Posted By teresa on April 4, 2012
Let’s explore the above heading a little together. You could be forgiven to think that surly this is something no one would ever do. What would be the point? Clearly I am not talking here about the act of lying; I’m sure that we have all been a little guilty of a white lie or two. If we really get into it here I am talking about living in a state of limbo. Unable to deal in the realms of the true you, because you feel if you were to do so you would never be able to deal with the emotions it would evoke. Some of the examples that may be given if we were to go take a look in a dictionary may read a little like this.
To live in a way that is dishonest because you are pretending to be something that you are not to yourself or to other people.
To spend your life as someone else
Faking or pretending
Letting sleeping dogs lie
Holding you cards very close to your chest
An outward show to the world of being the clown whilst so acutely aware that it’s all just an act
Fingers crossed we will be believed. After all we are the only person aware of the turmoil going on deep inside of us. And we are getting pretty good at ignoring that. Why did it even matter that the outward face you are showing to the world was so far from the truth? They believed that’s all you cared about right? The words rattling around in your head… It works for me. If we are ever challenged with regard to this falsehood we defend it venomously. But undoubtedly if you have ever even versed those words – it works for me – then clearly it isn’t or it doesn’t or it would never have been detectable by the person doing the questioning. The unequivocal truth is that it’s right there for all to see like a beacon hovering above our heads. The trouble with this train of thought is that you cannot allow yourself time to think. Consideration or attention cannot be given at all cost. But that is an easy thing to deal with; we just don’t give ourselves the time. So we charge along the road of space filling. Never spend too much time alone far too dangerous by half. For sure it would be an easy thing to do; there was work, evenings out, and holidays to arrange. You even start planning things way in to the future. Nothing could be left to chance. The worst thing that could happen would be to find you were all alone for more than a few hours, where you and the suppressed you are the only two people in the room. That you can’t deal with. An invitation for them to creep up behind us unnoticed. So once more we are back on the tread mill because no matter what they needed to stay put. We busy ourselves with someone else’s problems finding that easier to deal with then our own. Another space filled. As with so many of the issues I find myself writing about time crops up so often as being the enemy. All the above is something I recognise distinctly. It’s true to say that the many radio shows that I have been a guest on; the same has been echoed to me time after time.
So how do you deny you? Seems an odd thing to say but a statement I have heard many times. I have myself witnessed this in the not too distant past, but sadly I was unable to alter the circumstance surrounding that person at that time. The best I can hope for is that at some time in their future they embrace their past with courage. If we choose not to deal with our demons as we think of them they will only ever be one step behind us.
I was to find out many years later that in fact my act had never been believed. At that time in my life maybe that didn’t matter, so was it just that I had to think it was believable? These questions and many more were the reason that for so long I just denied me. Sleep always evaded me because in the dark the real you just won’t leave you alone. I would not sleep for days and then crash from the sleep deprivation. I am so very lucky to have now found myself in a place where I know the real me is all I have to be. My past my memories and all warts included. That same outcome for you is only a step towards faith away.
Many things are to be contributed to this situation, but in my experience it’s our past that keeps us in that loop of non acceptance. Acceptance really is the one thing we need to strive for, but it needs to be the acceptance of who we are. Far more importantly it needs to be acceptance of where we have been. Acceptance of the journey we should never have been made to take. We really need to understand that unless these issues are dealt with we will carry them through life always. They will continue to affect so many things within our lives. We can’t just ditch our past just how easy would that be! There is hard work to be done. Strive for those nights where you are happy to find yourself alone. Embrace all that you are because that’s enough. In doing so we have to believe that could be your very first tentative steps on the road to recovery, they don’t have to be strides just moving forward.
Crossing your fingers will never be as effective as moving on in your life with an open hand…..