The monster has gone-would we ever really hear here those words escape our mouth because the devil doesn’t die how they can? They were invincible some kind of entity that would always be there feeding on our inner child because we feel them daily, whilst that child is still trying to find that dark corner or place where it feels a little safer. like all abused children, we grow separately because there is no escaping the adult we will have to become, but our inner child can never leave that hiding place and be able to function so as the adult isn’t it now our job to protect them? Over the years we may have tried to go within to bring us together as one, but on entering the exact opposite would win through as they tried to exist in a world that felt so completely alien and fearful. Once joined we become that terrified child in a world that we feel is completely unsafe so we retreat back into the shadows of the dark and that blanket of the surroundings that are familiar to that child, because although it may seem as if we are coping with this union on the outside inside we are really struggling to be that person because we feel anything other than able.
Time after time we may have tried to bring that child to the world we are now occupying only to learn that even we can’t reach them because they have retreated to a place where we can’t enter it seems without an invitation. It seems that the traffic at that moment in time is only one way, once invited and we are able to visit that place it takes all the strength we have to pull back from the pain we are feeling whilst there because we can’t hold on to it. So we leave with the guilt we feel at leaving them behind alone there in the shadows, we have to do this because we are part of society and it has become an art form that we have mastered over the years. We need to do all the things that are necessary to be part of life or at least seem to be when in truth we don’t feel a part of anything just abandonment and the guilty reminder that we did not have the strength in which to stay. Once again we were not able to hold on to that terrified child and bring about that much-needed step towards their healing but we need to remember the important thing to recognise is that we are still trying.
So how do you deal with the news that arrives to say the monster has gone? How can you reach that child and coax them out of the shadows when it’s all they have ever known? How does that child trust that it’s really now safe to emerge and that you will be there waiting for them in peace? The real truth is that they don’t know this world that we have been living in because they have never lived anywhere else; it’s a hell of a thing to accomplish when you don’t even how where to start because for such a long time for all intensive purposes you have never lived as one. In truth, I’m not really sure who is more scared the child or this person that we have become, which at times at least to the outside world that we are a functioning member of society so what do we do first? How can you ever achieve that migration of becoming one? You’re so aware that this is a transition that only you can bring to fruition as we struggle within this reverse polarity, and not feeling anything at all in that precise moment in time where you can’t even feel as if your feet are really still on solid ground.
There we are in a kind of trance aware of this happening but having such difficulty believing what would be our first reaction? For me, it is to write which may seem like an odd thing to do after receiving such news, but my writing is the one thing that I can delve into and be able to talk and relate to as if there is a third person. I feel removed from the thoughts going over and over in my head I guess it’s what has kept me a little sane over the years because I’m able to feel there without hurting, that’s a concept that I’m sure others would find unable to understand but we have all found a way to distract we had to. A place to retreat that works for us a place where we can remove ourselves from a situation that is just too difficult to deal with in that moment of time, it allows us to stay anchored in this world which is something that everyone has to feel it’s just far more difficult for an abused child to do.
Sitting here we still feel as if we are on our own we can’t even relate right now to that inner child because they are silent but why? And we don’t think that having someone here with us would make a difference because the person we have to reach in still deep inside of us, and it seems they are not very eager to join us right now in this completely abstract state of mind we find ourselves in. So let’s move away from where we are at present and explore the ways in which to move towards that objective of becoming as one that any of us would feel at that moment in time. The struggles we would all face because it’s not as easy as saying “thank god the monster has gone” because although they may have done their memory is still alive and kicking relentlessly as you try and take in the information
received it’s just so unreal.
Our struggle is always going to be the memories that are so difficult to deal with because they are the biggest part of whom we are, and we feel as if letting go of them will somehow bring the monster back and that it’s all a ruse to put us off guard. How do we even make a start towards our inner child when we are still having immense trouble trusted this information for ourselves, it feels as if someone were to pinch us we would be back to reality and still under their shadow. Our minds are so full of this new information that it seems all else has faded into the background quite simply because there isn’t any room for anything else to remain, we feel as if the world is now a different place but what does that mean? How do we move on to a place where we will believe that we no longer have to run from the monster? The truth is that we have been running for so many years do we really know how to stand still? It’s like someone has cut off your arm and you had happily let them because it was no longer of any use but the stump is still there.
For some, it’s a childhood memory but for others the monster has been there with them for a lifetime dropping in and out of our lives at will and then the memories become vast, adding up as time passes and always expected to arrive and seemingly we expect more in front of us. It becomes more like an expectant visitor where you find yourself making room for them even before they arrive and that ever-growing pile becomes harder and harder to hold on to. Somehow you feel as if something is now missing from your world and not knowing how that will be you have never existed without the fear. You’ve prayed for it for so long to be able to escape their clutches and now that you have what’s left? It may sound like an odd thing to say but the only thing that has been removed is the monster; those memories still need to be pacified but at least there will be no more to add to that pile.
We are always going to feel unsteady with this adjustment because our abuse and its effects have been there for such a long time, in truth, it will even take time for this news to really sink in because we never had an out we could take of our own only the passing of time. It’s a shock and as with all others shocks we can’t deal with it over-night even though it’s something we may have thought of often, but the reality of the happening is something that we could never prepare for. I’m aware that all of the above may sound a little like we’ve suffered a loss and one that will be mourned over, but that’s not the way I am hoping that this reads because that’s not my intention at all. But it’s still a loss that will affect any of us greatly even if a grateful one it will need to be addressed and digested because every loss is life brings with it a change be it for the good or the complete opposite. But maybe now we can really move towards our recovery with a lighter step and a different outlook of the world and some margin of safety, where we are no longer looking over our shoulder and we are able to move around freely. To think that we can adjust quickly to this news would be extremely fanciful on our part, because even whilst at times they are not around us we are very aware of their existence. We have a lot of years to unravel a lot of emotions to deal with and then there’s that strange place that we now find ourselves in.
Receiving such news is quickly followed by emerging emotions that until now we have never had experience of its completely new and the effect can knock us a little off-kilter. It’s difficult to try to explain without experiencing because they arrive seemingly in a concrete mixer as their content seem to merge, as one after another filters into our consciousness whilst our subconscious is still deciding where to put the bricks. We experience confusion to joy and anger but it’s an anger that has a very different slant on it than ever before, peace and lightness as to who we are without that weight of always expecting. Because as long as they were living we never truly knew if we had left them behind without that glance over our shoulder or the feeling of anxiousness that had never really left us. But the one feeling that overrides them all completely is that feeling of peace that you have never felt in your life at any time preceding this news and it’s welcomed with open arms.
It will take time to process but maybe now we can finally stop looking under the bed……………