Battle of realignment

Well let’s start by saying that we are about to enter into a conflict that we have never experienced when we approach this subject and it will create a gigantic open wound that could compare to the effects of surviving an atom bomb, on entering that place we need to be completely sure that it is approached with our minds being completely open and prepared and lying to ourselves will have no place there. This can be with the support of someone highly skilled in this matter because when that bomb goes off we can become completely overwhelmed. But it’s important to realise that the most qualified person to approach this situation is without any doubt us why? No one else knows our inner child more than ourselves. Yes we should take direction from those that offer it but ultimately the resounding decision to embark on this transition is ours no one else can make this choice for us, we alone can settle and hold our outer being before we enter that place ultimately it’s up to us to find that confidence which happens when we are within a space that we feel we have some control of there may be many retreats to regroup but that’s OK. It’s a completely different matter dealing with our daily abuse knowledge we recognise it because we are used to holding ourselves at that moment but when we reach back into that dark remembered hidden place it’s a completely different situation. Make no mistake we will need to be the one with the ability to enter and release ourselves at that moment in time when we are on the outside looking within. It has to be our choice to delve into a war of remembrance and to deal with the after-effects of the explosion after the desolation and still have the strength to stay there. We will find so many pieces of the life we have lived until now along with that which we chose not to remember as a child all around us and we will have no choice but to pick it up, our child is carrying so much hurt and pain that they can’t help but drop because they are already holding more than they are able to so we have to be strong enough to deal with both sets of emotions. When we enter this place during our realignment we will have no other choice but to lighten their load, after all, they have been holding it for us and from us for so many years embracing our emotions without choice, we have until now existed separately but we will never win this battle without standing face to face on that front line both looking and hoping for a cease-fire and a real understanding of what the other has endured.

Walking back in time in our minds and embracing our pain is for us an extremely brave move which is worthy of any medal being pinned on our chest, and it takes a huge amount of strength and determination to enter that place without any military training whatsoever. During this time its effects will be felt on every level as we try to untangle all those years of suppression and separation to look squarely into the face of that other part of us we will both be in the trenches edging our heads out of the rabbit hole and trying desperately not to get shot in the process. There will be plenty of skirmishes and we will not escape without taking a few bullets but the only other option would be not to try and we are not able to be a conscientious objector if we are ever to be in with a chance of emerging victorious and complete. In essence, our separated souls need to come together and I know that’s an odd thing to say but until this point, that’s just how it is, and I don’t have any greater explanation nor am I able to give a deeper insight just the knowledge of the journey I have made. Within my journey, I had to blend completely with my inner child and take most of the weight upon my shoulders because the other is a child and that’s what grownups do right? Well yes, but at that time I felt so completely vulnerable when I first met my child face to face and maybe that was how it was supposed to be, how could she rise to my level of being I had never let her I’d placed those emotions and memories there so very long ago because I was myself at that time an abused terrified child and I just couldn’t hold on to them. I had created this separation as that child I had to do so if I were ever able just to be and stay within this world and I’m sure that it’s the same for everyone, we had to survive so the deeper we pushed these experiences the better, in essence, we chose to close off that part of our brain.
Being inside of our own head can be so very difficult even in the here and now so trying to deal with our memories in totality is a huge ask but it’s a direction and journey that only we can take, we have to go back there and start to make a dent in the task before us and no longer practice total avoidance why? Until we do peace will avoid us for a lifetime. I guess it’s a little like requesting that we meet in no man’s land where we are both in a place that’s completely neutral. Whilst there we will, unfortunately, need to be reacquainted with those disturbing memories and relive the pain of their reality, those things that we had placed within on this unknown battlefield but if we can find our way to this neutral ground before the first shots are fired that in its self is a victory. No one wants to go to war why would they? But some battles can only be won by engaging and it’s a fight that we alone have the insight to be able to have any chance of conducting the strategy required for that much-needed truce.

If we take the time to prepare ourselves for whatever situation we may find ourselves in then the battle is already half won and we enter into the battle on our own terms and not dragged along kicking and screaming, it’s so important that we don’t feel pushed or pulled in any direction by our opponent-our child or those around us and that we are on solid ground in which we are able to stand firm. Our opponent in truth is our child and you may ask why I would refer to this union as war? Well, we are at war because our child is too afraid to let go of what they are carrying because if they do how do they exist? They believe that we’re not capable of holding any part of it we could never do so before to prove a point and what is this becoming one? The only way we will ever completely create this union is if we convince our inner child that it can be different because they don’t want to give up the fight even though they are buckling under it from the sheer weight. Their fight is to stay buried undisturbed within that dark place because no man’s land is to completely barren open and unsafe so they are staying put. The war is between them holding on and afraid of trying anything other and we trying to achieve and take hold of that which we know is needed to achieve that merge towards recovery. All wars aren’t obvious to those around us or visible to another because life for an abused child-recovering adult it can never be that way, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less of a war and one of the hardest battles we will encounter in our lifetime. There comes a time where we have to bring that child into our world and the present we can’t forever keep them in that world of pain its way past time that they joined us in the now, in truth the war that we don’t think we can win is the only one worth fighting for and so very fruitful changing our memoirs of the future.

