teresa

Help Me

Help me – it’s a really difficult thing to ask at times more so if you have an abusive past and you have learnt that help is something that you could never reply on, the only memory you have is that help was never available and it was down to you to help yourself. It’s a really hard lesson to learn because during that time you have asked often without being able to ask with the use of words, as a child you are so aware that asking this way would bring down the wrath of gods or hell’s fire upon you that has been drummed into your mind with a force which is unimaginable. I remember thinking so many times that to do so would mean the end of everything more than that it would mean the end of me, the consequences were seen every night that I slept when the nightmares would frequent my dreams.

I would wake up in a bath of sweat and a heart that was beating out of my chest, seeing those dark shadows dancing across the walls and hearing those footsteps coming ever closer and closer even though they may have been in my subconscious. The mind is a very fragile thing when it’s overwhelmed with the horrors in actuality or within the dark place that is within, because within that confusion during the darkness of the night they are as one. Help was never going to arrive it never had before so why would it do so now? So as we grow into adulthood the one thing that we are oh so sure of is we would never be able to ask for help and that feeling can last for a lifetime.

It can form a habit within us that is so very hard to break because it’s back there deep within its never left us, we know that to ask for help would mean complete trust but how do we achieve that? When trust was something that made us weak or vulnerable within the place of safety we have created out of necessity, just how do you break the habit of a lifetime and find that place of safety at our request? I know through experience just how this feeling can affect us and if I ever look towards help I am sent to a place where I feel as if I’m drowning. But it’s a place that I dipped my toe into so very recently having found that strength to do so only to be reminding that help would once more be denied to me, and I relived the pain of that memory of being completely alone as it took me back to a place of complete pain and desolation.

Once more trying to keep my head from going under without the aid of the life raft I had been so sure would have been there. What was it I said above about trust? God knows why in the hell do we take this journey when we are so often reminded that we are alone so why do we just not accept that? For me it was a lesson that hurt so very much and unearthed so many memories that were so very painful, and it took me right back to that scared child laying in the dark praying for someone anyone to help me hold it together because right at that moment in time I was falling apart. So there I was sitting once more alone within complete clarity that asking for help was a disastrous mistake, and only served to remind me that maybe I should have trusted my instincts or memories and that no one was ever going to help me.

OK, so where should we go from here? Stop trying to find that elusive trust that must be the answer isn’t it? The answer to that is a resounding no, because if we stop the journey we have just started on in pursuit of the trust we take such a backward step and we may never recover it again. We have to try to understand why that help was denied and if the road we travelled in which to find it was the wrong one. Maybe I was trying to place that trust where it was not able to given for reasons I may never really understand or be able to comprehend. Maybe what I was asking for was just too much for them to hold on to and still be able to stand up right themselves, I need to remember that although I offer help daily and I’m able to remove myself from another’s pain and look at the problem objectively with the offer of honest help but they were not me. I need to accept that they crumbled beneath its weight and I guess that won’t change. This is said without accusation or trying to attach blame because they have no place here we all have our different strengths. Although for me that could have been the road I so needed to be on to obtain the much needed trust and help that I needed, without feeling out of my depth because at least I was floating and at that moment in time and the water wasn’t dragging me under. Although I’m sure to all that witnessed this transition it was less than graceful but I was just trying to stay afloat with this trust and help that I had finally requesting making it so very hard to swim.

I’m aware that this piece sounds all about me but I’m so very sure that whilst reading if you are an abuse survivor you have travelled this road also because there is no avoiding it’s legacy we have to learn to live with, and hopefully one day overcome and receive the help without also crumbling under with the weight of asking. So yes I’ve shared a piece of me today but that’s not a bad thing it’s always a good thing to know we are not alone out there with the struggles that we encounter. I’m also sure that whilst reading you will be able to relate to each word as it jumps towards you from the page, we are not so different in the way we relate because our abuse binds us together without the knowledge of whom or where we are. Sharing is so important so let’s continue on that rocky road together but also accept that there are going to be a few cracks we will inevitably fall into, and we may scrape our knee’s any number of times but the alternative is not moving and we have to move or fall behind. Because every day is a lesson if we choose to learn from it and that’s where I am right now still smarting a little from the falls along that travelled road and applying plasters liberally.

