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Words That Should Never Be Spoken

Words have power and invoke upon us an enormous range of feelings and emotions but when these words are spoken by the one you love their power becomes infinite because you never expected it from that direction. When you are likened to your abuser the pain we feel is so completely excruciating because you know just what that monster was and is capable of.

Are you really like him? Or is this just a sure fired way of hurting you with the most painful part of your life as ammunition. Even writing these words is painful it’s as if you have been stabbed right through the heart by someone that your heart belonged to, you are deeply reminded that maybe you will never it seems be able to leave this past hurt behind you. Someone somewhere will always be able to take a clear pot shot in your direction at their will, as you’re reminded of the chains that you have been pulling behind you nearly all of your life.

So how do we feel when that remark is then made by someone who has also been abused themselves? They wouldn’t say that right? Why would they because they must be acutely aware of just how painful that remark would be wouldn’t they? Sadly I have become so very aware of late that there are some people that will say anything in which to hurt you the most, and the knowledge of your abuse is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal. But we need to remember that if they choose to take this action it’s far more about them than about you because in doing so they show the true measure of whom they are. It may take some time to recuperate from a situation like this but we are more than capable.

Sadly they will always be who they are with no hope of recovery within for themselves because they have become so very dark inside. I’m choosing not to write more here today because I am not prepared to give them any more recognition than they deserve why? In truth they don’t deserve any recognition whatsoever when they crawl along the ground so very low as to use our abuser against us. We need to be aware that this type of person is indeed out there among us, and instead of looking inwards towards their own recovery they choose to use it as an excuse to behave in any manner they wish to. Take this knowledge and bury it away in a darkest corner of your mind in the hope that it never needs to be exhumed.

But if there is ever a day that you’re reminded of this piece remember that their words reflect nothing about you and everything about them……..

To Feel Needed

We all feel the need to be needed right? But at times we may question ourselves as to why and where this feeling is ultimately taking us? When we start to feel that the only reason that we are with someone is because of this need then we travel down a very rocky road, when we feel that the only reason we are with another is our compassion and understanding of that feeling of needing it’s so completely wrong for all concerned. It doesn’t matter if the need is personal or professional NEED is an aspect of our lives, but there is a gigantic difference between telling someone that they are needed and actually making them feel needed. So you see this emotion of need is a complicated issue and in many ways it becomes an addiction, and like any other addiction we and all of mankind affected by it will come back for more because it makes us feel good.

The problem is that at times you can let that desire pull you into a damaging relationship for both parties concerned and maybe for completely different reasons, this happens often and is especially attractive to people who are afraid of being alone. The problem with that is we are giving without withholding anything for ourselves, and if we were to carry on through life this way we will only serve to lose ourselves completely. Needing should start from within and be held by us in much the same way in which we would hold on to a baby. Ok, we’ve established that we all have that feeling of being needed but for an abused child we are talking here about a very different deck of cards.

How does an abuse child understand this feeling of need? Just how confusing that feeling must be to them, because whilst being abused in some aspect they feel needed but in a much screwed up way and only because they are getting attention. This rendition of needing is eroding their lives away right in front of them daily and in time may destroy their future completely. Just how do they sit within that feeling or even be able to recognise it? It may even be the only feeling of being needed that they have ever received from a source that they don’t understand at all, whilst to them all others seem to be completely ignoring what is happening to them let alone needing them. Not feeling needed by anyone other than their abuser and their abuser confirms that to them daily.

As I’ve stated above this feeling of being needed is a exchanged emotion that is fundamentally required to feel that you have any worth at all. So let’s go back to the second paragraph of this piece and that feeling of being alone because as an abused child we have always felt alone, but maybe if we can find that feeling of being needed it’s all we have to hold on to even if it’s in a totally destructive manner. As I sit here today I am so very conscious of the above that used to map out my life so completely because I believed that if I were not needed then why would I be needed now? Why am I not able to experience that emotional exchange of a parallel need in a healthy manner? Even though this conversation with me took place some time ago now it was tough and it took me a long time to get to the place that I am in right now.

