We Never Stop Learning

I try to post at least once or twice per month for both myself and others but I am finding myself drawn to my keyboard so often at present, I could tell you that there is a lot going on inside my head of late and that would be completely truthful. For the first time in my nearly sixty years, I feel free, free of the weight I had pulled along behind me since I was a child. For all of us, there comes a time where we find peace and we feel that at last, we matter. If I’m going to be truthful I am really getting in touch with my emotions, emotions that were so very deep within so much was unearthed! Who would have thought that it would take me this long? Anyway, that’s enough about me.

We go through a range of emotions as time passes and we are never too old to learn those lessons in a place that we have long been trying to avoid. Only a short time ago I was pushed back into a place where I could no longer hold on to that which I thought I had closed the door on. Circumstance pushed me there and I had no choice but to bend to the will of my emotions. I never thought that I needed to revisit that place but in truth, I had to complete my transition, although I had long ago thought that it was a place that I was already in! Wow, life can really surprise us at times and they are not always welcome ones. Sorry me again!

So how and when do we stop learning to feel and be affected by our emotions? We don’t just how staid would our life be if we came to a place of sedation and where there is no more to learn or feel? It may sound peaceful even wished for but the truth is without life’s challenges we would never reach into those emotions that we really need to feel. Unfortunately, we can’t hand pick which emotion arrives or if it may be life-shattering because life chooses for us so we can never just sit back on our laurels. Wherever we are taken on that journey there is always a way back, eventually, and a way to pick up the pieces that will be presented in front of us resembling our life’s jigsaw.

Understanding that you can still do well and recover after experiencing a bad journey is a realisation that comes to us all if we look hard enough-nothing either starts ends begins or happens unless we try and trying is something we are world class at. Even if done so humbly or begrudgingly with acceptance, we have to complete that particular journey now because its time and time won’t wait. Lessons can be painful not only for the receiver but also for the giver sometimes without knowledge, our lives are not only shaped by our experiences but by our relationships with those that we love or loved.

We should never ask that of somebody that we wouldn’t ask of ourselves and this lesson may not be intended for you alone. In essence, we are contributing to that lesson far more than we realise we have reached a catalyst that we can no longer ignore, and we can’t or won’t move past it until our learning takes place and that journey has been completed to whatever end. Ignoring these lessons will only mean that they will need to be repeated, but there comes a time where they are seen for what they really are, life and the complicated issues or experiences that are the makeup of who we are and all of mankind.

Our difficulty is that along with what life throws at us we have to reconcile the conflict within which makes it far more difficult, and the lesson has to be experienced and digested by two. That other part of you at times completely takes over and so our actions or reactions are distorted and at times explainable why? Our interactions will always be the child protecting its self and the adult not understanding the choices made by that child. To rectify the lesson has to be learnt by the merging and the understanding of the actions taken whilst apart trying to protect ourselves in conflict, if we have any chance of becoming complete and as one softness is much needed here not judgement and at times we make all the wrong choices whilst trying to integrate.

Ego paenitet, ego eram tenens puer meus- it sounds so much better in latin but heartfelt within any dialogue………….

Ես անկեղծորեն ներողություն եմ խնդրում այստեղ ձեր ծնված լեզվով


We all smile right? But do we or is it what is expected of us? It’s a hell of a question that we are faced with and a practised art that we are expert at, no one would ever know that deep inside we are anything other than smiling. We have become so completely apt that we would fit right into any drama class available and instantly become a star pupil; we would be offered the top spot of the lead without even breaking a sweat. We are praised for our ability to quick study that script and just how quickly we can pick up our lines, people are in awe when we arrive on stage with an exact precision never missing a curtain call whilst making it all look so simple.

We would be at ease as the clown in the big top entertaining the audience who are rolling in the aisles as we perform for their amusement, we are viewed with obeisance and our appearance is that we belong nowhere else that we were born to it. Our tricks viewed with canned laughter arriving just at the right time as we amuse within our practised act, it seems without any effort at all we know just when to deliver our punch line, and just when that crazy car we are sitting in should collapse beneath us.

OK, in truth we are just going along with the flow because that’s what we know how to do best, we are controlling our real emotions never letting others see inside of us where we are scattered with turbulence. Allow them to see the effort that this ruse is taking from us that’s not an option, denial is our way to disrupt clear thought and we hope to fool the onlooker. If they would see the truth that our acting is just that-acting denial would be there front and centre, and it’s so easy to paint on that smile, after all, it’s just makeup. We have continued on in this rehearsed lifestyle for so long that it seems that we can even convince ourselves but why do we? Answer-the act the makeup and our artificial life we are living is so much easier than to hold on to the truth, the truth means that we have to do something and we have no idea what that is or what to do first.

As we hideaway from our emotions using our denial for ourselves it also seems that we even invite others to do so, we have in fact become people pleasers without really recognising it. Somewhere along the line they have become the ones in control as we agree and deny ourselves our choices, with very little space in which to do anything other so once again why? Have we not already been within denial most of our lives being denied that which should have been giving freely and subject to another’s control? Until we can make our own choices we are never going to be free. Until we can love to be and live openly in our own skin able to express our true emotions without allowing judgement, we are stuck for eternity in a place where we have placed ourselves is that not a little ironic?