It’s our job it has to be to take that child to a place where they feel safe for them to trust that we will stand there with them behind that wall of smoke after the explosion of that joining, and yes we may disturb the battle ruins further creating a larger cloud of smoke which leaves us both at that time without clear vision. But the smoke will clear if we stand there long enough in a united front holding each other and sharing these experiences for the first time in our lives, it’s a little odd and we will make mistakes because we all do but once we achieve this union we will never be alone again its different now we have two sets of hands, and the other will assuredly pick up that which we may drop on this journey for the first time in our lives we have backup that we can trust and we are as one. Throughout my journey and to that place of peace I was left with the knowledge that whoever had helped me along this road towards recovery in the past the only one that really mattered was deep inside of me.

I know that in time we can all face that inevitable battle of realignment why? This is so very far from being our first skirmish…………………

Out of body experience or journey into the hell of my sub-consciousness? Take 2

This is the second time of posting this piece I first posted it in January of 2015. I was asked to forward it to an organisation to add to their itinerary but it seems that the experience that night continues to baffle me, on looking for it within my website it was nowhere to be found! Luckily I had saved it on a memory stick so all was not lost. But it seems that the plot thickens within that incompletely insane journey that I took and I still can’t untangle what happened although my mind continues to make reference to it often……..

I sit here today in front of my computer with no understanding of the place that I visited six nights ago. If I’m honest as yet I still can’t find any learning that I have acquired from it. It will it seems take me a while to try to loosing this knot before I even attempt to undo the whole. I will put down here everything within my memory with regards to my journey and its contents. That said it will be as well as I am able at this moment in time. My conclusion that I hope to arrive at is one I am still struggling to acquire, but I am hoping it’s a work in progress. As always it’s for you to arrive at your own conclusion.

I remember going to bed I was really tired and in a lot of pain which is ever present for me. What happened in between to the point to where I awoke I will depict below.

Where am I? All around me there is the fun of the fun fair the colours are so bright and vivid. Stalls in every direction rides for as far as the eye can see, people milling around happy it seems with all that surrounds them. Roller coasters dipping and diving with their seats filled to the brim. But its silent- all around me, I can see the rides I can see the lips of the people moving as they pass me by-but silence. I find myself standing at the front of a queue waiting to board the roller-coaster as it comes to a complete standstill. I lift my leg to board but the entrance is blocked before me, no matter how hard I try I can’t lift my leg high enough to succeed. People are pushing me from behind it would seem telling me to board but I’m unable. I try to tell them that I can’t hear them but they clearly don’t understand. I can’t move away from the front of the queue my legs just won’t move in that direction. I put out my hand to hold on to the side of the ride but my hand just goes straight through it. I adjust my grip to a different area but nothing around me is solid. Once more I try to lift my leg only to feel a shooting pain as if I had hit my shin; I keep trying leaning forward but I fall and the pain registers as I hit the ground. This situation seemed to continue on for it seemed like hours, me trying to get on the ride and the solid contact with the ground. Until at my last point of trying just as I am about to give up I was allowed to board. I sit down holding on to my leg trying to nurse the pain that I was feeling as the ride shoots away taking me with it.

Around and around we go stopping at different destinations for people to get on and off board. My head is hurting such pressure and pain it feels as if it is about to explode, that noise is confusing me where was it coming from? It wasn’t close enough to identify. But in that real space and time, the silence was deafening. I can’t stay here but it’s as if there are some invisible hands firmly holding me down. I can’t take any more of this feeling of oppression at the next stop I’m getting off. We stop and I make my way to the exit door to leave behind this roller-coaster from hell, but no matter how I try I can’t get off. Everything solid is moving around me swaying from side to side like its reacting to the sound of music that I just can’t hear. Everything I touch just becomes jelly as my hand is engulfed with it. Over and over I try to embark but they keep changing the height of the entrance door I just can’t seem to step high enough. I am once more aware of the people around me exasperated that I am holding them up but I can’t do anything. I try to talk to them once more to explain but it seems that they can’t hear my voice, and they are still mute to me whilst their lips are still visibly moving. I fall the pain registers as I hit the ground I try to get up but I can’t hold on nothings solid. I ask for help but everyone around me continues on as if I am not there. Eventually, I fall through the entrance landing hard hitting my head, and the taste of blood is rancid in my mouth. I hurt all over and I am now shivering with the cold. I look down at myself and all I have on is my nightshirt. I can’t understand why or how I had arrived there like this everyone else around me is fully clothed. Why would I have left home dressed like this?

I get up and look around me suddenly I can see faces in the crowd that I recognise but they pass me by as if I were not there. I then hear the barking of a dog I know that bark it’s my own dog Sparkle. She then appears from around the corner but not alone, as dog after dog just like her run towards me in different stages of growth. I bend to touch her head but my hand passes straight through it. But even as she sits before me I can still hear a barking and whining in the distance. I put my hands on my own head trying to understand what was going on all around me.

I find myself screaming at the top of my voice whilst the ground is moving beneath me, someone else is screaming and the voice is so familiar was it me? Once more I fall jarring myself badly as I hit the floor, but I just lay there in the street as all seem to pass me by. I get up and wander around aimlessly looking for a place that I recognise a doorway back to reality where I could leave this place and return home. It all seems so real or is it’s a dream that I just can’t wake from? I shake my head whilst firmly slapping at my face willing myself out of this nightmare but to no avail. I wander around but nothing seems real, somewhat like a fun house everywhere is just so colourfully and I am drawn to its magnitude. People are laughing clearly in the throes of great fun as I walk among them and I find myself trying to fit in. But I am lost to them as I walk along like the pied piper as the various sizes of Sparkle run alongside of me. Suddenly it occurs to me that I must be dead is this what the hereafter looks like? If that were so then I had to accept my end, but why I was being excluded from the fun going on around me? Why was I being shut into a place of complete silence? I sit down on the ground going into complete shutdown no longer caring anymore where I was or where I was going.