But my door is always open to all that need it you just need to find the trust in which to ask…………….

Hate

It’s a strong word and so very unsafe on the opposite of love that we at times don’t know which side of it we are sitting on, or of course which side will win this fight with our emotions or pull us over into that dark place or not. It’s a feeling that we have all felt often throughout our life time because it’s a reaction and at times we can’t control the blood that is beginning to boil deep within us. It’s a place in which we feel out of control and without any power to influence our thoughts feelings and actions, they are just there and no matter how we try the only way out of it is to go through it even if it takes every ounce of strength we have left to fight it. Even if we feel that the end is never going to arrive and that this pain is excruciating we have no choice but to be pulled along in that river of pain.

Of course all this hating is supposed to make us feel strong in control and doing things our way but the truth is nothing ever gets dealt with through hate, only when we can sit down and remember the love that was once there will we ever see the truth that needs to be recognised. That’s the point where hate is now replaced with an understanding of why we had once more entered that place with such vigour. We can’t begin to see things clearly when the veil of hate is lying against our face as if it had been placed there with superglue, because there is no sense to be made there and our eyes are obstructed from any clear vision.

I guess in truth it is always a fight against or within ourselves because we are the ones doing the feeling and controlling our anger, we are the ones at war within with no clear winner to be seen. But what we don’t understand at that moment in time is that victory is not final and defeat is not fatal, so all we can do is to allow these emotions to take place and know that in time the veil will lift and our vision will once more become clear.

I’ve been reminded of that feeling of late and it really surprised me because it’s a feeling that for me for so many years was only just dormant under and very thin layer of skin, and I really thought that my skin in the here and now had become a little thicker down the years towards my recovery. So I guess I was caught napping and failed to remember that recovery is a life long journey and one in which I could not push the tide. In truth I am now today grateful for that wake-up call because it bought to me a new adventure that I would never have seen without that return to that dark plaice. Maybe it was what was needed to bump start a new chapter in my life and allow the new to arrive and it be welcomed. So in truth hate can also be a feeling of freeing yourself from those deep emotions we at the time can do nothing about although I agree it could be a little easier, but I’ve learnt in life that nothing that you really want is easy it takes work deep within.

I ventured down a path that I had never looked at before and found myself there without really noticing if that doesn’t sound too odd? But it was a path that will bring me a great deal of satisfaction and fulfilment whilst helping others along the way. To be asked by a university to be an acting part of the students learning is something I would not have considered without the journey I had just taken, because I would have had no reason to look in that direction. So it seems that we never stop moving forward in life just because we don’t want to. Hate is a memory and at times we think they make us who we are but it fact they are only a reminder of where we’ve been. We allow the past to hold on to us far more than it has a right to because we bury those feelings of hate to draw on at a different time instead of just letting it go. Hate is a dead emotion that never brings with it any joy so the question has to be why we are holding on to it? My learning today in the here and now is that I don’t know what’s out in front of me unless I really look without that veil, even if looking was not part of my plan because I don’t hold a hidden map of the future I just have to keep moving.

What I am trying to say here and I hope with some success is that at times we will all feel that our world is over, and that we can’t go on as we roll around in that hateful state of mind. But in time the end will come the pain will lift and you never know what it will bring when you find that veil has been lifted. Life is a journey even if at times it’s an unpleasant one but we can’t step away from it because it’s difficult. That’s the time where we have all the strength we need because of and in spite of our past abuse, because if we have made it through that nothing is beyond our grasp and I’m grateful for that reminder. We need to remember that strength isn’t always measured in a way in which it’s visible.

