Its always there hiding deep within us carrying all the bad memories that our conscious mind is unable to, it’s a place so deep within its only there that we are able to hold on to all those dark memories without the absence of light. We know it’s there but we can keep that door closed tight daily with our newly acquired strength that we have finally found during our journey to recovery. Our conscious mind really has that one covered and no longer do we feel its weight or its depth it seemed always, no longer do we find our minds drifting off quite so often as if we were within a day dream and within that place of pain. The lights are on the sun is shining and we are in full control within our daily life well as much as possible. We have days where it’s not all that good but we have learnt to process our thoughts whilst in a wakeful state.
Our subconscious mind is a million times more powerful than it’s predecessor our conscious mind, the activity of our subconscious mind never stops it just sits there in the dark waiting for night to fall. It holds on to our memories and experiences our beliefs habits and behaviour. Our subconscious mind acts like a compressor containing all our mental process that is inaccessible to our conscious mind through our choice, it can influence our judgement our feelings our emotions and our actions. It can also hold open the concert door for all those performing demons deep within, that during a subconscious state of mind we no longer have any control over. It’s where we store and hold on to everything and retrieve data from so like it or not it’s part of our being, because in so many aspects it’s who we are and where we’ve been in essence it’s the path we’ve walked so far. It’s where we subconsciously file all of the conscious happens during any given day that we have experienced, anything to heavy and we put it there immediately from learnt behaviour.
The time when our subconscious mind is mostly in control is during REM sleep which can happen many times nightly, and each time we enter REM sleep the period we stay within it lasts much longer as our sleep deepens. During this time our heart rate increases and our breath quickens whilst trying to process everything being directed our way, as we start to relive the day that we have just retreated from. The first time this happens we are still within that feeling of not quite asleep but not quite awake either, but it’s just the beginning where we then start the process of putting our rendition of the day where it belongs and in its proper place. It’s somewhat like we are a conductor making sure that everyone sits in the rights seats to aid the acoustics of the hall they are within, because sitting in the wrong seat can make quite a difference to the sound.
At that point we still have all control over the orchestra from the strings to the drums and everything in between; they join in with the onset of the music only when invited whilst looking at the musical notes in front of them- but then and only then. As the conductor we can ask them to stop, we can ask them to play just that little bit quieter, or to just fade away into the background because they are playing as directed and recognising our leadership. But as the night passes and our REM sleep becomes much longer in duration and so much deeper, it seems that no matter how hard we try or where we starting out from we are no longer the conductor. In fact we no longer play any part in that particular musical sheet whatsoever all directing has been taken from us.
That’s the time when the concert really starts and no matter how hard we try these musical demons awake and start to play unchecked with any instrument that they choose, and they continue on for however long this particular musical rendition lasts and all we can do is to sit and listen.
For such a long time sleep as I’ve said often in the past sleep was the real enemy for me and I’m sure that’s true for many others, I would fight it with all I had because of where I knew it was going to take me. To a place where without doubt I would no longer conduct anything, a place where the music became so very deafening and also without any rhythm or rhyme. Where the music played on with the instruments joining in or dropping out at their own choosing, never stopping it seemed to me not even to take a breath. All I would be able to do was to sit there with my fingers in my ears although metaphorically, as it seemed so clear that my past abuse had tethered itself to these musical instruments and had taken my place on the bandstand. They were now holding on to the baton tightly as they played the devils music with such deafening disarray.
We have all been there often so that we recognise that this rendition at their disposal could play on in theory as if endless but in truth the music has to end; even if we awake in a bath of sweat from what shall we call it a musical nightmare? So I guess what I am trying to say here is that it only takes an act or a reminder during our wakeful hours, or a jolt from the past surrounding our abuse for a rendition not of our making to lay low until we dare to close our eyes. But clearly close them we must at some point so we lay there in dread of the inevitable, because without doubt we can’t escape from where our subconscious may take us, we can only ever hope that as time passes we learn that music takes on many different lyrical sounds and as in life we don’t always like everything that we hear. We have to learn that we don’t always have a choice on the music being played, and just by doing so the transition from our conscious mind to our subconscious mind becomes less of a tuneless mess than before.
In truth I don’t have the answer to the length of the song sheet because I myself was recently reminded that there is some really crappy music out there.
But I continue to reach towards a place where I can once more remove my fingers from my ears; they are already not there quite so often. There is no set date or time when the music we may hear will only be sweet because we can’t predict that which is in front of us or where that may take us, there will still be times when our fingers can’t reach our ears quick enough. But we have to believe that there will come a time where we will accept all and every musical sheet presented to us, and reach a consciousness deep within that we no longer need to conduct that which is not within our control so to hell with them let them play on.
In time we will all reach a place where all we can hear is the idyllic rendition of a harp we just have to find the tuning fork……..