November 2018

Out of body experience or journey into the hell of my sub-consciousness? Take 2

This is the second time of posting this piece I first posted it in January of 2015. I was asked to forward it to an organisation to add to their itinerary but it seems that the experience that night continues to baffle me, on looking for it within my website it was nowhere to be found! Luckily I had saved it on a memory stick so all was not lost. But it seems that the plot thickens within that incompletely insane journey that I took and I still can’t untangle what happened although my mind continues to make reference to it often……..

I sit here today in front of my computer with no understanding of the place that I visited six nights ago. If I’m honest as yet I still can’t find any learning that I have acquired from it. It will it seems take me a while to try to loosing this knot before I even attempt to undo the whole. I will put down here everything within my memory with regards to my journey and its contents. That said it will be as well as I am able at this moment in time. My conclusion that I hope to arrive at is one I am still struggling to acquire, but I am hoping it’s a work in progress. As always it’s for you to arrive at your own conclusion.

I remember going to bed I was really tired and in a lot of pain which is ever present for me. What happened in between to the point to where I awoke I will depict below.

Where am I? All around me there is the fun of the fun fair the colours are so bright and vivid. Stalls in every direction rides for as far as the eye can see, people milling around happy it seems with all that surrounds them. Roller coasters dipping and diving with their seats filled to the brim. But its silent- all around me, I can see the rides I can see the lips of the people moving as they pass me by-but silence. I find myself standing at the front of a queue waiting to board the roller-coaster as it comes to a complete standstill. I lift my leg to board but the entrance is blocked before me, no matter how hard I try I can’t lift my leg high enough to succeed. People are pushing me from behind it would seem telling me to board but I’m unable. I try to tell them that I can’t hear them but they clearly don’t understand. I can’t move away from the front of the queue my legs just won’t move in that direction. I put out my hand to hold on to the side of the ride but my hand just goes straight through it. I adjust my grip to a different area but nothing around me is solid. Once more I try to lift my leg only to feel a shooting pain as if I had hit my shin; I keep trying leaning forward but I fall and the pain registers as I hit the ground. This situation seemed to continue on for it seemed like hours, me trying to get on the ride and the solid contact with the ground. Until at my last point of trying just as I am about to give up I was allowed to board. I sit down holding on to my leg trying to nurse the pain that I was feeling as the ride shoots away taking me with it.

Around and around we go stopping at different destinations for people to get on and off board. My head is hurting such pressure and pain it feels as if it is about to explode, that noise is confusing me where was it coming from? It wasn’t close enough to identify. But in that real space and time, the silence was deafening. I can’t stay here but it’s as if there are some invisible hands firmly holding me down. I can’t take any more of this feeling of oppression at the next stop I’m getting off. We stop and I make my way to the exit door to leave behind this roller-coaster from hell, but no matter how I try I can’t get off. Everything solid is moving around me swaying from side to side like its reacting to the sound of music that I just can’t hear. Everything I touch just becomes jelly as my hand is engulfed with it. Over and over I try to embark but they keep changing the height of the entrance door I just can’t seem to step high enough. I am once more aware of the people around me exasperated that I am holding them up but I can’t do anything. I try to talk to them once more to explain but it seems that they can’t hear my voice, and they are still mute to me whilst their lips are still visibly moving. I fall the pain registers as I hit the ground I try to get up but I can’t hold on nothings solid. I ask for help but everyone around me continues on as if I am not there. Eventually, I fall through the entrance landing hard hitting my head, and the taste of blood is rancid in my mouth. I hurt all over and I am now shivering with the cold. I look down at myself and all I have on is my nightshirt. I can’t understand why or how I had arrived there like this everyone else around me is fully clothed. Why would I have left home dressed like this?

I get up and look around me suddenly I can see faces in the crowd that I recognise but they pass me by as if I were not there. I then hear the barking of a dog I know that bark it’s my own dog Sparkle. She then appears from around the corner but not alone, as dog after dog just like her run towards me in different stages of growth. I bend to touch her head but my hand passes straight through it. But even as she sits before me I can still hear a barking and whining in the distance. I put my hands on my own head trying to understand what was going on all around me.