These words echo in my head often because I know that place and I know just how it feels to be stuck there by my very own actions or were they? That’s another question. It took me a long time to realise that special something arrived in my life that was life-changing, and that I was never going to make that change by pretending that it never happened. I had to make my own choices and yes that could be disastrous or the complete opposite, but I’d never know if the only road I could only walk was not in the direction of my choice. Of course by the time I or we reach there with complete realisation it may already be too late, It’s a sadness that we will hold within for a lifetime and so very painful on visiting. But hey it’s fine yes? Because there is our denial arriving on cue and just when we need it, we know that emotion like no other at times all we do is live within it.

I walk down that familiar road often and I now recognise that the advice I’d been giving was never really followed by the giver because the advice they gave me was, in essence, was that I should keep denying. It would or never could have an effect on their lives I was following their script, not mine, and I was the one left with the outcome of my denial.

It all sounds a little heavy right? Believe me, it’s a load that I have now put down without any help from my wise advisers, because it’s so very easy for them to look at us outwardly not seeing us within. When they push us to that place of denial they have no problem at all getting out again, they just leave us with their good intentions or advice not really caring that it’s the right advice and why should they? It was never going to affect them but it had a huge impact on our lives as we feel that we have to live by their direction.
Denial can be fatal when we aren’t true to ourselves-denial can be destructive when we walk the line that others have drawn for us-denial will never allow us to come to terms with our abuse and make those changes so greatly needed-denial of our emotions will and does deny us from ever really finding happiness. Life takes time to get it right and its hard work for your abused child living in our adult body, because all of the above is so way above their head that we have to act for them or leave them for the dead which is no choice at all.

Expect to be questioned moralised and looked at quizzically as if you have totally lost your mind, but the truth is you have only just found it, because when it comes down to the wire you will need to live with those choices, as they quietly disappear into the background. It’s strangely odd when you first start listening to that unpractised mind it’s somewhat like you have suddenly found a stranger hidden within, but it’s no stranger it’s the voice you should have been listening to always with love and affection and recognition. It’s the only one that matters and it’s the one where denial no longer exists, and we are free just to be and act on our own emotions feelings and our own truths.

We really have no place here in life when the direction from another is all that we follow, and our reactions are based on what they think we should do, so do we follow blindly? Quietly walk away from life’s asked questions because we are not capable of standing alone? Well, I guess that’s life but it’s so very far from living. I don’t know about you but I’m a little tired of all these questions? No more so than when I am constantly questioning myself.

Denial is somewhere that we will never be free of if our choices aren’t our own-have we not lived long enough within this denial? For so long I didn’t think that I could hold on to the truth it was just too painful so denial ruled, but I’m still here and living the life that has opened up for me in so many ways. By accepting and wanting something different that was my own choice I have found love within my heart, which had been lost to me because when you deny it’s the full package we don’t get to pick and choose.

The only life that we are sure of is the one in which we are living right now no matter our beliefs, and it’s the only one in which we should not lose our right to belong and loved. So should we deny those things that we know to be true when we are questioned with regards to our choices? Today was a ground marking day for me and I’ve spent most of it alone with my thoughts, and really looking at the past advise given to me, because however well-intentioned I had to bear the cost of repeating myself over and over they were never my choices.

Should we not be saying I choose whom I love and I choose whom I wish to spend time with; I choose to follow my heart even if I hit a brick wall which falls down without foundation. What’s important here is that we are choosing and not being dictated to or pushed into that place of denial, because if that wall falls we will be the only one beneath it, good intentions mean nothing, even if that were their intentions.
It seems that some believe that because we were abused we make unsafe decisions, which have no foundation in which to build anything on and I so very strongly disagree. We’ve lived our life without any foundation and nothing more but sheer audacity at times. Talking to you here today I have for the most taken control over my abuse and I’m grateful for that, but it seems that on some level, I still care that I am seen to be doing the right thing but the right thing for whom? More questions. It’s been a strange day for me and I haven’t felt this knocked off course for many years so nothing is foolproof, and there are still some unexpected shadows within me that I have to experience as yet, I am still creating that learning curve one day at a time.

I don’t always get it right even half of the time by far because I’m human, and we humans could learn a thing or two from man’s best friend. Maybe that’s the reason that I feel so completely at home with them, free never judging they just want to be with us and along for the ride. They never expect anything other than the truth and shared emotion, without expectation love and compassion to give without receiving. Denial is a human emotion and I can’t help but think that we have a lot to learn from our four-legged friends.

Solely thinking for myself If only I had a dog’s life………

Words that move us

Whist sitting down to write last night a song came on the radio and it really touched me deep within I guess its because that’s how I feel right now after my resent news and where I am in my life at present. It touched me so very deeply that I would like to share it with you. I am sure that the lyrics to this song are something we can all completely relate to.

