Mental health system


To have harmony in life illustrates that you can handle life within different areas to include your career health and within a relationship, to be able to work towards your goals within that harmony which brings with it an orderly life, also pleasing situations are accompanied with a great sense of congruity. Harmony describes things that go together within an agreement for most of the time, for some it is found within meditation, which brings such things as mindfulness through the art of focusing, becoming emotionally and mentally clear. If people are living within harmony with each other they are living peacefully without the need for domination or trying to change another to their will, it’s an acceptance of a difference within the whole which brings forth this peace and harmony with little more than that acceptance.

I sit here relating with you today when the world has little choice other than to communicant within the situation of coronavirus, lives are being lost within this tragic situation, harmony is deeply required if we are to fight this situation together. Everyone needs to play their part no matter how small because in not doing so the unthinkable is very much biting at our heels. If there is an occasion when harmony is shown to belong it’s within the fight to save lives and to aid those around us that may require our help. Right now the world needs and is asking all of us to bring our particular strengths to the party within this global pandemic.

To return to the subject that has brought me here today it’s to hopefully try and bring light and understanding of what harmony means to adult survivors of child abuse, to try to understand that harmony may have never been theirs throughout life. How can harmony be felt by a child when there is never a safe place in which to live learn and grow? how can any harmony be felt whilst living within the complete opposite of all the above? Their childhood could have never been so far away from anything harmonious and that tread, unfortunately, would have followed them well into adulthood.

So many elements need to fall in to place before harmony can be achieved acceptance is only one of them because it’s only by really accepting our life that any balance can be achieved. As with all things the scales need to balance to achieve such harmony and the scales of a child abuse survivor have always been weighted to one side, a life without all aspects intact will never achieve a perfect standing to enable them to find that much-longed-for harmony. But their circumstance will remain unchangeable because their memoir has already been written and disharmony was the order of the day.

When we are children it should have been the natural order of things but within child abuse, it’s lost, just how do you cultivate the good in life which brings that harmony when you have only ever been shown the darkness? When all that seems to be felt is frustration and pain within a life that has been shattered. It’s a heavy energy that goes against the flow of life whilst travelling in the opposite direction than harmony.

For a child abuse recovering adult, understanding, their abuse means the upheaval of so many emotions and at times that emerging ever-burning question of why me? It’s certainly a question that they can be forgiven for asking but it’s also a question that can never truly be answered, no child should live through such an experience but it’s that adult that requires the need of asking. As a child, that question was so far beyond their grip and it will take that adult many years to even address that question because on asking it’s always that child deep within that will feel the impact of its painful absorption. Harmony is an emotion for all in which to feel within the journey of life when harmony is understood, but in doing so for that adult child abuse survivor it only reiterates the confirmation of its absence.

Emotions can be likened to a tidal wave and when the water below is so deep and dark whilst all along shifting with the tide, it’s so very difficult to avoid the waves whilst clinging on to the rocks but it seems to be their only survival. There is no harmony when you’re within a rip-tide and nothing could be less harmonious than the absence of calm water. For them, it can feel as if they are locked within the prefect storm-battered by the wind and hammered by rain, with all absence of a blue sky as the elements create their version of harmony.

Harmony can be a combination of different notes when all are playing the same tune, but it only takes one instrument to hit a different note to put the whole melody in jeopardy, someone stepping out of tune disregarding all others. That adult child abuse survivor has spent their life playing a tune where they were never accompanied, there was never an orchestra in which to guide their path toward any accomplishment of harmony, all the notes struck would have been at the hand of their abuser without any correction even considered.

It’s true to say that harmony is a state of mind just waiting to be unearthed and given time they will……


Shame is such a painful experience it’s a mix of regret self-hate and the feeling of dishonour, accompanied by the powerful gut-wrenching urge to simply disappear. You try to bury your head in the sand and away from those prying eyes, which almost feel as if they are a reflection bearing right into your very soul. Anger is a very common emotion for people reacting to that feeling of shame, which at times has the power to ignite self-blame. Which is not helped by the expressions of condemnation or disappointment in another’s eye. I.e. shame on you. The feeling of shame can come from a belief that we are flawed inadequate or unimportant, and at some point in our lives, most of us will be absorbed within that false belief. Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of one’s self, which in turn causes withdrawal feelings of distress exposure and worthlessness.

If we were to turn to the internet for guidance there is even a syndrome naming this impostor, which in truth holds all of the above creating the whole i.e. a shame attack. Some would even say that the reason for this is relentless self- monitoring and self-condemnation, can mean we are not within our ability at that time to absorb or expose the truth. But it’s far more complicated than that to engage with shame, far more then anyone one would have you believe. What I am talking about above can enter into any one of our lives within the stress that life can at times put us within, with little more than just living within life’s interaction daily. For the most it can be addressed and worked through, which in turn will allow forward movement within that life. But for adult child abuse survivors it can be a completely different story or life journey. When that journey has been imposed upon a child through child abuse, the direction that life took was not of their making, just as shame is not theirs in which to bear.

The unjust shame of child abuse never really leaves simple because it’s within the past, the reasoning for that, is that it’s an integral part of whom they may have become. Child abuse takes so much away from the life of that adult survivor, unfairly, shame has been and will always be an emotion which at times will be felt. It’s a long journey in which they take whilst untangling that web of lies to reveal the truth, and to put that shame firmly where it belongs. Even at the end of that journey the memory of shame can be unearthed, or revisited, by the slightest feeling felt towards being or doing wrong. How can it not be felt when their past still plays such an integral part in their present? In time, that emotion can be somewhat controlled as they break away from within that prism, their memories can be adjusted within an element of truth for the first time. That said, the pain of this now exposed hard truth will also bring its own set of until now hidden emotions.

Even after this adjustment, it would be foolhardy to think that they are now free from that prison of self-questioning at times. We should never underestimate the strength it will take to face that fierce battle within the shame of child abuse, it’s a battle that all would choose to walk away from. But for that survivor, the only choice given is to stay within the grip of shame or to walk that road towards the truth and recovery. But neither road stretched out in front of them will avoid the pain that either journey will inflict upon them, the choice between shame or pain is never going to be a comfortable one, ultimately, the cards are always going to seem as if they are stacked against them. Ironically, a choice can now be seen, where within child abuse one was never offered, but it’s far from an easy choice to make. Freedom of choice is huge and can sometimes seem as if taken for granted because for the most it’s a given thing, but for a child abuse recovering adult? well, that choice is a risky venture when that choice is a fork in the road, and they just don’t know where the road will end or the distance in which they will travel.

