At times we truly don’t have all the answers when looking at it from the outside because the only way we will find them is by going within and this can be a very lonely place. We can’t answer others questions because we ourselves don’t know the answer if it eludes us how can we reply? During my own recovery I have gone through many stages and they have all been challenging, but what if the challenge never goes away no matter what you do on the outside? What if it seems that no one can help with this situation for an array of different reasons? Well we are then stuck in a place that seems impossible to escape from not only during the day light hours but also whilst we are sleeping. What if those questions still enter our minds in a way that we seem unable to be control? During the day we may find respite from these questions with an extensive effort which only seems possible in the worst gangster movies we ever seen or heard off, as we continually look for the answer to these questions finding no peace of mind whatsoever. But during the night that is a whole different ball game and we try so hard to control the melting pot of question marks as if it were even possible, the truth is the only way to avoid these questions is not to sleep at all but that’s impossible right?
l have spent many a night trying to do just that willing my eyes to stay open but ultimately it’s a fight that I will always lose. The dark is always a place that insights a little fear if we are within it alone and not knowing what may arrive, but to be in the dark knowing that the inevitable will always turn up it’s a place where we will never feel rested . So what can we do to change this situation? Well that’s an answer that seems to change on a nightly basis as the situation alters just as you seem to be up to speed with what you’re within right on cue the wind changes direction and you haven’t a clue. You become that leaf in autumn where you have no choice other than to fall from the tree going wherever the wind takes you, never knowing where you will land, and then once more being uplifted with another unexpected gust that can take you in any direction whatsoever. We all know that the elements at times are one of the most destructive ripping through anything that stands in its way so to be able to control the wind is not near impossible it’s completely impossible.
You toss and turn alone in the dark and then someone holds out a hand to you, but before you can grasp on to it the wind once more does its thing changing direction and you are blown along aimlessly. There you go without having any say in the matter only able to go where the wind decides is your next direction. Your feet never seem to touch the floor as you reach back desperately trying to clench on to that hand because you need to find some much needed grounding, but you are left watching sadly as it disappears out of sight and your continued journey rolls on. Only ever stopping when you awake in a ball of terror and a fear and confusion that we feel will never leave us or can be controlled.
So what if you’re days and nights suddenly become as one like you have never woken from your sleep and you are still within the night, through no fault of our own we start to live like these twenty four hours are one which then rolls into another twenty four hours never ending until the next. Where everything around you starts to act as if it were only possible within that film I talked about above, because this situation you find yourself in could only ever be in the realms of a book resembling the Kray twins. You start to live your life fending of those quick fire questions but you’ve never been equipped with the answers. Well it’s a very familiar feeling for me because as life continues I arrive at another set of these of quick fire questions sessions as though I am being tested, and as always I cannot ask the audience or phone a friend I am forced to rely only on my own grey matter for so very many reasons. The real complete craziness is that so many of the questions that are asked of me I find myself second guessing every answer that I arrive at. We will never be able to control what goes on around us but just maybe we can learn to control the within and our reaction even with everything around us still in turmoil, where we know with certainty that control will never be ours until the passing of time and a drop in the wind speed. We can never hope to control the wind so we must learn to feel it’s OK to be taken wherever it may blow us and to be that leaf that covers so such ground in so little time, to take each touchdown as it arrives as all the grounding that we need even though it may be fleeting.
The next time you observe that leaf take a minute to really see it because it’s not fighting the wind it’s just moving within it………