So I have decided to stick with love because hate is too much of a burden………

Narcissism

Narcissism the word even sounds a little cruel or maybe that’s my memory linked to a time where I was a victim of it’s of its controlling elements, it’s so long ago now but the feeling never leaves you totally. If I allow my mind to travel back in time it was such an unpleasant experience where I was being controlled and manoeuvred with military precision, never knowing where or when I would be required to get in line for inspection. But no matter how long I took pressing and ironing my uniform or the time I took polishing my shoes it would never be good enough, I was never going to pass inspection because that’s the way of a narcissist and trying was never going to be good enough it seemed that I would always fall short.

Of course the above is an analogy but it is so very close to the acquirements that a narcissist insists on because control is the over welling factor in a relationship that they become a part of, in truth you really can’t do right for doing wrong because the next order of march will always be unexpected and you will never be good enough to be included in any parade. Just when you think that you are marching in the right direction you will find that you’re not even on the same parade ground, the reason is clear to all that have encountered this type of behaviour they never really want you to get it right they just want to be the one shouting out the orders.

Narcissists have excessive interest of self to include a grandiose view of their own talents and self admiration, selfishness and an unbending craving for your admiration and your full attention whilst making all believe that in fact they only wanted the exact opposite. In public they appear to be compassionate generous and a desirable friend partner or lover and indeed they really believe that is who they are, whilst in truth they only want to hear all about them and the only words they listen to are the words emerging from their own mouth. Any opinion you may hold is of no interest to them because they suffer from a core dysfunction of a listening disorder, think of it as a one sided conversation with multiple features that emerge as a result but always with the fixation on themselves.

Almost all abusers are narcissists and it’s true to say that an abused child can be duped into that way of life as an adult without seeing the hidden side effect of that abuse so long ago, it can of course also be that they are well aware of this side of themselves but their actions if even recognised they relate to the convenience of their abuse. Of course that statement is a generalisation and clearly not true of all abused children. But in my own experience I have seen for myself the manifestation that can occur and which I relate to so completely in this piece that I am here today sharing, and so I am speaking from my own experience because that’s all I can do.

Our abuse leaves us with so much that is unsaid hidden or understood even by ourselves until that scenario repeats its self which can happen many years later, and arrive unannounced and from a quarter in which is was never expected. If this happens we can be held in that place never really seeing the repeated behaviour until it has once more done the damage in which was intended, and we are left holding the emerging memories that we have been pulled back into experiencing. There we are once more experiencing that hold of a narcissist even if for a time we can’t see it or maybe we don’t want to see it because how could this be happening again? Should we not have been able to see it? In truth maybe we were aware all along but once in the grip of a true narcissist for a period of time we are blinkered after all they have spent years perfecting their art. But its an art that in time will be felt in their direction if there is any judgment in this world of which at times I’m left guessing.

We could spend time here talking about ramifications of our repeated experience, but in truth all we can do is learn from that period of time and heal the pain that was once more felt deep within at their end game. But we also don’t need to be included in any future game play if indeed we were even ever part of it anyway because a narcissist doesn’t play well with others. In the cold light of day we are left with what is and that can’t be changed and pity is the only emotion left that we should now be feeling in their direction.

Hold on to this thought they are in the mist of creating a very lonely existence…………

Words That Should Never Be Spoken

Before I re-post this piece I need to explain the reason as to why I had taken it down. It truth it was because I found that it was closely linked with my feelings and emotions at that time in my own present. Although I try to write for all to benefit from my pieces my own emotions cannot at times be excluded because life happens to all of us. Knowing this I removed the piece to reflect on the reasons that I had written it. For me it was a great learning curve because I questioned what I know was the truth without those rose coloured glasses. After careful consideration I am now sure that I wrote it for the right reasons whilst also acknowledging my own feelings of humanity and at times self judgement. Some people just really can’t be helped and seem to take joy in another’s pain in a very narcissistic manner, but we will never reach them because they are unreachable and live in a place where they are the only concern. In time these people will lose all that matters to them because they don’t know how not to act in an unselfish manner, whilst also cruelly making another feel that this discord within was of their own making.

