November 2016

The Relationship Between Incest Survivors

incest-2The first thing that comes to mind is that it is a wounded attachment at first meeting, but it’s also a merging of empathy because you know for sure that the other person has walked in your shoes. You don’t need to explain how it feels to be abused; you’re never going to feel judged because words are not needed only the knowledge shared between two broken souls. But within that mix there is also a mirror image reflecting back to us the things that you have tried so hard to either forget ignore or hide from. This way of living has been perfected over many years you truly have it down to a true art form, and you may even of sorts have become a connoisseur at your selected choice. I’m aware that the word connoisseur is mainly associated with food but believe me abuse leaves behind a very bad taste in your mouth. So is this an unconscious way or choice of being attracted to or attached to someone that reminds us of our wound or trauma? At its very core maybe we even seek out this type of relationship as a way to reinforce the wounded aspect of ourselves.

As a depending chid we yearn for affection attention neutering love and trust in a way that any other child would.

As we grow we begin to believe that the only way it seems we can receive these surely needed emotions is through our abuser. So it’s hardly surprising that we take this distortive mixed up thought process or belief with us in to adulthood, even though our sexual abuse is no long a part of our lives the child remembers. As you continue to read thought this piece and I try to impart some insight to its regard, let’s think upon this scenario as it truly is by being timed two. It’s a scary thought for sure but having myself been thought the impact of the above, I also know that it does not have to be a situation in which we either self destruct, or impose the same reaction in another person. It can be a situation if used positively for the greater good in our own lives as well as in the life of that someone special. But it’s also a situation that brings forth a challenge without doubt and that challenge at times can feel unparalleled.

So how do we judge love? What does that word even mean to us? How do we separate the good from the bad the past from the present? How do we open up to someone without feeling that we are once more going to feel a loss of control and power? It’s a real twister that could emanate a tsunami. I guess it’s true to say that I still struggle a little with these emotions myself as I try to perfect the effect still felt at times on my inner child. I recently realised that this may be a life time of work and not an easy job. But over every hurdle that we are made to jump that’s one less out there in front of us. But this is only true if we learn from the mistakes we are making, and that we ascertain the part we play in this encounter, because this traffic is on both sides of the road bound for heaven or hell. For some this is a difficult task because any feeling of loss of control or power is a reminder of the past where we had no power or control at all. But that is such a dangerous place to frequent and sadly it lays foul to a very lonely existence.

If I were to try and explain the journey I took and continue to make to you here, then I truly feel that you are not yet in a place to make that journey. You will arrive there in time and at your own speed but there are so many other lessons to learn along the way that you are able to make a change. One of the biggest leanings for me is that I had to stop feeling that I was always right, and that I did not want to entertain another’s point of view that was different to my own why? Because for so very many years I was made to feel like I was always wrong. Everything was orchestrated for me I was told what to do how to do it and how to feel my thoughts were never my own. I would have made many mistakes on my life’s journey I am sure, wrongly arriving at a regretted impasse but I will never know because that courtesy was never given to me. In essence I’m saying that I was never allowed to make a mistake or one that I recognised, if someone else is controlling your life how can you ever think of your actions and mistakes as being your own? Whilst all along thinking that I was the mistake how mixed up is that? Sympathy has no place here only a feeling of growth I’m just stating a fact and the way I was made to feel. There is a very odd thought going through my head at this moment did that enforced situation make the decisions I had to make thought life as an adult far more difficult? I’m sure for many it does because how do you learn without feeling the mistake was your own? It’s an odd kind of control but we have to remember our abusers had full control. So at the time of our release from our enforced situation do we really have the grounding we need to go forth in life? I’m just looking at the other side of the coin here or as they say outside the box.

Ok I’m back to me arriving at that time and accepting that I was not the oracle and that I can be wrong as often as I’m right but that’s ok. It may not make a lot of sense but it’s all a part of regaining control over our lives by owning who we really are. In truth at that time where did that get me? What did I achieve? And overly more why at the time did it matter to me so much? Looking back I was up there on my soap box a very lonely person, and I’m sure from my own experience that’s a journey that nobody hopes to make.

So is it time to stop thinking? Well what I really mean is stop over thinking? I know but I’m not trying to confuse you. When we become all consumed within the struggle we were made to contend with at such an early age, how do we even know the right type of relationship we are looking for? I’m just going to put this out there in the universe that we don’t need to over think; we just need to live our lives as the rest of our life. Every relationship has to be worked on; some of the most rewarding work that I have been involved in, has been around and still is within relationships where both partners have been abused children. When they eventually get it right having fallen many times along the way it’s a joy to be seen.

So here we are at the bottom of this piece with the heading sitting up there in front of me (The Relationship between Incest Survivors)

Can it work? You are a person and not your abuse so firstly we need to stop looking at the label, and look for a kindred soul an abused soul or not. Once we realise this then we will see no reason for this relationship not to work and it can be the most rewarding. A common goal is already there we need to heal and so much is already shared within, but the kicker is that shared understanding of each other also includes our past abuse. But if we are ever going to make that stand if we are going to fight for the right to be happy I think two pairs of hands are always better than one.

Have you ever played chess? In this relationship you already know the opponents end game play……………