A ride arrives in front of me like an explosion how it arrived I have no clue? Someone is holding the door of the roller-coaster open for me beckoning me towards it. I don’t want to get up because I know with certainty, that even if I tried they would not let me board. I look away in the other direction somehow accepting my fate. As my eye line changes so would the entrance of the roller-coaster, jumping as if by magic each time I turned to look in another direction. Shouted at them I say that I would no longer play their game whilst refusing to move now at all. People are offering me food and drink but when I try to take it they move it further away from me. I reach down to touch my toes and they are like ice in my hand, the kind that your skin sticks to in the deepest depths of winter. Once more when I try to stand I fall it’s as if I were an entity not able to touch anything around me without passing through it. I hurt all over my body and I am now shaking uncontrollably. So did I just sit there accepting that there was no way home? Then suddenly someone or something told me that I had to try just that once more. I stood up and walked towards the door being held open for me and stepped up, something was different they were allowing me to get on was this some kind of trick? I was waiting for the axe to fall with bated breath.

The ride started to move and I sat down on the floor looking around me for something to wrap myself in to try to keep warm. I then saw a blanket but when I tried to pick it up my hand just went straight through it. Someone opposite holds out a coat for me and I reach towards it only for it to disappear. I sit down again and hug my knees against me in complete abandonment- I just did not care anymore. As we arrive at the different stops people board whilst others get off until I’m finally alone. There I sat going around and around on this ride taking in all the dips and dives, by then totally uncaring if we will ever stop. Memories of the life I had lived came flooding into my mind as I recalled all the things that I had done with my life. But far more vivid were the things that were done to me, hell what did any of it matter now anyway? Suddenly the ride was slowing and I had a feeling of recognition creeping into my mind something was familiar. Trying to explain this feeling if I were reach out for the right words, maybe it was somewhat like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Everything around me was happening in slow motion.

Slowly I opened my eyes like I was emerging from a deep sleep to find myself sitting in the middle of my bathtub. As I look around the room the bathroom door was closed which is something I never do, and the bathroom was a wreck. The towel holder had been pulled off the wall and the towels strewn in all directions. All the bottles of bathroom sets that had been out on display had been thrown in every direction. The toilet roll had been completely unrolled across the floor, the bathroom cabinets were open their contents all around the room. I try to stand up but the pain in my back brought me back down again hard into the tub. My lip was hurting and as I reach to touch it with my finger I find a large swelling with the blood still wet around it. It’s at that point my attention is taken to the pain in my legs where I could visibly see the swelling and brushing. I felt as if I were sitting in an icebox unable to make it to my feet to get out of the tub. I crawl on to my knees and reach towards the side pulling myself up into a kneeling position. Slowly I managed to climb over the edge of the tub and on to the floor. I was then aware that it was light and that I had gone to bed at about 10pm the night before. The strangest thing of all is that this was the first night that I had attempted to go to my bed in over a year, because of the pain I live with daily on movement. Along with a few demons and nightmares that still frequent my dreams, which are out of my control or so it seems so why that night? Getting to my feet I open the door to find Sparkle curled up against it and she is so clearly glad to see me. I sit on the top of the stairs trying to make some sense of the journey that I had just made but to no avail. Where had I been and why did I go there? I only know that during that time I had seen the night pass me by and the day arrive within that space of time.

Wow at this point in time I find myself questioning my own sanity? Or am I just not aware of the significance of this profound event?

I am struggling a little here as to how I am able to end this piece because it was a real experience for me, with all the terrors and unexplained happenings throughout. But oddly somewhere deep inside of me, I know that it was a journey that I was destined to take. That in time there is real learning to be found here for me. The whys and where for’s right now I am still trying to unravel in all honesty. But it is what it is and that’s what I have to contend with until that slither of light comes shining through.

That said it’s not a journey that I ever hope to make again……………………..

Addiction Without Choice

Addiction-we are all aware of addiction to the obvious when we hear those words i.e. drink and drugs to include prescribed pharmaceutical, but there are so many others things tied to this word a complete array of issues that are within its complex structure. In truth anything that we can’t seem to do without is as much of an addiction as those that spring to mind easily, when we reach a place of no return for the above there are many organisations or specialists that we can reach out to for help. These can be accessed through a visit to our doctor and his referral it’s recognised and dealt with as a matter of course because there is a direct chain in line all we have to do is go and stand in it.

I’m far from saying that’s an easy route to travel; of course, it’s not but it has a proven linked chain of referral that is moving us towards the day we can kick that habit. But for those that suffer from a placed addiction like abuse, we will find it so much harder to deal with its been there for so long we can’t even remember the day we started using it as such. In all honesty unless we reach a place to be able to let go of our abuse that chain or line will never be accessible to us simply because the start of that line is within us, no matter how many people offer to stand there alongside us even with the offer to carry that chain we will be going nowhere because we are the ones holding on tightly to that anchor at the chains fixed end.

I’m going to move away from the obvious because where child sexual abuse is concerned that chain is broken in so many places that it has becomes a heap of dismembered links, that solder that should be holding it fast together is nowhere near the soldering iron even if you could find it.

