January 2019

Negative Reaction

A negative reaction will never be escaped by any of us because it’s a human response entangled within every aspect of our lives and we will never be able to second guess it’s arrival, it arrives without warning a deep penetrating emotion that creeps up from behind intent on defending either the situation that we are within or our pure desperation. One thing is for sure it’s completely unlike a pleasant reaction which leaves us feeling it’s warmth or gives us pleasure, it comes loaded with TNT a highly explosive fully charged defence mechanism, arising from our pain holding us in that place as each emotion ignites and dissension becomes the order of the day. Sparks are set to fly in every direction as our feelings seem to consume us completely our stance has changed into one of a complete defence, no longer can this situation be accepted and if that’s the case then we’ll be the one to act first right?

It starts with a rumble not really recognised for the devastation that it’s about to create but it’s something that we still have control over at that time because we are reasonably right? There will be no need for this feeling to hang around for too long as we exercise our control, we really do have hold of it and we remain in that place of peace and accord it was something over nothing. We are aware that it could have been obliterating but it has been sidestepped and avoided as we move on with our day, it was just another blip on the horizon which is now completely out of sight and our emotions at least this time have stayed firmly in check.

But what if it’s not? An angry within that seems uncontrollable begins to build a powerful emotion that as it rises multiples and we are completely overwhelmed by its magnitude, by the time we realise we are about to lose control it’s far too late this reaction has become far too great for the good of anyone concerned. We feel complete justification for the onslaught that’s about to escape and what’s more the longer we try to avoid it only results in it brimming over with more vigour, creating an immense exposition it’s become inevitably so now there really is no way back. At this point, we move from caring to not really caring at all our negative emotions have consumed everything, who is right or wrong in truth matters not at that point and in truth we are no longer listening to anyone to include our own self reasoning.

All we feel at that moment is the onslaught of the attack we feel is upon us or that deep pain that consumes us leaving us feeling lost and alone, whilst any margin of sense surrounding our control leaves us without warning our pain becomes uppermost. Within that place of pain or loss, we can never see the bigger picture because our vision is completely clouded by our emotions, the need to express just how we feel is far bigger than us at that moment in time and we are not too careful as to its deliverance because our pain has full control. What’s to come later doesn’t seem to matter our own pain is our only focus and we at that time have no idea of how to once more gain control, the pain that we may be creating during that time is not really being ignored there is just no room for it to be recognised. This, of course, is a temporary measure because with cause there will always be an effect but recognition of this fact right at that moment in time will be lost to us.

It’s a road that we have all travelled on I’m sure many times and it’s completely unpleasant for all concerned so just why do we continue to walk in that direction? For us being a survivor of child abuse we have our own set of reasons attached among the norm for others, they can be extremely complicated beyond doubt, as we strive to walk a different road than we’ve been on the one towards recovery so it creates uppermost devastation. Our negative reaction which pushes us into action is always felt as needed because we feel a direct assault upon who we are, whilst we are still within the act of trying to understand ourselves so you can clearly see it’s never going to be straightforward. Abuse affects so many areas of our adult life that at times it can be an uphill struggle, there has been so much negativity in our lives it’s so extremely difficult not to feel the need to defend where in truth no defence was required just understanding. Negativity is nothing new to us it’s like an old pair of slippers that although uncomfortable we can’t seem to them throw away, because even though they are that way how do we know that the new ones we purchase will even fit?

As human beings, we are social creatures and it seems that it’s important as to how other’s see us, although like those slippers this doesn’t fit for all, in truth, it’s far more important as to how we see ourselves. This is our struggle and the end result is that any negative action felt even if not meant or accidental it questions how we see ourselves, our overwhelming history needs no explanation, by pure default, there are so many situations that trigger our emotions. It will take time for us to feel that we need no explanation as to who we are and that we are here in our own right of being.

A better understanding of who we are will never rid our lives from these reactions because there is a need for this state of mind at times, but what I am trying to say here, is that knowing the difference will aid us against the feeling of being judged because that’s a humdinger. Judgement is, in all honesty, the hardest emotion to control and overcome with a history of child abuse, and it will always push us into the reaction and the reasoning for this is simple we have spent a lifetime judging ourselves. The fact that we feel judged by others will only add to further create this negative angry reaction more often and at times it can be well out of proportion.

There is no greater judgement than the one we impose upon ourselves because there is nowhere to run with it quite simply there is no walking away in any direction, and it’s almost always the heart of our negative reaction even when it’s not required. There it will sit until we make that movement away from self judgment and accept who we are. External Judgement is a fact of life and it’s not going away any time soon but it’s far less painful than from within and felt with far less negativity, but if we change our mindset within that excepting, then our accelerated pushed reaction will become a place that we visit less often and life for us will become far less agitated.

We are no longer at the start of the new year we have already moved into 2019 but maybe that action of letting go of our self judgment should have been on our new year resolution bucket list. We always have a choice but when pushed coerced or directed by others into a negative reaction that choice will never be our own, we have to find our own direction which truly lays within so make no mistake this has to be our own inner work or it just doesn’t create the impact required.