Living within the feelings of shame creates a lonely and demoralizing experience which can be paralysing for that adult searching for recovery from child abuse, it can reflect upon that survivor’s relationships their friendships also trusting is so often extremely difficult. It makes its way into all areas of their life it can have the effect of making them feel vulnerable, unable to express themselves, never truly believing that any empathy will be found. Shame should never be likened or compared with guilt or a wrongful doing, for a child abuse recovering adult shame or guilt should never be in the equation it’s held by another. But we would then, of course, have to believe that child abusers can feel that guilt, and at least for myself, that’s a difficult emotional belief in which I truly find hard to digest. In truth, it matters not when the journey towards recovery is chosen because it’s a release found from within, quite simply, the concentration of the mind is no longer geared towards that abuser. In this place, any residual power an abuser may still hold is relinquished with that movement the balance of that power is shifted.

When shame has been so wrongfully carried through life it’s so very difficult to dismiss, there may even be times where self justification of that shame may be wrongly looked towards. I’m sure it’s needless for me to say here that none of the above centred around self-shame and blame is either accurate or indeed truthful, but it takes time to roll back the mind and back towards those painful years. In truth, trying to make any real sense of that which has no sense is a tall order, but deeply required, if we are to have any real chance to look beneath that cloak and the real travesty of child abuse. It’s only then, that we may be able to grasp just how high that mountain is to climb away from that shame or blame for an adult child abuse survivor. I find myself reflecting on a proverb I guess it’s just the subject matter.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

But within the horrors of child abuse, the proverb above simply has no dignity or place in which to sit, within child abuse sexual shame or fool should never be felt. That shame was inflicted that shame was enforced, within a baptism of fire, when that child was openly unaided. But with enlightened hope, every adult child abuse survivor can today have access to that aid, when the strength is found in which to encounter and demolish that shame. Holding on to that crippling emotion within childhood and throughout adulthood only attests to the strength of that soul, and in time that strength will exert all in which is required to take back that life. That life which has until now has been overshadowed beneath the shame will now raise itself from within the fire with the mastery of the phoenix.

I believe without question and in time they too will ask of it……….


There are so many ways in which to explain the feeling of being broken, it’s an empty place within a void and however hard we may try, it still feels as if that void can never be filled. In truth, it’s a factor of life that we all experience at some point within our lifetime, times in which we feel as if the bottom of our world has just fallen out. When we lose something we feel is irreplaceable or we are denied access to those that we love through control or bitterness of others. Life can be a rocky road and everyone has to walk that road in a forward fashion when there is no turning around, but that knowledge does not make that journey any easier and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. But for an adult child abuse survivor they have been endlessly living within that scenario and the bottom of their world? Well, it has been missing far longer than ever being present. As they precariously try to find a position of safety, without the complete collapse into that darkened pit below them. That road in which is so very familiar to them has been endlessly trodden upon in the struggle to survive life it’s self.

The word broken can seem as final, but in truth, there are many ways in which this is not the case. It’s a mental image which has been placed within our understanding that creates that finality. The reason for this is that if something looks as if it’s not salvageable it’s then discarded. There is no longer a place in which it can sit be that an object an emotion or life it’s self. But there is another mindset that is so very often overlooked in which a choice still exists, one in which the defects are accepted and those broken pieces are reassembled. Although it may alter the way something looks or feels it’s where our stance can be altered which doesn’t call for perfection. It’s a place where an adult child abuse survivor can pick up those broken pieces and start to rebuild that which was taken from them, it’s a place where those broken pieces can be embraced held and loved.

There is a Japanese art form called kintsugi which practises a method of repair to ceramics with a special lacquer of gold silver or platinum, the philosophy behind this is to recognise the history of the object and to visibly incorporate a repair. It’s where that no longer discarded piece although slightly altered is renewed, by using those broken fragments because without any doubt for the artist it’s beauty is still very much there. This art is never thought of by them as being a repair in their mind eye but an opportunity to create and to disguise is never the artist’s intention. This now crafted piece is very much seen as a transition to enhance its beauty, it’s where each broken fragment still has merit simply by embracing its past and history. The old is incorporated within the mix of the new because it still has true value nothing has been lost only rearranged, as each fragment combines and finds it centre adjusting to it’s a new position. Welcoming the application of the material in which is now being applied, by embracing the touch of the artist as his care flows throughout that different mind-set. The artistry of that master will not only be rejoiced but revered, he had started with little more than that cracked and discarded item, and in more severe cases just a jigsaw puzzle placed in front of him. Nevertheless, he was still able to see the full potential that others may miss, Why? The vision in front of him is viewed within the complete acceptance of what others may see as being flawed.

A child abuse recovering adult will very much recognise the above they will have spent years just trying to rehabilitate those pieces, although unlike the artist any reconstruction sought out has been an emotional mind field. It takes time to see those once shattered emotions as being able to fit and come together in the here and now, whilst suffering throughout their child abuse all trust had been taken from them. Those emotions have been scrambled and pulled so far apart that the task ahead is much the same as trying to defeat a Rubik cube. Life has taken so much from them to imagine that those emotions can be reunited will feel as if being a step too far, just where do they start to untangle this mess within the pain in which each emotion brings with it? It will feel somewhat like a rodeo from hell. It’s not quite as easy within emotions as within the art of kintsugi, that said, without taking anything away from the skill of the artist. The artist is assisted by a visual gaze with everything somewhat assembled before him to aid it’s enhanced reconstruction. The materials required are at hand although subjective thought is required to complete the task they are freely available and at hands reach. For a child abuse survivor that particular aid is impossible to give and that bronco in which they find themselves straddling will have never before been broken. Their only aid will need to be found within the strength of their imagination of a different life, and the strength of their conviction bounced against and co-shared with that child within.

For a child abuse recovering adult nothing is on view and the struggle to find those dismembered pieces? Well, they are working almost completely unassisted. Each piece they find will also bring immense pain and holding on to it will feel as if impossible, even before any thought is applied as to where each piece fit’s to enable that repair to begin. Each broken emotion which is unearthed will need to be held in place with immense clarity of thought if there is to be any real chance to succeed. Piece by piece will need to stay just where it’s placed within the search for another because letting go is not an option. The appreciation of their work and the dedication required to move forward is internal, they will never have the option of standing back to admire their work, unlike that artist. There will be no time to walk away and to contemplate the order of things once the construction has begun, and the overspill of emotions once in motion can arrive at an alarming rate.

When your soul has been consumed within such a dark place the search in which to regain that which was lost is indescribable, but without each piece being rediscovered, sadly, nothing will ever really seem to fit. The search for the whole can take many years in which to achieve, and the only hoped for or any possible assistance will need to come from that scared and terrified child within. To the outside world looking in this may be seen as if both cruel and without justice, but in truth, justice has avoided them for a lifetime. That sensation is so very familiar to them. Sadly, at the onset of this venture that territory they must enter alone but it’s also one in which fit’s very much like a glove. There is nothing fair or just within child abuse and the journey to recovery is no different, and yes aid can be placed where it’s possible to do so. But the real art in becoming that kintsugi master of their emotions and the child abuse suffered is ultimately through their own endeavours, the pieces may be available and sitting within but it’s far from an easy skill-set in which to graduate

If we reflect upon the art of kintsugi we are then able to adapt our way of thinking because broken doesn’t necessarily lead to the result of discarding, it merely means that by expanding our consciousness we can see that there is another way. Just by doing so an adult child abuse survivor can move towards recovery just as painstakingly as the kintsugi master of the art. The rebuilt of course is that of their emotions and not those of the ceramic, but with this mental adjustment, both are then seen as salvageable. With the added cosmetic difference altered by the artist, it enhances the beauty of the object whilst still holding on to it’s past, for that survivor that beauty will need to be found from within but be in no doubt all is possible. For a survivor that lacquer of gold silver or platinum becomes that of movement and the art form of that movement is just as magical if not more so.