OK, so why am listing this subject as an addiction? The fact is that for so many of us who have been sexually abused we hold on to our memories pain and suffering for so long it somehow became part of our DNA a carrier of our genetic information that we make daily reference to. It’s true that were are not born this way but it’s been there for so long it can’t help but to be so although it was placed within without choice. It became part of our fabric and the foundation on which we stand today even if that sounds a little odd? well yes, that’s because it is, but if we were able to look deep inside of ourselves there it sits our addiction within in a place of complete comfort and so very sure that they are a habit that we just cannot kick.

When something has been within us for such a long time we have become used to functioning with it and we don’t really know how we will be without it being there. At the point of trying to come to clean i.e. letting go of and learning that there is a better way; we will also go through the painful effects of withdrawal be in no doubt but in a way that does not apply to the road we would walk for a way out of a drink or drug addiction.

To recover from our abuse addiction we have to let go of everything and that’s not as simple as it sounds because we have built our lives around its structure, we may have even added some extra links to our dismembered chain just for good measure adding to the chaos. We take on a world of abuse that surrounds us which only adds to the weight and the inevitable increase in magnitude to that in which we are already carrying, for some even attaching further pain from past history as if we are the only ones that can put it right. We feel the pain of all those that have suffered behind us with such a vigour that it would be hard to topple although it doesn’t directly affect us, or a battle that was lost so very long ago but still we drag it into our world of pain and it becomes our fight for justness and it becomes so complexly overwhelming.

So if we think about the structure we have constructed throughout our lives when we enter a place of recovery we are in fact having to let go of so many things, even those that we weren’t aware of at the onset as each piece falls away we are losing a piece of ourselves and we can’t help but feel the pain of withdrawal. Why? Because something is being taken from us that for all intensive proposes defines who we are in that moment it’s like pulling bricks out from the supporting wall of a building and hoping that it can hold itself in shape, and it may do so for a while but eventually that building will succumb to the inevitable because the supporting wall is just as it sounds. When we think of withdrawal we think of what’s on the outside that we are putting in but it’s just as painful when pulling out that which shouldn’t be there, because nothing has changed other than the direction of travel i.e. the method of access and exit.

So the heading of this piece can then be seen as letting go of an addiction that was not one of our choosing but that doesn’t make it any easier to give up, I can hear a few voices in my head right now saying how can us or I compare our abuse to the obvious addictions? The answer to that question is letting go of abuse is no less easy than giving up any other addiction-although many may not like the word that I’m using. In truth, the word only means that we can’t see a way forward without whatever it is that is keeping us -us. In essence, it only questions if we can be without that something? For us, that’s something that we can’t answer at the time it may first be requested just how do we know if we can when we are too scared to let it go or be without it? Our addiction is attached to how we know ourselves in that precise moment in time so how do we give up us? When it’s taken us years to build the person that we have become can we really start again and be able to survive that journey? It’s scary and we have become used to our chain links being splintered in every direction we learnt to manage right? You know the honest answer to that question far better than I.

Can we give up that feeling of pain the feeling of injustice and anger? Can we let go of the hate within and seek a way past that hate and look towards forgiveness? Are we looking for revenge and relate to the proverb of an eye for an eye? If so it won’t be too long before the whole world goes blind. Can we find that peace within and accept our past as being in the past and still be able to hold ourselves whilst doing so? All of these things play a big part in our abuse addiction because we can’t quite seem to quit these feeling and emotions that seem to be larger than life whilst judging ourselves or our perpetrator. If we are holding on to these things how can we? So we need to ask ourselves this question-is my abuse holding on to me or am I holding on to it.

Experiencing that withdrawal for me was a real feeling of losing myself and my past although that was a dark was part of me, and not being sure how my future would emerge would it not be empty without memories either good or bad hell I would be wiping out my life. By letting go of everything surely that would mean that I would cease to exist although the past was painful what would happen if I it was gone just who would I be? So in my own case letting go of the past was without doubt letting go of an addiction of sorts and one that I would have to learn to conquer because holding on to my abuse was my addiction. An addiction in any shape or form takes a lot of adjustment and hard work to alter or give up but we should never think that it is as easily described as a habit; it’s a whole bigger ball game.

No one wants to be an addict why would they? It’s never of their choosing it’s something that crept up from behind that they felt they have control of but that’s the nature of addiction. I am still so aware that this word addiction is not welcomed with open arms around abuse but there are many things in life that are true to fact but also uncomfortable, and you are welcome to use a different word if it doesn’t sit well with you but the word is not the problem it’s our inaction that matters. Looking away should never be an option we should choose because if we choose to do so we are stuck and if we are stuck how can we achieve the movement that we need?

Letting go giving up and feeling that we have the strength to do so wear many guises and there are many that relate to the word and the reference of addiction. We can and do become addicted to that place around our pain of abuse just because it’s easier than facing that place in which we cannot avoid the eruptions of the emotions that will surface if we trust to let go. Or maybe we can’t see a clear path in which to walk when something as fundamental as all we’ve have ever known departs. Addiction means nothing more than a repeated involvement that allows harm to ourselves so just how often do we delve into the abyss of our abuse on a daily basis? How many times are we held in that place of pain and be unable to leave?

Our recovery has truly begun when we can say but not today……….