So there I sat on this emotional roller-coaster not feeling needed by all those around me and only experiencing the feeling of being needed from my abuser, it’s a very confusing time for a child that as of yet has not had any life experience whatsoever. Once more the life experience they are experiencing will never give them the life grounding that makes for a happy life out there in front of them, so ultimately what happens is that we learn through this experience that if we ourselves can’t feel needed then we can make others feel needed even to our own detriment. It’s for sure not a two way exchange but we feel that we can only play with the cards that we are dealt, but in truth we are creating vortex of one way emotion that in time will be just too hard to hold on to.

So where do we go from here? We need to go back to the dealer and re-stack the deck and face the damage that was inflicted upon us so many years ago within that place of pain, it’s the only place where we can alter the cards that were dealt to us so that we can play with a different hand. It’s the only place where we can take back our self worth and to understand that needing comes from within us because it starts with ourselves. How can we ever experience the feeling of being needed if all we feel we have to do is make others feel that their needed? If we continue down this road in time we will not fail to compromise who we even are. In truth we cannot make others feel needed by neglecting our own need deep within because we are evading the work that is ours, we can only sit within a situation that for all concerned is damaging until we find the strength to be true to ourselves. Taking the step towards that truthful exchange of need in a healthy place of a true exchange can only be achieved when it’s a balanced exchange.

But the real problem that we are faced with is that the longer it takes us to finally address this emotion of needing to feel needed we run the risk of that need needing us, and when and if that happens we are back within a place of being controlled. Ok it’s no longer our abuser doing the controlling but it can in time became equally destructive if we allow that emotion to run wild unchecked.

Our need is there no doubt and a healthy exchange of needing is something that we all want to experience, but what if we start to feel any threat of that need being taken away by circumstance do we once more become that child of so many years ago? If so we lose that reasoning of the adult that we now are and like all children it becomes all about us and that heart wrenching need, and then the inevitability happens and along come the tantrums simply because we need all attention directed at us just to make sure that we are still needed.

What I’ve stated above may happen in complete unconsciousness but it’s so very loud in your ear because at that moment in time we feel that our need is being pulled away from us and directed at another and that our need is no longer recognised why? That needy child is once more standing right there front and centre confused hurt and feeling invisible with none of its needs being met or so it seems. But the difference is that we are now adults with that life experience so here it is our consciousness arriving right on time and as expected shouting loudly in our other ear.

You need to maintain your own identity
Don’t be dependent
Get over yourself you’re not a child
Become more socially active it’s a big world out there
Be more confident in that exchange of emotions with whomever.
Be more mature act like an adult

Although trying to hold on to that maturity seems lost to you at that precise moment in time and the pain and panic that we are feeling is completely real and deeply felt.

In all truth we will always hold on to some of that feeling of being needed because of the abuse we have suffered in the past, but when need starts to take over our lives in adulthood we have to try to take control over that emotion although it may sit there in the back ground always. Connecting with that child within is paramount because that need in all truth is theirs and that’s where our control as an adult becomes so difficult to hold on to. But we have to find that balance or be controlled by our needs daily whilst feeling as if we are disconnected from whom we are within, because that child is still feeling that pain of not being needed and only you can give that much needed reassurance it can come from no other.

You need each other and neither of you is going anywhere……………

How Do We Convey Our Feelings Without Misunderstanding

Well this is a tricky one for sure and so very complex when so much depends on that other person we are sharing with and hoping they will understand, during these times we are walking on a very fine line as we struggle to feel comfortable to do so whilst also knowing that we could be opening a can of worms. So we sit with it within and struggle to keep hold of how we are feeling like we have to keep our tummies empty, but as with any other type of can we can’t eat its contents unless we pick up that can opener and proceed with the process of opening it. Of course this is metaphorically speaking but until we do we will never be able to examine or attempt to solve a problem, and yes at times this can inadvertently complicate or even create more problems or trouble for ourselves.

