Sexuality

Out of body experience or journey into the hell of my sub-consciousness? Take 2

This is the second time of posting this piece I first posted it in January of 2015. I was asked to forward it to an organisation to add to their itinerary but it seems that the experience that night continues to baffle me, on looking for it within my website it was nowhere to be found! Luckily I had saved it on a memory stick so all was not lost. But it seems that the plot thickens within that incompletely insane journey that I took and I still can’t untangle what happened although my mind continues to make reference to it often……..

I sit here today in front of my computer with no understanding of the place that I visited six nights ago. If I’m honest as yet I still can’t find any learning that I have acquired from it. It will it seems take me a while to try to loosing this knot before I even attempt to undo the whole. I will put down here everything within my memory with regards to my journey and its contents. That said it will be as well as I am able at this moment in time. My conclusion that I hope to arrive at is one I am still struggling to acquire, but I am hoping it’s a work in progress. As always it’s for you to arrive at your own conclusion.

I remember going to bed I was really tired and in a lot of pain which is ever present for me. What happened in between to the point to where I awoke I will depict below.

Where am I? All around me there is the fun of the fun fair the colours are so bright and vivid. Stalls in every direction rides for as far as the eye can see, people milling around happy it seems with all that surrounds them. Roller coasters dipping and diving with their seats filled to the brim. But its silent- all around me, I can see the rides I can see the lips of the people moving as they pass me by-but silence. I find myself standing at the front of a queue waiting to board the roller-coaster as it comes to a complete standstill. I lift my leg to board but the entrance is blocked before me, no matter how hard I try I can’t lift my leg high enough to succeed. People are pushing me from behind it would seem telling me to board but I’m unable. I try to tell them that I can’t hear them but they clearly don’t understand. I can’t move away from the front of the queue my legs just won’t move in that direction. I put out my hand to hold on to the side of the ride but my hand just goes straight through it. I adjust my grip to a different area but nothing around me is solid. Once more I try to lift my leg only to feel a shooting pain as if I had hit my shin; I keep trying leaning forward but I fall and the pain registers as I hit the ground. This situation seemed to continue on for it seemed like hours, me trying to get on the ride and the solid contact with the ground. Until at my last point of trying just as I am about to give up I was allowed to board. I sit down holding on to my leg trying to nurse the pain that I was feeling as the ride shoots away taking me with it.

Around and around we go stopping at different destinations for people to get on and off board. My head is hurting such pressure and pain it feels as if it is about to explode, that noise is confusing me where was it coming from? It wasn’t close enough to identify. But in that real space and time, the silence was deafening. I can’t stay here but it’s as if there are some invisible hands firmly holding me down. I can’t take any more of this feeling of oppression at the next stop I’m getting off. We stop and I make my way to the exit door to leave behind this roller-coaster from hell, but no matter how I try I can’t get off. Everything solid is moving around me swaying from side to side like its reacting to the sound of music that I just can’t hear. Everything I touch just becomes jelly as my hand is engulfed with it. Over and over I try to embark but they keep changing the height of the entrance door I just can’t seem to step high enough. I am once more aware of the people around me exasperated that I am holding them up but I can’t do anything. I try to talk to them once more to explain but it seems that they can’t hear my voice, and they are still mute to me whilst their lips are still visibly moving. I fall the pain registers as I hit the ground I try to get up but I can’t hold on nothings solid. I ask for help but everyone around me continues on as if I am not there. Eventually, I fall through the entrance landing hard hitting my head, and the taste of blood is rancid in my mouth. I hurt all over and I am now shivering with the cold. I look down at myself and all I have on is my nightshirt. I can’t understand why or how I had arrived there like this everyone else around me is fully clothed. Why would I have left home dressed like this?

I get up and look around me suddenly I can see faces in the crowd that I recognise but they pass me by as if I were not there. I then hear the barking of a dog I know that bark it’s my own dog Sparkle. She then appears from around the corner but not alone, as dog after dog just like her run towards me in different stages of growth. I bend to touch her head but my hand passes straight through it. But even as she sits before me I can still hear a barking and whining in the distance. I put my hands on my own head trying to understand what was going on all around me.

I find myself screaming at the top of my voice whilst the ground is moving beneath me, someone else is screaming and the voice is so familiar was it me? Once more I fall jarring myself badly as I hit the floor, but I just lay there in the street as all seem to pass me by. I get up and wander around aimlessly looking for a place that I recognise a doorway back to reality where I could leave this place and return home. It all seems so real or is it’s a dream that I just can’t wake from? I shake my head whilst firmly slapping at my face willing myself out of this nightmare but to no avail. I wander around but nothing seems real, somewhat like a fun house everywhere is just so colourfully and I am drawn to its magnitude. People are laughing clearly in the throes of great fun as I walk among them and I find myself trying to fit in. But I am lost to them as I walk along like the pied piper as the various sizes of Sparkle run alongside of me. Suddenly it occurs to me that I must be dead is this what the hereafter looks like? If that were so then I had to accept my end, but why I was being excluded from the fun going on around me? Why was I being shut into a place of complete silence? I sit down on the ground going into complete shutdown no longer caring anymore where I was or where I was going.