Surreal Emotion

Why am I sitting here this evening? I’m not really sure but I feel that I have to share. It’s been over a week now since I received the news that my abuser had almost certainly left this earth, as I wrote in my piece of 22nd of October but I’ve been waiting for the 100% confirmation and it’s been a really busy place in my head since then. For once I’m lost for words because there aren’t any! I feel extremely emotional and deep and recognition of those years I could have lost in front of me, but mostly real empathy for those around the world that are still within their own recovery. In truth, I’m not surprised by these emotions he had once more left me with a parting gift although I’m sure that he was not aware of it which is a little ironic. I have reached a place in my life where I am happy a place that I had waited for always but it was never going to be completely put to bed whilst he was still out there. So yes he takes another piece of me with him my mindset realisation and the impact this created which I should have expected but in truth, I am glad that I experienced those emotions and they were welcomed with open arms. I will hold them tenderly how can I not? As with all of my other emotions throughout the years they are part of me. I share this moment only with my fingers tapping on the key broad and in truth that is no real surprise to me but I know I’m not alone and I am grateful for the interaction with my website readers daily.

I really don’t have a quip or any words of wisdom this evening I don’t have any words at all just honesty…………

Volcanic Eruption

pressure it’s something that everyone has to deal with because that’s life and there is no avoidance so in essence the only thing we can do is to manage it, but at times that becomes so extremely difficult because the nature of a pressure valve is to hold in what’s below it. But as we are all aware sometimes we have no other choice than to push the pressure lease button when it’s no longer possible to stop that eruption. We can never really be sure when we will arrive at that point of no return and pushing that button is no longer avoidable, when this happens it starts with a kind of disturbance deep inside but it’s only just felt a smouldering for all intensive purposes still felt as almost dormant, so deep within us there is certainly no need at present to call out the volcanologist just yet. In truth, we have become somewhat of an expert ourselves at holding that eruption at bay and at times we are able to dispense with it completely.

We’ve had a lifetime as far back as we can remember at doing so because as abused children we had to expand our power of control over all of our emotions, even pushing them so far within that we are no longer aware of their existence-or so we think.

The problem with a volcano is that it can lay dormant for many years but at its source it is still very much alive with its embers burning with a multi-array of colours together but apart. The problem arrives when the emotions within us create a fusion and then it has nowhere else to go but up. Maybe at the first onset of emotions, we are able to stop that eruption from spilling out its contents completely, and that molten lava heading straight to the point where there is no getting out of its way. But there will be a time in the future or our past that no matter what we do or did there is no holding on to that paroxysmal, as it explodes with vengeance and heads straight for that village below with no care as to whom it may hurt or the destruction that it causes.

In all honesty, we create this situation of volcanic eruption ourselves because of a learnt behaviour around the control of our emotions that we needed so badly, in which to remain on this earth with some amount of sanity so we’ve somewhat mastered this control. But anyone of us can only take so much and then we have to let go or go insane with the emotions that this eruption is causing. But as abused children and that control I’ve talked about above on its arrival it’s far more like a holocaust making that volcano look somewhat inferior and the destruction can be vast. But there is no going back for us when we reach that point in time and all we can ever do is to a assess the situation once the lava has stopped boiling and destruction has halted.

OK, the above for me is no stranger because I’ve entered that place more times than I would like to admit over the years to recovery, but in truth that was part of my recovery and that does not differ for any of us. We can’t start towards recovery if we are still afraid of the emotions that need to surface and that includes all of them good and bad because they are part of us even if placed there by another. Until we take them out and really look they will stay there just like that dormant volcano but make no mistake they are going nowhere. They were put there in a place of pain so the fact that we need to return there means that we once more experience those emotions along the way unfortunately, there will be casualties even if that’s not your intention.

We couldn’t avoid the structure of that village it simply just got in the way it was never our aim for its destruction and it was never our aim to be in the place that we had been taken, but as long as we avoid or hold on to that which needs to be released this situation is set to continue. It is possible to change the way we deal with things and avoid that place of no return with acceptance and inner work all things are possible and we will eventually learn that there is a different way. Communication rather than confrontation, understanding other than just listening, learning forgiveness but far more than that really forgiving, acceptance we are all different and there is a way to co-exist without the pain, make peace with our unsolved issues, expand the love and remove the discord for ourselves and all those around us.

That volcano is just too hot for comfort and I’m truly tired of stepping my way through its embers……………

The Monster Has Gone

The monster has gone-would we ever really hear here those words escape our mouth because the devil doesn’t die how they can? They were invincible some kind of entity that would always be there feeding on our inner child because we feel them daily, whilst that child is still trying to find that dark corner or place where it feels a little safer. like all abused children, we grow separately because there is no escaping the adult we will have to become, but our inner child can never leave that hiding place and be able to function so as the adult isn’t it now our job to protect them? Over the years we may have tried to go within to bring us together as one, but on entering the exact opposite would win through as they tried to exist in a world that felt so completely alien and fearful. Once joined we become that terrified child in a world that we feel is completely unsafe so we retreat back into the shadows of the dark and that blanket of the surroundings that are familiar to that child, because although it may seem as if we are coping with this union on the outside inside we are really struggling to be that person because we feel anything other than able.

Time after time we may have tried to bring that child to the world we are now occupying only to learn that even we can’t reach them because they have retreated to a place where we can’t enter it seems without an invitation. It seems that the traffic at that moment in time is only one way, once invited and we are able to visit that place it takes all the strength we have to pull back from the pain we are feeling whilst there because we can’t hold on to it. So we leave with the guilt we feel at leaving them behind alone there in the shadows, we have to do this because we are part of society and it has become an art form that we have mastered over the years. We need to do all the things that are necessary to be part of life or at least seem to be when in truth we don’t feel a part of anything just abandonment and the guilty reminder that we did not have the strength in which to stay. Once again we were not able to hold on to that terrified child and bring about that much-needed step towards their healing but we need to remember the important thing to recognise is that we are still trying.