So here it is back where it should have stayed without questioning my reasons for writing which is never going to be in question again.

…………………………………

Words have power and invoke upon us an enormous range of feelings and emotions but when these words are spoken by the one you love their power becomes infinite because you never expected it from that direction. When you are likened to your abuser the pain we feel is so completely excruciating because you know just what that monster was and is capable of

Are you really like him? Or is this just a sure fired way of hurting you with the most painful part of your life as ammunition. Even writing these words is painful it’s as if you have been stabbed right through the heart by someone that your heart belonged to, you are deeply reminded that maybe you will never it seems be able to leave this past hurt behind you. Someone somewhere will always be able to take a clear pot shot in your direction at their will, as you’re reminded of the chains that you have been pulling behind you nearly all of your life.

So how do we feel when that remark is then made by someone who has also been abused themselves? They wouldn’t say that right? Why would they because they must be acutely aware of just how painful that remark would be wouldn’t they? Sadly I have become so very aware of late that there are some people that will say anything in which to hurt you the most, and the knowledge of your abuse is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal. But we need to remember that if they choose to take this action it’s far more about them than about you because in doing so they show the true measure of whom they are. It may take some time to recuperate from a situation like this but we are more than capable.

Sadly they will always be who they are with no hope of recovery within for themselves because they have become so very dark inside. I’m choosing not to write more here today because I am not prepared to give them any more recognition than they deserve why? In truth they don’t deserve any recognition whatsoever when they crawl along the ground so very low as to use our abuser against us. We need to be aware that this type of person is indeed out there among us, and instead of looking inwards towards their own recovery they choose to use it as an excuse to behave in any manner they wish to. Take this knowledge and bury it away in a darkest corner of your mind in the hope that it never needs to be exhumed.

But if there is ever a day that you’re reminded of this piece remember that their words reflect nothing about you and everything about them……..

Transference Of Pain

The above title can be so destructive not only to the person receiving this but also the person transferring their emotions because it doesn’t come from the side of light but of the shadow side. As beings we are subject to a range of emotions and not only those that we should embrace because there are always two sides to a coin, and at times it seems that we throw that coin in the air without thought of where it may land or which side is up. There are so many reasons why this happens but the ultimate reason is that we are unable to carry that pain alone, we feel that unless we can unload some of this pain somewhere we will buckle below it. It’s a redirection of our emotions because they are just too much to hold. Specialised psychology will tell you that it’s a situation in which a person receiving treatment unloads their thoughts and emotions on to another. This happens often whilst within a place of treatment towards recovery especially to the person that is treating the individual, because they are the person pulling the lid off as it were and as such exposing the contents within. This is something that therapists should always be aware of and in truth expecting from their clients, a movement or a shift will always occur it’s unavoidable if positive recovery is to begin.

Often the act of transference is more than a little unfair because it’s a heavy load to put down and expect the another to hold, even if this is unintentional or from a place that we really should try to avoid and in hindsight we wish that we had. The truth is that we will all do this at some point within our lives because it’s part of being human, so in essence it’s a human trait that is within all of us along with many others that represents the makeup of who we are. We have all heard or even said “I am only human” well in truth that’s all we can be with all the strength and weakness that we are born with along with those that have been inducted upon us. As abused children we have so many shadowy memories of the past that at times takes hold and seems to run a-muck and are completely uncontrollable, but all we can do with that is to recognise that the situation has occurred and try to atone for that momentary lack of control or painful reaction.

We will never leave a situation like this with a clean bill of health because we ourselves will feel its repercussion and we will never leave unscathed, in all truth at such times we ourselves lose so much and we are then at a complete loss as to how to put things right. Its seems that only being human whilst giving us many gifts throughout our lives will also be our downfall at other times, at such times all we can ever do is our best and hope that the damage is repairable.