A ride arrives in front of me like an explosion how it arrived I have no clue? Someone is holding the door of the roller-coaster open for me beckoning me towards it. I don’t want to get up because I know with certainty, that even if I tried they would not let me board. I look away in the other direction somehow accepting my fate. As my eye line changes so would the entrance of the roller-coaster, jumping as if by magic each time I turned to look in another direction. Shouted at them I say that I would no longer play their game whilst refusing to move now at all. People are offering me food and drink but when I try to take it they move it further away from me. I reach down to touch my toes and they are like ice in my hand, the kind that your skin sticks to in the deepest depths of winter. Once more when I try to stand I fall it’s as if I were an entity not able to touch anything around me without passing through it. I hurt all over my body and I am now shaking uncontrollably. So did I just sit there accepting that there was no way home? Then suddenly someone or something told me that I had to try just that once more. I stood up and walked towards the door being held open for me and stepped up, something was different they were allowing me to get on was this some kind of trick? I was waiting for the axe to fall with bated breath.

The ride started to move and I sat down on the floor looking around me for something to wrap myself in to try to keep warm. I then saw a blanket but when I tried to pick it up my hand just went straight through it. Someone opposite holds out a coat for me and I reach towards it only for it to disappear. I sit down again and hug my knees against me in complete abandonment- I just did not care anymore. As we arrive at the different stops people board whilst others get off until I’m finally alone. There I sat going around and around on this ride taking in all the dips and dives, by then totally uncaring if we will ever stop. Memories of the life I had lived came flooding into my mind as I recalled all the things that I had done with my life. But far more vivid were the things that were done to me, hell what did any of it matter now anyway? Suddenly the ride was slowing and I had a feeling of recognition creeping into my mind something was familiar. Trying to explain this feeling if I were reach out for the right words, maybe it was somewhat like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Everything around me was happening in slow motion.

Slowly I opened my eyes like I was emerging from a deep sleep to find myself sitting in the middle of my bathtub. As I look around the room the bathroom door was closed which is something I never do, and the bathroom was a wreck. The towel holder had been pulled off the wall and the towels strewn in all directions. All the bottles of bathroom sets that had been out on display had been thrown in every direction. The toilet roll had been completely unrolled across the floor, the bathroom cabinets were open their contents all around the room. I try to stand up but the pain in my back brought me back down again hard into the tub. My lip was hurting and as I reach to touch it with my finger I find a large swelling with the blood still wet around it. It’s at that point my attention is taken to the pain in my legs where I could visibly see the swelling and brushing. I felt as if I were sitting in an icebox unable to make it to my feet to get out of the tub. I crawl on to my knees and reach towards the side pulling myself up into a kneeling position. Slowly I managed to climb over the edge of the tub and on to the floor. I was then aware that it was light and that I had gone to bed at about 10pm the night before. The strangest thing of all is that this was the first night that I had attempted to go to my bed in over a year, because of the pain I live with daily on movement. Along with a few demons and nightmares that still frequent my dreams, which are out of my control or so it seems so why that night? Getting to my feet I open the door to find Sparkle curled up against it and she is so clearly glad to see me. I sit on the top of the stairs trying to make some sense of the journey that I had just made but to no avail. Where had I been and why did I go there? I only know that during that time I had seen the night pass me by and the day arrive within that space of time.

Wow at this point in time I find myself questioning my own sanity? Or am I just not aware of the significance of this profound event?

I am struggling a little here as to how I am able to end this piece because it was a real experience for me, with all the terrors and unexplained happenings throughout. But oddly somewhere deep inside of me, I know that it was a journey that I was destined to take. That in time there is real learning to be found here for me. The whys and where for’s right now I am still trying to unravel in all honesty. But it is what it is and that’s what I have to contend with until that slither of light comes shining through.

That said it’s not a journey that I ever hope to make again……………………..

Addiction Without Choice

Addiction-we are all aware of addiction to the obvious when we hear those words i.e. drink and drugs to include prescribed pharmaceutical, but there are so many others things tied to this word a complete array of issues that are within its complex structure. In truth anything that we can’t seem to do without is as much of an addiction as those that spring to mind easily, when we reach a place of no return for the above there are many organisations or specialists that we can reach out to for help. These can be accessed through a visit to our doctor and his referral it’s recognised and dealt with as a matter of course because there is a direct chain in line all we have to do is go and stand in it.

