teresa

Tolerance

This is a re-post from many years ago it went missing it’s back…………….

Let us first look at the word tolerance which wears many hats-There is an outdoor sculpture in Israel near the Goldman Promenade-The Tolerance Monument. It forms a visually broken column which stands divided but still very much linked-So are they tolerating each other? It can be the study of accumulated and variation within mechanical parts and assemblies. There is the tolerance or drugs or alcohol , simply because the more we use or drink the more our bodies deal with the substances we consume or inflict upon it . Pain tolerance is also very much up there, oddly it seems that the longer we live the pain our tolerance increases. Before I rattle on here in danger of sounding very much like a dictionary, let’s move on to something that we neither would nor could think would sit right within the middle of that word-Abuse tolerance.

So how do we make this distinction? I have mixed it up-Turned it over-Beaten with a stick-Along with juggling all of the parts within this puzzle. But still, I am not wholly aware of why we would do so? So I am going to stick my neck out here and make a guess to the best of my knowledge and past experiences. If we were to crawl around amongst every word sitting here right above us at this time, then maybe we could find the answer to my ever burning question. Why would anyone much like me tolerate abuse? The entire variables above stand fast in our every growing effort to make our lives have meaning.

Let’s first look at the Monument-Over many years it has stood there trying it would seem to break away from the base that holds it together. Each part seems to want to leave the other behind, but unable to make the final splintering at the base to make that possible. Are we not splintered that way whilst we still hold on to our abuse? No matter how far the pillars move away from each other they are still only bending not breaking.
 
Mechanical-If we were to think about the working parts of our bodies are we not, in essence, a machine? All parts need to hold fast working within our tolerance. We do this every day with our abuse. The problem is that no matter how hard we try these parts will always fail never tolerating this intrusion into our bodies and minds. Until we take over the maintenance because we are the only ones holding on to the tools to alter that part of us.

Pain-Pain tolerance is something I can vouch for. After having an accident in 1998 in which I injured my back it’s been a challenge. As time passed I became drug/painkillers tolerant-Result I had to increase the dosage. On reaching the ceiling of that painkiller I could no longer increase the dose safely-where was I to go? In truth, it has almost become apart of me.

Drugs or Alcohol-This comparison is very different because we already have the key in hand to stop the continued use. Please don’t think that I am saying-It’s your fault why are doing this to yourself why can’t you just stop? In all honesty I could never say those words to you because I used one of those props for so very long. I never went down the road of drugs, but alcohol was very much where I went to hide from the world. If I am being even more honest it was also where I went to find myself.

Yes, we may be able to see the drink in our hand or the particular choice of drug sitting in front of us, but that only means that these props are visible. The other three comparisons I have used are just as accessible to us when we learn to look within. Within our mind’s eye we can repair break away and alter every part of our being, it doesn’t need to be seen with the naked eye.

So why am I here today? It’s to share with you the oddest thing that I may ever encounter within my life-Although it’s taking me a while to get to the point-Sorry.

There is knowledge deep inside of me which recognises that for so many years I was totally tolerant of my abuse along with its memories. I guess that everyone needs an anchor of sorts somewhere; to feel a connection to this world. It pains me to say that for so many years my anchor was my abuse. It was all I remembered as being the largest portion of my life. As sure as hell it was not the anchor that I would have hoped for it was the one I was stuck with. I was in a position of needing an anchor in life to feel that I was on solid ground, whilst trying with all my might to leave behind the abuse that I had suffered. I tried many times before I succeeded but the point to make here is that in time I did-You will also.

So there I stood a plan in hand, intent on moving forward; but time after time I was left holding a spanner in hand ready to throw it into the works. Once thrown each time it caused my best thought out plans to crash and burn. The mental effort I had thought through so carefully giving it my up-most consideration. I was left with the remains of a car crash with myself being the only mechanic in town. The truth was that I was the one applying this outcome each and every time it happened. Why? It was natural for me to hold on to an anchor for stability, but I was burning my hands with every touch. I needed an anchor in my life, but the one I had was only destroying me.

An anchor is something solid it gives us the strength when necessary to hold on. Without it, we would find ourselves flailing around unable to make a connection to anyone or anything. The end results deep down inside finds us thrashing around vigorously, aimlessly crashing around like a puppet with broken strings in an endeavour to find that solid ground. Everyone needs to feel a connection to the world and our place within it. The one thing that dominates our lives is a structure implanted as we have grown. Something put in place that had or has an overbearing effect; if you like we can even call it our shadow. It’s always there but unless we are standing in a certain light it’s just not visible to us. Given a situation where we are standing where our shadow should be visible and it’s missing, it’s a very unnerving situation as we really cannot fathom its departure. Never in a million years should we tolerate our abuse. But we are so very unsure of our place in the world without it. Quite simply it’s all we know. It has been our anchor which sounds so completely off the wall and it’s been a heavy weight to carry.

Just like the picture depicts at the top of this piece we are somehow shacked to its longevity. So I should not need to tell you that for those of us that have or are still suffering abuse it’s by far one of the hardest things to overcome. We are left with nothing more than cause and effect. We need solid ground-The only solid ground seemingly available to us is our abuse. I know all this astounds but that’s where we will stay until we realise that there is another way. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just obliterate our past or remove it completely leaving no trace-Wipe it out-Destroy every memory? I admit it sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? But choosing that path is never a sure bet there could come a time where it will be back with you biting at your ankles. Suddenly tolerance seems the only action that can be taken.

But there is another action that will bear far more fruit; we should never feel that all we ever had through life was our abuse. It took me many years to be able to pullback the curtains just to take a little peek beyond my abuse; that’s where I found to my delight that there were good memories to be found they were simply lost within the circus. From that day forward I began looking for solid ground that I could build on. It’s a little scary out there because for a moment within that time, you find yourself without the anchor that everyone needs to feel safe. The reality check is that you were never safe because the ground beneath you has always been rocky; it seems at times we feel that what we know is safer than the unknown no matter how fearful the right there and then seems. 


