There are so many ways for us to achieve a connection quite simply by just going through our daily routing when awakening each morning to enter the world. For most of us we feel refreshed once again as we rub the sleep from our eyes pulling ourselves away from that warm snug place. We make ourselves presentable and once we have eaten our breakfast we take that first footstep out of the door wondering what the day will bring. That connection is part of our world it happens naturally or we would never leave our four walls behind us, and in most situations we look forward to those connections that we make daily be it our work colleagues family or friends. These connections are received differently depending on who we are confectioning with, not discounting the causal fleeting connections that happen all the time whilst buying a newspaper that sandwich or the Costa coffee welcomingly received. There are so many other ways in which we connect but I’m going to stop here as I don’t wish to bore you to death with a list that sees no end to move on to why I’m here today.
Connecting whilst still within in the throes of our past abuse.
Connecting seems such an easy thing for us to do it should be enjoyable bringing with it a smile or a grimace if it’s a bollocking from the boss but nevertheless this is still a mutual connection just not a very welcome one. We connect by allowing someone else into our world and our personal space which for some like me for so many years found that so very hard to do, sadly some are still trapped within that space not feeling that they trust the world enough to assist them in their endeavours. Making a new connection is unknown territory for everyone but for abuse survivors it’s a complete walk of faith and more than a little unsettling. There is that question the one within us always there waiting in the wings should we can we trust a world that for so long was so very untrustworthy? Sadly we mostly convince ourselves that it’s a risk to far but not until we have tentatively walked a few yards down the line.
This may all seem a little deep and it is if we are talking about an everyday connection but what about a connection of the heart? I myself avoided this connection for so very long having such a deep seated connection makes us feel vulnerable, and that feeling makes us bolt out of the starting gate at a hundred miles an hour without the need for a starting pistol. We ponder what this connection wants from us because they always want something don’t they? We are overloaded with that doubt in our minds from a source that should never have had that type of connection with us EVER. But nevertheless this connection brought with it our first encounter with the word love, as we were told daily that we were loved and this connection was perfectly normal. Ok I will skip a few lines here as I feel the need to scream at the heavens in a less than a lady like manner.
How do we connect and allow someone to enter a place that we have guarded for so long and do we ever truly do so? In my own history if I were to pick at the bones of it I don’t think that I have ever truly done so completely. I have always kept that little bit back for me expecting to have to hang on to it when this connection once more goes tits up. It’s a little like I am expecting it to fail and by doing so I’m not surprised when it does! Having just relayed those thoughts to you I am reminded that I really need to address this long standing issue vigorously, because in truth it has cost me far too much to date. To really connect with our hearts we have to trust in that someone and that is something that makes our hearts pitter patter in such an unnerving way. A connection of the heart is something that we should enter in to openly but that takes hard work and a positive mindset, or on the other hand I guess we can always oddly convince ourselves that it’s easier not to have that connection. The inevitable outcome is that the other person with which the connection could be formed will never even leave the starting gate in the race of emotions that could be loving shared, making the Grand National for them look like the local donkey derby with no chance in hell up catching up to us. We are off down that race track facing each jump alone no matter how big the hurdle carrying that jockey of abuse that no horse has ever been asked to carry. Falling many times because the jump was just too high, stumbling down on the other side before heading for the next and it never enters our head that we could just walk around it. It seems that our past has made us feel that every hurdle has to be encountered jumped or pulled apart in to so many fragments that we will never find the whole again. Dissection beyond distraction is the only way forward not only in our own lives but the life’s of those that are trying to get to close to make that connection. Everything becomes a drama whilst we look for the things that could go wrong; we forget to see that our future could be so very different if we were to just walk out of the pathology laboratory.
Some things just are they don’t have a reason or a hidden agenda they are just opportunities in our life that we either stop to recognise as a connection of the heart that could be so very rewarding or ignore. If we would only put the scalpel down and not feel the need to continue to dig around surgically, expecting answers from ourselves to questions that as yet have not even arisen but we put everything under that microscope.
For me a connection that I have lost very recently was one that I shared with my dog and best friend Sparkle. She died so very unexpectedly that it has left a hole in my heart that I am still struggling to fill; she was my constant companion walking along side of me wanting nothing more from me than to be loved. I am sharing this with you because we also connect with animals as well as people, it’s said that here in the UK we are a nation of animal lovers which in truth at times I question. You see a connection with an animal does not need to be that complicated it’s a mutual exchange within a bubble of complete understanding, love without demands explanations and with complete commitment on this one way street that feels so very easy to walk down. She will always be in my heart and I know that losing her made me face some very difficult choices about where my life was leading me and the direction my life will take from here on in. I am so very aware that during that time I was more than a little difficult to deal with because she was the rudder that always kept me in the shipping lane. Time heals but at times like these we sometimes question where we are in life or should I say that I did? Yes without doubt.
We need to connect to life with full commitment to a connection without feeling that by doing so a vacuum will suck us up into something that we can’t control, because anything less we will see ourselves failing simply because the need for baby steps has long past gone. We are no longer that innocent child within a world of misconnection completely confused with the world around us, and not truly making any connection other than the one which had been imposed on us as children. I guess if we were to look at this from another angle at that time in our life connection brought us pain suffering and bewilderment without a safe pair of hands to hold us. So now we no longer look for that hand because we have learnt that its safer not to do so convinced that the only hand we need to hold on to is a part of us. In laymen’s terms if a connection is not made we can’t or won’t fail by detachment and default but if we continue to follow this road it takes away from us far more than it gives. We can take a few tumbles if the road becomes rocky because it’s far better than disconnection and self imposed imprisonment of our hearts.
The soul was never meant to travel alone so take that chance……………..