I’m far from saying that’s an easy route to travel; of course, it’s not but it has a proven linked chain of referral that is moving us towards the day we can kick that habit. But for those that suffer from a placed addiction like abuse, we will find it so much harder to deal with its been there for so long we can’t even remember the day we started using it as such. In all honesty unless we reach a place to be able to let go of our abuse that chain or line will never be accessible to us simply because the start of that line is within us, no matter how many people offer to stand there alongside us even with the offer to carry that chain we will be going nowhere because we are the ones holding on tightly to that anchor at the chains fixed end.

I’m going to move away from the obvious because where child sexual abuse is concerned that chain is broken in so many places that it has becomes a heap of dismembered links, that solder that should be holding it fast together is nowhere near the soldering iron even if you could find it.

OK, so why am listing this subject as an addiction? The fact is that for so many of us who have been sexually abused we hold on to our memories pain and suffering for so long it somehow became part of our DNA a carrier of our genetic information that we make daily reference to. It’s true that were are not born this way but it’s been there for so long it can’t help but to be so although it was placed within without choice. It became part of our fabric and the foundation on which we stand today even if that sounds a little odd? well yes, that’s because it is, but if we were able to look deep inside of ourselves there it sits our addiction within in a place of complete comfort and so very sure that they are a habit that we just cannot kick.

When something has been within us for such a long time we have become used to functioning with it and we don’t really know how we will be without it being there. At the point of trying to come to clean i.e. letting go of and learning that there is a better way; we will also go through the painful effects of withdrawal be in no doubt but in a way that does not apply to the road we would walk for a way out of a drink or drug addiction.

To recover from our abuse addiction we have to let go of everything and that’s not as simple as it sounds because we have built our lives around its structure, we may have even added some extra links to our dismembered chain just for good measure adding to the chaos. We take on a world of abuse that surrounds us which only adds to the weight and the inevitable increase in magnitude to that in which we are already carrying, for some even attaching further pain from past history as if we are the only ones that can put it right. We feel the pain of all those that have suffered behind us with such a vigour that it would be hard to topple although it doesn’t directly affect us, or a battle that was lost so very long ago but still we drag it into our world of pain and it becomes our fight for justness and it becomes so complexly overwhelming.

So if we think about the structure we have constructed throughout our lives when we enter a place of recovery we are in fact having to let go of so many things, even those that we weren’t aware of at the onset as each piece falls away we are losing a piece of ourselves and we can’t help but feel the pain of withdrawal. Why? Because something is being taken from us that for all intensive proposes defines who we are in that moment it’s like pulling bricks out from the supporting wall of a building and hoping that it can hold itself in shape, and it may do so for a while but eventually that building will succumb to the inevitable because the supporting wall is just as it sounds. When we think of withdrawal we think of what’s on the outside that we are putting in but it’s just as painful when pulling out that which shouldn’t be there, because nothing has changed other than the direction of travel i.e. the method of access and exit.

So the heading of this piece can then be seen as letting go of an addiction that was not one of our choosing but that doesn’t make it any easier to give up, I can hear a few voices in my head right now saying how can us or I compare our abuse to the obvious addictions? The answer to that question is letting go of abuse is no less easy than giving up any other addiction-although many may not like the word that I’m using. In truth, the word only means that we can’t see a way forward without whatever it is that is keeping us -us. In essence, it only questions if we can be without that something? For us, that’s something that we can’t answer at the time it may first be requested just how do we know if we can when we are too scared to let it go or be without it? Our addiction is attached to how we know ourselves in that precise moment in time so how do we give up us? When it’s taken us years to build the person that we have become can we really start again and be able to survive that journey? It’s scary and we have become used to our chain links being splintered in every direction we learnt to manage right? You know the honest answer to that question far better than I.

Can we give up that feeling of pain the feeling of injustice and anger? Can we let go of the hate within and seek a way past that hate and look towards forgiveness? Are we looking for revenge and relate to the proverb of an eye for an eye? If so it won’t be too long before the whole world goes blind. Can we find that peace within and accept our past as being in the past and still be able to hold ourselves whilst doing so? All of these things play a big part in our abuse addiction because we can’t quite seem to quit these feeling and emotions that seem to be larger than life whilst judging ourselves or our perpetrator. If we are holding on to these things how can we? So we need to ask ourselves this question-is my abuse holding on to me or am I holding on to it.