I am recovering
The faith of a child
By part of my heart
I was reckless and wild
I am recovering
The hope that I lost
The part of my soul
That paid the cost

Little by little
Day by day
One step at a time
Shake off the devil
Take back my piece of mind

I am recovering
Anxiety addict
A broken perfectionist
Somewhat erratic
I am recovering
A constant regetter
Hold it against her
At least till forever

Little by little
Day by day
One step at a time
Shake off the devil
Take back my peace of mind

Hold me
As I fall apart
Hold me
Here in the dark
Cause the old me
Run just as far as I could from my heart
Well I’m going back to the start

Little by little
Day by day
One step at a time
Shake off the devil
Take back my piece of mind
Tell her I love her
Take back my piece of mind

Battle of realignment

Well let’s start by saying that we are about to enter into a conflict that we have never experienced when we approach this subject and it will create a gigantic open wound that could compare to the effects of surviving an atom bomb, on entering that place we need to be completely sure that it is approached with our minds being completely open and prepared and lying to ourselves will have no place there. This can be with the support of someone highly skilled in this matter because when that bomb goes off we can become completely overwhelmed. But it’s important to realise that the most qualified person to approach this situation is without any doubt us why? No one else knows our inner child more than ourselves. Yes we should take direction from those that offer it but ultimately the resounding decision to embark on this transition is ours no one else can make this choice for us, we alone can settle and hold our outer being before we enter that place ultimately it’s up to us to find that confidence which happens when we are within a space that we feel we have some control of there may be many retreats to regroup but that’s OK. It’s a completely different matter dealing with our daily abuse knowledge we recognise it because we are used to holding ourselves at that moment but when we reach back into that dark remembered hidden place it’s a completely different situation. Make no mistake we will need to be the one with the ability to enter and release ourselves at that moment in time when we are on the outside looking within. It has to be our choice to delve into a war of remembrance and to deal with the after-effects of the explosion after the desolation and still have the strength to stay there. We will find so many pieces of the life we have lived until now along with that which we chose not to remember as a child all around us and we will have no choice but to pick it up, our child is carrying so much hurt and pain that they can’t help but drop because they are already holding more than they are able to so we have to be strong enough to deal with both sets of emotions. When we enter this place during our realignment we will have no other choice but to lighten their load, after all, they have been holding it for us and from us for so many years embracing our emotions without choice, we have until now existed separately but we will never win this battle without standing face to face on that front line both looking and hoping for a cease-fire and a real understanding of what the other has endured.

Walking back in time in our minds and embracing our pain is for us an extremely brave move which is worthy of any medal being pinned on our chest, and it takes a huge amount of strength and determination to enter that place without any military training whatsoever. During this time its effects will be felt on every level as we try to untangle all those years of suppression and separation to look squarely into the face of that other part of us we will both be in the trenches edging our heads out of the rabbit hole and trying desperately not to get shot in the process. There will be plenty of skirmishes and we will not escape without taking a few bullets but the only other option would be not to try and we are not able to be a conscientious objector if we are ever to be in with a chance of emerging victorious and complete. In essence, our separated souls need to come together and I know that’s an odd thing to say but until this point, that’s just how it is, and I don’t have any greater explanation nor am I able to give a deeper insight just the knowledge of the journey I have made. Within my journey, I had to blend completely with my inner child and take most of the weight upon my shoulders because the other is a child and that’s what grownups do right? Well yes, but at that time I felt so completely vulnerable when I first met my child face to face and maybe that was how it was supposed to be, how could she rise to my level of being I had never let her I’d placed those emotions and memories there so very long ago because I was myself at that time an abused terrified child and I just couldn’t hold on to them. I had created this separation as that child I had to do so if I were ever able just to be and stay within this world and I’m sure that it’s the same for everyone, we had to survive so the deeper we pushed these experiences the better, in essence, we chose to close off that part of our brain.
Being inside of our own head can be so very difficult even in the here and now so trying to deal with our memories in totality is a huge ask but it’s a direction and journey that only we can take, we have to go back there and start to make a dent in the task before us and no longer practice total avoidance why? Until we do peace will avoid us for a lifetime. I guess it’s a little like requesting that we meet in no man’s land where we are both in a place that’s completely neutral. Whilst there we will, unfortunately, need to be reacquainted with those disturbing memories and relive the pain of their reality, those things that we had placed within on this unknown battlefield but if we can find our way to this neutral ground before the first shots are fired that in its self is a victory. No one wants to go to war why would they? But some battles can only be won by engaging and it’s a fight that we alone have the insight to be able to have any chance of conducting the strategy required for that much-needed truce.

If we take the time to prepare ourselves for whatever situation we may find ourselves in then the battle is already half won and we enter into the battle on our own terms and not dragged along kicking and screaming, it’s so important that we don’t feel pushed or pulled in any direction by our opponent-our child or those around us and that we are on solid ground in which we are able to stand firm. Our opponent in truth is our child and you may ask why I would refer to this union as war? Well, we are at war because our child is too afraid to let go of what they are carrying because if they do how do they exist? They believe that we’re not capable of holding any part of it we could never do so before to prove a point and what is this becoming one? The only way we will ever completely create this union is if we convince our inner child that it can be different because they don’t want to give up the fight even though they are buckling under it from the sheer weight. Their fight is to stay buried undisturbed within that dark place because no man’s land is to completely barren open and unsafe so they are staying put. The war is between them holding on and afraid of trying anything other and we trying to achieve and take hold of that which we know is needed to achieve that merge towards recovery. All wars aren’t obvious to those around us or visible to another because life for an abused child-recovering adult it can never be that way, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less of a war and one of the hardest battles we will encounter in our lifetime. There comes a time where we have to bring that child into our world and the present we can’t forever keep them in that world of pain its way past time that they joined us in the now, in truth the war that we don’t think we can win is the only one worth fighting for and so very fruitful changing our memoirs of the future.