There is a metaphor that comes to mind here quite readily – Keep both feet on the ground have they ever tried that when the ground beneath you is so unstably…………



An unforeseen accident can happen to any one of us which requires that we head towards the medicine cabinet to pull out a plaster or a bandage, and maybe even a visit to the hospital to get patched up. We feel a little sorry for our self we may even revel in it a little it’s nice to feel cared for even if we play the old soldier for a little too long but soon enough we heal and get back to living our lives. We may even have a battle scar that we proudly exhibit so that everyone gets to see just how injured we were. That, of course, depends on the person or the child and both my grandsons and granddaughter know just how to play me within that to its full effect. It seems that sweets and fizzy drinks will heal all and I want them to get better right? Well, that’s the question I am asked often.

These cuts graze bumps and bruises are visible and although they may be a little painful at the time they will soon be forgotten, we don’t need to hold on to it there is no real purpose or reason for doing so. It will for sure happen again somewhere in the future life is full of trips and falls which we would rather avoid. That’s just how life is but we pick our self up brush our self down and normal activity resumes because the pain we felt was sudden and unexpected, they will heal over and our bruises and bumps will disappear and if we are lucky they leave no trace evidence.

But what I’m here to talk about today is a world apart from the above if only that were the extent of the pain felt by an abused child. For the purpose of this exercise, I’m going to use a jigsaw puzzle as a point of reference whilst engaging with you today, the many emotions within us that are so completely fragmented, that separation deep within us, and just how we can change that mindset and work towards our recovery. Our open wound will never completely disappear and we will spend year after year trying to apply that plaster only for it to be painfully ripped away time after time. Even when we feel stronger we know that there will be another bad day coming our way, unfortunately, maybe that’s a mindset but we are proved to be correct time after time. Our abuse is part of us and it always will be in varying degrees so the medicine cabinet will never really aid us.

We have to find a different way and become masters of selection and learn the art of compartment, yes that bad day seems to be a frequent visitor so where do we need to go to find our healing? The answer was never going to be an easy one our child abuse and its effect upon us can’t just disappear but it can be altered in the way that we perceive it. In time we can all learn to control that which we already know which is far more than we have ever expressed to another, we have always kept something back because that’s our safe space. Our mind is so much stronger than we imagine in truth we have for many years been carrying two sets of emotions i.e. whom we seem to be externally and our damaged child internally and that takes enormous strength. Maybe it will always be that way but we can’t wipe our memory or the pain that it creates that would be like painstakingly piecing together a 1000 piece jigsaw whilst blindfolded.

We can never hide or forget the past or have our memory altered and why should we it’s integral to us and if you remove a section it alters the whole, it may sound like a good thing if we were able, but in truth, it couldn’t help but disturb the balance that we have spent years achieving. What’s needed is a change to our thought process and the end of our separation from our inner child, because if that separation has never been addressed it will remain the place where our residual pain sits. It’s so important to know that until we find a way of coexisting with our thoughts feelings and emotions we can never become as one, so we learn to control our exchanges until the time where we are mostly able to stand together as one. OK, there’s no mistaking that at times we really won’t get along and what the other is feeling expressing or imposing upon us will seem so completely alien.

During this time it may seem to others that we have become a little distant but that’s fine and I’ve learned through life that what others see really doesn’t matter, they can’t enter that place within us there is only room for two and at times that may feel like it’s one too many. But when it’s time and if we are ever going to make that change then we must at least be looking at the same jigsaw, even if at times we may argue as to where we should start or who place’s each piece where it’s needed and it may end up in total destruction! Here we go again on our knee’s searching for those scattered segments. But it doesn’t have to stay that way the more we practice going within the exchange becomes a little easier and in time we will find that well-earned compromise.

We will find that our processing becomes a little smoother that we are in control more than ever before even if we slip back a little it’s expected, or we seem to be taking three right turns when in fact it was only one left turn that was required. We are learning to coexist because neither of us should need or want the other to leave we are just in a different place’s right now, and yes it’s scary when we decide to make this adjustment buts it’s achievable.

Counselling is so very important when we move towards recovery it may take many years until we feel strong enough to stand alone and complete but in time we will. When we are nearing that place we alone will need to insert that last puzzle piece because it’s part of our recovery and we have to feel strong enough to do so. It’s now within our grasp whilst in the past we were so often found scrambling around on the floor within a search of desperation, where is it? When we finally come together as one in love forgiveness and with complete acceptance our jigsaw will be complete.

That’s the time that our wound heals over and the scar it leaves behind is nothing less than beautiful……

Interview with NAASCA

I was completely honoured to appear on NAASCA radio show last night and to be able to talk directly to other child abuse survivors even though they live across the pond. I myself live in the UK and NAASCA are situated in the US and represented internationally. I was very humbled to be asked to be their UK representative and a direct port of contact. Also in the very near future the UK ambassador officially representing NAASCA when they expand globally. My involvement in this venture will add to their reach of support for so many others around the world. They also requested me to write directly on their website as often as possible as a guest author reaching those that have yet to find their own path. Extended support is something that I am passionate about and it will allow me to stretch my wings a little further.

NAASCA webisite below

http://www.naasca.org/

Copy and paste the words below to a search engine for a direct link to my interview or visit the NAASCA website.

Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) – 2020

As We Become One

I would like us to consider our inner child today and their right to be within to be part of us and accepted, It’s so easy to forget that without them we would never have made it this far without any doubt. It’s easier to think that they are the weaker part of our being but in truth, they have had to be so immensely strong whilst alone for longer then we have been with them within union. I feel it’s time that we recognise just what they have done for us throughout our journey asking only of the smallest requests which we then at times choose to ignore. Just think about that for a moment for all intents and purposes it must have been a very harrowing empty and frightful place for them. We ourselves have tasted that place even if infrequently seeing only a segment of their pain before getting the hell out of there and then avoidance becomes the rule of the day.