It’s a difficult meal to arrange not knowing what the other person prefers to eat and what will lie heavily in their stomach, but before we even present that meal we struggle so deeply with finding the right ingredients. We are not a Michelin chief and not at all comfortable even being in that kitchen, the ovens seem to be so very hot and we are so convinced that before we walk away from that kitchen we will for sure suffer from severe burns.

As with everything else within our lives we can’t avoid this issue without doing what’s needed it’s a little like trying to feel full without eating, until we face up to that meal we are going to suffer those hunger pains and eventually suffer with even living healthy on a day to day basis. Until we sit down at that table and share that meal we have no way of knowing just how unpleasant it will be to digest, but the one thing we all know is that we have to eat to survive.

When we hold on to those feelings how can we ever expect that another to understand without the knowledge of understanding how we feel, without being able to convey how we feel creates so much damage within us but speaking out is so very scary right? We will never have the forefront of knowledge as to their reaction until we do speak out. Hell when we do so we may find that we are not in the same restaurant or even looking at the same menu, but maybe when we do so we may find out that we are in fact able to taste each other’s meal with an open mind as to how it will taste.

I have found myself on many occasions sitting across from another as to speak and the language on the menu seems to be written in complete double Dutch, trying to share and being misunderstood or delving into that place of reaction judgement or anger which I know is not at all tasteful. But also knowing and feeling the indigestion of that if I stand up from that table and leave then I may never be giving the chance to taste that particular meal again. I guess all we can ever really do is to speak out and express our feelings whilst hoping that we will be received in the right frame of mind in which we have intended, we have no guarantees in life as to where to go from here only the knowledge that forward motion is needed. All we can ever do is to take that chance in the trust that in time and with shared conversation that meal will become a pleasant thing in which to share.

As a suffer of past abuse we will struggle with our emotions because we never really feel like they are our own, they are so very mixed up inside of us that at times they feel so completely alien. We feel that extremely difficult conflict going on around us but in truth quite simply we are in conflict with ourselves; what’s needed is to come together as one by really looking at those recipes within in order to run a successful restaurant. We try to eat correctly because we are told that we all need a balanced diet to stay healthy and our emotions really aren’t so very different.

I’ll see you the other side when you’re ready to pay that bill……..

Psychic Link

Most people don’t realise just how psychic they may be but in truth one sure way of knowing is the ability to feel another’s emotions or energy, when you think of someone else do they think of you at the exact same time? This can often be a spiritual connection or a deep based affinity between two people. This happens to us throughout our lives even if we are not aware of its nature or existence, we feel a pull towards another that is difficult to disregard or ignore. Time spent with them is looked forward to with fulfilment whilst within their company or even when we talk to them on the phone they just seem to fit, at times we seem to have the same thoughts emotions or sadness as if it’s kind of mirrored. Have you ever started to say something to that person and they say “hey I was just thinking about that very thing” in a sense it’s the ability to feel even if you are separated. We are all aware of things like – we make a call and on reply that other person will say” I was just thinking about you I was going to call” You can feel them around you during your daily life and they never seem too far away. There is a kind of camaraderie between you that you don’t feel with others it’s just that feeling that you find so difficult to explain, we only know that person fills a space within our hearts that is indescribable.

We often feel this tie with the ones that we love and are closest to us as if we can read each other’s minds and at times it can be a little eerie it’s like they have direct access to our thoughts, where has this invasion come from? Somehow an energy cord has been formed. It’s often said that this is an automatic response on meeting our soul mate where we just know that they are the one but how do we know? All we know is that we are drawn towards that person with an overwhelming instinct that is bigger than us.