There are so many ways in which the word broken has meaning, shattered damaged cracked or fragmented to state just a few even without my direction. It’s an understanding that simply doesn’t need direction from another. In contrast, surviving child abuse can never be directed by another in any real state of understanding because to understand child abuse in its entirety, will mean that it is personal and it has been held felt and lived through. It’s where sleep alludes you it’s where your soul has been locked away it’s where peace is never felt, it’s a place where that so often quoted verse of walking in another man’s shoes could have meaning? But in truth, it takes that quote to a completely different level. The shoe here was always intended to be bespoke a one-off which can’t ever be worn by another, every child who has suffered the horror of child abuse will have their own complexity. It’s unique to that individual and any template if it were to exist has to be within the wider understanding of the pain and suffering of child abuse as a whole. It will never be within its entirety to fully feel that survivors exposure to their abuse it’s just not possible to see their immense suffering whilst looking from the outside in.

Being broken for a child abuse surviving adult takes on a whole new meaning and goes so far beyond any thesaurus for reference of the word broken at our disposal. As much as they have learnt to live within the shadow of child abuse because it’s known to them, the fear of the journey they must take is catastrophically magnified through that knowledge. To stand at the entrance of fear without the light of guidance and still enter takes an abundance of immense strength, and to do so they have to be ready and able to study and to embrace that art. With a mindset that embraces that difference in which the art of kintsugi has adapted as being possible, it will then hale the acceptance of that different reassembled structure which in turn nurtures self-love. There is a beauty within the acceptance of one’s self and overly more self-love sits within the acceptance of that difference. For an adult child abuse survivor understanding the art of kintsugi lends all to that mindset in which is required, that master has always resided within to overcome that doubt when the trust to believe is tapped into. Those emotional if thought about broken pieces are still within although dislodged because it was a necessity at that time to retreat to a place of safety. Within a darkened recess of the mind, they may still cower within that choice to reunite until that art is seen and achieved, but that only gives testimony to the inner strength of holding on to each emotion whilst apart and that should never be forgotten.

Broken? I think not…….


The hoped-for self-realisation when achieved by an adult child abuse survivor, is to recognise that the abuse they suffered was never their fault, but that is far more difficult to do then it may seem to the outside world. So many emotions will rise to the surface at that moment, in what can only be described as a spillover of gigantic proportion. For sure, there isn’t a bucket to be found that will be able to hold on to its contents. It causes immense distress to that childhood abuse survivor as they embark on that journey, simply because, the only way through it is to revisit that trauma head-on and come face to face with that misplaced misjudgement.

The absence of an abuser will never alleviate that painfully now uncovered truth that will be inflicted upon them, that huge emotional self-blame which has been so very difficult to address. Sadly, rearranging all that has to be recalled is a huge undertaking and so extremely confusing. In truth, that adult may even feel able, but for that child within, it signal’s the arrival of complete and utter devastation and they are left with that ever-burning question-just who am I?

Self-blame is almost always control related and when that controlled emotion has been in place for so many years, although it’s sourced by another, it’s a hard habit to break. For many, that attribute around their abuse has continued to be in place until this tentative point of arrival, they have been within that dark place of self-judgement for what seems like forever. When something is drummed in so relentlessly and callously on that naked soul of a child, they cannot help but feel that the blame lays completely with themselves. When in truth, it was inserted throughout their childhood without thought without care and compassion. It signalled the true loss of their childhood and from there on in we see the emerging life of suffering that child abuse creates, which is so devastatingly damaging self-blame almost seems to be part of their DNA.

All children, whilst suffering through the horror of child abuse have no other choice than to take themselves to a place of being unresponsive, they become expressionless, and they find it difficult to engage with others. Deep within, there is always that niggling feeling that their abuse must be attributed to their actions, without any adequate proof or recognition ever being given by another. On view to all that care to look there may be a kind of frozen watchfulness, as they struggle to achieve any withdrawal from the spotlight they feel is hanging over their head. They live within a space of dead energy, where their mind has become somewhat filtered with an automatic response in the right place, all else in which is left for them is the struggle to hold on to that place in which they can at least retreat.

Carrying the Knowledge of adult sexual engagement is so very inappropriate for these children, faced with a still yet underdeveloped mindset of the world out there before them. An acquired knowledge which grows within all children in time, allowing them to digest the world and its lessons as time passes. That enforced life situation is something that a child within abuse is faced with daily, and any giving of time for life’s adjustments has been stripped away. Their innocence is lost within the atrocity of child abuse, they are quite simply, a child living within an adult sexual situation and in the mix of destruction. Even as I sit here today and share with you the sentences I need to form are a struggle, any words that I can bring to my mind? Well, they don’t seem adequate to be able to explain just how much that child has been broken.

Recognition and the act of recognising are always accompanied by the shock of realisation for a child abuse recovering adult, this mental re-occurrence of recognition may have been darting around in the darkness for many years within avoidance. Before they arrive at a point of formal acknowledgement and somewhat for them the end of the line. It may seem curious that such an avoidance occurs, but avoidance within non-recognition ultimately means, that they can stay within the shroud of negative self-acceptance in which has been created. Even if those emotions are in truth a prison they still have a structure which is so completely familiar, and if that structure were to fall what may lay beyond it?

In truth, there is no escape from the chaotic disturbing mess of emotion that will be for them completely untried. Acknowledgement of the existence within recognition is so very far away from delving into those until now avoided events of recall, with that recollection on identification it will ultimately turn their world upside down. For them, it’s not as easy as the world at times may wish them to believe within the implication of any instruction given, changing their perception of that held on to belief just about alters everything before them how can that be an easy task?

If a chapter is removed from a book how will the story read without it? And a childhood abuse survivor may avoid this full publication for many years just trying to find those missing pages. Underneath that perceived avoidance is a child with no clue as to where to locate those torn out pages, even once found, where do they ultimately belong when the binding of that book is so broken? When it’s content was viewed as children to things that were so completely adult and beyond that child’s understanding. Whilst within a maze of counting those pages for a choice of arrangement that it needs to endeavour aid towards its completion, but what if whilst within its puzzle the pages seem to refuse to stay in order. Overly more so, the author of this written labyrinth was themself how could they misplace the structure of that manuscript? You can’t help but see their dilemma.