When we then reach a place of that merger it will be for sure without much elegance but we need to understand they have been holding us up for so many years, so do we reach a decision that they are no longer needed? I can’t think of anything more disturbing or completely untrue if not somewhat ungrateful. We asked them in childhood to take on these atrocities fears and nightmares, without the realisation of just what that meant for them and what that separation would mean. We must also recognise that at that time we had no other choice our outward child would have never survived unless we had, but it was forced separation and subsequently they had all those years of pain in front of them until we reached a point of trying to coexist. They have always been an integral part of us but carrying that weight alone they were never given any escape route, or a backdoor to flee through whilst we enter and retreat at will when it’s too painful to stay.

It’s so easy to blame them for all of our mistakes whilst on our separate journey but that is untruthful, mistakes were made by both parties and neither of us was feeling safe or held. The hardest thing we will ever do is to combine because it can’t help but to be a collision, and neither of us will feel at first that this becoming whole will ever work and just who would be lost? It can be somewhat likened to the clash of the Titans both feeling as if we are gods of war and maybe that’s just what’s needed. In truth, this will be the hardest fight you will ever encounter war hammers being thrown in every direction, we both seem to feel as if there needs to be a clear winner and happy to destroy the other in doing so.

Why this happens is so very complicated because within that reunion we are met with so many emotions that neither of us has as yet experienced together. We feel out of control as the thunder rolls and the lightning flashes all around us, and for sure the ground is cracking open beneath us as those thundering blows continue with huge impact exposing our weakness to the other. There can only be one true winner right? Conception and completeness at birth are long forgotten at that moment in time there is only survival.

Our inner child has never been very good at listening to their elder but it never fails to mimic them as any child would but not really knowing how there are so many emotions that they have never experienced and it’s enormously overwhelming. We don’t seem to have any control whatsoever over their actions at that time resulting in complete devastation, as cause and effect clash with the end result that would be envied by any Kraken and emanated by the god of war Aries. Any attempt to bring back any order will seem completely impossible without the help of those gods, with no clue as to how to repair the damage that lays stricken before us as we each attach blame to the other. It will seem unbelievable to us that so much damage can be caused in so little time, we are left with the prospect of trying to right our wrongs and the realisation that it may not even be achievable. At that precise section of time the gods are now abstaining their hands in the air as if they had not aided our complete breakdown at all! But through it we now stand as one.

This long waited of coming together was so very difficult but we have now reached a truce and no longer do we need to provide for each other separately. Ironically at that moment we stand naked from all emotion and feeling so extremely empty within. With it comes the realisation that although yes we are now complete it had a cost. Neither of us could have stopped what had just taken place we just couldn’t because it was a journey into the unknown. It had taken so long to reach that place of acceptance of each other without judgement but the battlefield of emotions we leave in our wake is terrifying, and our prayer’s to the almighty god Zeus proves fruitless. As he now seems to be sitting on his hands whilst Ares seems to be admiring his art at destruction.

Positivity can be taken even at that point of emptiness because when you’re so completely lost you have no other choice than to find yourself, but it may just have cost us dearly in a completely different aspect. The god of love Eros has let lose our hearts to the outer world to enable us to find the love within and there is no greater love than of one’s self. But to live in love with another there is no greater emotion felt and the oddity is that our capacity to love outwardly is now greater than ever. We have been through life questioning ourselves and those around us but it’s only now that we know the truth, and are to prepared to give that which we have always questioned our capacity to love in unity.

I’m not really sure what to tell you here because within our realisation we have it seems to become very much involved with Pax the god of peace well at least within us, at the same time reaching out to the Greek god Harmonia the god of harmony and concord but it seems that she has lost her touch. Just how do we put right the wrong that we had plundered in to? Right there and then we have no clue we can’t even ask our inner child because that separation is no more we stand alone now within our choices.

We are left in a state of bewilderment without the power available to those much praised and powerful gods. When we have people in our life at that time of going through this huge adjustment we can lose sight of them as we are forced into negotiation within, and we can create a world of pain for them without intention. I’m truly not sure that it could have been avoided because we were within a sea of pain during that time ruled by the Greek god Poseidon, as we now find ourselves praying to the god of regret Hades. Hades was also the god of the underworld and the ruler of the dead and it’s quite fitting because we have indeed reached a death-the death of the separation within us. The only thing possible is to hope that Minerva the god of wisdom and understanding will come to our aid, without it there is no real apology that will cover that which we can’t change or explain around journey we have just taken.

It’s important to understand that the loss we are addressing here is two-fold or even three i.e. you and that child within and of course there could be that significant other they will also feel that loss. But all will become clear within your journey if clear is even a word we can use here when everything around us is anything but during that time. For sure there will be a loss within us when our broken souls merge because both sides will need to leave something behind, it will be unavoidable there will be aspects where we differ greatly and things that the other won’t tolerate. This will change as we learn how to act within that oneness until it is no longer felt and we act as one, yes sacrifices will have to be made by each but in time we will arrive at disarmament.

I’d like to say that it will not be the same for all of us and in truth it isn’t everyone journey is different and personal to us, but we will all have to encounter this journey at some point. Because when there is no unity within and that’s what we are striving for how could we ever avoid it? We have reached a place of truth aided by the goddess Veritas, and we have no other choice but to realise that we are standing within truthfulness and at peace. At that time of our new beginning, all we can do is to reach out to the god of healing Asclepius, for both ourselves and for the people that may have been harmed during our transition. There may be many more than we realise because during that time the only clear interaction is happening where others can’t go, even if there were space which clearly there isn’t they are safer not to follow us at this time of enhanced emotions.

It seems that we had to let go of everything before we could even contemplate picking up anything new, and our only defence is that without clear thought we couldn’t see clearly. Our pain seemed to consume us to a point of selflessness and anger even our actions may have seemed a little insane for a period of time. I am reminded here of the proverb that we only hurt the one we love but we may have just taken it to a completely different level but maybe that is why? although completely unfair maybe it feels as if we have some degree of safety or understanding when we reach a place of complete collapse, and before we are able to complete our journey sorry will seem to be so extremely empty when we visualise just how much damage we may have created and we will, without doubt, will not be spared we will have our share.