I’m going to end this piece here right now because it’s so very close to me and a painful place in which to stay, but it’s also another life lesson experienced and to learn from but not one in which I wish to return to.

“But I’m only human”…………………………….

To Feel Needed

We all feel the need to be needed right? But at times we may question ourselves as to why and where this feeling is ultimately taking us? When we start to feel that the only reason that we are with someone is because of this need then we travel down a very rocky road, when we feel that the only reason we are with another is our compassion and understanding of that feeling of needing it’s so completely wrong for all concerned. It doesn’t matter if the need is personal or professional NEED is an aspect of our lives, but there is a gigantic difference between telling someone that they are needed and actually making them feel needed. So you see this emotion of need is a complicated issue and in many ways it becomes an addiction, and like any other addiction we and all of mankind affected by it will come back for more because it makes us feel good.

The problem is that at times you can let that desire pull you into a damaging relationship for both parties concerned and maybe for completely different reasons, this happens often and is especially attractive to people who are afraid of being alone. The problem with that is we are giving without withholding anything for ourselves, and if we were to carry on through life this way we will only serve to lose ourselves completely. Needing should start from within and be held by us in much the same way in which we would hold on to a baby. Ok, we’ve established that we all have that feeling of being needed but for an abused child we are talking here about a very different deck of cards.

How does an abuse child understand this feeling of need? Just how confusing that feeling must be to them, because whilst being abused in some aspect they feel needed but in a much screwed up way and only because they are getting attention. This rendition of needing is eroding their lives away right in front of them daily and in time may destroy their future completely. Just how do they sit within that feeling or even be able to recognise it? It may even be the only feeling of being needed that they have ever received from a source that they don’t understand at all, whilst to them all others seem to be completely ignoring what is happening to them let alone needing them. Not feeling needed by anyone other than their abuser and their abuser confirms that to them daily.

As I’ve stated above this feeling of being needed is a exchanged emotion that is fundamentally required to feel that you have any worth at all. So let’s go back to the second paragraph of this piece and that feeling of being alone because as an abused child we have always felt alone, but maybe if we can find that feeling of being needed it’s all we have to hold on to even if it’s in a totally destructive manner. As I sit here today I am so very conscious of the above that used to map out my life so completely because I believed that if I were not needed then why would I be needed now? Why am I not able to experience that emotional exchange of a parallel need in a healthy manner? Even though this conversation with me took place some time ago now it was tough and it took me a long time to get to the place that I am in right now.

So there I sat on this emotional roller-coaster not feeling needed by all those around me and only experiencing the feeling of being needed from my abuser, it’s a very confusing time for a child that as of yet has not had any life experience whatsoever. Once more the life experience they are experiencing will never give them the life grounding that makes for a happy life out there in front of them, so ultimately what happens is that we learn through this experience that if we ourselves can’t feel needed then we can make others feel needed even to our own detriment. It’s for sure not a two way exchange but we feel that we can only play with the cards that we are dealt, but in truth we are creating vortex of one way emotion that in time will be just too hard to hold on to.

So where do we go from here? We need to go back to the dealer and re-stack the deck and face the damage that was inflicted upon us so many years ago within that place of pain, it’s the only place where we can alter the cards that were dealt to us so that we can play with a different hand. It’s the only place where we can take back our self worth and to understand that needing comes from within us because it starts with ourselves. How can we ever experience the feeling of being needed if all we feel we have to do is make others feel that their needed? If we continue down this road in time we will not fail to compromise who we even are. In truth we cannot make others feel needed by neglecting our own need deep within because we are evading the work that is ours, we can only sit within a situation that for all concerned is damaging until we find the strength to be true to ourselves. Taking the step towards that truthful exchange of need in a healthy place of a true exchange can only be achieved when it’s a balanced exchange.

But the real problem that we are faced with is that the longer it takes us to finally address this emotion of needing to feel needed we run the risk of that need needing us, and when and if that happens we are back within a place of being controlled. Ok it’s no longer our abuser doing the controlling but it can in time became equally destructive if we allow that emotion to run wild unchecked.