Problems within life that are familiar are easier to solve because the quicker that we do so makes the overall task that much easier, whenever a pattern exists it’s so much easier to follow. When the pattern of child abuse and self-blame is locked within a child, the mindset which is needed is, unfortunately, a pattern which requires a life-changing adjustment. It requires understanding and the realisation from others that this journey will take many twists and turns, any movement may not always be within a timely fashion. Within self-blame, they will inevitably need to encounter many emotions, before that child abuse recovering adult, feels that they have the courage within to make that life-changing step. Ridding themself from self-blame, as they begin that arduous journey of putting themselves back together, to enable and recognise that stranger to their past self-perception.

It’s so very difficult to see past this obstacle of self-blame that was so very difficult to digest as children, and an abuse recovering adult survivor will still see through the eyes of that child because that’s where the pain resides. In what others may see as metaphorically merely just a touch of the button, to enable that survivor to relinquish that self-blame? If only it were so easy. To be told by another for so many years that they were completely accountable, the weight within the struggle of emotions for that survivor it’s truly felt, even on reaching a point within self-acceptance. In truth, any movement required towards taking that step and leaving self-blame behind and to look towards self-realisation will never be felt through another. The scales required to balance out that in which a child abuse survivor needs, will always ultimately need to be placed on those scales of life by themselves, all that we can ever really do is to offer to stand by their side and act as a counterbalance to the best of our ability.

Self-realisation is only a step away from self-acceptance and it’s just a matter of time before they take it……..


Nature never fails to surround us if we only take the time to look at its beauty, at times, it can leave us breathless. But what is often overlooked is it’s healing property. Within the physical world, we are met by such things as the diversity of the plants, the wild animals living alongside us. The majestic stance of the mountains, the oceans, reaching out so much farther into the distance than our vision allows. The stars which tap into our imagination as we ponder, is there life out there? As they twinkle within that black canvas, our questions go unanswered. This beauty in which persists despite human intervention and disturbance.

Mother nature is the common personification of that nature, and within it, sits a horde of nurturing aspects, that we can all tap into if we so choose. It allows us to feel held within its energy and to look past the pain that child abuse inflicts. For some, to be within nature is so crucial, when the conventional way of healing just doesn’t work for them. Allowing us to feel it’s freedom within, and providing a place in which to put down that pain, when it’s just too heavy to hold. That feeling of the warmth received whilst within it, a warm blanket which seems to reiterate, that survival is possible against the odds.

Then we have human nature, which identifies our species uniquely, and relates to who we are as beings within our mental gymnastics. Our physical appearance, our spiritual characteristics, and our judgement, which set’s us apart from all other warm-blooded mammal’s. In total, its the primary container which is essentially there to carry that description. Basic human nature can’t be changed from the description above, but essentially, there are many circumstances in which it can be altered, by how we or other’s behave. To understand human nature is to grasp the essence of what being human means, and how its typically understood.

Natural forces will always contribute towards that which is within our world and the way a person or animal behaves. As human beings, we contribute within that nature, whether or not we would like to see ourselves as a separate category. Within nature sexual abuse is never present, it sits squarely within a margin of the human race, and those who divulge in such depravity. In this instance, we are transported towards the inhuman nature of some, and the life-shattering alteration of that nature, that has been imposed upon an innocent.

For an adult child abuse survivor, nature can greatly help reduce such things as depression, it improves psychological well-being and it benefits our cognition. Nature has so much to give if we work within its beauty, it involves positivity, it gives us that feeling of freedom. There is something about nature that is quietly contagious within its majestic view, which in turn aids us within our efforts of calming the mind.

For a child within sexual abuse their surroundings would have always been bleak, the view from their window of life mattered not, seasons would have seemed as if they never altered. It was always raining no matter the weather forecast, the sun would have always seemed to shine elsewhere. The beauty of each flower which adorned their surrounding would have been lost to them, the leaves from the trees would have always seemed as if falling year-round. The clouds above them would have always been dark and brimmed with gloom, the riverbank would have always been tousled within that storm and continually breaching its bank.

Life itself could be nothing other than stormy, with the wind without fail ripping its way throughout their agonising life’s journey. There would have been no shelter from that storm and its nature, which held something far less than beauty. A child abuse recovering adult will hold a very different insight into nature, their insight would have been that of inhuman nature, which still resides within that dark and desperate place. Inhuman nature, placed there so extensively, and the nature in which they found themselves subjected to.

It was that internal nature that would have seemed as always constant, their lives entwined within a tornado of huge magnification, which only seemed to increase in ferocity daily. It was the only nature in which had consumed their life, and what was happening externally? Well, that would have been a view that was lost to them. Inhuman nature it would seem for many has an awful lot to answer for, and if believed, there should be a special place in hell just waiting for their abuser’s arrival.

For a child abuse recovering adult that inhuman nature will still sit within, no matter how much I play with the word nature, and its interpretation. It’s difficult to find your way back whilst lost within a troubling nature when you have no clue as to where it will end, and when the forecast is interchangeable. But there is a need for us to remember here, for every one of those adult abused survivors there truly is a way back. A way back to that nature of a different kind and the beauty of their surroundings. But to do so freely, they first have to find their way back from the inhuman nature that they were subjected to as children.

How can you appreciate the wonders around you when your eyes have never been open? when you’re locked in a place without joy? When your mind is so full of pain, and every day is just another to try and live through? In all truth, adult abuse survivors can never fully leave behind the wreckage in which dominated their life, they can only endeavour to find a way in which to live with it, which is all-consuming. In every direction in which they turn they are pulled back within the storm, which is so full of agonising memories, sadly, all that nature holds and it’s beauty as yet is going unseen. In time, that appreciation within each season, the wonder that each one brings will be recognised. Yes, the storm may well arrive, but it’s knowing when it will pass which is so important.

In time, they will all find a way to walk towards the sun, a way to watch the leaves falling from the trees, as they are playfully tossed and dance within the wind. Be able to gaze at the mountains in awe and to appreciate the distant horizon. To sit and absorb the ocean, so extremely vast, as the surf crashes against the shore. As the sun sets within its array of variance before them, they will, at last, find their inner peace. These transitions on arrival will occur within their mind’s eye as never before being experienced, simply put, until they can escape from that storm inside within recognition, sadly, their eyes will metaphorically remain closed. Until that time, nothing which is external will feel remotely possible for them to alter.

To appreciate nature is not always a glance out of the window, or a walk in the park when your view never alters deep inside. When your soul is gripped from within by inhuman nature, it’s extremely difficult, to value nature within any narrative. Until they can find the strength to no longer accept that inhuman nature’s legacy, and to fight back against their abuse, that inhuman choice and direction will always be made for them. To be within that storm and the ravage it creates is indescribable, but there is a way to finally walk towards the sun if you don’t mind your head getting wet in the process. In truth, the most difficult part is in the search for the umbrella, and to apply the strength in which to open it for the first time. Being sexually abused as children and now finding themselves in adult recovery is a scary prospect.