I find myself screaming at the top of my voice whilst the ground is moving beneath me, someone else is screaming and the voice is so familiar was it me? Once more I fall jarring myself badly as I hit the floor, but I just lay there in the street as all seem to pass me by. I get up and wander around aimlessly looking for a place that I recognise a doorway back to reality where I could leave this place and return home. It all seems so real or is it’s a dream that I just can’t wake from? I shake my head whilst firmly slapping at my face willing myself out of this nightmare but to no avail. I wander around but nothing seems real, somewhat like a fun house everywhere is just so colourfully and I am drawn to its magnitude. People are laughing clearly in the throes of great fun as I walk among them and I find myself trying to fit in. But I am lost to them as I walk along like the pied piper as the various sizes of Sparkle run alongside of me. Suddenly it occurs to me that I must be dead is this what the hereafter looks like? If that were so then I had to accept my end, but why I was being excluded from the fun going on around me? Why was I being shut into a place of complete silence? I sit down on the ground going into complete shutdown no longer caring anymore where I was or where I was going.

A ride arrives in front of me like an explosion how it arrived I have no clue? Someone is holding the door of the roller-coaster open for me beckoning me towards it. I don’t want to get up because I know with certainty, that even if I tried they would not let me board. I look away in the other direction somehow accepting my fate. As my eye line changes so would the entrance of the roller-coaster, jumping as if by magic each time I turned to look in another direction. Shouted at them I say that I would no longer play their game whilst refusing to move now at all. People are offering me food and drink but when I try to take it they move it further away from me. I reach down to touch my toes and they are like ice in my hand, the kind that your skin sticks to in the deepest depths of winter. Once more when I try to stand I fall it’s as if I were an entity not able to touch anything around me without passing through it. I hurt all over my body and I am now shaking uncontrollably. So did I just sit there accepting that there was no way home? Then suddenly someone or something told me that I had to try just that once more. I stood up and walked towards the door being held open for me and stepped up, something was different they were allowing me to get on was this some kind of trick? I was waiting for the axe to fall with bated breath.

The ride started to move and I sat down on the floor looking around me for something to wrap myself in to try to keep warm. I then saw a blanket but when I tried to pick it up my hand just went straight through it. Someone opposite holds out a coat for me and I reach towards it only for it to disappear. I sit down again and hug my knees against me in complete abandonment- I just did not care anymore. As we arrive at the different stops people board whilst others get off until I’m finally alone. There I sat going around and around on this ride taking in all the dips and dives, by then totally uncaring if we will ever stop. Memories of the life I had lived came flooding into my mind as I recalled all the things that I had done with my life. But far more vivid were the things that were done to me, hell what did any of it matter now anyway? Suddenly the ride was slowing and I had a feeling of recognition creeping into my mind something was familiar. Trying to explain this feeling if I were reach out for the right words, maybe it was somewhat like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Everything around me was happening in slow motion.

Slowly I opened my eyes like I was emerging from a deep sleep to find myself sitting in the middle of my bathtub. As I look around the room the bathroom door was closed which is something I never do, and the bathroom was a wreck. The towel holder had been pulled off the wall and the towels strewn in all directions. All the bottles of bathroom sets that had been out on display had been thrown in every direction. The toilet roll had been completely unrolled across the floor, the bathroom cabinets were open their contents all around the room. I try to stand up but the pain in my back brought me back down again hard into the tub. My lip was hurting and as I reach to touch it with my finger I find a large swelling with the blood still wet around it. It’s at that point my attention is taken to the pain in my legs where I could visibly see the swelling and brushing. I felt as if I were sitting in an icebox unable to make it to my feet to get out of the tub. I crawl on to my knees and reach towards the side pulling myself up into a kneeling position. Slowly I managed to climb over the edge of the tub and on to the floor. I was then aware that it was light and that I had gone to bed at about 10pm the night before. The strangest thing of all is that this was the first night that I had attempted to go to my bed in over a year, because of the pain I live with daily on movement. Along with a few demons and nightmares that still frequent my dreams, which are out of my control or so it seems so why that night? Getting to my feet I open the door to find Sparkle curled up against it and she is so clearly glad to see me. I sit on the top of the stairs trying to make some sense of the journey that I had just made but to no avail. Where had I been and why did I go there? I only know that during that time I had seen the night pass me by and the day arrive within that space of time.