During the years that I have been writing about my own abuse I have felt this extreme psychic pull so many times whilst relating with other abuse survivors, there is a link that I can’t explain but it’s there and felt strongly. It’s a shared emotion that we will never share with others that have never been subjected to sexual abuse; it’s a kind a feeling so deep within that at times it can give you that stomach over turning feeling or anxiousness within. I never fail to feel this emotion whilst writing a new piece for my website or being interviewed on live radio, I have no way of knowing just who may be listening but I always feel that I am being heard. Somehow I feel that link and I never fail to finish a radio show without a knot in my stomach from an outside influence, which leaves me very uneasy for the rest of that day it’s just as if I have left a part of me there that I needed to leave. A sort of psychic tie that may be invisible but its effect is felt in both directions; we have a common state of mind simply because we know just how it feels to endure the devastating effect that sexual abuse causes.

I could sit here and try to guess or explain how or why this happens but in all honesty I’m not sure that I have the required skill set to relate the how’s and why’s, the fact that it does needs no explanation to me I know that the draw towards that other being is not within my control. In a strange way because of my abuse I have an army of people out there that I can find some comfort with and I never ever really feel alone, even though the receiving of this felt comfort is through the sharing of a terrifying experience. So I guess that is why I am here today to remind you that you are not alone and comfort can be found by just reaching out in the right direction, suffice to say that I awoke this morning with this overwhelming feeling to remind all of those out there that has ever suffered from the terror of sexual abuse that we are here just waiting.

So is it a psychic link or shared experience? I’ll leave that for you to decide……….

Deep Seated Anger

Deep seated anger it’s a feeling that we can all relate to because anger is an emotion and as with all emotions we will feel them, every emotion we feel is so completely different and insights a different response. With the emotion of anger we can at times feel like we are within a demolition site just standing there as the building falls around us, unable to move for fear of being crushed whilst our ears are bombarded with the sound of the explosions that won’t cease even though we are the ones with our finger on the button. We stand there holding on to it with a death grip and even then it seems that the button has its own mind and we can do nothing to remove our finger until this anger has been expunged. By that time your head will be spinning with the heightened emotion felt and the experience you have just been subjected to, as we are left faced with what we still have left in front of us whilst not caring if anything can be salvaged from the rubble at all.

We feel that the anger that arose within was not unjustified but still OK someone has to come in with the bulldozer to clear it all up but it’s not you so that’s fine right?

We experience many emotions there is the emotion of complete love of disappointment or complete sadness and let’s not forget worry. Our range of feelings once evoked by our emotions can seem endless and are so very complex, that we could go on here filling up the page with the awesome range of our emotions but let’s go back to the subject at hand i.e. deep seated anger.

This emotion is nothing more than a wrecking ball hell bent on destroying our lives by the way that its felt it’s an overriding feeling that is so dam hard to get control of once it’s out of its box, it will fly off in every direction having the same effect as TNT which we then use to bring the house down. The walls fall around us but we will not be content until its structure is completely demolished right down to the footings, because it’s then that we can gaze at our work with complete relish and satisfaction and see the effects of the bomb that just went off all around us. There we stand righteously gazing at the carnage of damage as the dust swirls all around us trying to find somewhere to settle so that we can see through the fog. Completely unaware and not caring about the materials that will be needed in time to rebuild this desolation, to be able to start from scratch with something liveable but it’s really not our problem right?

It was justified you were right to lose all control because you felt either judged or suffered disillusionment with another or was it was a broken trust? Next time whoever will know just how far you are prepared to go if this situation recurred right? There we sit on our extremely high horse with our head in the air but mostly feeling completely removed because we had not been the cause of it right? So many questions but we have all the answers don’t we? But as we leave that situation with all that in mind we can’t help but take with us the fragments of what has just fallen down around us, the pieces of broken debris which may at that time be invisible to us, the dust in our hair and the dirt that we walk away with on the bottom of our shoes. We may have left that building site but inevitably it will take more than a shower to make us feel clean once again.