For the many onlookers of this world they can seem as if broken, that somehow, a way must be found in which to fix them, but that assemblage they will need to arrange alone. We can offer the tools in which to help with its construction, but the strength in which to use them will always lie deep within that present fragile soul. A soul that is fragmented and pulverised to such a degree, that finding all the pieces lost within the storm will take time to achieve. It’s somewhat difficult, to understand the struggle that takes place within the mind of a child abuse survivor. It’s a place in which they alone can only ever completely preside, no matter our good intentions. It’s the place where the nature of another still remains hidden within the shadows, and in truth, it’s a worrying trend. But a day will come where their view of nature in all aspects of it will be their own, to be free within the understanding of the inhuman act that was placed upon them with clear vision.

Nature should always be natural, and there is nothing remotely natural, within the abuse of children……

Looking into the mirror

This is something that we do every morning without thinking, we brush our hair, we adjust our clothing, we question ourselves as to how we look? So you would be right in thinking that this daily ritual should not need much thought because we are on automatic pilot. But for some, that could never be further away from the truth. We all stand in front of the mirror and judge ourselves it’s human nature. There are mornings when the image looking back at us clearly shows that maybe last nights one more drink was a mistake. We know that we will suffer from the after-effects of the alcohol and that very late night throughout the day, as we stare back at our reflection it leaves us with little doubt. We all find fault within our image and there is always something that we would like to change if only that were possible. Seemingly that the image we see reflected at us can be so very different as to how others perceive us, we see it differently because self-recognition is not always clear. In truth, we are our greatest critic.

Fear of the mirror is generally known as catoptrophobia it’s an all-consuming fear of reflection and at it’s worst can even cause the arrive of an apparition, and that image can alter with every glance. Written within those books of infinite knowledge they state that it’s an abnormal and persistent fear, which creates such extreme anxiety that those effected become completely terrified. This phobia can so often be caused by a life-changing traumatic event, and child abuse to my mind sits at the top of that list. The trauma created within child abuse is eminence and on a scale that in all truth is unimaginable, and that mirror for some seems to reflect with such gravity the abuse that still resides within. We can’t try to make any sense of the whys or wherefores because it can never be explained, quite simply it’s unexplainable, even to myself after many years on my journey. It still sits within me and it’s true to say that we crossed swords for so many years. It’s still recognised within and somewhat war-weary, but today, fortunately, we have been able to somewhat call a truce, but make no mistake the mirror is a formidable opponent.

So if looking into that mirror creates such unmanageable fear then clearly in all sense it needs to be avoided at all cost, right?

When you’re reminded repeatedly that the abuse you were receiving as a child was a punishment, well, mud sticks, even if you have no idea of the wrong deed. You are a bad seed, this was self-induced, quite simply, you are the devil’s spawn. How can that image when reflected towards an abuse survivor not be seen as bad or evil? So many adult child abuse survivors still believe that they had input, and by doing so they create within this dark image which is viewed with such revulsion. When your image is feared there is nowhere to run.

Negative thoughts within our self or others are stored in the brain by the amygdala, we each have one on either side of our brain. Among other things they are responsible for the brains flight or fight stressors, it’s where our survival instinct resides. When that stressor is induced calling for either flight or fight from the one thing you can’t leave behind i.e. your image, where can you go?

The image seen and reflected creates such bitterness, life becomes somewhat purposeless, and the pain felt towards their abuse is further prolonged. Their reflection towards them becomes somewhat contorted, well, that’s if they can stand there long enough in which to look. Within those feelings of disgust and revolution towards the abuse they rightly feel somewhat stuck, they come to believe, that no matter how they try, they will never be able to outrun the mirror. Rooms are walked within the avoidance of those mirrors and shrouds are placed either physically or mentally at all times upon that mirror. A reflection within a shop window can create that feeling of revulsion and disapproval, Why? The answer is very simple, somehow, they still believe that in which is so very wrong that within that reflection the devil still resides.

Changing rooms within department stores are surrounded by mirrors and the thought of using one is terrifying, to enhance or expose more than their facial image is a complete no go area. Because surely, everyone around them will then be able to see the abuse that they feel is emitting from every pore. The answer must be to take it home to begin the ritual of correct sizing in a mirror-less room of their choosing, even if that means returning the item tomorrow it’s the only way in which to avoid that mirror.

The camera has to be avoided at all cost because the fear of being looked at and that image recorded by others is unthinkable, that image will be scrutinized and the devil within will surely be recognised. They just can’t let that happen so they avoid any situation of being asked to smile for the camera. At times even the sight of that camera is enough to bring on a cold sweat, and so begins the mental arithmetic of scanning the room to avoid. The mental exertion needed within that avoidance leaves them feeling completely exhausted, sadly, it may take many years in which to be able to address this issue fully.

Body image and that mirror can be a real concern for an adult child abuse survivor, simply because, their body and its function as children was so completely messed up. They grew up with the feeling that their body is somehow dirty, a stain, that no matter how they try, it can never be washed away. Undressing in front of a loved one can also be feared, intimacy is only ever conducted when the lights are firmly in the off position. The thought of mirrored wardrobes within the bedroom would insight sheer panic, they would never feel comfortable with their installation. That reflection which is seen by them alone has been judged internally and it has to stay hidden, even from the ones that they love, which can be so very difficult for a loved one to understand.

It’s not difficult to understand why this poor body image and terrifying reflection will never be considered a friend. When a singular thought seems to grip their very soul, that no matter what their body is tarnished. Coupled with the overwhelming emotion that was wrongly placed within, that secret, that is a huge and cruel burden for any child to carry. Child abuse of an innocent can never be altered only survived, what was taken can never be given back, those memories deep within are there to stay. On becoming a child abuse surviving adult, well, they must feel that their life is beyond shattered. But if we are ever to believe that our soul still resides within, then we need to remember that the soul is imageless. But that’s a huge leap of faith and a mountain in which to climb whilst seemingly blindfolded.

For another to take an innocent and place them within such self-hate is beyond any words it would seem at this moment I possess, many can be used, but there are none possible, that can adequately describe child abuse. All children come into this world with little more than blind faith that they will be cared for, a recognition, which was founded within the womb whilst being carried throughout those nine months. How could they know just what awaits them? So many children suffer within child abuse and the actual figure is astounding, which then leaves them as adult survivors in the fight of their life. When you have an intense dislike of one’s self it’s so very difficult to feel that you can succeed in winning that fight and to be able to trust that others won’t judge you in your efforts.