It’s our job it has to be to take that child to a place where they feel safe for them to trust that we will stand there with them behind that wall of smoke after the explosion of that joining, and yes we may disturb the battle ruins further creating a larger cloud of smoke which leaves us both at that time without clear vision. But the smoke will clear if we stand there long enough in a united front holding each other and sharing these experiences for the first time in our lives, it’s a little odd and we will make mistakes because we all do but once we achieve this union we will never be alone again its different now we have two sets of hands, and the other will assuredly pick up that which we may drop on this journey for the first time in our lives we have backup that we can trust and we are as one. Throughout my journey and to that place of peace I was left with the knowledge that whoever had helped me along this road towards recovery in the past the only one that really mattered was deep inside of me.

I know that in time we can all face that inevitable battle of realignment why? This is so very far from being our first skirmish…………………

Out of body experience or journey into the hell of my sub-consciousness? Take 2

This is the second time of posting this piece I first posted it in January of 2015. I was asked to forward it to an organisation to add to their itinerary but it seems that the experience that night continues to baffle me, on looking for it within my website it was nowhere to be found! Luckily I had saved it on a memory stick so all was not lost. But it seems that the plot thickens within that incompletely insane journey that I took and I still can’t untangle what happened although my mind continues to make reference to it often……..

I sit here today in front of my computer with no understanding of the place that I visited six nights ago. If I’m honest as yet I still can’t find any learning that I have acquired from it. It will it seems take me a while to try to loosing this knot before I even attempt to undo the whole. I will put down here everything within my memory with regards to my journey and its contents. That said it will be as well as I am able at this moment in time. My conclusion that I hope to arrive at is one I am still struggling to acquire, but I am hoping it’s a work in progress. As always it’s for you to arrive at your own conclusion.

I remember going to bed I was really tired and in a lot of pain which is ever present for me. What happened in between to the point to where I awoke I will depict below.

Where am I? All around me there is the fun of the fun fair the colours are so bright and vivid. Stalls in every direction rides for as far as the eye can see, people milling around happy it seems with all that surrounds them. Roller coasters dipping and diving with their seats filled to the brim. But its silent- all around me, I can see the rides I can see the lips of the people moving as they pass me by-but silence. I find myself standing at the front of a queue waiting to board the roller-coaster as it comes to a complete standstill. I lift my leg to board but the entrance is blocked before me, no matter how hard I try I can’t lift my leg high enough to succeed. People are pushing me from behind it would seem telling me to board but I’m unable. I try to tell them that I can’t hear them but they clearly don’t understand. I can’t move away from the front of the queue my legs just won’t move in that direction. I put out my hand to hold on to the side of the ride but my hand just goes straight through it. I adjust my grip to a different area but nothing around me is solid. Once more I try to lift my leg only to feel a shooting pain as if I had hit my shin; I keep trying leaning forward but I fall and the pain registers as I hit the ground. This situation seemed to continue on for it seemed like hours, me trying to get on the ride and the solid contact with the ground. Until at my last point of trying just as I am about to give up I was allowed to board. I sit down holding on to my leg trying to nurse the pain that I was feeling as the ride shoots away taking me with it.

Around and around we go stopping at different destinations for people to get on and off board. My head is hurting such pressure and pain it feels as if it is about to explode, that noise is confusing me where was it coming from? It wasn’t close enough to identify. But in that real space and time, the silence was deafening. I can’t stay here but it’s as if there are some invisible hands firmly holding me down. I can’t take any more of this feeling of oppression at the next stop I’m getting off. We stop and I make my way to the exit door to leave behind this roller-coaster from hell, but no matter how I try I can’t get off. Everything solid is moving around me swaying from side to side like its reacting to the sound of music that I just can’t hear. Everything I touch just becomes jelly as my hand is engulfed with it. Over and over I try to embark but they keep changing the height of the entrance door I just can’t seem to step high enough. I am once more aware of the people around me exasperated that I am holding them up but I can’t do anything. I try to talk to them once more to explain but it seems that they can’t hear my voice, and they are still mute to me whilst their lips are still visibly moving. I fall the pain registers as I hit the ground I try to get up but I can’t hold on nothings solid. I ask for help but everyone around me continues on as if I am not there. Eventually, I fall through the entrance landing hard hitting my head, and the taste of blood is rancid in my mouth. I hurt all over and I am now shivering with the cold. I look down at myself and all I have on is my nightshirt. I can’t understand why or how I had arrived there like this everyone else around me is fully clothed. Why would I have left home dressed like this?

I get up and look around me suddenly I can see faces in the crowd that I recognise but they pass me by as if I were not there. I then hear the barking of a dog I know that bark it’s my own dog Sparkle. She then appears from around the corner but not alone, as dog after dog just like her run towards me in different stages of growth. I bend to touch her head but my hand passes straight through it. But even as she sits before me I can still hear a barking and whining in the distance. I put my hands on my own head trying to understand what was going on all around me.

I find myself screaming at the top of my voice whilst the ground is moving beneath me, someone else is screaming and the voice is so familiar was it me? Once more I fall jarring myself badly as I hit the floor, but I just lay there in the street as all seem to pass me by. I get up and wander around aimlessly looking for a place that I recognise a doorway back to reality where I could leave this place and return home. It all seems so real or is it’s a dream that I just can’t wake from? I shake my head whilst firmly slapping at my face willing myself out of this nightmare but to no avail. I wander around but nothing seems real, somewhat like a fun house everywhere is just so colourfully and I am drawn to its magnitude. People are laughing clearly in the throes of great fun as I walk among them and I find myself trying to fit in. But I am lost to them as I walk along like the pied piper as the various sizes of Sparkle run alongside of me. Suddenly it occurs to me that I must be dead is this what the hereafter looks like? If that were so then I had to accept my end, but why I was being excluded from the fun going on around me? Why was I being shut into a place of complete silence? I sit down on the ground going into complete shutdown no longer caring anymore where I was or where I was going.

