A negative reaction will never be escaped by any of us because it’s a human response entangled within every aspect of our lives and we will never be able to second guess it’s arrival, it arrives without warning a deep penetrating emotion that creeps up from behind intent on defending either the situation that we are within or our pure desperation. One thing is for sure it’s completely unlike a pleasant reaction which leaves us feeling it’s warmth or gives us pleasure, it comes loaded with TNT a highly explosive fully charged defence mechanism, arising from our pain holding us in that place as each emotion ignites and dissension becomes the order of the day. Sparks are set to fly in every direction as our feelings seem to consume us completely our stance has changed into one of a complete defence, no longer can this situation be accepted and if that’s the case then we’ll be the one to act first right?
It starts with a rumble not really recognised for the devastation that it’s about to create but it’s something that we still have control over at that time because we are reasonably right? There will be no need for this feeling to hang around for too long as we exercise our control, we really do have hold of it and we remain in that place of peace and accord it was something over nothing. We are aware that it could have been obliterating but it has been sidestepped and avoided as we move on with our day, it was just another blip on the horizon which is now completely out of sight and our emotions at least this time have stayed firmly in check.
But what if it’s not? An angry within that seems uncontrollable begins to build a powerful emotion that as it rises multiples and we are completely overwhelmed by its magnitude, by the time we realise we are about to lose control it’s far too late this reaction has become far too great for the good of anyone concerned. We feel complete justification for the onslaught that’s about to escape and what’s more the longer we try to avoid it only results in it brimming over with more vigour, creating an immense exposition it’s become inevitably so now there really is no way back. At this point, we move from caring to not really caring at all our negative emotions have consumed everything, who is right or wrong in truth matters not at that point and in truth we are no longer listening to anyone to include our own self reasoning.
All we feel at that moment is the onslaught of the attack we feel is upon us or that deep pain that consumes us leaving us feeling lost and alone, whilst any margin of sense surrounding our control leaves us without warning our pain becomes uppermost. Within that place of pain or loss, we can never see the bigger picture because our vision is completely clouded by our emotions, the need to express just how we feel is far bigger than us at that moment in time and we are not too careful as to its deliverance because our pain has full control. What’s to come later doesn’t seem to matter our own pain is our only focus and we at that time have no idea of how to once more gain control, the pain that we may be creating during that time is not really being ignored there is just no room for it to be recognised. This, of course, is a temporary measure because with cause there will always be an effect but recognition of this fact right at that moment in time will be lost to us.
It’s a road that we have all travelled on I’m sure many times and it’s completely unpleasant for all concerned so just why do we continue to walk in that direction? For us being a survivor of child abuse we have our own set of reasons attached among the norm for others, they can be extremely complicated beyond doubt, as we strive to walk a different road than we’ve been on the one towards recovery so it creates uppermost devastation. Our negative reaction which pushes us into action is always felt as needed because we feel a direct assault upon who we are, whilst we are still within the act of trying to understand ourselves so you can clearly see it’s never going to be straightforward. Abuse affects so many areas of our adult life that at times it can be an uphill struggle, there has been so much negativity in our lives it’s so extremely difficult not to feel the need to defend where in truth no defence was required just understanding. Negativity is nothing new to us it’s like an old pair of slippers that although uncomfortable we can’t seem to them throw away, because even though they are that way how do we know that the new ones we purchase will even fit?
As human beings, we are social creatures and it seems that it’s important as to how other’s see us, although like those slippers this doesn’t fit for all, in truth, it’s far more important as to how we see ourselves. This is our struggle and the end result is that any negative action felt even if not meant or accidental it questions how we see ourselves, our overwhelming history needs no explanation, by pure default, there are so many situations that trigger our emotions. It will take time for us to feel that we need no explanation as to who we are and that we are here in our own right of being.
A better understanding of who we are will never rid our lives from these reactions because there is a need for this state of mind at times, but what I am trying to say here, is that knowing the difference will aid us against the feeling of being judged because that’s a humdinger. Judgement is, in all honesty, the hardest emotion to control and overcome with a history of child abuse, and it will always push us into the reaction and the reasoning for this is simple we have spent a lifetime judging ourselves. The fact that we feel judged by others will only add to further create this negative angry reaction more often and at times it can be well out of proportion.
There is no greater judgement than the one we impose upon ourselves because there is nowhere to run with it quite simply there is no walking away in any direction, and it’s almost always the heart of our negative reaction even when it’s not required. There it will sit until we make that movement away from self judgment and accept who we are. External Judgement is a fact of life and it’s not going away any time soon but it’s far less painful than from within and felt with far less negativity, but if we change our mindset within that excepting, then our accelerated pushed reaction will become a place that we visit less often and life for us will become far less agitated.
We are no longer at the start of the new year we have already moved into 2019 but maybe that action of letting go of our self judgment should have been on our new year resolution bucket list. We always have a choice but when pushed coerced or directed by others into a negative reaction that choice will never be our own, we have to find our own direction which truly lays within so make no mistake this has to be our own inner work or it just doesn’t create the impact required.
We matter so make it our choice……..