Denial

Denial

We all smile right? But do we or is it what is expected of us? It’s a hell of a question that we are faced with and a practised art that we are expert at, no one would ever know that deep inside we are anything other than smiling. We have become so completely apt that we would fit right into any drama class available and instantly become a star pupil; we would be offered the top spot of the lead without even breaking a sweat. We are praised for our ability to quick study that script and just how quickly we can pick up our lines, people are in awe when we arrive on stage with an exact precision never missing a curtain call whilst making it all look so simple.

We would be at ease as the clown in the big top entertaining the audience who are rolling in the aisles as we perform for their amusement, we are viewed with obeisance and our appearance is that we belong nowhere else that we were born to it. Our tricks viewed with canned laughter arriving just at the right time as we amuse within our practised act, it seems without any effort at all we know just when to deliver our punch line, and just when that crazy car we are sitting in should collapse beneath us.

OK, in truth we are just going along with the flow because that’s what we know how to do best, we are controlling our real emotions never letting others see inside of us where we are scattered with turbulence. Allow them to see the effort that this ruse is taking from us that’s not an option, denial is our way to disrupt clear thought and we hope to fool the onlooker. If they would see the truth that our acting is just that-acting denial would be there front and centre, and it’s so easy to paint on that smile, after all, it’s just makeup. We have continued on in this rehearsed lifestyle for so long that it seems that we can even convince ourselves but why do we? Answer-the act the makeup and our artificial life we are living is so much easier than to hold on to the truth, the truth means that we have to do something and we have no idea what that is or what to do first.

As we hideaway from our emotions using our denial for ourselves it also seems that we even invite others to do so, we have in fact become people pleasers without really recognising it. Somewhere along the line they have become the ones in control as we agree and deny ourselves our choices, with very little space in which to do anything other so once again why? Have we not already been within denial most of our lives being denied that which should have been giving freely and subject to another’s control? Until we can make our own choices we are never going to be free. Until we can love to be and live openly in our own skin able to express our true emotions without allowing judgement, we are stuck for eternity in a place where we have placed ourselves is that not a little ironic?

These words echo in my head often because I know that place and I know just how it feels to be stuck there by my very own actions or were they? That’s another question. It took me a long time to realise that special something arrived in my life that was life-changing, and that I was never going to make that change by pretending that it never happened. I had to make my own choices and yes that could be disastrous or the complete opposite, but I’d never know if the only road I could only walk was not in the direction of my choice. Of course by the time I or we reach there with complete realisation it may already be too late, It’s a sadness that we will hold within for a lifetime and so very painful on visiting. But hey it’s fine yes? Because there is our denial arriving on cue and just when we need it, we know that emotion like no other at times all we do is live within it.

I walk down that familiar road often and I now recognise that the advice I’d been giving was never really followed by the giver because the advice they gave me was, in essence, was that I should keep denying. It would or never could have an effect on their lives I was following their script, not mine, and I was the one left with the outcome of my denial.

It all sounds a little heavy right? Believe me, it’s a load that I have now put down without any help from my wise advisers, because it’s so very easy for them to look at us outwardly not seeing us within. When they push us to that place of denial they have no problem at all getting out again, they just leave us with their good intentions or advice not really caring that it’s the right advice and why should they? It was never going to affect them but it had a huge impact on our lives as we feel that we have to live by their direction.
Denial can be fatal when we aren’t true to ourselves-denial can be destructive when we walk the line that others have drawn for us-denial will never allow us to come to terms with our abuse and make those changes so greatly needed-denial of our emotions will and does deny us from ever really finding happiness. Life takes time to get it right and its hard work for your abused child living in our adult body, because all of the above is so way above their head that we have to act for them or leave them for the dead which is no choice at all.

Expect to be questioned moralised and looked at quizzically as if you have totally lost your mind, but the truth is you have only just found it, because when it comes down to the wire you will need to live with those choices, as they quietly disappear into the background. It’s strangely odd when you first start listening to that unpractised mind it’s somewhat like you have suddenly found a stranger hidden within, but it’s no stranger it’s the voice you should have been listening to always with love and affection and recognition. It’s the only one that matters and it’s the one where denial no longer exists, and we are free just to be and act on our own emotions feelings and our own truths.

We really have no place here in life when the direction from another is all that we follow, and our reactions are based on what they think we should do, so do we follow blindly? Quietly walk away from life’s asked questions because we are not capable of standing alone? Well, I guess that’s life but it’s so very far from living. I don’t know about you but I’m a little tired of all these questions? No more so than when I am constantly questioning myself.

Denial is somewhere that we will never be free of if our choices aren’t our own-have we not lived long enough within this denial? For so long I didn’t think that I could hold on to the truth it was just too painful so denial ruled, but I’m still here and living the life that has opened up for me in so many ways. By accepting and wanting something different that was my own choice I have found love within my heart, which had been lost to me because when you deny it’s the full package we don’t get to pick and choose.

The only life that we are sure of is the one in which we are living right now no matter our beliefs, and it’s the only one in which we should not lose our right to belong and loved. So should we deny those things that we know to be true when we are questioned with regards to our choices? Today was a ground marking day for me and I’ve spent most of it alone with my thoughts, and really looking at the past advise given to me, because however well-intentioned I had to bear the cost of repeating myself over and over they were never my choices.

Should we not be saying I choose whom I love and I choose whom I wish to spend time with; I choose to follow my heart even if I hit a brick wall which falls down without foundation. What’s important here is that we are choosing and not being dictated to or pushed into that place of denial, because if that wall falls we will be the only one beneath it, good intentions mean nothing, even if that were their intentions.
It seems that some believe that because we were abused we make unsafe decisions, which have no foundation in which to build anything on and I so very strongly disagree. We’ve lived our life without any foundation and nothing more but sheer audacity at times. Talking to you here today I have for the most taken control over my abuse and I’m grateful for that, but it seems that on some level, I still care that I am seen to be doing the right thing but the right thing for whom? More questions. It’s been a strange day for me and I haven’t felt this knocked off course for many years so nothing is foolproof, and there are still some unexpected shadows within me that I have to experience as yet, I am still creating that learning curve one day at a time.

I don’t always get it right even half of the time by far because I’m human, and we humans could learn a thing or two from man’s best friend. Maybe that’s the reason that I feel so completely at home with them, free never judging they just want to be with us and along for the ride. They never expect anything other than the truth and shared emotion, without expectation love and compassion to give without receiving. Denial is a human emotion and I can’t help but think that we have a lot to learn from our four-legged friends.

Solely thinking for myself If only I had a dog’s life………

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