A ride arrives in front of me like an explosion how it arrived I have no clue? Someone is holding the door of the roller-coaster open for me beckoning me towards it. I don’t want to get up because I know with certainty, that even if I tried they would not let me board. I look away in the other direction somehow accepting my fate. As my eye line changes so would the entrance of the roller-coaster, jumping as if by magic each time I turned to look in another direction. Shouted at them I say that I would no longer play their game whilst refusing to move now at all. People are offering me food and drink but when I try to take it they move it further away from me. I reach down to touch my toes and they are like ice in my hand, the kind that your skin sticks to in the deepest depths of winter. Once more when I try to stand I fall it’s as if I were an entity not able to touch anything around me without passing through it. I hurt all over my body and I am now shaking uncontrollably. So did I just sit there accepting that there was no way home? Then suddenly someone or something told me that I had to try just that once more. I stood up and walked towards the door being held open for me and stepped up, something was different they were allowing me to get on was this some kind of trick? I was waiting for the axe to fall with bated breath.

The ride started to move and I sat down on the floor looking around me for something to wrap myself in to try to keep warm. I then saw a blanket but when I tried to pick it up my hand just went straight through it. Someone opposite holds out a coat for me and I reach towards it only for it to disappear. I sit down again and hug my knees against me in complete abandonment- I just did not care anymore. As we arrive at the different stops people board whilst others get off until I’m finally alone. There I sat going around and around on this ride taking in all the dips and dives, by then totally uncaring if we will ever stop. Memories of the life I had lived came flooding into my mind as I recalled all the things that I had done with my life. But far more vivid were the things that were done to me, hell what did any of it matter now anyway? Suddenly the ride was slowing and I had a feeling of recognition creeping into my mind something was familiar. Trying to explain this feeling if I were reach out for the right words, maybe it was somewhat like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Everything around me was happening in slow motion.

Slowly I opened my eyes like I was emerging from a deep sleep to find myself sitting in the middle of my bathtub. As I look around the room the bathroom door was closed which is something I never do, and the bathroom was a wreck. The towel holder had been pulled off the wall and the towels strewn in all directions. All the bottles of bathroom sets that had been out on display had been thrown in every direction. The toilet roll had been completely unrolled across the floor, the bathroom cabinets were open their contents all around the room. I try to stand up but the pain in my back brought me back down again hard into the tub. My lip was hurting and as I reach to touch it with my finger I find a large swelling with the blood still wet around it. It’s at that point my attention is taken to the pain in my legs where I could visibly see the swelling and brushing. I felt as if I were sitting in an icebox unable to make it to my feet to get out of the tub. I crawl on to my knees and reach towards the side pulling myself up into a kneeling position. Slowly I managed to climb over the edge of the tub and on to the floor. I was then aware that it was light and that I had gone to bed at about 10pm the night before. The strangest thing of all is that this was the first night that I had attempted to go to my bed in over a year, because of the pain I live with daily on movement. Along with a few demons and nightmares that still frequent my dreams, which are out of my control or so it seems so why that night? Getting to my feet I open the door to find Sparkle curled up against it and she is so clearly glad to see me. I sit on the top of the stairs trying to make some sense of the journey that I had just made but to no avail. Where had I been and why did I go there? I only know that during that time I had seen the night pass me by and the day arrive within that space of time.

Wow at this point in time I find myself questioning my own sanity? Or am I just not aware of the significance of this profound event?

I am struggling a little here as to how I am able to end this piece because it was a real experience for me, with all the terrors and unexplained happenings throughout. But oddly somewhere deep inside of me, I know that it was a journey that I was destined to take. That in time there is real learning to be found here for me. The whys and where for’s right now I am still trying to unravel in all honesty. But it is what it is and that’s what I have to contend with until that slither of light comes shining through.

That said it’s not a journey that I ever hope to make again……………………..

Addiction Without Choice

Addiction-we are all aware of addiction to the obvious when we hear those words i.e. drink and drugs to include prescribed pharmaceutical, but there are so many others things tied to this word a complete array of issues that are within its complex structure. In truth anything that we can’t seem to do without is as much of an addiction as those that spring to mind easily, when we reach a place of no return for the above there are many organisations or specialists that we can reach out to for help. These can be accessed through a visit to our doctor and his referral it’s recognised and dealt with as a matter of course because there is a direct chain in line all we have to do is go and stand in it.

I’m far from saying that’s an easy route to travel; of course, it’s not but it has a proven linked chain of referral that is moving us towards the day we can kick that habit. But for those that suffer from a placed addiction like abuse, we will find it so much harder to deal with its been there for so long we can’t even remember the day we started using it as such. In all honesty unless we reach a place to be able to let go of our abuse that chain or line will never be accessible to us simply because the start of that line is within us, no matter how many people offer to stand there alongside us even with the offer to carry that chain we will be going nowhere because we are the ones holding on tightly to that anchor at the chains fixed end.

I’m going to move away from the obvious because where child sexual abuse is concerned that chain is broken in so many places that it has becomes a heap of dismembered links, that solder that should be holding it fast together is nowhere near the soldering iron even if you could find it.