So how do you deal with the news that arrives to say the monster has gone? How can you reach that child and coax them out of the shadows when it’s all they have ever known? How does that child trust that it’s really now safe to emerge and that you will be there waiting for them in peace? The real truth is that they don’t know this world that we have been living in because they have never lived anywhere else; it’s a hell of a thing to accomplish when you don’t even how where to start because for such a long time for all intensive purposes you have never lived as one. In truth, I’m not really sure who is more scared the child or this person that we have become, which at times at least to the outside world that we are a functioning member of society so what do we do first? How can you ever achieve that migration of becoming one? You’re so aware that this is a transition that only you can bring to fruition as we struggle within this reverse polarity, and not feeling anything at all in that precise moment in time where you can’t even feel as if your feet are really still on solid ground.

There we are in a kind of trance aware of this happening but having such difficulty believing what would be our first reaction? For me, it is to write which may seem like an odd thing to do after receiving such news, but my writing is the one thing that I can delve into and be able to talk and relate to as if there is a third person. I feel removed from the thoughts going over and over in my head I guess it’s what has kept me a little sane over the years because I’m able to feel there without hurting, that’s a concept that I’m sure others would find unable to understand but we have all found a way to distract we had to. A place to retreat that works for us a place where we can remove ourselves from a situation that is just too difficult to deal with in that moment of time, it allows us to stay anchored in this world which is something that everyone has to feel it’s just far more difficult for an abused child to do.

Sitting here we still feel as if we are on our own we can’t even relate right now to that inner child because they are silent but why? And we don’t think that having someone here with us would make a difference because the person we have to reach in still deep inside of us, and it seems they are not very eager to join us right now in this completely abstract state of mind we find ourselves in. So let’s move away from where we are at present and explore the ways in which to move towards that objective of becoming as one that any of us would feel at that moment in time. The struggles we would all face because it’s not as easy as saying “thank god the monster has gone” because although they may have done their memory is still alive and kicking relentlessly as you try and take in the information
received it’s just so unreal.

Our struggle is always going to be the memories that are so difficult to deal with because they are the biggest part of whom we are, and we feel as if letting go of them will somehow bring the monster back and that it’s all a ruse to put us off guard. How do we even make a start towards our inner child when we are still having immense trouble trusted this information for ourselves, it feels as if someone were to pinch us we would be back to reality and still under their shadow. Our minds are so full of this new information that it seems all else has faded into the background quite simply because there isn’t any room for anything else to remain, we feel as if the world is now a different place but what does that mean? How do we move on to a place where we will believe that we no longer have to run from the monster? The truth is that we have been running for so many years do we really know how to stand still? It’s like someone has cut off your arm and you had happily let them because it was no longer of any use but the stump is still there.

For some, it’s a childhood memory but for others the monster has been there with them for a lifetime dropping in and out of our lives at will and then the memories become vast, adding up as time passes and always expected to arrive and seemingly we expect more in front of us. It becomes more like an expectant visitor where you find yourself making room for them even before they arrive and that ever-growing pile becomes harder and harder to hold on to. Somehow you feel as if something is now missing from your world and not knowing how that will be you have never existed without the fear. You’ve prayed for it for so long to be able to escape their clutches and now that you have what’s left? It may sound like an odd thing to say but the only thing that has been removed is the monster; those memories still need to be pacified but at least there will be no more to add to that pile.

We are always going to feel unsteady with this adjustment because our abuse and its effects have been there for such a long time, in truth, it will even take time for this news to really sink in because we never had an out we could take of our own only the passing of time. It’s a shock and as with all others shocks we can’t deal with it over-night even though it’s something we may have thought of often, but the reality of the happening is something that we could never prepare for. I’m aware that all of the above may sound a little like we’ve suffered a loss and one that will be mourned over, but that’s not the way I am hoping that this reads because that’s not my intention at all. But it’s still a loss that will affect any of us greatly even if a grateful one it will need to be addressed and digested because every loss is life brings with it a change be it for the good or the complete opposite. But maybe now we can really move towards our recovery with a lighter step and a different outlook of the world and some margin of safety, where we are no longer looking over our shoulder and we are able to move around freely. To think that we can adjust quickly to this news would be extremely fanciful on our part, because even whilst at times they are not around us we are very aware of their existence. We have a lot of years to unravel a lot of emotions to deal with and then there’s that strange place that we now find ourselves in.

Receiving such news is quickly followed by emerging emotions that until now we have never had experience of its completely new and the effect can knock us a little off-kilter. It’s difficult to try to explain without experiencing because they arrive seemingly in a concrete mixer as their content seem to merge, as one after another filters into our consciousness whilst our subconscious is still deciding where to put the bricks. We experience confusion to joy and anger but it’s an anger that has a very different slant on it than ever before, peace and lightness as to who we are without that weight of always expecting. Because as long as they were living we never truly knew if we had left them behind without that glance over our shoulder or the feeling of anxiousness that had never really left us. But the one feeling that overrides them all completely is that feeling of peace that you have never felt in your life at any time preceding this news and it’s welcomed with open arms.