But in truth what can we say? As we recover from that happening and the painful realisation of the emotions we may have tread upon, without being able to control that happening hearts will be broken to include our own which is suddenly so clearly evident. Sadly on emerging into our now reality there may only be two things that we will still have hold of acceptance and ownership, but it can’t hurt to offer up a prayer to the goddess Charis for her beauty nurturing nature and capacity for forgiveness. Our future is indeed now in the lap of those gods but we must hold on to the fact that we won’t need to make that journey again, it was a once in a lifetime deal which once struck there was no retreat we were within it until we found a way out together.

All of the above I’ve used for the purpose of literary connection, but in essence, this experience for many is reminiscent and in time it will be recognised by others. It’s a journey for many that they still have yet to make and we will all become that child at that moment, unable to cope or control any emotion as we are drawn within before we are able to emerge as that adult in recovery. The question begging is why? Maybe it’s because our inner child can’t make it out on their own unless we return to the playground and stay long enough to close the gate behind us, there will be so much pushing and pulling on our emotions that anything is plausible whilst feeling that we are trying to deal with the impossible.

I guess if we are to believe in god or spirit then why not all gods however mythical? Today it has served me as an aid to writing this piece whilst struggling with the transference of my emotions because this is a journey I have already taken so I know it well. We travelled back to the time of mythology in a hope of being able to explain the extreme happenings with more vigour and just how extreme our emotions will become. We have reached back into the past today to a time where everything would have been so very different but I’m sure that child abuse has always been prevalent, time may have moved on but it seems that the world is still plagued with these atrocities. Each day as it arrives there will be someone new standing just where I placed my feet not so very long ago and they will be held there because it’s their time.

When faced with this offer of union however difficult take it now it’s your time because there may not be a second time of asking…………….

Upcoming Interview

Please see below for the information of my upcoming radio show with the NAASCA (National association of adult survivors of child abuse) I first spoke with Bill some years ago now and I look forward to our renewed conversation. This organisation helps so many and work so extremely hard to give their support which is greatly needed. Please see the information with regards to the show below. I will post a direct link here once the show has come to an end and available on request through podcast the show will run live for 90 minutes.

Show description once available on podcast

Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) – 2020 — special guest Teresa Joyce– Fri, 11/30/18

Tonight’s special guest is Teresa Joyce from the UK, a returning NAASCA family member, author of “There’s a Fine Line” which she says is a true story that ranges over a period of many years. Teresa explains the book, “covers the first married years of my mother’s life, and the abuse she received from my now deceased father.” Sadly, hardship just seemed to follow her around. Some years later she remarried, but unfortunately this union would “tear her once more into tiny pieces.” Teresa explains she would spend many years hating not only herself, but everything around her. She swore to herself that she would leave all this behind at the first possible occasion. “The impact of sexual abuse varies from child to child for many the damage is enormous,” she says, “with the impact still being felt into adulthood affecting all aspects of their life.” Teresa continues, “Working through the memories of childhood abuse is painstaking work it will never happen overnight. But if we are ever going to be tested in our lives then this is one of the biggest test of all.” Ms Joyce explains, “We learn to process the memories that we remember as and when we can, because those traumatising memories are not always remembered all at once on a conscious level. In truth it’s your mind that is protecting you from confronting all those painful memories all at once. You will remember more when you are ready and able. With remembrance and time you find that you are working towards and able to see that positive outcome that can be yours. This is the right way – the one where you say to all that you alone stopped abuse in its tracks. Once you reach that feeling of completion you will understand fully – that yes it is indeed your life.”

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/NAASCA

8pm EST US time on Friday the 30th on November

There will come a time where we will all be as free as the above picture dictates it truly is just a matter of time, but sadly at times it is also accompanied by loss which was never intended which brings with it remorse. It’s fair to say that if we ever reach a place in our live’s where we feel that we know everything that’s the time when we realise that maybe we know nothing. Recovery from abuse can be like that it’s a journey that we are not trying to forget because we can never make it go away but we can take it to a place where it no longer dictates our live’s.

However hard we try until it’s completion our journey is incomplete…….

We Never Stop Learning

I try to post at least once or twice per month for both myself and others but I am finding myself drawn to my keyboard so often at present, I could tell you that there is a lot going on inside my head of late and that would be completely truthful. For the first time in my nearly sixty years, I feel free, free of the weight I had pulled along behind me since I was a child. For all of us, there comes a time where we find peace and we feel that at last, we matter. If I’m going to be truthful I am really getting in touch with my emotions, emotions that were so very deep within so much was unearthed! Who would have thought that it would take me this long? Anyway, that’s enough about me.

We go through a range of emotions as time passes and we are never too old to learn those lessons in a place that we have long been trying to avoid. Only a short time ago I was pushed back into a place where I could no longer hold on to that which I thought I had closed the door on. Circumstance pushed me there and I had no choice but to bend to the will of my emotions. I never thought that I needed to revisit that place but in truth, I had to complete my transition, although I had long ago thought that it was a place that I was already in! Wow, life can really surprise us at times and they are not always welcome ones. Sorry me again!

So how and when do we stop learning to feel and be affected by our emotions? We don’t just how staid would our life be if we came to a place of sedation and where there is no more to learn or feel? It may sound peaceful even wished for but the truth is without life’s challenges we would never reach into those emotions that we really need to feel. Unfortunately, we can’t hand pick which emotion arrives or if it may be life-shattering because life chooses for us so we can never just sit back on our laurels. Wherever we are taken on that journey there is always a way back, eventually, and a way to pick up the pieces that will be presented in front of us resembling our life’s jigsaw.

Understanding that you can still do well and recover after experiencing a bad journey is a realisation that comes to us all if we look hard enough-nothing either starts ends begins or happens unless we try and trying is something we are world class at. Even if done so humbly or begrudgingly with acceptance, we have to complete that particular journey now because its time and time won’t wait. Lessons can be painful not only for the receiver but also for the giver sometimes without knowledge, our lives are not only shaped by our experiences but by our relationships with those that we love or loved.