OK, so why am listing this subject as an addiction? The fact is that for so many of us who have been sexually abused we hold on to our memories pain and suffering for so long it somehow became part of our DNA a carrier of our genetic information that we make daily reference to. It’s true that were are not born this way but it’s been there for so long it can’t help but to be so although it was placed within without choice. It became part of our fabric and the foundation on which we stand today even if that sounds a little odd? well yes, that’s because it is, but if we were able to look deep inside of ourselves there it sits our addiction within in a place of complete comfort and so very sure that they are a habit that we just cannot kick.

When something has been within us for such a long time we have become used to functioning with it and we don’t really know how we will be without it being there. At the point of trying to come to clean i.e. letting go of and learning that there is a better way; we will also go through the painful effects of withdrawal be in no doubt but in a way that does not apply to the road we would walk for a way out of a drink or drug addiction.

To recover from our abuse addiction we have to let go of everything and that’s not as simple as it sounds because we have built our lives around its structure, we may have even added some extra links to our dismembered chain just for good measure adding to the chaos. We take on a world of abuse that surrounds us which only adds to the weight and the inevitable increase in magnitude to that in which we are already carrying, for some even attaching further pain from past history as if we are the only ones that can put it right. We feel the pain of all those that have suffered behind us with such a vigour that it would be hard to topple although it doesn’t directly affect us, or a battle that was lost so very long ago but still we drag it into our world of pain and it becomes our fight for justness and it becomes so complexly overwhelming.

So if we think about the structure we have constructed throughout our lives when we enter a place of recovery we are in fact having to let go of so many things, even those that we weren’t aware of at the onset as each piece falls away we are losing a piece of ourselves and we can’t help but feel the pain of withdrawal. Why? Because something is being taken from us that for all intensive proposes defines who we are in that moment it’s like pulling bricks out from the supporting wall of a building and hoping that it can hold itself in shape, and it may do so for a while but eventually that building will succumb to the inevitable because the supporting wall is just as it sounds. When we think of withdrawal we think of what’s on the outside that we are putting in but it’s just as painful when pulling out that which shouldn’t be there, because nothing has changed other than the direction of travel i.e. the method of access and exit.

So the heading of this piece can then be seen as letting go of an addiction that was not one of our choosing but that doesn’t make it any easier to give up, I can hear a few voices in my head right now saying how can us or I compare our abuse to the obvious addictions? The answer to that question is letting go of abuse is no less easy than giving up any other addiction-although many may not like the word that I’m using. In truth, the word only means that we can’t see a way forward without whatever it is that is keeping us -us. In essence, it only questions if we can be without that something? For us, that’s something that we can’t answer at the time it may first be requested just how do we know if we can when we are too scared to let it go or be without it? Our addiction is attached to how we know ourselves in that precise moment in time so how do we give up us? When it’s taken us years to build the person that we have become can we really start again and be able to survive that journey? It’s scary and we have become used to our chain links being splintered in every direction we learnt to manage right? You know the honest answer to that question far better than I.

Can we give up that feeling of pain the feeling of injustice and anger? Can we let go of the hate within and seek a way past that hate and look towards forgiveness? Are we looking for revenge and relate to the proverb of an eye for an eye? If so it won’t be too long before the whole world goes blind. Can we find that peace within and accept our past as being in the past and still be able to hold ourselves whilst doing so? All of these things play a big part in our abuse addiction because we can’t quite seem to quit these feeling and emotions that seem to be larger than life whilst judging ourselves or our perpetrator. If we are holding on to these things how can we? So we need to ask ourselves this question-is my abuse holding on to me or am I holding on to it.

Experiencing that withdrawal for me was a real feeling of losing myself and my past although that was a dark was part of me, and not being sure how my future would emerge would it not be empty without memories either good or bad hell I would be wiping out my life. By letting go of everything surely that would mean that I would cease to exist although the past was painful what would happen if I it was gone just who would I be? So in my own case letting go of the past was without doubt letting go of an addiction of sorts and one that I would have to learn to conquer because holding on to my abuse was my addiction. An addiction in any shape or form takes a lot of adjustment and hard work to alter or give up but we should never think that it is as easily described as a habit; it’s a whole bigger ball game.

No one wants to be an addict why would they? It’s never of their choosing it’s something that crept up from behind that they felt they have control of but that’s the nature of addiction. I am still so aware that this word addiction is not welcomed with open arms around abuse but there are many things in life that are true to fact but also uncomfortable, and you are welcome to use a different word if it doesn’t sit well with you but the word is not the problem it’s our inaction that matters. Looking away should never be an option we should choose because if we choose to do so we are stuck and if we are stuck how can we achieve the movement that we need?

Letting go giving up and feeling that we have the strength to do so wear many guises and there are many that relate to the word and the reference of addiction. We can and do become addicted to that place around our pain of abuse just because it’s easier than facing that place in which we cannot avoid the eruptions of the emotions that will surface if we trust to let go. Or maybe we can’t see a clear path in which to walk when something as fundamental as all we’ve have ever known departs. Addiction means nothing more than a repeated involvement that allows harm to ourselves so just how often do we delve into the abyss of our abuse on a daily basis? How many times are we held in that place of pain and be unable to leave?

Our recovery has truly begun when we can say but not today……….