Our need is there no doubt and a healthy exchange of needing is something that we all want to experience, but what if we start to feel any threat of that need being taken away by circumstance do we once more become that child of so many years ago? If so we lose that reasoning of the adult that we now are and like all children it becomes all about us and that heart wrenching need, and then the inevitability happens and along come the tantrums simply because we need all attention directed at us just to make sure that we are still needed.

What I’ve stated above may happen in complete unconsciousness but it’s so very loud in your ear because at that moment in time we feel that our need is being pulled away from us and directed at another and that our need is no longer recognised why? That needy child is once more standing right there front and centre confused hurt and feeling invisible with none of its needs being met or so it seems. But the difference is that we are now adults with that life experience so here it is our consciousness arriving right on time and as expected shouting loudly in our other ear.

You need to maintain your own identity
Don’t be dependent
Get over yourself you’re not a child
Become more socially active it’s a big world out there
Be more confident in that exchange of emotions with whomever.
Be more mature act like an adult

Although trying to hold on to that maturity seems lost to you at that precise moment in time and the pain and panic that we are feeling is completely real and deeply felt.

In all truth we will always hold on to some of that feeling of being needed because of the abuse we have suffered in the past, but when need starts to take over our lives in adulthood we have to try to take control over that emotion although it may sit there in the back ground always. Connecting with that child within is paramount because that need in all truth is theirs and that’s where our control as an adult becomes so difficult to hold on to. But we have to find that balance or be controlled by our needs daily whilst feeling as if we are disconnected from whom we are within, because that child is still feeling that pain of not being needed and only you can give that much needed reassurance it can come from no other.

You need each other and neither of you is going anywhere……………

How Do We Convey Our Feelings Without Misunderstanding

Well this is a tricky one for sure and so very complex when so much depends on that other person we are sharing with and hoping they will understand, during these times we are walking on a very fine line as we struggle to feel comfortable to do so whilst also knowing that we could be opening a can of worms. So we sit with it within and struggle to keep hold of how we are feeling like we have to keep our tummies empty, but as with any other type of can we can’t eat its contents unless we pick up that can opener and proceed with the process of opening it. Of course this is metaphorically speaking but until we do we will never be able to examine or attempt to solve a problem, and yes at times this can inadvertently complicate or even create more problems or trouble for ourselves.

It’s a difficult meal to arrange not knowing what the other person prefers to eat and what will lie heavily in their stomach, but before we even present that meal we struggle so deeply with finding the right ingredients. We are not a Michelin chief and not at all comfortable even being in that kitchen, the ovens seem to be so very hot and we are so convinced that before we walk away from that kitchen we will for sure suffer from severe burns.

As with everything else within our lives we can’t avoid this issue without doing what’s needed it’s a little like trying to feel full without eating, until we face up to that meal we are going to suffer those hunger pains and eventually suffer with even living healthy on a day to day basis. Until we sit down at that table and share that meal we have no way of knowing just how unpleasant it will be to digest, but the one thing we all know is that we have to eat to survive.

When we hold on to those feelings how can we ever expect that another to understand without the knowledge of understanding how we feel, without being able to convey how we feel creates so much damage within us but speaking out is so very scary right? We will never have the forefront of knowledge as to their reaction until we do speak out. Hell when we do so we may find that we are not in the same restaurant or even looking at the same menu, but maybe when we do so we may find out that we are in fact able to taste each other’s meal with an open mind as to how it will taste.

I have found myself on many occasions sitting across from another as to speak and the language on the menu seems to be written in complete double Dutch, trying to share and being misunderstood or delving into that place of reaction judgement or anger which I know is not at all tasteful. But also knowing and feeling the indigestion of that if I stand up from that table and leave then I may never be giving the chance to taste that particular meal again. I guess all we can ever really do is to speak out and express our feelings whilst hoping that we will be received in the right frame of mind in which we have intended, we have no guarantees in life as to where to go from here only the knowledge that forward motion is needed. All we can ever do is to take that chance in the trust that in time and with shared conversation that meal will become a pleasant thing in which to share.