We should never ask that of somebody that we wouldn’t ask of ourselves and this lesson may not be intended for you alone. In essence, we are contributing to that lesson far more than we realise we have reached a catalyst that we can no longer ignore, and we can’t or won’t move past it until our learning takes place and that journey has been completed to whatever end. Ignoring these lessons will only mean that they will need to be repeated, but there comes a time where they are seen for what they really are, life and the complicated issues or experiences that are the makeup of who we are and all of mankind.

Our difficulty is that along with what life throws at us we have to reconcile the conflict within which makes it far more difficult, and the lesson has to be experienced and digested by two. That other part of you at times completely takes over and so our actions or reactions are distorted and at times explainable why? Our interactions will always be the child protecting its self and the adult not understanding the choices made by that child. To rectify the lesson has to be learnt by the merging and the understanding of the actions taken whilst apart trying to protect ourselves in conflict, if we have any chance of becoming complete and as one softness is much needed here not judgement and at times we make all the wrong choices whilst trying to integrate.

Ego paenitet, ego eram tenens puer meus- it sounds so much better in latin but heartfelt within any dialogue………….

Ես անկեղծորեն ներողություն եմ խնդրում այստեղ ձեր ծնված լեզվով

Denial

We all smile right? But do we or is it what is expected of us? It’s a hell of a question that we are faced with and a practised art that we are expert at, no one would ever know that deep inside we are anything other than smiling. We have become so completely apt that we would fit right into any drama class available and instantly become a star pupil; we would be offered the top spot of the lead without even breaking a sweat. We are praised for our ability to quick study that script and just how quickly we can pick up our lines, people are in awe when we arrive on stage with an exact precision never missing a curtain call whilst making it all look so simple.

We would be at ease as the clown in the big top entertaining the audience who are rolling in the aisles as we perform for their amusement, we are viewed with obeisance and our appearance is that we belong nowhere else that we were born to it. Our tricks viewed with canned laughter arriving just at the right time as we amuse within our practised act, it seems without any effort at all we know just when to deliver our punch line, and just when that crazy car we are sitting in should collapse beneath us.

OK, in truth we are just going along with the flow because that’s what we know how to do best, we are controlling our real emotions never letting others see inside of us where we are scattered with turbulence. Allow them to see the effort that this ruse is taking from us that’s not an option, denial is our way to disrupt clear thought and we hope to fool the onlooker. If they would see the truth that our acting is just that-acting denial would be there front and centre, and it’s so easy to paint on that smile, after all, it’s just makeup. We have continued on in this rehearsed lifestyle for so long that it seems that we can even convince ourselves but why do we? Answer-the act the makeup and our artificial life we are living is so much easier than to hold on to the truth, the truth means that we have to do something and we have no idea what that is or what to do first.

As we hideaway from our emotions using our denial for ourselves it also seems that we even invite others to do so, we have in fact become people pleasers without really recognising it. Somewhere along the line they have become the ones in control as we agree and deny ourselves our choices, with very little space in which to do anything other so once again why? Have we not already been within denial most of our lives being denied that which should have been giving freely and subject to another’s control? Until we can make our own choices we are never going to be free. Until we can love to be and live openly in our own skin able to express our true emotions without allowing judgement, we are stuck for eternity in a place where we have placed ourselves is that not a little ironic?

These words echo in my head often because I know that place and I know just how it feels to be stuck there by my very own actions or were they? That’s another question. It took me a long time to realise that special something arrived in my life that was life-changing, and that I was never going to make that change by pretending that it never happened. I had to make my own choices and yes that could be disastrous or the complete opposite, but I’d never know if the only road I could only walk was not in the direction of my choice. Of course by the time I or we reach there with complete realisation it may already be too late, It’s a sadness that we will hold within for a lifetime and so very painful on visiting. But hey it’s fine yes? Because there is our denial arriving on cue and just when we need it, we know that emotion like no other at times all we do is live within it.

I walk down that familiar road often and I now recognise that the advice I’d been giving was never really followed by the giver because the advice they gave me was, in essence, was that I should keep denying. It would or never could have an effect on their lives I was following their script, not mine, and I was the one left with the outcome of my denial.

It all sounds a little heavy right? Believe me, it’s a load that I have now put down without any help from my wise advisers, because it’s so very easy for them to look at us outwardly not seeing us within. When they push us to that place of denial they have no problem at all getting out again, they just leave us with their good intentions or advice not really caring that it’s the right advice and why should they? It was never going to affect them but it had a huge impact on our lives as we feel that we have to live by their direction.
Denial can be fatal when we aren’t true to ourselves-denial can be destructive when we walk the line that others have drawn for us-denial will never allow us to come to terms with our abuse and make those changes so greatly needed-denial of our emotions will and does deny us from ever really finding happiness. Life takes time to get it right and its hard work for your abused child living in our adult body, because all of the above is so way above their head that we have to act for them or leave them for the dead which is no choice at all.

Expect to be questioned moralised and looked at quizzically as if you have totally lost your mind, but the truth is you have only just found it, because when it comes down to the wire you will need to live with those choices, as they quietly disappear into the background. It’s strangely odd when you first start listening to that unpractised mind it’s somewhat like you have suddenly found a stranger hidden within, but it’s no stranger it’s the voice you should have been listening to always with love and affection and recognition. It’s the only one that matters and it’s the one where denial no longer exists, and we are free just to be and act on our own emotions feelings and our own truths.

We really have no place here in life when the direction from another is all that we follow, and our reactions are based on what they think we should do, so do we follow blindly? Quietly walk away from life’s asked questions because we are not capable of standing alone? Well, I guess that’s life but it’s so very far from living. I don’t know about you but I’m a little tired of all these questions? No more so than when I am constantly questioning myself.