Surreal Emotion

Why am I sitting here this evening? I’m not really sure but I feel that I have to share. It’s been over a week now since I received the news that my abuser had almost certainly left this earth, as I wrote in my piece of 22nd of October but I’ve been waiting for the 100% confirmation and it’s been a really busy place in my head since then. For once I’m lost for words because there aren’t any! I feel extremely emotional and deep and recognition of those years I could have lost in front of me, but mostly real empathy for those around the world that are still within their own recovery. In truth, I’m not surprised by these emotions he had once more left me with a parting gift although I’m sure that he was not aware of it which is a little ironic. I have reached a place in my life where I am happy a place that I had waited for always but it was never going to be completely put to bed whilst he was still out there. So yes he takes another piece of me with him my mindset realisation and the impact this created which I should have expected but in truth, I am glad that I experienced those emotions and they were welcomed with open arms. I will hold them tenderly how can I not? As with all of my other emotions throughout the years they are part of me. I share this moment only with my fingers tapping on the key broad and in truth that is no real surprise to me but I know I’m not alone and I am grateful for the interaction with my website readers daily.

I really don’t have a quip or any words of wisdom this evening I don’t have any words at all just honesty…………

Volcanic Eruption

pressure it’s something that everyone has to deal with because that’s life and there is no avoidance so in essence the only thing we can do is to manage it, but at times that becomes so extremely difficult because the nature of a pressure valve is to hold in what’s below it. But as we are all aware sometimes we have no other choice than to push the pressure lease button when it’s no longer possible to stop that eruption. We can never really be sure when we will arrive at that point of no return and pushing that button is no longer avoidable, when this happens it starts with a kind of disturbance deep inside but it’s only just felt a smouldering for all intensive purposes still felt as almost dormant, so deep within us there is certainly no need at present to call out the volcanologist just yet. In truth, we have become somewhat of an expert ourselves at holding that eruption at bay and at times we are able to dispense with it completely.

We’ve had a lifetime as far back as we can remember at doing so because as abused children we had to expand our power of control over all of our emotions, even pushing them so far within that we are no longer aware of their existence-or so we think.

The problem with a volcano is that it can lay dormant for many years but at its source it is still very much alive with its embers burning with a multi-array of colours together but apart. The problem arrives when the emotions within us create a fusion and then it has nowhere else to go but up. Maybe at the first onset of emotions, we are able to stop that eruption from spilling out its contents completely, and that molten lava heading straight to the point where there is no getting out of its way. But there will be a time in the future or our past that no matter what we do or did there is no holding on to that paroxysmal, as it explodes with vengeance and heads straight for that village below with no care as to whom it may hurt or the destruction that it causes.

In all honesty, we create this situation of volcanic eruption ourselves because of a learnt behaviour around the control of our emotions that we needed so badly, in which to remain on this earth with some amount of sanity so we’ve somewhat mastered this control. But anyone of us can only take so much and then we have to let go or go insane with the emotions that this eruption is causing. But as abused children and that control I’ve talked about above on its arrival it’s far more like a holocaust making that volcano look somewhat inferior and the destruction can be vast. But there is no going back for us when we reach that point in time and all we can ever do is to a assess the situation once the lava has stopped boiling and destruction has halted.

OK, the above for me is no stranger because I’ve entered that place more times than I would like to admit over the years to recovery, but in truth that was part of my recovery and that does not differ for any of us. We can’t start towards recovery if we are still afraid of the emotions that need to surface and that includes all of them good and bad because they are part of us even if placed there by another. Until we take them out and really look they will stay there just like that dormant volcano but make no mistake they are going nowhere. They were put there in a place of pain so the fact that we need to return there means that we once more experience those emotions along the way unfortunately, there will be casualties even if that’s not your intention.

We couldn’t avoid the structure of that village it simply just got in the way it was never our aim for its destruction and it was never our aim to be in the place that we had been taken, but as long as we avoid or hold on to that which needs to be released this situation is set to continue. It is possible to change the way we deal with things and avoid that place of no return with acceptance and inner work all things are possible and we will eventually learn that there is a different way. Communication rather than confrontation, understanding other than just listening, learning forgiveness but far more than that really forgiving, acceptance we are all different and there is a way to co-exist without the pain, make peace with our unsolved issues, expand the love and remove the discord for ourselves and all those around us.

That volcano is just too hot for comfort and I’m truly tired of stepping my way through its embers……………

The Monster Has Gone

The monster has gone-would we ever really hear here those words escape our mouth because the devil doesn’t die how they can? They were invincible some kind of entity that would always be there feeding on our inner child because we feel them daily, whilst that child is still trying to find that dark corner or place where it feels a little safer. like all abused children, we grow separately because there is no escaping the adult we will have to become, but our inner child can never leave that hiding place and be able to function so as the adult isn’t it now our job to protect them? Over the years we may have tried to go within to bring us together as one, but on entering the exact opposite would win through as they tried to exist in a world that felt so completely alien and fearful. Once joined we become that terrified child in a world that we feel is completely unsafe so we retreat back into the shadows of the dark and that blanket of the surroundings that are familiar to that child, because although it may seem as if we are coping with this union on the outside inside we are really struggling to be that person because we feel anything other than able.

Time after time we may have tried to bring that child to the world we are now occupying only to learn that even we can’t reach them because they have retreated to a place where we can’t enter it seems without an invitation. It seems that the traffic at that moment in time is only one way, once invited and we are able to visit that place it takes all the strength we have to pull back from the pain we are feeling whilst there because we can’t hold on to it. So we leave with the guilt we feel at leaving them behind alone there in the shadows, we have to do this because we are part of society and it has become an art form that we have mastered over the years. We need to do all the things that are necessary to be part of life or at least seem to be when in truth we don’t feel a part of anything just abandonment and the guilty reminder that we did not have the strength in which to stay. Once again we were not able to hold on to that terrified child and bring about that much-needed step towards their healing but we need to remember the important thing to recognise is that we are still trying.

