Narcissism the word even sounds a little cruel or maybe that’s my memory linked to a time where I was a victim of it’s of its controlling elements, it’s so long ago now but the feeling never leaves you totally. If I allow my mind to travel back in time it was such an unpleasant experience where I was being controlled and manoeuvred with military precision, never knowing where or when I would be required to get in line for inspection. But no matter how long I took pressing and ironing my uniform or the time I took polishing my shoes it would never be good enough, I was never going to pass inspection because that’s the way of a narcissist and trying was never going to be good enough it seemed that I would always fall short.
Of course the above is an analogy but it is so very close to the acquirements that a narcissist insists on because control is the over welling factor in a relationship that they become a part of, in truth you really can’t do right for doing wrong because the next order of march will always be unexpected and you will never be good enough to be included in any parade. Just when you think that you are marching in the right direction you will find that you’re not even on the same parade ground, the reason is clear to all that have encountered this type of behaviour they never really want you to get it right they just want to be the one shouting out the orders.
Narcissists have excessive interest of self to include a grandiose view of their own talents and self admiration, selfishness and an unbending craving for your admiration and your full attention whilst making all believe that in fact they only wanted the exact opposite. In public they appear to be compassionate generous and a desirable friend partner or lover and indeed they really believe that is who they are, whilst in truth they only want to hear all about them and the only words they listen to are the words emerging from their own mouth. Any opinion you may hold is of no interest to them because they suffer from a core dysfunction of a listening disorder, think of it as a one sided conversation with multiple features that emerge as a result but always with the fixation on themselves.
Almost all abusers are narcissists and it’s true to say that an abused child can be duped into that way of life as an adult without seeing the hidden side effect of that abuse so long ago, it can of course also be that they are well aware of this side of themselves but their actions if even recognised they relate to the convenience of their abuse. Of course that statement is a generalisation and clearly not true of all abused children. But in my own experience I have seen for myself the manifestation that can occur and which I relate to so completely in this piece that I am here today sharing, and so I am speaking from my own experience because that’s all I can do.
Our abuse leaves us with so much that is unsaid hidden or understood even by ourselves until that scenario repeats its self which can happen many years later, and arrive unannounced and from a quarter in which is was never expected. If this happens we can be held in that place never really seeing the repeated behaviour until it has once more done the damage in which was intended, and we are left holding the emerging memories that we have been pulled back into experiencing. There we are once more experiencing that hold of a narcissist even if for a time we can’t see it or maybe we don’t want to see it because how could this be happening again? Should we not have been able to see it? In truth maybe we were aware all along but once in the grip of a true narcissist for a period of time we are blinkered after all they have spent years perfecting their art. But its an art that in time will be felt in their direction if there is any judgment in this world of which at times I’m left guessing.
We could spend time here talking about ramifications of our repeated experience, but in truth all we can do is learn from that period of time and heal the pain that was once more felt deep within at their end game. But we also don’t need to be included in any future game play if indeed we were even ever part of it anyway because a narcissist doesn’t play well with others. In the cold light of day we are left with what is and that can’t be changed and pity is the only emotion left that we should now be feeling in their direction.
Hold on to this thought they are in the mist of creating a very lonely existence…………