Deep seated anger has no real place in our lives other than to buffer our dented ego or to make us feel righteous defensive or pain, but the problem with this emotion is that it can’t help us to feel better about ourselves it can only in time give us a deeper understanding of that situation. I’m really not talking here about the recipient of that explosive emotion because I guess we could do no worse, we have made it completely clear just how we stand and there could be no mistake. I’m talking here about that emotion of regret that as yet has not even entered our minds but who sees regret at a time like this? Well I guess that’s just another unanswered question for now.

Regret for how that emotion made us feel because in time nothing is without its cost let’s hope that the cost won’t not be too high, because everyone pays the price when this deep seated anger is invoked. So before we embark on this lonely angry exercise should we not try to answer at least one question? Is that TNT really needed or what’s warranted? Just maybe the restructure of the existing building would suffice but that’s for you to decide. For myself I have already been within that emotion so many times that I have come to realise that I have lost something from each and every encounter on that demolition site, so sitting here today I try to avoid the one thing that hurts the most and for me that is regret although I don’t always succeed so I guess I’m a work in progress.

As abused children we grow up without even recognising the deep seated angry within us and that angry only grows with time, it’s inevitable that all the pain and control we have lived through serves to make us feel that we will always need to fight the world around us. As time passes it sits festering with seemingly no outlet or anywhere to put it down, but we have to keep looking for that place before that angry takes from us the rest of our lives in front of us. Sadly so very often that anger seeps out at the wrong time or the completely and utterly wrong place or even directed the wrong person, but we have to keep trying to find some control over that anger or we will never find any peace and it may even destroy any happiness we may have found.

Holding on to deep seated anger is nothing more than pushing the detonator and watching the devastation it causes- whilst expecting our own house to withstand the blast.

The Mask We Wear

All of us at times hide behind a mask to be able to keep our true feeling hidden because we will never feel comfortable with all our feelings and emotions out there for all to see, that part of us needs to be kept deeply within us so that ultimately we are still in over all control. Whether we are or not is a completely different scenario but it needs to be seen as such from the outside whilst what we are really feeling is a struggle deep within. When you have suffered from abuse you have already spent most of your life behind that mask, for us it’s far more than a prop that we are able to remove after every performance. It’s habitual and consistent and continuous as we portray to the world the face we want them to see, and this is true of all of us whether we have suffered abuse or not in whatever social situation we are in.

If we were to gather all of our friend’s family or acquaintances together every one of them whilst mingling will surely have their masks perfectly in place, but for those of us that have been abused then we need to add to the mix the vulnerability we are feeling. We are hiding and holding back so much more of who we are under that mask due the fear of being exposed seen as weak or judged, the feeling of not being able to stand up with any resistance to the elephant in the room that’s always with us. We feel sure that no one can lift that mask unless we let them so each time we are in a social situation out comes the super glue and that mask is going nowhere, but if we think that by doing so we also won’t be able to see ourselves beneath that mask that’s a complete misconception. What’s more during that said social event we find ourselves holding on tightly to that mask as if we are sure that it is somehow slipping, so now retreat is the only answer where we need to reapply that much needed and completely inscrutable glue.

I guess that in all truth we may never reach a place in which we feel that mask is no longer needed and shown to the outside world, but the only one that needs to see beneath that mask that really matters is ourselves. That sounds like a really easy concept but that’s not even close as to being the truth, because in all honesty the internal mask we wear is ever present the one in which we are the only ones that can find the strength to lift. It sits there like a kind of barrier between who we would like to be and who we really are, and if we were ever to try to peel away that mask well that’s a very daunting prospect. None of this struggle is even visible to the outside world, and for sure even if it were they would not have the skill set to be of any help this fight as always is down to us to make that forward progression. We can of course continue to project to the world that false image and even convince ourselves that’s who we really are, but there is a reason for that face makeup applied liberally that at times still allows us to see the tears of a clown. When you cry on the inside there is no body there to hear or dry your tears but that doesn’t mean that they will never dry.