We matter so make it our choice……..

New year

A new year has just begun where we will say goodbye to the old as we reminisce on the year that has now pasted us by, during this year we have encountered many things and as always they are stored away in our memory. The passing of time happens and there is nothing that we can do to alter it, but the one thing for sure is that this trend will continue until we leave this world. I’m not trying to write an obituary here I am only stating the obvious of which is no surprise to anyone, that’s just the cycle of life that some may even feel and believe will be repeated as there are still life lessons that we need to complete within this realm.

Whatever we believe is for us to know and to be at peace with but in the here and now we have to live within what we were given, we must strive to fulfil our dreams and find happiness which can be found in the most unexpected places. So where does it start this taking back control of who we are? How do we even know who we are? Can we stop living in the past by letting go of negativity? To accept that things happen in life because we are all capable of ridding ourselves of life’s hiccups, although they may seem huge at the time and so they may be because our overriding mind has far too much to hold on to. Until we can achieve a coping mechanism with everyday life we will never arrive at our biggest challenge, we can’t afford these distractions because our focus must be completely on the journey in front of us. Once this journey has been completed those hiccups will seem to be just what they are life.

Child abuse is the biggest obstacle ever possible that we will have to rid from our mind and unfortunately, it will be our biggest struggle, the pasting of another year I guess is not really recognised by us because our suffering seems endless. That statement really hits hard and I’m so completely exasperated by it, simply because it’s a true statement for so many out there that are still within their pain. So our job for the coming year is to once and for all heal ourselves from within we can’t move from that place until we decide it’s time, in truth, it’s most likely way past time so let’s change it because it starts with us and from within and not from without.

We are all so very aware of our own suffering and so we should be it’s relevant painful and distressing, its part of who we are and there is no separation from our child within or a magic spell that can take it from us. We have learnt to model our lives around our abuse because acceptance and recovery are all that we strive for, and for many, it’s an uphill journey that they are never quite sure that they can make. Life’s memories will always be a part of us but if we look deep enough they are not all as dark as they may seem, any memory that holds the stage front and centre will always crowd out any that are comforting or even verging somewhere in that not so often visited grey area. If we are brave enough to look seek and to find them they are there somewhere waiting and we are one more clear step towards our recovery, as for searching for anything even near to being in the light completely then maybe that’s reaching a little to far-but only for now. Although that may sound a little negative that’s not my aim because those memories are yet to be made they are out there in front of us. If we stay in the negativity we then become a prisoner of the past and that’s where we will unfortunately stay.

Being brave enough to make a movement towards peace and recovery is never going to be a walk in the park it’s going to take enormous strength, but you have it in spades that you should never be in doubt of, just take a look at where you are today your movement has already been huge. We should never doubt our ability to heal or kilter on self-doubt because that emotion is owned by the past which is something we can’t alter or rearrange. Once our mindset is in the right direction well that’s movement and movement in the right direction is where we need to go, with clear positivity we can turn our world on its axle creating a huge shift that we alone have the ability to achieve. All of the above may seem a little daunting because it’s our task and there really is no other way that first step has to be taken by us.

What we do have is an enormous support group throughout the world, and it’s to be envied even by those superpowers worldwide that think that they have all the answers. We have direct access to a network that didn’t need a textbook or to have studied child abuse because they have lived it, I’m not sure that we could ever find anyone quite so qualified to stand with us in our corner. We just need to be brave enough to ask and asking is something we are not that good at and receiving it extremely difficult. That may sound like an odd thing to say but if we look at it a little deeper asking means that we have to move and movement is our Achilles heel it’s painful right? Why should we turn over all of those painful abuse memories? The answer to that question is that until we do we will never let go of the past. The existence of a network of survivors is waiting to help you face that painful journey when you’re ready, but being ready is something you have to do alone with that support waiting all around you. OK, I guess that’s not sugar coating anything but what would be the point in that?

It’s going to be a completely scattered mess cast all around in every direction, we won’t know where anything is and our emotions will be mixed and painful. At times we won’t even own that which lays before us because acceptance hurts so why should we enter that place? The answer is that we have to or any support that we are given may feel as if it were pushed upon us when we are not ready to hold it. So the work starts with us at a level we can control until we feel we are on solid ground, when you arrive there you will know that it’s the time to ask for that support in a network that is fortunately unparalleled. When you are ready we are here just waiting in the wings and the knowledge you will have access to at that time will be that of real life, of shared abuse knowledge and you will always be understood and the emotions that we will feel will be shared because they have been experienced.

We will walk with you on this painful journey once asked but we can’t walk it for you it’s your healing that can be supported once your ready, we are here to lighten your load even help to carry some of it with you, but you first need to look for that solid ground on which to build. Make that start on your work within and as it emerges naturally it will emerge differently, that’s the time when asking is the right time so I’ll see you on the other side where your new year begins and what’s more your new life.

I will leave you with this last thought if we don’t hang together we will surely hang alone………….