Their worth has been so tragically diminished, it’s so very difficult to stay focused, as they walk towards the future on a new path of trust. The truth has left them so far behind that self-questioning is inevitable, and that first movement upon the road to recovery will take time to achieve. Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good for an adult child abuse survivor, it’s in finding the self-appreciation of any movement made however small. In truth, the more they learn to love that reflection in that mirror, the less of that self-hate they will inevitably tolerate. With that comes self-recognition, that nothing was given, it was always taken. They can never be anything other than themselves, and so it’s by trial and error that they learn to gingerly cradle their soul. By recognising who they are and not how they were made, will bring that understanding of the truth, finally, it will be seen. It was never their mistakes choices or bad deeds, it was the invasion of a new soul that did not have the resources in which to fight back.

Self-love is the foundation of everything and every one of us has access if only we dared to look…….


Acceptance is the action of receiving or undertaking something which is offered without the need for judgement, it’s the process of fact or receiving something as adequate valid or suitable. It’s a management process and a series of steps that need to be taken, to remove the need for alteration when the alteration is not required or possible. It’s the opposite of non-acceptance and it allows us to see and accept the reality of our own emotions or the emotions of another. Acceptance removes our frustrations when the world around us doesn’t quite seem to meet our expectations. Acceptance is to recognise another way of being without bending our purpose or beliefs, as we should also not try to bend the belief of another. Without compromising just who we are and neither should we expect that from another don’t we each walk our path?

The essential element of a valid acceptance can only ever be unconditional and absolute without conditions, we have to alter our thinking with regards to situations as being good or bad because they simply are. We need to see them as such if we are ever going to be clear within the management of our thought process. Acceptance of yourself or others doesn’t imply that you are either weak or giving up without any achievement. Acceptance whether we connect with it within our spoken words or our actions will never be effective until it is communicated from within and heartfelt. Acceptance removes that negative clouded emotion of needing to feel that we are right or another is wrong never bending with the wind, that emotion has no place within acceptance and it will never allow forward movement.

The description I have given above is the acceptance which relates between the interaction of two people, but there is a much larger implication within that description when we have to accept the past the present and we still fear the future.

For a child abuse recovering adult acceptance was something that they had to practise often as children, they had little choice other than to do so if abuse came visiting daily. I’m sure that if we were to pick at this word others may resonate far more with another but the wording matters not. When that child is within a place where there is nowhere to go and if they could do so there would be no one who would take them what else was there? Acceptance was the only thing left indeed at that time anything would have been better than nothing. Every adult child abuse survivor given time can find that place of deep tranquillity within, where acceptance is achieved, even within the depravity of the past where they were immorally condemned within its torture. Not an easy task for sure and that should never be said lightly, but the strength required in which to do so is already proven in their survival.

Acceptance from within will never mean accepting outwardly that an abuser had a rite of passage in which to abuse, in truth, it no longer concerns that abuser in the here and now it’s about finding that peace within. Acceptance will never mean that the past can be altered, unfortunately, that is here to stay. But at least within acceptance, it enables the ability to regain that long lost command of the past and its effect upon them in adulthood. Quite simply, by addressing that emotion they are no longer allowing that said abuse to have a permanent hold upon their future. Acceptance of the past makes it possible to begin to extinguish that burning pain within, but make no mistake, that is so very far removed from the acceptance of abuse or the absolution of those who choose to abuse.

Acceptance will never be reached until a place is found where self-blame no longer exists and we truly understand that emotion is misplaced. Until we let go of anger hatred sadness and guilt, not to forget the misplaced shame, abuse still holds on to the future. Whilst holding on to that relentless self-questioning of why me? and the ensemble of questions in the queue just waiting at the rear, we are forever stuck because these questions can never be answered. Unfortunately, we can never make those questions magically disappear, but what is possible is the removal of the urgent need to look for the answers where quite simple there aren’t any. Even if that were possible the questioning would become elongated and without peace.

But what is possible is to find a place whereon revisiting the abuse it will be within acceptance and where those all-consuming questions will no longer dominate above all else. Within that acceptance, regardless of the painful abusive past, they will find a place where there is a choice and they decide just what happens next. Choices are not always of our own making and for sure every choice with regards to the past was never their own. Emotional acceptance is thus a far better strategy than avoidance or holding on to those painful memories within non-acceptance. Within the ability to accept those horrendous experiences of child abuse, there comes a time of acknowledgement and power that’s absolute.

Child abuse survivors could never hope to reach a place within acceptance where they can forget their abuse, but neither should acceptance if found be seen as forgiveness, they have just reached the point of holding. Acceptance doesn’t mean that the abuse is minimised or the significance of the scar placed within is no longer felt. But resistance towards acceptance will forever leave us within non-acceptance, which will never bring light because by its very nature it’s a dark place to be within. When acceptance is approached with openness and fluidity and without expectation, we can stand in awe at the power of that movement. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we agree, and overly more, acceptance doesn’t mean that something is either right or wrong. It’s the realisation that we can’t change that in which is behind us and the recognition that life is still out there in front of us. No matter the past, when we accept and decide to live that life it’s a huge change of direction. They say that what we can’t accept we have to endure, well, it’s long past time to endure any further.

Acceptance may not always be what we think it is and it may just change a life……


All of us encounter dreams nightly whether we remember them or not. They normally occur during rem sleep where the body is completely relaxed almost to the point of parallelisation of the muscles. Its where the mind is at its most active without our control and we have entered our subconscious. There are so they theories debated as to the effect that our dreams have upon us, but what can’t be argued is that they occur so why do some people remember their dreams whilst others don’t? It’s said by scientists that people who tend to remember their dreams also respond more strongly to their emotions during the day. That not everyone recalls the mental escapade on waking it is also believed that emotional dreams are far longer more intense and easier to remember.

If a dream has a psychological trigger there is so much more for us to consider. A trigger is something that sets off a memory or a flashback, transporting that person back to an event of his or her trauma. They are always extremely personal and completely individual, and the intensity of it is felt and relived just as strongly as when the trauma occurred. This trigger creates a multitude of things such as sleep deprivation and an all-consuming fear that even the thought of sleeping can invoke a cold sweat. I could never adequately convey here the intense distress that can accompany child abuse survivors each night when ascending those stairs.

When we consider all of the above we are now connected with that in which every child abuse survivor can and may need to encounter nightly.

Before I continue I’d like to share here that all of the above for me is still experienced even though I am now standing within a place of recovery. As with all of us I had to complete my journey and the experiences that came with it. Its the one thing that has always alluded me so it seems that it’s not so easy to gain any control over my subconscious. The word itself speaks volume and is so closely linked with the word suppression. I am still required to descend into that world of revisiting my past trauma often.

The difference now is that on the other side of recovery I can deal with those nightmares in a way I never could before. I am now able to untangle the web of those painful emotions and torment that were weaved within the dead of night. In all truth, whilst writing this piece I recognise every syllable written from my book of life. It seems that I am to be grouped within those of remembrance and my dreams are almost always within recall even if not completely.