We all have within us the strength to be that someone that we really want to be without fear or feeling any judgement, because as abuse survivors there is no judgement that even comes close to how we already judge ourselves. I guess what I am saying is that the mask we continue to wear was measured and manufactured by our abuser as children but if we really think about it have we now not outgrown it? It’s now way past time to be who you are without the need of that mask because that’s all that we need to be and to feel completely free where that inner mask no longer dictates who we have to be, that outer mask will always be around but we can choose to only take it out for that mingling we talked about above because lets be honest everyone enjoys the odd costume party.

Our lives will only ever alter for the better when we are prepared to take that chance……..

When We Don’t Have All The Answers Just Be

At times we truly don’t have all the answers when looking at it from the outside because the only way we will find them is by going within and this can be a very lonely place. We can’t answer others questions because we ourselves don’t know the answer if it eludes us how can we reply? During my own recovery I have gone through many stages and they have all been challenging, but what if the challenge never goes away no matter what you do on the outside? What if it seems that no one can help with this situation for an array of different reasons? Well we are then stuck in a place that seems impossible to escape from not only during the day light hours but also whilst we are sleeping. What if those questions still enter our minds in a way that we seem unable to be control? During the day we may find respite from these questions with an extensive effort which only seems possible in the worst gangster movies we ever seen or heard off, as we continually look for the answer to these questions finding no peace of mind whatsoever. But during the night that is a whole different ball game and we try so hard to control the melting pot of question marks as if it were even possible, the truth is the only way to avoid these questions is not to sleep at all but that’s impossible right?

l have spent many a night trying to do just that willing my eyes to stay open but ultimately it’s a fight that I will always lose. The dark is always a place that insights a little fear if we are within it alone and not knowing what may arrive, but to be in the dark knowing that the inevitable will always turn up it’s a place where we will never feel rested . So what can we do to change this situation? Well that’s an answer that seems to change on a nightly basis as the situation alters just as you seem to be up to speed with what you’re within right on cue the wind changes direction and you haven’t a clue. You become that leaf in autumn where you have no choice other than to fall from the tree going wherever the wind takes you, never knowing where you will land, and then once more being uplifted with another unexpected gust that can take you in any direction whatsoever. We all know that the elements at times are one of the most destructive ripping through anything that stands in its way so to be able to control the wind is not near impossible it’s completely impossible.

You toss and turn alone in the dark and then someone holds out a hand to you, but before you can grasp on to it the wind once more does its thing changing direction and you are blown along aimlessly. There you go without having any say in the matter only able to go where the wind decides is your next direction. Your feet never seem to touch the floor as you reach back desperately trying to clench on to that hand because you need to find some much needed grounding, but you are left watching sadly as it disappears out of sight and your continued journey rolls on. Only ever stopping when you awake in a ball of terror and a fear and confusion that we feel will never leave us or can be controlled.

So what if you’re days and nights suddenly become as one like you have never woken from your sleep and you are still within the night, through no fault of our own we start to live like these twenty four hours are one which then rolls into another twenty four hours never ending until the next. Where everything around you starts to act as if it were only possible within that film I talked about above, because this situation you find yourself in could only ever be in the realms of a book resembling the Kray twins. You start to live your life fending of those quick fire questions but you’ve never been equipped with the answers. Well it’s a very familiar feeling for me because as life continues I arrive at another set of these of quick fire questions sessions as though I am being tested, and as always I cannot ask the audience or phone a friend I am forced to rely only on my own grey matter for so very many reasons. The real complete craziness is that so many of the questions that are asked of me I find myself second guessing every answer that I arrive at. We will never be able to control what goes on around us but just maybe we can learn to control the within and our reaction even with everything around us still in turmoil, where we know with certainty that control will never be ours until the passing of time and a drop in the wind speed. We can never hope to control the wind so we must learn to feel it’s OK to be taken wherever it may blow us and to be that leaf that covers so such ground in so little time, to take each touchdown as it arrives as all the grounding that we need even though it may be fleeting.