So how do you deal with the news that arrives to say the monster has gone? How can you reach that child and coax them out of the shadows when it’s all they have ever known? How does that child trust that it’s really now safe to emerge and that you will be there waiting for them in peace? The real truth is that they don’t know this world that we have been living in because they have never lived anywhere else; it’s a hell of a thing to accomplish when you don’t even how where to start because for such a long time for all intensive purposes you have never lived as one. In truth, I’m not really sure who is more scared the child or this person that we have become, which at times at least to the outside world that we are a functioning member of society so what do we do first? How can you ever achieve that migration of becoming one? You’re so aware that this is a transition that only you can bring to fruition as we struggle within this reverse polarity, and not feeling anything at all in that precise moment in time where you can’t even feel as if your feet are really still on solid ground.

There we are in a kind of trance aware of this happening but having such difficulty believing what would be our first reaction? For me, it is to write which may seem like an odd thing to do after receiving such news, but my writing is the one thing that I can delve into and be able to talk and relate to as if there is a third person. I feel removed from the thoughts going over and over in my head I guess it’s what has kept me a little sane over the years because I’m able to feel there without hurting, that’s a concept that I’m sure others would find unable to understand but we have all found a way to distract we had to. A place to retreat that works for us a place where we can remove ourselves from a situation that is just too difficult to deal with in that moment of time, it allows us to stay anchored in this world which is something that everyone has to feel it’s just far more difficult for an abused child to do.

Sitting here we still feel as if we are on our own we can’t even relate right now to that inner child because they are silent but why? And we don’t think that having someone here with us would make a difference because the person we have to reach in still deep inside of us, and it seems they are not very eager to join us right now in this completely abstract state of mind we find ourselves in. So let’s move away from where we are at present and explore the ways in which to move towards that objective of becoming as one that any of us would feel at that moment in time. The struggles we would all face because it’s not as easy as saying “thank god the monster has gone” because although they may have done their memory is still alive and kicking relentlessly as you try and take in the information
received it’s just so unreal.

Our struggle is always going to be the memories that are so difficult to deal with because they are the biggest part of whom we are, and we feel as if letting go of them will somehow bring the monster back and that it’s all a ruse to put us off guard. How do we even make a start towards our inner child when we are still having immense trouble trusted this information for ourselves, it feels as if someone were to pinch us we would be back to reality and still under their shadow. Our minds are so full of this new information that it seems all else has faded into the background quite simply because there isn’t any room for anything else to remain, we feel as if the world is now a different place but what does that mean? How do we move on to a place where we will believe that we no longer have to run from the monster? The truth is that we have been running for so many years do we really know how to stand still? It’s like someone has cut off your arm and you had happily let them because it was no longer of any use but the stump is still there.

For some, it’s a childhood memory but for others the monster has been there with them for a lifetime dropping in and out of our lives at will and then the memories become vast, adding up as time passes and always expected to arrive and seemingly we expect more in front of us. It becomes more like an expectant visitor where you find yourself making room for them even before they arrive and that ever-growing pile becomes harder and harder to hold on to. Somehow you feel as if something is now missing from your world and not knowing how that will be you have never existed without the fear. You’ve prayed for it for so long to be able to escape their clutches and now that you have what’s left? It may sound like an odd thing to say but the only thing that has been removed is the monster; those memories still need to be pacified but at least there will be no more to add to that pile.

We are always going to feel unsteady with this adjustment because our abuse and its effects have been there for such a long time, in truth, it will even take time for this news to really sink in because we never had an out we could take of our own only the passing of time. It’s a shock and as with all others shocks we can’t deal with it over-night even though it’s something we may have thought of often, but the reality of the happening is something that we could never prepare for. I’m aware that all of the above may sound a little like we’ve suffered a loss and one that will be mourned over, but that’s not the way I am hoping that this reads because that’s not my intention at all. But it’s still a loss that will affect any of us greatly even if a grateful one it will need to be addressed and digested because every loss is life brings with it a change be it for the good or the complete opposite. But maybe now we can really move towards our recovery with a lighter step and a different outlook of the world and some margin of safety, where we are no longer looking over our shoulder and we are able to move around freely. To think that we can adjust quickly to this news would be extremely fanciful on our part, because even whilst at times they are not around us we are very aware of their existence. We have a lot of years to unravel a lot of emotions to deal with and then there’s that strange place that we now find ourselves in.

Receiving such news is quickly followed by emerging emotions that until now we have never had experience of its completely new and the effect can knock us a little off-kilter. It’s difficult to try to explain without experiencing because they arrive seemingly in a concrete mixer as their content seem to merge, as one after another filters into our consciousness whilst our subconscious is still deciding where to put the bricks. We experience confusion to joy and anger but it’s an anger that has a very different slant on it than ever before, peace and lightness as to who we are without that weight of always expecting. Because as long as they were living we never truly knew if we had left them behind without that glance over our shoulder or the feeling of anxiousness that had never really left us. But the one feeling that overrides them all completely is that feeling of peace that you have never felt in your life at any time preceding this news and it’s welcomed with open arms.

It will take time to process but maybe now we can finally stop looking under the bed……………