Experiencing that withdrawal for me was a real feeling of losing myself and my past although that was a dark was part of me, and not being sure how my future would emerge would it not be empty without memories either good or bad hell I would be wiping out my life. By letting go of everything surely that would mean that I would cease to exist although the past was painful what would happen if I it was gone just who would I be? So in my own case letting go of the past was without doubt letting go of an addiction of sorts and one that I would have to learn to conquer because holding on to my abuse was my addiction. An addiction in any shape or form takes a lot of adjustment and hard work to alter or give up but we should never think that it is as easily described as a habit; it’s a whole bigger ball game.

No one wants to be an addict why would they? It’s never of their choosing it’s something that crept up from behind that they felt they have control of but that’s the nature of addiction. I am still so aware that this word addiction is not welcomed with open arms around abuse but there are many things in life that are true to fact but also uncomfortable, and you are welcome to use a different word if it doesn’t sit well with you but the word is not the problem it’s our inaction that matters. Looking away should never be an option we should choose because if we choose to do so we are stuck and if we are stuck how can we achieve the movement that we need?

Letting go giving up and feeling that we have the strength to do so wear many guises and there are many that relate to the word and the reference of addiction. We can and do become addicted to that place around our pain of abuse just because it’s easier than facing that place in which we cannot avoid the eruptions of the emotions that will surface if we trust to let go. Or maybe we can’t see a clear path in which to walk when something as fundamental as all we’ve have ever known departs. Addiction means nothing more than a repeated involvement that allows harm to ourselves so just how often do we delve into the abyss of our abuse on a daily basis? How many times are we held in that place of pain and be unable to leave?

Our recovery has truly begun when we can say but not today……….

Volcanic Eruption

pressure it’s something that everyone has to deal with because that’s life and there is no avoidance so in essence the only thing we can do is to manage it, but at times that becomes so extremely difficult because the nature of a pressure valve is to hold in what’s below it. But as we are all aware sometimes we have no other choice than to push the pressure lease button when it’s no longer possible to stop that eruption. We can never really be sure when we will arrive at that point of no return and pushing that button is no longer avoidable, when this happens it starts with a kind of disturbance deep inside but it’s only just felt a smouldering for all intensive purposes still felt as almost dormant, so deep within us there is certainly no need at present to call out the volcanologist just yet. In truth, we have become somewhat of an expert ourselves at holding that eruption at bay and at times we are able to dispense with it completely.

We’ve had a lifetime as far back as we can remember at doing so because as abused children we had to expand our power of control over all of our emotions, even pushing them so far within that we are no longer aware of their existence-or so we think.

The problem with a volcano is that it can lay dormant for many years but at its source it is still very much alive with its embers burning with a multi-array of colours together but apart. The problem arrives when the emotions within us create a fusion and then it has nowhere else to go but up. Maybe at the first onset of emotions, we are able to stop that eruption from spilling out its contents completely, and that molten lava heading straight to the point where there is no getting out of its way. But there will be a time in the future or our past that no matter what we do or did there is no holding on to that paroxysmal, as it explodes with vengeance and heads straight for that village below with no care as to whom it may hurt or the destruction that it causes.

In all honesty, we create this situation of volcanic eruption ourselves because of a learnt behaviour around the control of our emotions that we needed so badly, in which to remain on this earth with some amount of sanity so we’ve somewhat mastered this control. But anyone of us can only take so much and then we have to let go or go insane with the emotions that this eruption is causing. But as abused children and that control I’ve talked about above on its arrival it’s far more like a holocaust making that volcano look somewhat inferior and the destruction can be vast. But there is no going back for us when we reach that point in time and all we can ever do is to a assess the situation once the lava has stopped boiling and destruction has halted.

OK, the above for me is no stranger because I’ve entered that place more times than I would like to admit over the years to recovery, but in truth that was part of my recovery and that does not differ for any of us. We can’t start towards recovery if we are still afraid of the emotions that need to surface and that includes all of them good and bad because they are part of us even if placed there by another. Until we take them out and really look they will stay there just like that dormant volcano but make no mistake they are going nowhere. They were put there in a place of pain so the fact that we need to return there means that we once more experience those emotions along the way unfortunately, there will be casualties even if that’s not your intention.

We couldn’t avoid the structure of that village it simply just got in the way it was never our aim for its destruction and it was never our aim to be in the place that we had been taken, but as long as we avoid or hold on to that which needs to be released this situation is set to continue. It is possible to change the way we deal with things and avoid that place of no return with acceptance and inner work all things are possible and we will eventually learn that there is a different way. Communication rather than confrontation, understanding other than just listening, learning forgiveness but far more than that really forgiving, acceptance we are all different and there is a way to co-exist without the pain, make peace with our unsolved issues, expand the love and remove the discord for ourselves and all those around us.