It will take time to process but maybe now we can finally stop looking under the bed……………

Help Me

Help me – it’s a really difficult thing to ask at times more so if you have an abusive past and you have learnt that help is something that you could never reply on, the only memory you have is that help was never available and it was down to you to help yourself. It’s a really hard lesson to learn because during that time you have asked often without being able to ask with the use of words, as a child you are so aware that asking this way would bring down the wrath of gods or hell’s fire upon you that has been drummed into your mind with a force which is unimaginable. I remember thinking so many times that to do so would mean the end of everything more than that it would mean the end of me, the consequences were seen every night that I slept when the nightmares would frequent my dreams.

I would wake up in a bath of sweat and a heart that was beating out of my chest, seeing those dark shadows dancing across the walls and hearing those footsteps coming ever closer and closer even though they may have been in my subconscious. The mind is a very fragile thing when it’s overwhelmed with the horrors in actuality or within the dark place that is within, because within that confusion during the darkness of the night they are as one. Help was never going to arrive it never had before so why would it do so now? So as we grow into adulthood the one thing that we are oh so sure of is we would never be able to ask for help and that feeling can last for a lifetime.

It can form a habit within us that is so very hard to break because it’s back there deep within its never left us, we know that to ask for help would mean complete trust but how do we achieve that? When trust was something that made us weak or vulnerable within the place of safety we have created out of necessity, just how do you break the habit of a lifetime and find that place of safety at our request? I know through experience just how this feeling can affect us and if I ever look towards help I am sent to a place where I feel as if I’m drowning. But it’s a place that I dipped my toe into so very recently having found that strength to do so only to be reminding that help would once more be denied to me, and I relived the pain of that memory of being completely alone as it took me back to a place of complete pain and desolation.

Once more trying to keep my head from going under without the aid of the life raft I had been so sure would have been there. What was it I said above about trust? God knows why in the hell do we take this journey when we are so often reminded that we are alone so why do we just not accept that? For me it was a lesson that hurt so very much and unearthed so many memories that were so very painful, and it took me right back to that scared child laying in the dark praying for someone anyone to help me hold it together because right at that moment in time I was falling apart. So there I was sitting once more alone within complete clarity that asking for help was a disastrous mistake, and only served to remind me that maybe I should have trusted my instincts or memories and that no one was ever going to help me.

OK, so where should we go from here? Stop trying to find that elusive trust that must be the answer isn’t it? The answer to that is a resounding no, because if we stop the journey we have just started on in pursuit of the trust we take such a backward step and we may never recover it again. We have to try to understand why that help was denied and if the road we travelled in which to find it was the wrong one. Maybe I was trying to place that trust where it was not able to given for reasons I may never really understand or be able to comprehend. Maybe what I was asking for was just too much for them to hold on to and still be able to stand up right themselves, I need to remember that although I offer help daily and I’m able to remove myself from another’s pain and look at the problem objectively with the offer of honest help but they were not me. I need to accept that they crumbled beneath its weight and I guess that won’t change. This is said without accusation or trying to attach blame because they have no place here we all have our different strengths. Although for me that could have been the road I so needed to be on to obtain the much needed trust and help that I needed, without feeling out of my depth because at least I was floating and at that moment in time and the water wasn’t dragging me under. Although I’m sure to all that witnessed this transition it was less than graceful but I was just trying to stay afloat with this trust and help that I had finally requesting making it so very hard to swim.

I’m aware that this piece sounds all about me but I’m so very sure that whilst reading if you are an abuse survivor you have travelled this road also because there is no avoiding it’s legacy we have to learn to live with, and hopefully one day overcome and receive the help without also crumbling under with the weight of asking. So yes I’ve shared a piece of me today but that’s not a bad thing it’s always a good thing to know we are not alone out there with the struggles that we encounter. I’m also sure that whilst reading you will be able to relate to each word as it jumps towards you from the page, we are not so different in the way we relate because our abuse binds us together without the knowledge of whom or where we are. Sharing is so important so let’s continue on that rocky road together but also accept that there are going to be a few cracks we will inevitably fall into, and we may scrape our knee’s any number of times but the alternative is not moving and we have to move or fall behind. Because every day is a lesson if we choose to learn from it and that’s where I am right now still smarting a little from the falls along that travelled road and applying plasters liberally.

But my door is always open to all that need it you just need to find the trust in which to ask…………….


It’s a strong word and so very unsafe on the opposite of love that we at times don’t know which side of it we are sitting on, or of course which side will win this fight with our emotions or pull us over into that dark place or not. It’s a feeling that we have all felt often throughout our life time because it’s a reaction and at times we can’t control the blood that is beginning to boil deep within us. It’s a place in which we feel out of control and without any power to influence our thoughts feelings and actions, they are just there and no matter how we try the only way out of it is to go through it even if it takes every ounce of strength we have left to fight it. Even if we feel that the end is never going to arrive and that this pain is excruciating we have no choice but to be pulled along in that river of pain.

Of course all this hating is supposed to make us feel strong in control and doing things our way but the truth is nothing ever gets dealt with through hate, only when we can sit down and remember the love that was once there will we ever see the truth that needs to be recognised. That’s the point where hate is now replaced with an understanding of why we had once more entered that place with such vigour. We can’t begin to see things clearly when the veil of hate is lying against our face as if it had been placed there with superglue, because there is no sense to be made there and our eyes are obstructed from any clear vision.

I guess in truth it is always a fight against or within ourselves because we are the ones doing the feeling and controlling our anger, we are the ones at war within with no clear winner to be seen. But what we don’t understand at that moment in time is that victory is not final and defeat is not fatal, so all we can do is to allow these emotions to take place and know that in time the veil will lift and our vision will once more become clear.

