It’s a strong word and so very unsafe on the opposite of love that we at times don’t know which side of it we are sitting on, or of course which side will win this fight with our emotions or pull us over into that dark place or not. It’s a feeling that we have all felt often throughout our life time because it’s a reaction and at times we can’t control the blood that is beginning to boil deep within us. It’s a place in which we feel out of control and without any power to influence our thoughts feelings and actions, they are just there and no matter how we try the only way out of it is to go through it even if it takes every ounce of strength we have left to fight it. Even if we feel that the end is never going to arrive and that this pain is excruciating we have no choice but to be pulled along in that river of pain.
Of course all this hating is supposed to make us feel strong in control and doing things our way but the truth is nothing ever gets dealt with through hate, only when we can sit down and remember the love that was once there will we ever see the truth that needs to be recognised. That’s the point where hate is now replaced with an understanding of why we had once more entered that place with such vigour. We can’t begin to see things clearly when the veil of hate is lying against our face as if it had been placed there with superglue, because there is no sense to be made there and our eyes are obstructed from any clear vision.
I guess in truth it is always a fight against or within ourselves because we are the ones doing the feeling and controlling our anger, we are the ones at war within with no clear winner to be seen. But what we don’t understand at that moment in time is that victory is not final and defeat is not fatal, so all we can do is to allow these emotions to take place and know that in time the veil will lift and our vision will once more become clear.
I’ve been reminded of that feeling of late and it really surprised me because it’s a feeling that for me for so many years was only just dormant under and very thin layer of skin, and I really thought that my skin in the here and now had become a little thicker down the years towards my recovery. So I guess I was caught napping and failed to remember that recovery is a life long journey and one in which I could not push the tide. In truth I am now today grateful for that wake-up call because it bought to me a new adventure that I would never have seen without that return to that dark plaice. Maybe it was what was needed to bump start a new chapter in my life and allow the new to arrive and it be welcomed. So in truth hate can also be a feeling of freeing yourself from those deep emotions we at the time can do nothing about although I agree it could be a little easier, but I’ve learnt in life that nothing that you really want is easy it takes work deep within.
I ventured down a path that I had never looked at before and found myself there without really noticing if that doesn’t sound too odd? But it was a path that will bring me a great deal of satisfaction and fulfilment whilst helping others along the way. To be asked by a university to be an acting part of the students learning is something I would not have considered without the journey I had just taken, because I would have had no reason to look in that direction. So it seems that we never stop moving forward in life just because we don’t want to. Hate is a memory and at times we think they make us who we are but it fact they are only a reminder of where we’ve been. We allow the past to hold on to us far more than it has a right to because we bury those feelings of hate to draw on at a different time instead of just letting it go. Hate is a dead emotion that never brings with it any joy so the question has to be why we are holding on to it? My learning today in the here and now is that I don’t know what’s out in front of me unless I really look without that veil, even if looking was not part of my plan because I don’t hold a hidden map of the future I just have to keep moving.
What I am trying to say here and I hope with some success is that at times we will all feel that our world is over, and that we can’t go on as we roll around in that hateful state of mind. But in time the end will come the pain will lift and you never know what it will bring when you find that veil has been lifted. Life is a journey even if at times it’s an unpleasant one but we can’t step away from it because it’s difficult. That’s the time where we have all the strength we need because of and in spite of our past abuse, because if we have made it through that nothing is beyond our grasp and I’m grateful for that reminder. We need to remember that strength isn’t always measured in a way in which it’s visible.
So I have decided to stick with love because hate is too much of a burden………