That volcano is just too hot for comfort and I’m truly tired of stepping my way through its embers……………

Help Me

Help me – it’s a really difficult thing to ask at times more so if you have an abusive past and you have learnt that help is something that you could never reply on, the only memory you have is that help was never available and it was down to you to help yourself. It’s a really hard lesson to learn because during that time you have asked often without being able to ask with the use of words, as a child you are so aware that asking this way would bring down the wrath of gods or hell’s fire upon you that has been drummed into your mind with a force which is unimaginable. I remember thinking so many times that to do so would mean the end of everything more than that it would mean the end of me, the consequences were seen every night that I slept when the nightmares would frequent my dreams.

I would wake up in a bath of sweat and a heart that was beating out of my chest, seeing those dark shadows dancing across the walls and hearing those footsteps coming ever closer and closer even though they may have been in my subconscious. The mind is a very fragile thing when it’s overwhelmed with the horrors in actuality or within the dark place that is within, because within that confusion during the darkness of the night they are as one. Help was never going to arrive it never had before so why would it do so now? So as we grow into adulthood the one thing that we are oh so sure of is we would never be able to ask for help and that feeling can last for a lifetime.

It can form a habit within us that is so very hard to break because it’s back there deep within its never left us, we know that to ask for help would mean complete trust but how do we achieve that? When trust was something that made us weak or vulnerable within the place of safety we have created out of necessity, just how do you break the habit of a lifetime and find that place of safety at our request? I know through experience just how this feeling can affect us and if I ever look towards help I am sent to a place where I feel as if I’m drowning. But it’s a place that I dipped my toe into so very recently having found that strength to do so only to be reminding that help would once more be denied to me, and I relived the pain of that memory of being completely alone as it took me back to a place of complete pain and desolation.

Once more trying to keep my head from going under without the aid of the life raft I had been so sure would have been there. What was it I said above about trust? God knows why in the hell do we take this journey when we are so often reminded that we are alone so why do we just not accept that? For me it was a lesson that hurt so very much and unearthed so many memories that were so very painful, and it took me right back to that scared child laying in the dark praying for someone anyone to help me hold it together because right at that moment in time I was falling apart. So there I was sitting once more alone within complete clarity that asking for help was a disastrous mistake, and only served to remind me that maybe I should have trusted my instincts or memories and that no one was ever going to help me.

OK, so where should we go from here? Stop trying to find that elusive trust that must be the answer isn’t it? The answer to that is a resounding no, because if we stop the journey we have just started on in pursuit of the trust we take such a backward step and we may never recover it again. We have to try to understand why that help was denied and if the road we travelled in which to find it was the wrong one. Maybe I was trying to place that trust where it was not able to given for reasons I may never really understand or be able to comprehend. Maybe what I was asking for was just too much for them to hold on to and still be able to stand up right themselves, I need to remember that although I offer help daily and I’m able to remove myself from another’s pain and look at the problem objectively with the offer of honest help but they were not me. I need to accept that they crumbled beneath its weight and I guess that won’t change. This is said without accusation or trying to attach blame because they have no place here we all have our different strengths. Although for me that could have been the road I so needed to be on to obtain the much needed trust and help that I needed, without feeling out of my depth because at least I was floating and at that moment in time and the water wasn’t dragging me under. Although I’m sure to all that witnessed this transition it was less than graceful but I was just trying to stay afloat with this trust and help that I had finally requesting making it so very hard to swim.

I’m aware that this piece sounds all about me but I’m so very sure that whilst reading if you are an abuse survivor you have travelled this road also because there is no avoiding it’s legacy we have to learn to live with, and hopefully one day overcome and receive the help without also crumbling under with the weight of asking. So yes I’ve shared a piece of me today but that’s not a bad thing it’s always a good thing to know we are not alone out there with the struggles that we encounter. I’m also sure that whilst reading you will be able to relate to each word as it jumps towards you from the page, we are not so different in the way we relate because our abuse binds us together without the knowledge of whom or where we are. Sharing is so important so let’s continue on that rocky road together but also accept that there are going to be a few cracks we will inevitably fall into, and we may scrape our knee’s any number of times but the alternative is not moving and we have to move or fall behind. Because every day is a lesson if we choose to learn from it and that’s where I am right now still smarting a little from the falls along that travelled road and applying plasters liberally.

But my door is always open to all that need it you just need to find the trust in which to ask…………….

Transference Of Pain

The above title can be so destructive not only to the person receiving this but also the person transferring their emotions because it doesn’t come from the side of light but of the shadow side. As beings we are subject to a range of emotions and not only those that we should embrace because there are always two sides to a coin, and at times it seems that we throw that coin in the air without thought of where it may land or which side is up. There are so many reasons why this happens but the ultimate reason is that we are unable to carry that pain alone, we feel that unless we can unload some of this pain somewhere we will buckle below it. It’s a redirection of our emotions because they are just too much to hold. Specialised psychology will tell you that it’s a situation in which a person receiving treatment unloads their thoughts and emotions on to another. This happens often whilst within a place of treatment towards recovery especially to the person that is treating the individual, because they are the person pulling the lid off as it were and as such exposing the contents within. This is something that therapists should always be aware of and in truth expecting from their clients, a movement or a shift will always occur it’s unavoidable if positive recovery is to begin.