Denial is somewhere that we will never be free of if our choices aren’t our own-have we not lived long enough within this denial? For so long I didn’t think that I could hold on to the truth it was just too painful so denial ruled, but I’m still here and living the life that has opened up for me in so many ways. By accepting and wanting something different that was my own choice I have found love within my heart, which had been lost to me because when you deny it’s the full package we don’t get to pick and choose.

The only life that we are sure of is the one in which we are living right now no matter our beliefs, and it’s the only one in which we should not lose our right to belong and loved. So should we deny those things that we know to be true when we are questioned with regards to our choices? Today was a ground marking day for me and I’ve spent most of it alone with my thoughts, and really looking at the past advise given to me, because however well-intentioned I had to bear the cost of repeating myself over and over they were never my choices.

Should we not be saying I choose whom I love and I choose whom I wish to spend time with; I choose to follow my heart even if I hit a brick wall which falls down without foundation. What’s important here is that we are choosing and not being dictated to or pushed into that place of denial, because if that wall falls we will be the only one beneath it, good intentions mean nothing, even if that were their intentions.
It seems that some believe that because we were abused we make unsafe decisions, which have no foundation in which to build anything on and I so very strongly disagree. We’ve lived our life without any foundation and nothing more but sheer audacity at times. Talking to you here today I have for the most taken control over my abuse and I’m grateful for that, but it seems that on some level, I still care that I am seen to be doing the right thing but the right thing for whom? More questions. It’s been a strange day for me and I haven’t felt this knocked off course for many years so nothing is foolproof, and there are still some unexpected shadows within me that I have to experience as yet, I am still creating that learning curve one day at a time.

I don’t always get it right even half of the time by far because I’m human, and we humans could learn a thing or two from man’s best friend. Maybe that’s the reason that I feel so completely at home with them, free never judging they just want to be with us and along for the ride. They never expect anything other than the truth and shared emotion, without expectation love and compassion to give without receiving. Denial is a human emotion and I can’t help but think that we have a lot to learn from our four-legged friends.

Solely thinking for myself If only I had a dog’s life………

Words that move us

Whist sitting down to write last night a song came on the radio and it really touched me deep within I guess its because that’s how I feel right now after my resent news and where I am in my life at present. It touched me so very deeply that I would like to share it with you. I am sure that the lyrics to this song are something we can all completely relate to.

I am recovering
The faith of a child
By part of my heart
I was reckless and wild
I am recovering
The hope that I lost
The part of my soul
That paid the cost

Little by little
Day by day
One step at a time
Shake off the devil
Take back my piece of mind

I am recovering
Anxiety addict
A broken perfectionist
Somewhat erratic
I am recovering
A constant regetter
Hold it against her
At least till forever

Little by little
Day by day
One step at a time
Shake off the devil
Take back my peace of mind

Hold me
As I fall apart
babe
Hold me
Here in the dark
Cause the old me
Run just as far as I could from my heart
Well I’m going back to the start

Little by little
Day by day
One step at a time
Shake off the devil
Take back my piece of mind
Tell her I love her
Take back my piece of mind

Battle of realignment

Well let’s start by saying that we are about to enter into a conflict that we have never experienced when we approach this subject and it will create a gigantic open wound that could compare to the effects of surviving an atom bomb, on entering that place we need to be completely sure that it is approached with our minds being completely open and prepared and lying to ourselves will have no place there. This can be with the support of someone highly skilled in this matter because when that bomb goes off we can become completely overwhelmed. But it’s important to realise that the most qualified person to approach this situation is without any doubt us why? No one else knows our inner child more than ourselves. Yes we should take direction from those that offer it but ultimately the resounding decision to embark on this transition is ours no one else can make this choice for us, we alone can settle and hold our outer being before we enter that place ultimately it’s up to us to find that confidence which happens when we are within a space that we feel we have some control of there may be many retreats to regroup but that’s OK. It’s a completely different matter dealing with our daily abuse knowledge we recognise it because we are used to holding ourselves at that moment but when we reach back into that dark remembered hidden place it’s a completely different situation. Make no mistake we will need to be the one with the ability to enter and release ourselves at that moment in time when we are on the outside looking within. It has to be our choice to delve into a war of remembrance and to deal with the after-effects of the explosion after the desolation and still have the strength to stay there. We will find so many pieces of the life we have lived until now along with that which we chose not to remember as a child all around us and we will have no choice but to pick it up, our child is carrying so much hurt and pain that they can’t help but drop because they are already holding more than they are able to so we have to be strong enough to deal with both sets of emotions. When we enter this place during our realignment we will have no other choice but to lighten their load, after all, they have been holding it for us and from us for so many years embracing our emotions without choice, we have until now existed separately but we will never win this battle without standing face to face on that front line both looking and hoping for a cease-fire and a real understanding of what the other has endured.

Walking back in time in our minds and embracing our pain is for us an extremely brave move which is worthy of any medal being pinned on our chest, and it takes a huge amount of strength and determination to enter that place without any military training whatsoever. During this time its effects will be felt on every level as we try to untangle all those years of suppression and separation to look squarely into the face of that other part of us we will both be in the trenches edging our heads out of the rabbit hole and trying desperately not to get shot in the process. There will be plenty of skirmishes and we will not escape without taking a few bullets but the only other option would be not to try and we are not able to be a conscientious objector if we are ever to be in with a chance of emerging victorious and complete. In essence, our separated souls need to come together and I know that’s an odd thing to say but until this point, that’s just how it is, and I don’t have any greater explanation nor am I able to give a deeper insight just the knowledge of the journey I have made. Within my journey, I had to blend completely with my inner child and take most of the weight upon my shoulders because the other is a child and that’s what grownups do right? Well yes, but at that time I felt so completely vulnerable when I first met my child face to face and maybe that was how it was supposed to be, how could she rise to my level of being I had never let her I’d placed those emotions and memories there so very long ago because I was myself at that time an abused terrified child and I just couldn’t hold on to them. I had created this separation as that child I had to do so if I were ever able just to be and stay within this world and I’m sure that it’s the same for everyone, we had to survive so the deeper we pushed these experiences the better, in essence, we chose to close off that part of our brain.
Being inside of our own head can be so very difficult even in the here and now so trying to deal with our memories in totality is a huge ask but it’s a direction and journey that only we can take, we have to go back there and start to make a dent in the task before us and no longer practice total avoidance why? Until we do peace will avoid us for a lifetime. I guess it’s a little like requesting that we meet in no man’s land where we are both in a place that’s completely neutral. Whilst there we will, unfortunately, need to be reacquainted with those disturbing memories and relive the pain of their reality, those things that we had placed within on this unknown battlefield but if we can find our way to this neutral ground before the first shots are fired that in its self is a victory. No one wants to go to war why would they? But some battles can only be won by engaging and it’s a fight that we alone have the insight to be able to have any chance of conducting the strategy required for that much-needed truce.

