I guess the title of this piece is a little confusing how can you find something that to your mind isn’t lost? There you are standing in familiar surroundings and your reflection if sought after would be very easy to achieve. But what does that tell us? Only that you are in the moment and visible to others. It’s a reality that we think about pragmatically it a complete certainty both feet are firmly placed below us. But what I want to talk about here today has no resemblance to the above. Your reflection can be staring back at you wide eyed and smiling but in truth for so many of us we have never felt so lost. To truly become visible to all that surrounds us we have to recognise that we are more than the body we walk around in.
It’s not about the person staring back at you each morning whilst you brush your hair; it’s about the child within that has never been found because in truth she scares us just a little. That’s a sentiment that I freely share with you because my child within used to scare the hell out of me-so was I lost? You can bet your life on it. Until I really looked inside with a feeling of complete abandonment to match her own she was unreachable. It’s been said that to really know someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes, to really understand the emotions that dictate who they are at that given moment in time. Emotions are how we relate in any given manner time or place which will never be seen from the naked eye looking in.
For all intensive purposes our bodies serve as a shell containing so much more than our internal organs. It wraps around us as an outer barrier a safeguard there to protect everything within, although at times that barrier whilst open to the elements of life can get a little busted up or bruised. Our bodies react to the action that we require almost by remote control. We have been subjected to a learning process from the very first time we arrived into this world with most of us seemingly upset to being ejected from a place of warmth and contentment.
Ok, let’s move on to the things that seem to need our direction a process that requires us to make a judgment we are faced with this process each and every day without exception. It could be a work issue that requires considering because there is more than one option, it can be to embark on a journey that we are not familiar with. A measured judgment to ascertain what is needed to lead us through a process to its completion. This process of judgement can ultimately affect those around us but a judgement is required because without which there would be no movement.
So here we are standing tall and taking on the world with health good judgement and forward movement-but what if you’re not? Let’s think about something here for a moment what if ever decision you make seems to be the wrong one what if your thoughts don’t even feel like they are your own? What if your thoughts and emotions are just so muddled and confusing that you find yourself with no control? What if that seems to be a permanent situation that you have to struggle through every day? I guess what I am talking about is that control over your thoughts and emotions in large part were enforced upon you?
As children we are so very vulnerable to the outside elements feelings and emotions going on all around us. We have been taught through our growth that an adult should be adhered and to show respect. So when an adult tells you that touching you in those places is only natural and that what they are doing to you is ok. It’s the only way to show you their love for you because you are special and different than the rest. But that we can’t tell a soul because we would then be parted and no one would understand our love. This situation a conversation forced on us daily and that no one will ever love you as much as they did.
Wow writing that paragraph has really left a nasty taste in my mouth.
What I am trying to say here is that we grow with no control over our thoughts or emotions, and if we were to look back in time that was the very moment that we lost ourselves. Our thoughts and emotions have been in doctored upon us for some of us that abuse lasted for many years going unchecked. This process leaves an imprint so deeply imbedded within us that to think for ourselves seems unnatural and not necessary. For me that situation went on for a period of seven years where a singular thought or checking my emotions was not my job and that they weren’t supposed to be mine. Just how messed up does that sound? Here today I fully understand the reason that I allowed my abuse to continue but let’s not open that box today.
In truth as we grow it seems that we become less attractive to our abuser he is getting just a little bored so within the realms of a very sick mind he needs to move on to pastures new. But when this happens what do we do? We are left to fend alone in a world that is so unfamiliar to us because we were always guarded. We then find that we have to make decisions that were always made for us. The ground below us then becomes so very unsteady because the hand that used to direct us is gone, in a mixed up kind of way we feel deserted we wonder what we have done to deserve this abandonment. How confused as children must we be to think that the person that was abusing us was our hold on to the world around us?
Its right there in that moment in time that we lose you because we don’t really know who we are or even feel that we have a purpose in the world any longer. So we continue through life never really thinking that anything we did was not good enough and questioning ourselves daily. We try to stay out of our thoughts because there are just too many voices that you don’t want to listen to, they lead us towards confusion they then take us to a place that we can’t understand or unravel. Then we would be truly lost because we were only holding on by the slighter of grip just one slip and it would all be over.
But do we want to stay that way holding on to life within mixed emotions and missed direction? How can we live the rest of our lives to its full potential like that? Yes you are lost but nothing is written in blood that you have to continue to be so. It’s long past time to find that part of you that has been lost for so long through the actions of another. We will need to dig deep because it’s we alone that will need to get down and dig in the dirt. This has to happen if we are ever able to look at that child straight on and fully in the eye. Completely and fully aware of the daunting task that needs to be embarked upon, but it’s a very necessary one if we wish to grow as a person and heal the past. You may even find that once you have found that lost part of you recognition seems impossible who is this person? But if we treat it like we are making a new friend in time a merger will occur and you will find that for the first time in your life you feel whole.
You may even find that you really like this person that you are becoming in your own right………..