Often the act of transference is more than a little unfair because it’s a heavy load to put down and expect the another to hold, even if this is unintentional or from a place that we really should try to avoid and in hindsight we wish that we had. The truth is that we will all do this at some point within our lives because it’s part of being human, so in essence it’s a human trait that is within all of us along with many others that represents the makeup of who we are. We have all heard or even said “I am only human” well in truth that’s all we can be with all the strength and weakness that we are born with along with those that have been inducted upon us. As abused children we have so many shadowy memories of the past that at times takes hold and seems to run a-muck and are completely uncontrollable, but all we can do with that is to recognise that the situation has occurred and try to atone for that momentary lack of control or painful reaction.

We will never leave a situation like this with a clean bill of health because we ourselves will feel its repercussion and we will never leave unscathed, in all truth at such times we ourselves lose so much and we are then at a complete loss as to how to put things right. Its seems that only being human whilst giving us many gifts throughout our lives will also be our downfall at other times, at such times all we can ever do is our best and hope that the damage is repairable.

I’m going to end this piece here right now because it’s so very close to me and a painful place in which to stay, but it’s also another life lesson experienced and to learn from but not one in which I wish to return to.

“But I’m only human”…………………………….

To Feel Needed

We all feel the need to be needed right? But at times we may question ourselves as to why and where this feeling is ultimately taking us? When we start to feel that the only reason that we are with someone is because of this need then we travel down a very rocky road, when we feel that the only reason we are with another is our compassion and understanding of that feeling of needing it’s so completely wrong for all concerned. It doesn’t matter if the need is personal or professional NEED is an aspect of our lives, but there is a gigantic difference between telling someone that they are needed and actually making them feel needed. So you see this emotion of need is a complicated issue and in many ways it becomes an addiction, and like any other addiction we and all of mankind affected by it will come back for more because it makes us feel good.

The problem is that at times you can let that desire pull you into a damaging relationship for both parties concerned and maybe for completely different reasons, this happens often and is especially attractive to people who are afraid of being alone. The problem with that is we are giving without withholding anything for ourselves, and if we were to carry on through life this way we will only serve to lose ourselves completely. Needing should start from within and be held by us in much the same way in which we would hold on to a baby. Ok, we’ve established that we all have that feeling of being needed but for an abused child we are talking here about a very different deck of cards.

How does an abuse child understand this feeling of need? Just how confusing that feeling must be to them, because whilst being abused in some aspect they feel needed but in a much screwed up way and only because they are getting attention. This rendition of needing is eroding their lives away right in front of them daily and in time may destroy their future completely. Just how do they sit within that feeling or even be able to recognise it? It may even be the only feeling of being needed that they have ever received from a source that they don’t understand at all, whilst to them all others seem to be completely ignoring what is happening to them let alone needing them. Not feeling needed by anyone other than their abuser and their abuser confirms that to them daily.

As I’ve stated above this feeling of being needed is a exchanged emotion that is fundamentally required to feel that you have any worth at all. So let’s go back to the second paragraph of this piece and that feeling of being alone because as an abused child we have always felt alone, but maybe if we can find that feeling of being needed it’s all we have to hold on to even if it’s in a totally destructive manner. As I sit here today I am so very conscious of the above that used to map out my life so completely because I believed that if I were not needed then why would I be needed now? Why am I not able to experience that emotional exchange of a parallel need in a healthy manner? Even though this conversation with me took place some time ago now it was tough and it took me a long time to get to the place that I am in right now.

So there I sat on this emotional roller-coaster not feeling needed by all those around me and only experiencing the feeling of being needed from my abuser, it’s a very confusing time for a child that as of yet has not had any life experience whatsoever. Once more the life experience they are experiencing will never give them the life grounding that makes for a happy life out there in front of them, so ultimately what happens is that we learn through this experience that if we ourselves can’t feel needed then we can make others feel needed even to our own detriment. It’s for sure not a two way exchange but we feel that we can only play with the cards that we are dealt, but in truth we are creating vortex of one way emotion that in time will be just too hard to hold on to.