For a survivor, dreaming will never be something that they would like to enter into mindfully when they are armed with the knowledge of being swallowed up within that darkness. They are never quite sure what the night will bring as they lay in their bed full of apprehension. They can spend hours just trying to avoid what others may call peaceful sleep because they know far too well that for them that is never a guarantee. To be within the darkness trying so hard not to close your eyes with the fear of knowing only seems to feed the trauma. They are taken to a place of visitation even before they enter their subconscious which sits there just lying in wait. They are so aware that any control they may now have at that moment will soon be overtaken by the terrifying journey throughout the night.

To understand the affliction of the night for a child abuse surviving adult can never be fully understood without the experience, there is no control over those painful emotions and reminders. As they rush towards the past and out of the present just as if the abuse had never ended, with every remembered touch they feel the crawl of their abuser’s hand across their body. They are consumed within a cold sweat unable to awaken on this roller-coaster of trepidation. Each turn or movement they make seems to be towards their abuser and not in the opposite direction. Any understanding escapes them, any effort to take back control alludes them, they are onboard a ride that can only be explained as a runaway train with no way in which to stop it.

Not to forget the night terrors they are in a completely different league than any nightmare experienced, they are the big guns and there impact is formidable. They can awaken you abruptly from a deep sleep which is thought of as non-dream sleep. They usually occur in the early part of the night and they can be encountered several times, they are a prologue before entering dream sleep otherwise known as rem sleep. If we think about that statement by the time rem sleep arrives that child abused recovering adult can rightly feel that any resistance is futile. Of course, this judgment is always taken during the darkest of hours which can be without remembrance or choice.

If they remember on awaking the effect upon them is absolute, as they set about trying to distance themselves from the night and embark on the day in front of them. The anguish they feel burns within that remembrance and it is so overwhelming it can induce sheer panic. They are never refreshed within this place of disturbed sleep and the exhaustion only increases the situation. For them, they are engaged in a struggle within as to how they had even survived to see the morning. Living life this way and not being able to see an end in sight is beyond comprehension. There is a great need for trust to be found from an external source until they can stand alone. But trust is more than difficult especially so if the abuse took place within that in which they called home. They feel as if there was never anyone within that home that they were ever able to trust in which should have been their haven.

Nightmares and night terrors leave them powerless and out of control in a fight for their existence, and it will only ever be reconciled when they can confront that real-life residue without the painful confrontation. But just how do you confront the night when the night is a place that is so completely feared? Abuse leaves without explanation and there will never be any found by an abuse survivor, simply because there is no explanation for abuse just devastation. The world of dreams will forever be a fork in the road for a child abused recovering adult, with no forward knowledge of which road to take, when they are no longer able to stop their eyes from closing. Given time, it’s possible for every child abused recovering adult to find that place in which I now occupy, where it’s possible to rearrange those nightmarish dreams so that they will no longer continue to occupy the wakeful hours.

Recovering adult abuse survivors may never fully find a place of complete release from the abuse or be able to find complete control, but control is always relative when control has never been within their grasp before. If a way can be found to move forward even if the progress may seem slow, in time they will find that courage to enable them to face each morning with hope. Once achieved the impact is immense and in doing so the difference it makes to that life I would find myself struggling to express. It will feel like finally finding wings when life has always been flightless. Being able to take back any control is a huge achievement and to have input where there was none is life-altering.

For me, the journey I embarked on now allows me to be a small part of that alteration, as I connect with other child abuse survivors throughout the use of countless avenues. On seeing that strength when it begins to emerge from within that adult child abuse survivor it never fails to leave me with my remembrance, which in turn then becomes an exchange and one that they may not even be aware that they are making.

If we each give that of which we are able together we can give everything……..


When we think about the word imprisonment we naturally feel it represents incarceration, but that is not the only way that we can be within a space of imprisonment. A place where we are still held within its walls that are completely invisible to an onlooker. I’m talking here about a place where there will never be a daring break out staged, where there is no parole or any early release for good behaviour. A place where there was never any crime committed by that individual, but still it seems, it was their fate as abused children which holds them within that imprisonment for a lifetime.

An adult child abuse survivor knows that place well because it’s within them and to remove themselves from that incarceration will take time. They will need to endure the pain that can’t help but accompany them on their journey on that road to recovery, and so the question is asked, is it not far less painful to stay within that imposed Imprisonment? It’s so very difficult to break down the walls surrounding them and it may take many attempts. They are fully aware more than anyone just what they will need to encounter once that breakout is attempted. It will never really matter in totality others offering the sledgehammer in which to do so, they are the only ones able to take that deep breath within and take that swing.

The one thing that we know with complete certainty is that each one of them has lived within the horrors of sexual child abuse. It’s an impossible task for us to sit within another’s child abuse experience, in all truth, our involvement should be in guidance alone simply because we aren’t able to take this journey to its conclusion. On this, they stand alone.

So let’s just think about the tormented mass of abuse within that has always dominated their memory, the walls have been built so high they will seem impossible for them to climb. But what we need to remember here those walls were constructed by themselves to contain the past, and many years have passed for them to do so. The child abuse they suffered was inserted into the mind of that trusting innocent child by another, and the walls were a necessity to live life in any way that felt normal. So breaking them down? Well, we can see that there would be more than a little resistance. It would seem preferable to them not to disturb those walls and why wouldn’t it?

To be imprisoned from within there is just no escape just how you can you run from yourself? To be able to look towards the result of controlling the memory of their abuse and its effect? The walls at this moment in time for them they feel are still standing fast, even if with great difficulty and their input daily for it to be contained. But at least they are there they feel familiar and the work required to contain their abuse has become part of their life. Why invite that in which could proportionately undo that which took them so long to build? During the daylight hours, it’s somewhat achievable to hide behind these walls. But during the feared darkness of the night within those twilight hours, it’s a very different story. The abuse takes over within their subconscious and it becomes a place where all control is lost, its where the fight is always lost to them regardless. To be imprisoned within is unparalleled and surrender during the darkness of the night seems to be the only thing possible.

Here we find a space where nothing seems as if it fits overlapping with confusion and still there is no escape. The night sweats and the terror of thrashing around without any feeling of movement and always accompanied with the inability to awaken, its where they relive the pain of each abusive touch but somehow as if they are paralysed. Asking for it to stop becomes an endless loop within an echo in the distance as if it was being asked by another, the words ricocheting from wall to wall as every request returns to them unanswered and hollow. Incarceration, when measured against this torture, will seem like a preferred option. There is no mandatory time away from that cell or the giving of access to the exercise yard where they can at least feel the suns ray on their back. There is nothing remotely resembling my words above within the mind of an adult recovering from child abuse. It’s always dark whilst within the sun has no access their freedom just doesn’t exist

There is never any code of conduct that has to be followed by those implementing their incarceration, if it were ever so they would think that they have somehow entered fairyland. For an adult child abuse survivor, everything they encounter will be far less accommodating, there were no written rules their abuser had a free hand to tear their lives apart at will.

To live life within that dark imprisonment was never as a result of their actions and to experience this isolation is devastating. To look for that key enabling them any access to see the way out is achievable but for them its a huge undertaking. So do they take a sledgehammer to those walls? or stay within the maximum-security within and that cell eagerly waiting for their return. Somehow as if it was aware that leaving the cell behind them had never been a possibility.