Wow at this point in time I find myself questioning my own sanity? Or am I just not aware of the significance of this profound event?

I am struggling a little here as to how I am able to end this piece because it was a real experience for me, with all the terrors and unexplained happenings throughout. But oddly somewhere deep inside of me, I know that it was a journey that I was destined to take. That in time there is real learning to be found here for me. The whys and where for’s right now I am still trying to unravel in all honesty. But it is what it is and that’s what I have to contend with until that slither of light comes shining through.

That said it’s not a journey that I ever hope to make again……………………..

Addiction Without Choice

Addiction-we are all aware of addiction to the obvious when we hear those words i.e. drink and drugs to include prescribed pharmaceutical, but there are so many others things tied to this word a complete array of issues that are within its complex structure. In truth anything that we can’t seem to do without is as much of an addiction as those that spring to mind easily, when we reach a place of no return for the above there are many organisations or specialists that we can reach out to for help. These can be accessed through a visit to our doctor and his referral it’s recognised and dealt with as a matter of course because there is a direct chain in line all we have to do is go and stand in it.

I’m far from saying that’s an easy route to travel; of course, it’s not but it has a proven linked chain of referral that is moving us towards the day we can kick that habit. But for those that suffer from a placed addiction like abuse, we will find it so much harder to deal with its been there for so long we can’t even remember the day we started using it as such. In all honesty unless we reach a place to be able to let go of our abuse that chain or line will never be accessible to us simply because the start of that line is within us, no matter how many people offer to stand there alongside us even with the offer to carry that chain we will be going nowhere because we are the ones holding on tightly to that anchor at the chains fixed end.

I’m going to move away from the obvious because where child sexual abuse is concerned that chain is broken in so many places that it has becomes a heap of dismembered links, that solder that should be holding it fast together is nowhere near the soldering iron even if you could find it.

OK, so why am listing this subject as an addiction? The fact is that for so many of us who have been sexually abused we hold on to our memories pain and suffering for so long it somehow became part of our DNA a carrier of our genetic information that we make daily reference to. It’s true that were are not born this way but it’s been there for so long it can’t help but to be so although it was placed within without choice. It became part of our fabric and the foundation on which we stand today even if that sounds a little odd? well yes, that’s because it is, but if we were able to look deep inside of ourselves there it sits our addiction within in a place of complete comfort and so very sure that they are a habit that we just cannot kick.

When something has been within us for such a long time we have become used to functioning with it and we don’t really know how we will be without it being there. At the point of trying to come to clean i.e. letting go of and learning that there is a better way; we will also go through the painful effects of withdrawal be in no doubt but in a way that does not apply to the road we would walk for a way out of a drink or drug addiction.

To recover from our abuse addiction we have to let go of everything and that’s not as simple as it sounds because we have built our lives around its structure, we may have even added some extra links to our dismembered chain just for good measure adding to the chaos. We take on a world of abuse that surrounds us which only adds to the weight and the inevitable increase in magnitude to that in which we are already carrying, for some even attaching further pain from past history as if we are the only ones that can put it right. We feel the pain of all those that have suffered behind us with such a vigour that it would be hard to topple although it doesn’t directly affect us, or a battle that was lost so very long ago but still we drag it into our world of pain and it becomes our fight for justness and it becomes so complexly overwhelming.

So if we think about the structure we have constructed throughout our lives when we enter a place of recovery we are in fact having to let go of so many things, even those that we weren’t aware of at the onset as each piece falls away we are losing a piece of ourselves and we can’t help but feel the pain of withdrawal. Why? Because something is being taken from us that for all intensive proposes defines who we are in that moment it’s like pulling bricks out from the supporting wall of a building and hoping that it can hold itself in shape, and it may do so for a while but eventually that building will succumb to the inevitable because the supporting wall is just as it sounds. When we think of withdrawal we think of what’s on the outside that we are putting in but it’s just as painful when pulling out that which shouldn’t be there, because nothing has changed other than the direction of travel i.e. the method of access and exit.