So where do we go from here? We need to go back to the dealer and re-stack the deck and face the damage that was inflicted upon us so many years ago within that place of pain, it’s the only place where we can alter the cards that were dealt to us so that we can play with a different hand. It’s the only place where we can take back our self worth and to understand that needing comes from within us because it starts with ourselves. How can we ever experience the feeling of being needed if all we feel we have to do is make others feel that their needed? If we continue down this road in time we will not fail to compromise who we even are. In truth we cannot make others feel needed by neglecting our own need deep within because we are evading the work that is ours, we can only sit within a situation that for all concerned is damaging until we find the strength to be true to ourselves. Taking the step towards that truthful exchange of need in a healthy place of a true exchange can only be achieved when it’s a balanced exchange.

But the real problem that we are faced with is that the longer it takes us to finally address this emotion of needing to feel needed we run the risk of that need needing us, and when and if that happens we are back within a place of being controlled. Ok it’s no longer our abuser doing the controlling but it can in time became equally destructive if we allow that emotion to run wild unchecked.

Our need is there no doubt and a healthy exchange of needing is something that we all want to experience, but what if we start to feel any threat of that need being taken away by circumstance do we once more become that child of so many years ago? If so we lose that reasoning of the adult that we now are and like all children it becomes all about us and that heart wrenching need, and then the inevitability happens and along come the tantrums simply because we need all attention directed at us just to make sure that we are still needed.

What I’ve stated above may happen in complete unconsciousness but it’s so very loud in your ear because at that moment in time we feel that our need is being pulled away from us and directed at another and that our need is no longer recognised why? That needy child is once more standing right there front and centre confused hurt and feeling invisible with none of its needs being met or so it seems. But the difference is that we are now adults with that life experience so here it is our consciousness arriving right on time and as expected shouting loudly in our other ear.

You need to maintain your own identity
Don’t be dependent
Get over yourself you’re not a child
Become more socially active it’s a big world out there
Be more confident in that exchange of emotions with whomever.
Be more mature act like an adult

Although trying to hold on to that maturity seems lost to you at that precise moment in time and the pain and panic that we are feeling is completely real and deeply felt.

In all truth we will always hold on to some of that feeling of being needed because of the abuse we have suffered in the past, but when need starts to take over our lives in adulthood we have to try to take control over that emotion although it may sit there in the back ground always. Connecting with that child within is paramount because that need in all truth is theirs and that’s where our control as an adult becomes so difficult to hold on to. But we have to find that balance or be controlled by our needs daily whilst feeling as if we are disconnected from whom we are within, because that child is still feeling that pain of not being needed and only you can give that much needed reassurance it can come from no other.

You need each other and neither of you is going anywhere……………

Psychic Link

Most people don’t realise just how psychic they may be but in truth one sure way of knowing is the ability to feel another’s emotions or energy, when you think of someone else do they think of you at the exact same time? This can often be a spiritual connection or a deep based affinity between two people. This happens to us throughout our lives even if we are not aware of its nature or existence, we feel a pull towards another that is difficult to disregard or ignore. Time spent with them is looked forward to with fulfilment whilst within their company or even when we talk to them on the phone they just seem to fit, at times we seem to have the same thoughts emotions or sadness as if it’s kind of mirrored. Have you ever started to say something to that person and they say “hey I was just thinking about that very thing” in a sense it’s the ability to feel even if you are separated. We are all aware of things like – we make a call and on reply that other person will say” I was just thinking about you I was going to call” You can feel them around you during your daily life and they never seem too far away. There is a kind of camaraderie between you that you don’t feel with others it’s just that feeling that you find so difficult to explain, we only know that person fills a space within our hearts that is indescribable.

We often feel this tie with the ones that we love and are closest to us as if we can read each other’s minds and at times it can be a little eerie it’s like they have direct access to our thoughts, where has this invasion come from? Somehow an energy cord has been formed. It’s often said that this is an automatic response on meeting our soul mate where we just know that they are the one but how do we know? All we know is that we are drawn towards that person with an overwhelming instinct that is bigger than us.

During the years that I have been writing about my own abuse I have felt this extreme psychic pull so many times whilst relating with other abuse survivors, there is a link that I can’t explain but it’s there and felt strongly. It’s a shared emotion that we will never share with others that have never been subjected to sexual abuse; it’s a kind a feeling so deep within that at times it can give you that stomach over turning feeling or anxiousness within. I never fail to feel this emotion whilst writing a new piece for my website or being interviewed on live radio, I have no way of knowing just who may be listening but I always feel that I am being heard. Somehow I feel that link and I never fail to finish a radio show without a knot in my stomach from an outside influence, which leaves me very uneasy for the rest of that day it’s just as if I have left a part of me there that I needed to leave. A sort of psychic tie that may be invisible but its effect is felt in both directions; we have a common state of mind simply because we know just how it feels to endure the devastating effect that sexual abuse causes.