The next time you observe that leaf take a minute to really see it because it’s not fighting the wind it’s just moving within it………

Our Subconscious Mind

Its always there hiding deep within us carrying all the bad memories that our conscious mind is unable to, it’s a place so deep within its only there that we are able to hold on to all those dark memories without the absence of light. We know it’s there but we can keep that door closed tight daily with our newly acquired strength that we have finally found during our journey to recovery. Our conscious mind really has that one covered and no longer do we feel its weight or its depth it seemed always, no longer do we find our minds drifting off quite so often as if we were within a day dream and within that place of pain. The lights are on the sun is shining and we are in full control within our daily life well as much as possible. We have days where it’s not all that good but we have learnt to process our thoughts whilst in a wakeful state.

Our subconscious mind is a million times more powerful than it’s predecessor our conscious mind, the activity of our subconscious mind never stops it just sits there in the dark waiting for night to fall. It holds on to our memories and experiences our beliefs habits and behaviour. Our subconscious mind acts like a compressor containing all our mental process that is inaccessible to our conscious mind through our choice, it can influence our judgement our feelings our emotions and our actions. It can also hold open the concert door for all those performing demons deep within, that during a subconscious state of mind we no longer have any control over. It’s where we store and hold on to everything and retrieve data from so like it or not it’s part of our being, because in so many aspects it’s who we are and where we’ve been in essence it’s the path we’ve walked so far. It’s where we subconsciously file all of the conscious happens during any given day that we have experienced, anything to heavy and we put it there immediately from learnt behaviour.

The time when our subconscious mind is mostly in control is during REM sleep which can happen many times nightly, and each time we enter REM sleep the period we stay within it lasts much longer as our sleep deepens. During this time our heart rate increases and our breath quickens whilst trying to process everything being directed our way, as we start to relive the day that we have just retreated from. The first time this happens we are still within that feeling of not quite asleep but not quite awake either, but it’s just the beginning where we then start the process of putting our rendition of the day where it belongs and in its proper place. It’s somewhat like we are a conductor making sure that everyone sits in the rights seats to aid the acoustics of the hall they are within, because sitting in the wrong seat can make quite a difference to the sound.

At that point we still have all control over the orchestra from the strings to the drums and everything in between; they join in with the onset of the music only when invited whilst looking at the musical notes in front of them- but then and only then. As the conductor we can ask them to stop, we can ask them to play just that little bit quieter, or to just fade away into the background because they are playing as directed and recognising our leadership. But as the night passes and our REM sleep becomes much longer in duration and so much deeper, it seems that no matter how hard we try or where we starting out from we are no longer the conductor. In fact we no longer play any part in that particular musical sheet whatsoever all directing has been taken from us.

That’s the time when the concert really starts and no matter how hard we try these musical demons awake and start to play unchecked with any instrument that they choose, and they continue on for however long this particular musical rendition lasts and all we can do is to sit and listen.

For such a long time sleep as I’ve said often in the past sleep was the real enemy for me and I’m sure that’s true for many others, I would fight it with all I had because of where I knew it was going to take me. To a place where without doubt I would no longer conduct anything, a place where the music became so very deafening and also without any rhythm or rhyme. Where the music played on with the instruments joining in or dropping out at their own choosing, never stopping it seemed to me not even to take a breath. All I would be able to do was to sit there with my fingers in my ears although metaphorically, as it seemed so clear that my past abuse had tethered itself to these musical instruments and had taken my place on the bandstand. They were now holding on to the baton tightly as they played the devils music with such deafening disarray.

We have all been there often so that we recognise that this rendition at their disposal could play on in theory as if endless but in truth the music has to end; even if we awake in a bath of sweat from what shall we call it a musical nightmare? So I guess what I am trying to say here is that it only takes an act or a reminder during our wakeful hours, or a jolt from the past surrounding our abuse for a rendition not of our making to lay low until we dare to close our eyes. But clearly close them we must at some point so we lay there in dread of the inevitable, because without doubt we can’t escape from where our subconscious may take us, we can only ever hope that as time passes we learn that music takes on many different lyrical sounds and as in life we don’t always like everything that we hear. We have to learn that we don’t always have a choice on the music being played, and just by doing so the transition from our conscious mind to our subconscious mind becomes less of a tuneless mess than before.