I’ve been reminded of that feeling of late and it really surprised me because it’s a feeling that for me for so many years was only just dormant under and very thin layer of skin, and I really thought that my skin in the here and now had become a little thicker down the years towards my recovery. So I guess I was caught napping and failed to remember that recovery is a life long journey and one in which I could not push the tide. In truth I am now today grateful for that wake-up call because it bought to me a new adventure that I would never have seen without that return to that dark plaice. Maybe it was what was needed to bump start a new chapter in my life and allow the new to arrive and it be welcomed. So in truth hate can also be a feeling of freeing yourself from those deep emotions we at the time can do nothing about although I agree it could be a little easier, but I’ve learnt in life that nothing that you really want is easy it takes work deep within.

I ventured down a path that I had never looked at before and found myself there without really noticing if that doesn’t sound too odd? But it was a path that will bring me a great deal of satisfaction and fulfilment whilst helping others along the way. To be asked by a university to be an acting part of the students learning is something I would not have considered without the journey I had just taken, because I would have had no reason to look in that direction. So it seems that we never stop moving forward in life just because we don’t want to. Hate is a memory and at times we think they make us who we are but it fact they are only a reminder of where we’ve been. We allow the past to hold on to us far more than it has a right to because we bury those feelings of hate to draw on at a different time instead of just letting it go. Hate is a dead emotion that never brings with it any joy so the question has to be why we are holding on to it? My learning today in the here and now is that I don’t know what’s out in front of me unless I really look without that veil, even if looking was not part of my plan because I don’t hold a hidden map of the future I just have to keep moving.

What I am trying to say here and I hope with some success is that at times we will all feel that our world is over, and that we can’t go on as we roll around in that hateful state of mind. But in time the end will come the pain will lift and you never know what it will bring when you find that veil has been lifted. Life is a journey even if at times it’s an unpleasant one but we can’t step away from it because it’s difficult. That’s the time where we have all the strength we need because of and in spite of our past abuse, because if we have made it through that nothing is beyond our grasp and I’m grateful for that reminder. We need to remember that strength isn’t always measured in a way in which it’s visible.

So I have decided to stick with love because hate is too much of a burden………


Narcissism the word even sounds a little cruel or maybe that’s my memory linked to a time where I was a victim of it’s of its controlling elements, it’s so long ago now but the feeling never leaves you totally. If I allow my mind to travel back in time it was such an unpleasant experience where I was being controlled and manoeuvred with military precision, never knowing where or when I would be required to get in line for inspection. But no matter how long I took pressing and ironing my uniform or the time I took polishing my shoes it would never be good enough, I was never going to pass inspection because that’s the way of a narcissist and trying was never going to be good enough it seemed that I would always fall short.

Of course the above is an analogy but it is so very close to the acquirements that a narcissist insists on because control is the over welling factor in a relationship that they become a part of, in truth you really can’t do right for doing wrong because the next order of march will always be unexpected and you will never be good enough to be included in any parade. Just when you think that you are marching in the right direction you will find that you’re not even on the same parade ground, the reason is clear to all that have encountered this type of behaviour they never really want you to get it right they just want to be the one shouting out the orders.

Narcissists have excessive interest of self to include a grandiose view of their own talents and self admiration, selfishness and an unbending craving for your admiration and your full attention whilst making all believe that in fact they only wanted the exact opposite. In public they appear to be compassionate generous and a desirable friend partner or lover and indeed they really believe that is who they are, whilst in truth they only want to hear all about them and the only words they listen to are the words emerging from their own mouth. Any opinion you may hold is of no interest to them because they suffer from a core dysfunction of a listening disorder, think of it as a one sided conversation with multiple features that emerge as a result but always with the fixation on themselves.

Almost all abusers are narcissists and it’s true to say that an abused child can be duped into that way of life as an adult without seeing the hidden side effect of that abuse so long ago, it can of course also be that they are well aware of this side of themselves but their actions if even recognised they relate to the convenience of their abuse. Of course that statement is a generalisation and clearly not true of all abused children. But in my own experience I have seen for myself the manifestation that can occur and which I relate to so completely in this piece that I am here today sharing, and so I am speaking from my own experience because that’s all I can do.

Our abuse leaves us with so much that is unsaid hidden or understood even by ourselves until that scenario repeats its self which can happen many years later, and arrive unannounced and from a quarter in which is was never expected. If this happens we can be held in that place never really seeing the repeated behaviour until it has once more done the damage in which was intended, and we are left holding the emerging memories that we have been pulled back into experiencing. There we are once more experiencing that hold of a narcissist even if for a time we can’t see it or maybe we don’t want to see it because how could this be happening again? Should we not have been able to see it? In truth maybe we were aware all along but once in the grip of a true narcissist for a period of time we are blinkered after all they have spent years perfecting their art. But its an art that in time will be felt in their direction if there is any judgment in this world of which at times I’m left guessing.

We could spend time here talking about ramifications of our repeated experience, but in truth all we can do is learn from that period of time and heal the pain that was once more felt deep within at their end game. But we also don’t need to be included in any future game play if indeed we were even ever part of it anyway because a narcissist doesn’t play well with others. In the cold light of day we are left with what is and that can’t be changed and pity is the only emotion left that we should now be feeling in their direction.

Hold on to this thought they are in the mist of creating a very lonely existence…………