If we take the time to prepare ourselves for whatever situation we may find ourselves in then the battle is already half won and we enter into the battle on our own terms and not dragged along kicking and screaming, it’s so important that we don’t feel pushed or pulled in any direction by our opponent-our child or those around us and that we are on solid ground in which we are able to stand firm. Our opponent in truth is our child and you may ask why I would refer to this union as war? Well, we are at war because our child is too afraid to let go of what they are carrying because if they do how do they exist? They believe that we’re not capable of holding any part of it we could never do so before to prove a point and what is this becoming one? The only way we will ever completely create this union is if we convince our inner child that it can be different because they don’t want to give up the fight even though they are buckling under it from the sheer weight. Their fight is to stay buried undisturbed within that dark place because no man’s land is to completely barren open and unsafe so they are staying put. The war is between them holding on and afraid of trying anything other and we trying to achieve and take hold of that which we know is needed to achieve that merge towards recovery. All wars aren’t obvious to those around us or visible to another because life for an abused child-recovering adult it can never be that way, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less of a war and one of the hardest battles we will encounter in our lifetime. There comes a time where we have to bring that child into our world and the present we can’t forever keep them in that world of pain its way past time that they joined us in the now, in truth the war that we don’t think we can win is the only one worth fighting for and so very fruitful changing our memoirs of the future.

It’s our job it has to be to take that child to a place where they feel safe for them to trust that we will stand there with them behind that wall of smoke after the explosion of that joining, and yes we may disturb the battle ruins further creating a larger cloud of smoke which leaves us both at that time without clear vision. But the smoke will clear if we stand there long enough in a united front holding each other and sharing these experiences for the first time in our lives, it’s a little odd and we will make mistakes because we all do but once we achieve this union we will never be alone again its different now we have two sets of hands, and the other will assuredly pick up that which we may drop on this journey for the first time in our lives we have backup that we can trust and we are as one. Throughout my journey and to that place of peace I was left with the knowledge that whoever had helped me along this road towards recovery in the past the only one that really mattered was deep inside of me.

I know that in time we can all face that inevitable battle of realignment why? This is so very far from being our first skirmish…………………

Out of body experience or journey into the hell of my sub-consciousness? Take 2

This is the second time of posting this piece I first posted it in January of 2015. I was asked to forward it to an organisation to add to their itinerary but it seems that the experience that night continues to baffle me, on looking for it within my website it was nowhere to be found! Luckily I had saved it on a memory stick so all was not lost. But it seems that the plot thickens within that incompletely insane journey that I took and I still can’t untangle what happened although my mind continues to make reference to it often……..

I sit here today in front of my computer with no understanding of the place that I visited six nights ago. If I’m honest as yet I still can’t find any learning that I have acquired from it. It will it seems take me a while to try to loosing this knot before I even attempt to undo the whole. I will put down here everything within my memory with regards to my journey and its contents. That said it will be as well as I am able at this moment in time. My conclusion that I hope to arrive at is one I am still struggling to acquire, but I am hoping it’s a work in progress. As always it’s for you to arrive at your own conclusion.

I remember going to bed I was really tired and in a lot of pain which is ever present for me. What happened in between to the point to where I awoke I will depict below.

Where am I? All around me there is the fun of the fun fair the colours are so bright and vivid. Stalls in every direction rides for as far as the eye can see, people milling around happy it seems with all that surrounds them. Roller coasters dipping and diving with their seats filled to the brim. But its silent- all around me, I can see the rides I can see the lips of the people moving as they pass me by-but silence. I find myself standing at the front of a queue waiting to board the roller-coaster as it comes to a complete standstill. I lift my leg to board but the entrance is blocked before me, no matter how hard I try I can’t lift my leg high enough to succeed. People are pushing me from behind it would seem telling me to board but I’m unable. I try to tell them that I can’t hear them but they clearly don’t understand. I can’t move away from the front of the queue my legs just won’t move in that direction. I put out my hand to hold on to the side of the ride but my hand just goes straight through it. I adjust my grip to a different area but nothing around me is solid. Once more I try to lift my leg only to feel a shooting pain as if I had hit my shin; I keep trying leaning forward but I fall and the pain registers as I hit the ground. This situation seemed to continue on for it seemed like hours, me trying to get on the ride and the solid contact with the ground. Until at my last point of trying just as I am about to give up I was allowed to board. I sit down holding on to my leg trying to nurse the pain that I was feeling as the ride shoots away taking me with it.