So the heading of this piece can then be seen as letting go of an addiction that was not one of our choosing but that doesn’t make it any easier to give up, I can hear a few voices in my head right now saying how can us or I compare our abuse to the obvious addictions? The answer to that question is letting go of abuse is no less easy than giving up any other addiction-although many may not like the word that I’m using. In truth, the word only means that we can’t see a way forward without whatever it is that is keeping us -us. In essence, it only questions if we can be without that something? For us, that’s something that we can’t answer at the time it may first be requested just how do we know if we can when we are too scared to let it go or be without it? Our addiction is attached to how we know ourselves in that precise moment in time so how do we give up us? When it’s taken us years to build the person that we have become can we really start again and be able to survive that journey? It’s scary and we have become used to our chain links being splintered in every direction we learnt to manage right? You know the honest answer to that question far better than I.

Can we give up that feeling of pain the feeling of injustice and anger? Can we let go of the hate within and seek a way past that hate and look towards forgiveness? Are we looking for revenge and relate to the proverb of an eye for an eye? If so it won’t be too long before the whole world goes blind. Can we find that peace within and accept our past as being in the past and still be able to hold ourselves whilst doing so? All of these things play a big part in our abuse addiction because we can’t quite seem to quit these feeling and emotions that seem to be larger than life whilst judging ourselves or our perpetrator. If we are holding on to these things how can we? So we need to ask ourselves this question-is my abuse holding on to me or am I holding on to it.

Experiencing that withdrawal for me was a real feeling of losing myself and my past although that was a dark was part of me, and not being sure how my future would emerge would it not be empty without memories either good or bad hell I would be wiping out my life. By letting go of everything surely that would mean that I would cease to exist although the past was painful what would happen if I it was gone just who would I be? So in my own case letting go of the past was without doubt letting go of an addiction of sorts and one that I would have to learn to conquer because holding on to my abuse was my addiction. An addiction in any shape or form takes a lot of adjustment and hard work to alter or give up but we should never think that it is as easily described as a habit; it’s a whole bigger ball game.

No one wants to be an addict why would they? It’s never of their choosing it’s something that crept up from behind that they felt they have control of but that’s the nature of addiction. I am still so aware that this word addiction is not welcomed with open arms around abuse but there are many things in life that are true to fact but also uncomfortable, and you are welcome to use a different word if it doesn’t sit well with you but the word is not the problem it’s our inaction that matters. Looking away should never be an option we should choose because if we choose to do so we are stuck and if we are stuck how can we achieve the movement that we need?

Letting go giving up and feeling that we have the strength to do so wear many guises and there are many that relate to the word and the reference of addiction. We can and do become addicted to that place around our pain of abuse just because it’s easier than facing that place in which we cannot avoid the eruptions of the emotions that will surface if we trust to let go. Or maybe we can’t see a clear path in which to walk when something as fundamental as all we’ve have ever known departs. Addiction means nothing more than a repeated involvement that allows harm to ourselves so just how often do we delve into the abyss of our abuse on a daily basis? How many times are we held in that place of pain and be unable to leave?

Our recovery has truly begun when we can say but not today……….

Surreal Emotion

Why am I sitting here this evening? I’m not really sure but I feel that I have to share. It’s been over a week now since I received the news that my abuser had almost certainly left this earth, as I wrote in my piece of 22nd of October but I’ve been waiting for the 100% confirmation and it’s been a really busy place in my head since then. For once I’m lost for words because there aren’t any! I feel extremely emotional and deep and recognition of those years I could have lost in front of me, but mostly real empathy for those around the world that are still within their own recovery. In truth, I’m not surprised by these emotions he had once more left me with a parting gift although I’m sure that he was not aware of it which is a little ironic. I have reached a place in my life where I am happy a place that I had waited for always but it was never going to be completely put to bed whilst he was still out there. So yes he takes another piece of me with him my mindset realisation and the impact this created which I should have expected but in truth, I am glad that I experienced those emotions and they were welcomed with open arms. I will hold them tenderly how can I not? As with all of my other emotions throughout the years they are part of me. I share this moment only with my fingers tapping on the key broad and in truth that is no real surprise to me but I know I’m not alone and I am grateful for the interaction with my website readers daily.

I really don’t have a quip or any words of wisdom this evening I don’t have any words at all just honesty…………