I could sit here and try to guess or explain how or why this happens but in all honesty I’m not sure that I have the required skill set to relate the how’s and why’s, the fact that it does needs no explanation to me I know that the draw towards that other being is not within my control. In a strange way because of my abuse I have an army of people out there that I can find some comfort with and I never ever really feel alone, even though the receiving of this felt comfort is through the sharing of a terrifying experience. So I guess that is why I am here today to remind you that you are not alone and comfort can be found by just reaching out in the right direction, suffice to say that I awoke this morning with this overwhelming feeling to remind all of those out there that has ever suffered from the terror of sexual abuse that we are here just waiting.

So is it a psychic link or shared experience? I’ll leave that for you to decide……….

Deep Seated Anger

Deep seated anger it’s a feeling that we can all relate to because anger is an emotion and as with all emotions we will feel them, every emotion we feel is so completely different and insights a different response. With the emotion of anger we can at times feel like we are within a demolition site just standing there as the building falls around us, unable to move for fear of being crushed whilst our ears are bombarded with the sound of the explosions that won’t cease even though we are the ones with our finger on the button. We stand there holding on to it with a death grip and even then it seems that the button has its own mind and we can do nothing to remove our finger until this anger has been expunged. By that time your head will be spinning with the heightened emotion felt and the experience you have just been subjected to, as we are left faced with what we still have left in front of us whilst not caring if anything can be salvaged from the rubble at all.

We feel that the anger that arose within was not unjustified but still OK someone has to come in with the bulldozer to clear it all up but it’s not you so that’s fine right?

We experience many emotions there is the emotion of complete love of disappointment or complete sadness and let’s not forget worry. Our range of feelings once evoked by our emotions can seem endless and are so very complex, that we could go on here filling up the page with the awesome range of our emotions but let’s go back to the subject at hand i.e. deep seated anger.

This emotion is nothing more than a wrecking ball hell bent on destroying our lives by the way that its felt it’s an overriding feeling that is so dam hard to get control of once it’s out of its box, it will fly off in every direction having the same effect as TNT which we then use to bring the house down. The walls fall around us but we will not be content until its structure is completely demolished right down to the footings, because it’s then that we can gaze at our work with complete relish and satisfaction and see the effects of the bomb that just went off all around us. There we stand righteously gazing at the carnage of damage as the dust swirls all around us trying to find somewhere to settle so that we can see through the fog. Completely unaware and not caring about the materials that will be needed in time to rebuild this desolation, to be able to start from scratch with something liveable but it’s really not our problem right?

It was justified you were right to lose all control because you felt either judged or suffered disillusionment with another or was it was a broken trust? Next time whoever will know just how far you are prepared to go if this situation recurred right? There we sit on our extremely high horse with our head in the air but mostly feeling completely removed because we had not been the cause of it right? So many questions but we have all the answers don’t we? But as we leave that situation with all that in mind we can’t help but take with us the fragments of what has just fallen down around us, the pieces of broken debris which may at that time be invisible to us, the dust in our hair and the dirt that we walk away with on the bottom of our shoes. We may have left that building site but inevitably it will take more than a shower to make us feel clean once again.

Deep seated anger has no real place in our lives other than to buffer our dented ego or to make us feel righteous defensive or pain, but the problem with this emotion is that it can’t help us to feel better about ourselves it can only in time give us a deeper understanding of that situation. I’m really not talking here about the recipient of that explosive emotion because I guess we could do no worse, we have made it completely clear just how we stand and there could be no mistake. I’m talking here about that emotion of regret that as yet has not even entered our minds but who sees regret at a time like this? Well I guess that’s just another unanswered question for now.

Regret for how that emotion made us feel because in time nothing is without its cost let’s hope that the cost won’t not be too high, because everyone pays the price when this deep seated anger is invoked. So before we embark on this lonely angry exercise should we not try to answer at least one question? Is that TNT really needed or what’s warranted? Just maybe the restructure of the existing building would suffice but that’s for you to decide. For myself I have already been within that emotion so many times that I have come to realise that I have lost something from each and every encounter on that demolition site, so sitting here today I try to avoid the one thing that hurts the most and for me that is regret although I don’t always succeed so I guess I’m a work in progress.

As abused children we grow up without even recognising the deep seated angry within us and that angry only grows with time, it’s inevitable that all the pain and control we have lived through serves to make us feel that we will always need to fight the world around us. As time passes it sits festering with seemingly no outlet or anywhere to put it down, but we have to keep looking for that place before that angry takes from us the rest of our lives in front of us. Sadly so very often that anger seeps out at the wrong time or the completely and utterly wrong place or even directed the wrong person, but we have to keep trying to find some control over that anger or we will never find any peace and it may even destroy any happiness we may have found.

Holding on to deep seated anger is nothing more than pushing the detonator and watching the devastation it causes- whilst expecting our own house to withstand the blast.