As a suffer of past abuse we will struggle with our emotions because we never really feel like they are our own, they are so very mixed up inside of us that at times they feel so completely alien. We feel that extremely difficult conflict going on around us but in truth quite simply we are in conflict with ourselves; what’s needed is to come together as one by really looking at those recipes within in order to run a successful restaurant. We try to eat correctly because we are told that we all need a balanced diet to stay healthy and our emotions really aren’t so very different.

I’ll see you the other side when you’re ready to pay that bill……..

Psychic Link

Most people don’t realise just how psychic they may be but in truth one sure way of knowing is the ability to feel another’s emotions or energy, when you think of someone else do they think of you at the exact same time? This can often be a spiritual connection or a deep based affinity between two people. This happens to us throughout our lives even if we are not aware of its nature or existence, we feel a pull towards another that is difficult to disregard or ignore. Time spent with them is looked forward to with fulfilment whilst within their company or even when we talk to them on the phone they just seem to fit, at times we seem to have the same thoughts emotions or sadness as if it’s kind of mirrored. Have you ever started to say something to that person and they say “hey I was just thinking about that very thing” in a sense it’s the ability to feel even if you are separated. We are all aware of things like – we make a call and on reply that other person will say” I was just thinking about you I was going to call” You can feel them around you during your daily life and they never seem too far away. There is a kind of camaraderie between you that you don’t feel with others it’s just that feeling that you find so difficult to explain, we only know that person fills a space within our hearts that is indescribable.

We often feel this tie with the ones that we love and are closest to us as if we can read each other’s minds and at times it can be a little eerie it’s like they have direct access to our thoughts, where has this invasion come from? Somehow an energy cord has been formed. It’s often said that this is an automatic response on meeting our soul mate where we just know that they are the one but how do we know? All we know is that we are drawn towards that person with an overwhelming instinct that is bigger than us.

During the years that I have been writing about my own abuse I have felt this extreme psychic pull so many times whilst relating with other abuse survivors, there is a link that I can’t explain but it’s there and felt strongly. It’s a shared emotion that we will never share with others that have never been subjected to sexual abuse; it’s a kind a feeling so deep within that at times it can give you that stomach over turning feeling or anxiousness within. I never fail to feel this emotion whilst writing a new piece for my website or being interviewed on live radio, I have no way of knowing just who may be listening but I always feel that I am being heard. Somehow I feel that link and I never fail to finish a radio show without a knot in my stomach from an outside influence, which leaves me very uneasy for the rest of that day it’s just as if I have left a part of me there that I needed to leave. A sort of psychic tie that may be invisible but its effect is felt in both directions; we have a common state of mind simply because we know just how it feels to endure the devastating effect that sexual abuse causes.

I could sit here and try to guess or explain how or why this happens but in all honesty I’m not sure that I have the required skill set to relate the how’s and why’s, the fact that it does needs no explanation to me I know that the draw towards that other being is not within my control. In a strange way because of my abuse I have an army of people out there that I can find some comfort with and I never ever really feel alone, even though the receiving of this felt comfort is through the sharing of a terrifying experience. So I guess that is why I am here today to remind you that you are not alone and comfort can be found by just reaching out in the right direction, suffice to say that I awoke this morning with this overwhelming feeling to remind all of those out there that has ever suffered from the terror of sexual abuse that we are here just waiting.

So is it a psychic link or shared experience? I’ll leave that for you to decide……….