In truth I don’t have the answer to the length of the song sheet because I myself was recently reminded that there is some really crappy music out there.

But I continue to reach towards a place where I can once more remove my fingers from my ears; they are already not there quite so often. There is no set date or time when the music we may hear will only be sweet because we can’t predict that which is in front of us or where that may take us, there will still be times when our fingers can’t reach our ears quick enough. But we have to believe that there will come a time where we will accept all and every musical sheet presented to us, and reach a consciousness deep within that we no longer need to conduct that which is not within our control so to hell with them let them play on.

In time we will all reach a place where all we can hear is the idyllic rendition of a harp we just have to find the tuning fork……..

It’s Nearly Christmas

We are fast approaching Christmas and it seems that everyone is out there preparing for its arrival; there is a hint of excitement in the air and an infectious jolt of it coming ever closer. It’s a time that everyone seems to be looking forward to whilst imaging their own little piece of caring sharing and happiness within the company of family and friends. It’s a time of the year that it seems we are told brings peace to all men a time to remember all that we have been blessed with as we look back on our good fortune in the years that have past us by. There is a bustle and the crowds seem to grow bigger with every day that passes everyone trying to get the best deal or that promised present. Hopefully when the time arrives we have either acquired it or it no longer seems to matter anymore because it’s lost within the enjoyment of the day.

Children all over the world seem to be gathering in their excitement which rolls on endlessly until its fit to burst; desperately trying to control their emotions in fact as it draws closer sleeping is even difficult. Everyday asking the grownups “how long is it now” a day seems so long how can they hope to wait all that time? I am sure that everyone reading this piece can relate to all of the above, both as children and as an adult with children of their own. That’s how it’s meant to be right so why am I here stating the obvious? Simply because right now out there in the world some children never experience all that I have infused about in the above.

As an abused child the time of year never seems to matter our abuse never stopped just because it’s Christmas, we never look at the days passing us by as taking us one step closer to a happy event. On Christmas Eve whilst other children lay in their bed trying to sleep with shouts of “I can’t sleep I’m waiting for Santa” as abused children we in turn lay awake waiting so unsure if we will once more tonight hear the noises upon the stairs, that creaking bringing our abuse closer and closer until we see the crack of light as the door opens slowly towards us. Children trying to stay awake they want to see Santa willing their eyes to stay open as they become heaver and heaver, whilst others await a different fate that may visit them tonight and they for sure won’t be waiting for presents. The only thing they asked was another night without abuse because it never announced its coming, each night crawling into bed and trying not to wet it through pure fear of the oncoming horrific act or dream.

I remember thinking as a child at Christmas that I would be safe on Christmas Eve because my abuser couldn’t come; surly he would bump into Santa I had to be safe tonight right? How could he know when Santa was coming no one did or so I was told.

It’s so difficult to try to gain access into the mind of an abused child because through the circumstance of their lives they have built a brick wall around themselves and who can blame them? But when this wall is constructed unfortunately no one can go within that place not even Santa. They stay within themselves because as an abused child we have to create a safe place within our minds where we can go to hide even whilst our abuse is taking place, it’s somewhat like dissociation from our physical body as we create another being within that’s able to take it from us.

Christmas is just another day for an abused child no matter how many toys Santa has left under the tree, the night before brings them or could bring them something completely different and the sleeplessness is for a very different reason. Children waiting for that doll they hoped for or that car they just had to have, can’t release them from the dread of going to bed on Christmas Eve or indeed any proceeding night. They can only hope that one day the coming of a New Year and the promise of a new start in life will mean exactly that, but they have no way of knowing when their abuse will come to its end and when going to bed will not engulf them in fear no matter the time of year.

It’s nearly Christmas but sadly it won’t be a happy a one for everyone……….