Around and around we go stopping at different destinations for people to get on and off board. My head is hurting such pressure and pain it feels as if it is about to explode, that noise is confusing me where was it coming from? It wasn’t close enough to identify. But in that real space and time, the silence was deafening. I can’t stay here but it’s as if there are some invisible hands firmly holding me down. I can’t take any more of this feeling of oppression at the next stop I’m getting off. We stop and I make my way to the exit door to leave behind this roller-coaster from hell, but no matter how I try I can’t get off. Everything solid is moving around me swaying from side to side like its reacting to the sound of music that I just can’t hear. Everything I touch just becomes jelly as my hand is engulfed with it. Over and over I try to embark but they keep changing the height of the entrance door I just can’t seem to step high enough. I am once more aware of the people around me exasperated that I am holding them up but I can’t do anything. I try to talk to them once more to explain but it seems that they can’t hear my voice, and they are still mute to me whilst their lips are still visibly moving. I fall the pain registers as I hit the ground I try to get up but I can’t hold on nothings solid. I ask for help but everyone around me continues on as if I am not there. Eventually, I fall through the entrance landing hard hitting my head, and the taste of blood is rancid in my mouth. I hurt all over and I am now shivering with the cold. I look down at myself and all I have on is my nightshirt. I can’t understand why or how I had arrived there like this everyone else around me is fully clothed. Why would I have left home dressed like this?

I get up and look around me suddenly I can see faces in the crowd that I recognise but they pass me by as if I were not there. I then hear the barking of a dog I know that bark it’s my own dog Sparkle. She then appears from around the corner but not alone, as dog after dog just like her run towards me in different stages of growth. I bend to touch her head but my hand passes straight through it. But even as she sits before me I can still hear a barking and whining in the distance. I put my hands on my own head trying to understand what was going on all around me.

I find myself screaming at the top of my voice whilst the ground is moving beneath me, someone else is screaming and the voice is so familiar was it me? Once more I fall jarring myself badly as I hit the floor, but I just lay there in the street as all seem to pass me by. I get up and wander around aimlessly looking for a place that I recognise a doorway back to reality where I could leave this place and return home. It all seems so real or is it’s a dream that I just can’t wake from? I shake my head whilst firmly slapping at my face willing myself out of this nightmare but to no avail. I wander around but nothing seems real, somewhat like a fun house everywhere is just so colourfully and I am drawn to its magnitude. People are laughing clearly in the throes of great fun as I walk among them and I find myself trying to fit in. But I am lost to them as I walk along like the pied piper as the various sizes of Sparkle run alongside of me. Suddenly it occurs to me that I must be dead is this what the hereafter looks like? If that were so then I had to accept my end, but why I was being excluded from the fun going on around me? Why was I being shut into a place of complete silence? I sit down on the ground going into complete shutdown no longer caring anymore where I was or where I was going.

A ride arrives in front of me like an explosion how it arrived I have no clue? Someone is holding the door of the roller-coaster open for me beckoning me towards it. I don’t want to get up because I know with certainty, that even if I tried they would not let me board. I look away in the other direction somehow accepting my fate. As my eye line changes so would the entrance of the roller-coaster, jumping as if by magic each time I turned to look in another direction. Shouted at them I say that I would no longer play their game whilst refusing to move now at all. People are offering me food and drink but when I try to take it they move it further away from me. I reach down to touch my toes and they are like ice in my hand, the kind that your skin sticks to in the deepest depths of winter. Once more when I try to stand I fall it’s as if I were an entity not able to touch anything around me without passing through it. I hurt all over my body and I am now shaking uncontrollably. So did I just sit there accepting that there was no way home? Then suddenly someone or something told me that I had to try just that once more. I stood up and walked towards the door being held open for me and stepped up, something was different they were allowing me to get on was this some kind of trick? I was waiting for the axe to fall with bated breath.

The ride started to move and I sat down on the floor looking around me for something to wrap myself in to try to keep warm. I then saw a blanket but when I tried to pick it up my hand just went straight through it. Someone opposite holds out a coat for me and I reach towards it only for it to disappear. I sit down again and hug my knees against me in complete abandonment- I just did not care anymore. As we arrive at the different stops people board whilst others get off until I’m finally alone. There I sat going around and around on this ride taking in all the dips and dives, by then totally uncaring if we will ever stop. Memories of the life I had lived came flooding into my mind as I recalled all the things that I had done with my life. But far more vivid were the things that were done to me, hell what did any of it matter now anyway? Suddenly the ride was slowing and I had a feeling of recognition creeping into my mind something was familiar. Trying to explain this feeling if I were reach out for the right words, maybe it was somewhat like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Everything around me was happening in slow motion.

Slowly I opened my eyes like I was emerging from a deep sleep to find myself sitting in the middle of my bathtub. As I look around the room the bathroom door was closed which is something I never do, and the bathroom was a wreck. The towel holder had been pulled off the wall and the towels strewn in all directions. All the bottles of bathroom sets that had been out on display had been thrown in every direction. The toilet roll had been completely unrolled across the floor, the bathroom cabinets were open their contents all around the room. I try to stand up but the pain in my back brought me back down again hard into the tub. My lip was hurting and as I reach to touch it with my finger I find a large swelling with the blood still wet around it. It’s at that point my attention is taken to the pain in my legs where I could visibly see the swelling and brushing. I felt as if I were sitting in an icebox unable to make it to my feet to get out of the tub. I crawl on to my knees and reach towards the side pulling myself up into a kneeling position. Slowly I managed to climb over the edge of the tub and on to the floor. I was then aware that it was light and that I had gone to bed at about 10pm the night before. The strangest thing of all is that this was the first night that I had attempted to go to my bed in over a year, because of the pain I live with daily on movement. Along with a few demons and nightmares that still frequent my dreams, which are out of my control or so it seems so why that night? Getting to my feet I open the door to find Sparkle curled up against it and she is so clearly glad to see me. I sit on the top of the stairs trying to make some sense of the journey that I had just made but to no avail. Where had I been and why did I go there? I only know that during that time I had seen the night pass me by and the day arrive within that space of time.

Wow at this point in time I find myself questioning my own sanity? Or am I just not aware of the significance of this profound event?

I am struggling a little here as to how I am able to end this piece because it was a real experience for me, with all the terrors and unexplained happenings throughout. But oddly somewhere deep inside of me, I know that it was a journey that I was destined to take. That in time there is real learning to be found here for me. The whys and where for’s right now I am still trying to unravel in all honesty. But it is what it is and that’s what I have to contend with until that slither of light comes shining through.

That said it’s not a journey that I ever hope to make again……………………..