Their liberty was taken without any wrongful deed and for that, there can never be any justification…….

Memories good or bad

Our memories bring us to pleasure fond remembrance and joy to state but a few, but on the other side of life, they can bring us to pain a feeling of desertion and deep isolation. Either way, neither will ever be able to aid us with the gift to predict the future and as for the past? Well, that can never be altered because it’s somewhat set in stone. The past is set to stay with us as we journey through life, and we can only ever make the best of that situation in which we are able. This journey is one that all of us need to make because within the acceptance of life it needs to be lived. So we endeavour to take the bad along with the good, as we continue to experience, the ride on the roller coaster called life. If we are lucky the good will always outweigh the bad, which in turn, gives us the strength when required to shoulder the bad as and when it arrives.

But what if we were to turn that statement on its head where the bad has always outweighed the good? What if finding any good has never seemed possible? Well, we are then destined to travel a completely different journey, on the roller coaster into hell. Where the downs are always present and the ups seem to be impossible to reach. They just don’t seem to have any influence or contribute at all within that ride into the dark side of life.

For a child abuse recovering adult, the paragraph I’ve written above is no great mystery. In fact, all that I have achieved whilst writing that paragraph was to randomly tear a page from within their book of life. So let’s stay with that analogy and I will endeavour to use it to emphasise my meaning.

If we were to think of life as being much like a book, we pick it up at birth where every book begins on that first page beneath its front cover. Then there is the intrigue of what may lay within each chapter which sits between both covers. Its where we really don’t know where we will be taken as we plough our way through the pages towards its conclusion, At times, we may have already somewhat guessed its ending, but that doesn’t deter us from continually turning to the next page with enthusiasm. On reaching its conclusion we reflect upon its content and mull over the story and any effect it may have left upon us.

Even if it was so very far-fetched and off the scale we still accept that it was only trying to reach within our imagination. If it was distasteful within its content, well, then we could have easily chosen to put it down. If it was a love story then we are washed away within the romance and for most, the girl always gets her guy, or clearly, she was not destined to be with him. There was no one standing above influencing our choice of whether to read on or not to do so, as we choose to pick it up or put it down at our leisure. Whatever the above triggers within you they are still very much scenarios of choice by their very nature they can be no other.

But if we were to pick up the book of life of a child abuse recovering adult none of the above relates. There is no beginning that they remember, there are no chapters that they can recall within totally recall, in truth, it’s just far too muddled. Most certainly there has never been an end in sight even if the book’s author has now departed. Indeed there is no conclusion that can be made on this now unfinished unedited manuscript. If we were able to pick up each and every one of the books I’ve described above tear them into tiny pieces, before once rearranging them without care. They would still make more sense combined that way than the book of life for a child within abuse. They were given no other choice other than to read on whilst holding on to their emerging book of life alone terrified confused and controlled.

The front and the back covers, well, they were always open on demand with a force that unless you have experienced child abuse is impossible to understand. There was never any second guessing its ending because there was no end to be seen, at times, they can’t even remember its arrival it just seems as if it has always been there. Controlled by discipline and by exterior elements, and the content of the continuing chapters was always written in another’s hand. There was no foreword page outlining the story and their abuser as sure as hell did not want any recognition for their work. Or ever contemplate another’s contribution to the book of life they were heinously destroying. That abused child would have been the only one to ever glimpse within its open pages, although completely, without the art of understanding or being able to read from the devil’s pen.

In all truth, our memories are the foundation for the book of life that will form from within us as we grow, it just hasn’t as yet reached its end until the end comes to us all naturally. We could say that on birth all of our pages are just blank just waiting for the input of life where we start to accrue our memories. As they arrive they are mentally jotted down within our memory because we are a manuscript in progress. The content within the chapters has many years in which to formulate our story and its unavoidable that the end will at some point arrive.

But for a child abuse recovering adult, those chapters between the covers from beginning to end will have no distinction, they are all within the same unaltered and extended manuscript. Scrambled, confused with no access to the oncoming yet unwritten pages. As they rapidly and continually turn over each day without any real sense to be made, without compassion and without any aid from any direction. Their book of life experience could never be put aside or discarded there was never any finality, even if many years may have now past them by.

As I have stated above the past can never be rewritten, but let us hope beyond hope, that in time they can at least begin to edit those already written pages within. Enabling them the ability to at last pick up that tarnished book unaided, and start to rewrite their future within recovery for the first time in their life. Choices that was never theirs before are now in full view and on there arrival it will take some getting used to. In its entirety choices will need to be made, and oddly for the first time, they may feel that they are completely alone. That is quite easy to understand when abuse has always been an integral part of who they were, they now have the real challenge of acceptance of the past which will never mean to forget. They will need to really look inside to find the answer to so many of their questions but at least they now have some idea of just where to look.

Change brings with it so many obstacles in which to encounter and the view from their standpoint can all on its own can bring chaos, it’s not surprising because the work required at times will be extremely painful. Getting to know who they really are is an odious task when the trauma of abuse is unearthed and encountered, in a way in which they have never needed to hold their abuse before. When face to face with that abuse the image can be less than pretty but now at least it’s honest. Looking in the mirror for all of us is not always pretty.

For a child abuse recovering adult, the image they are faced with is something that they have never seen, and for it to be overcome it will always take immense strength of their character and without the act of self-judgement. Honesty at times for all of us is not always favourable but to ourselves, we can never lie. For a child abuse recovering adult honesty has never been theirs so just how can they judge? The answer for that now recovering adult is within time and practise. For that child who is within every one of them embroiled within so much pain and deceit, have they not yet earned that privilege? The answer to that question should be on the tip of your tongue without the need of adding my own.

There is a book inside of us all just waiting to be written and each and every one of them are more than able……


I don’t normally add or share more here other than where each of my pieces take me whilst writing. But I shall do so today. I was requested to be a guest last night on live radio as the expected guest was unwell. In this situation you are never armed with any answers to the questions, neither do you know the questions you may be presented with its a case of holding on to your seat.

A lady caller rang into the show to ask me how she could outrun her past abuse and be able to feel as being whole and good, she continued, trying to outrun her abusive past was just too difficult for her and she would never be able to find any acceptance.

That question really wasn’t very long but sometimes they hit a nerve and this time was one of them. I took a moment to digest her words because they really touched me. My reply could only ever be given from my own child abuse experience, whilst moving into the position of a recovering adult myself. The answer may seem to be a simple one but on reflection, it felt huge and so extremely personal. I had to re-enter that place within me and seek an honest answer and when it came it was met by silence but hopefully it was still heard.

Today, it’s so very clear to me, that I was never able to outrun my abuse, I was always trying to outrun myself which is an impossible task, I can only hope, that by sharing a part of me the light had been shone upon her but I’ll never really know…….