Deep Seated Anger

Deep seated anger it’s a feeling that we can all relate to because anger is an emotion and as with all emotions we will feel them, every emotion we feel is so completely different and insights a different response. With the emotion of anger we can at times feel like we are within a demolition site just standing there as the building falls around us, unable to move for fear of being crushed whilst our ears are bombarded with the sound of the explosions that won’t cease even though we are the ones with our finger on the button. We stand there holding on to it with a death grip and even then it seems that the button has its own mind and we can do nothing to remove our finger until this anger has been expunged. By that time your head will be spinning with the heightened emotion felt and the experience you have just been subjected to, as we are left faced with what we still have left in front of us whilst not caring if anything can be salvaged from the rubble at all.

We feel that the anger that arose within was not unjustified but still OK someone has to come in with the bulldozer to clear it all up but it’s not you so that’s fine right?

We experience many emotions there is the emotion of complete love of disappointment or complete sadness and let’s not forget worry. Our range of feelings once evoked by our emotions can seem endless and are so very complex, that we could go on here filling up the page with the awesome range of our emotions but let’s go back to the subject at hand i.e. deep seated anger.

This emotion is nothing more than a wrecking ball hell bent on destroying our lives by the way that its felt it’s an overriding feeling that is so dam hard to get control of once it’s out of its box, it will fly off in every direction having the same effect as TNT which we then use to bring the house down. The walls fall around us but we will not be content until its structure is completely demolished right down to the footings, because it’s then that we can gaze at our work with complete relish and satisfaction and see the effects of the bomb that just went off all around us. There we stand righteously gazing at the carnage of damage as the dust swirls all around us trying to find somewhere to settle so that we can see through the fog. Completely unaware and not caring about the materials that will be needed in time to rebuild this desolation, to be able to start from scratch with something liveable but it’s really not our problem right?

It was justified you were right to lose all control because you felt either judged or suffered disillusionment with another or was it was a broken trust? Next time whoever will know just how far you are prepared to go if this situation recurred right? There we sit on our extremely high horse with our head in the air but mostly feeling completely removed because we had not been the cause of it right? So many questions but we have all the answers don’t we? But as we leave that situation with all that in mind we can’t help but take with us the fragments of what has just fallen down around us, the pieces of broken debris which may at that time be invisible to us, the dust in our hair and the dirt that we walk away with on the bottom of our shoes. We may have left that building site but inevitably it will take more than a shower to make us feel clean once again.

Deep seated anger has no real place in our lives other than to buffer our dented ego or to make us feel righteous defensive or pain, but the problem with this emotion is that it can’t help us to feel better about ourselves it can only in time give us a deeper understanding of that situation. I’m really not talking here about the recipient of that explosive emotion because I guess we could do no worse, we have made it completely clear just how we stand and there could be no mistake. I’m talking here about that emotion of regret that as yet has not even entered our minds but who sees regret at a time like this? Well I guess that’s just another unanswered question for now.

Regret for how that emotion made us feel because in time nothing is without its cost let’s hope that the cost won’t not be too high, because everyone pays the price when this deep seated anger is invoked. So before we embark on this lonely angry exercise should we not try to answer at least one question? Is that TNT really needed or what’s warranted? Just maybe the restructure of the existing building would suffice but that’s for you to decide. For myself I have already been within that emotion so many times that I have come to realise that I have lost something from each and every encounter on that demolition site, so sitting here today I try to avoid the one thing that hurts the most and for me that is regret although I don’t always succeed so I guess I’m a work in progress.

As abused children we grow up without even recognising the deep seated angry within us and that angry only grows with time, it’s inevitable that all the pain and control we have lived through serves to make us feel that we will always need to fight the world around us. As time passes it sits festering with seemingly no outlet or anywhere to put it down, but we have to keep looking for that place before that angry takes from us the rest of our lives in front of us. Sadly so very often that anger seeps out at the wrong time or the completely and utterly wrong place or even directed the wrong person, but we have to keep trying to find some control over that anger or we will never find any peace and it may even destroy any happiness we may have found.

Holding on to deep seated anger is nothing more than pushing the detonator and watching the devastation it causes- whilst expecting our own house to withstand the blast.