April 2016

Running Scared

running scaredRunning scared… those words are spoken often for a variety of reasons and each one can equally affect our lives, in truth far more than the first interpretation that enterers our mind. Someone running scared from something or someone that puts them in fear; it’s tangible and seen openly with our own eyes. It’s a threat that plagues our equilibrium whilst putting us in a place that we would rather not be. The balance of our lives is upset by needing nothing more than our own thought process. The threat does not even need to be visual why? Because we know it’s out there the treat was all we needed to create a place of panic that seems to morph in magnitude daily.

We can be running scared within a situation of competition and the catalyst needs to be no more than the person standing in front of us; we have all see it happen on our television screens with regard to a football match or tennis tournament. Once fear enters our minds we believe that we can’t win so we start to run, we don’t need to be moving in forward motion for that to occur. We are running from defeat quite simply put once we feel that emotion it affects everything we do from then on in. So we stand there with cause and effect! Our bodies remain trying to battle it out although all seems lost, but you can be sure that all that we are within is already strides ahead of us heading for the highway.

Someone breaks the law and they are being chased by the police in very hot pursuit they are seen by the naked eye as really tearing up the asphalt. But metaphorical it’s far more than that; they are running within a precise state of mind that we would only experience if we were the person doing the running. As they try desperately to think of a way out of this situation but it’s an impossible task because within that state of mind we all make mistakes. Mistakes that may take away their liberty but their judgment is impaired simply because they are running scared. They are all but lost because once this process has begun its one hell of a job for our bodies to keep up with that runaway mind.

There are so many ways in which we find ourselves running scared; I myself was in a position of doing so but for a very different perspective than any of the above. I was running from myself but make no mistake I was truly running scared. I was running like the hounds of hell were close behind me without me even being aware of it for so many years. It’s an emotion that I know I shared with others whilst I was still within it; it’s an emotion that others are still struggling with trying to find the winning post daily. But running from ourselves is an action that we will never shake off until we ourselves put on the brakes. Until that time we may as well be running within the ray’s of full sun light whilst trying desperately to avoid our own shadow. In truth there is nowhere to run from your thoughts which are creating this urge within because they will always be part of you. We try so many ways to distract ourselves for even an hour’s worth of clear head space but running from the memories that surround our abuse just isn’t possible. We have to find a way to live with them that allows us to move beyond that place with acceptance because we can’t change the past no matter how hard we try. I myself spent so many years believing that I was just fine until I found a way to understand that I was anything but.

Our greatest tool that we use is the tool of delusion as it suits our purpose well. If to the outside world we seemed in complete control then we were weren’t we? If we play the fool play the joker with all around us enjoying the show what more proof do we need? We fill our lives to the brim leaving not one ounce of space to allow these thoughts within us to breathe, so of course we were winning weren’t we? We don’t talk about it why the hell would we? That only serves to remind us that we have a deep unresolved emotion within that is really affecting our lives. Then there is that old faithful the bottle because if we climb within one we are completely sheltered from the world nothing can touch us. Well at least until the bottle had all but gone and been replaced with the hangover from hell. There are so many more distractions that I myself used whilst on my own journey all clearly aimed at my own mental confusion. A confused mind was so much better than allowing me to think about the whirlwind that was going on inside of me during every wakening hour or sleeping moment. It’s difficult to really state here the mental distress or derangement that we find ourselves in on this ever ending road so far away from the finishing tape. The truth is that we pass by it daily over and over but we are just too afraid to break through.

So how do we find the strength to stop running? We must be so clearly out of breath on this self imposed marathon. But even then it somehow seems that we have accepted that we will always be in the race. So let’s put it down here and now in print as to why we feel this need deep within our gut to keep running? It’s without doubt that we are running from the agonizing memory of our abuse its right there behind us hot on our heels; it’s so very easy to see that standing still is a terrifying prospect. But if we are ever going to find peace within this world we need to find a way of allowing them to catch up and to be embraced. The first time I came close to really understanding that all I needed to do was stand my ground it was not an option for me. But I could slow down just a little couldn’t I? After time I found that it was possible to stand still just for a moment and wow it was a complete revelation to me. It was at that time that I realised just how out of control my life really was and always had been. It seemed for most of my life I had been a guest at the mad hatter’s tea party and Alice in wonderland had nothing on me.

What I am trying to say here is that it’s ok to take each day as it arrives at a speed that you are comfortable with, just a tiny almost invisible notch slower every day will make the task achievable. There will be days when you feel it may be possible, and there will be others you will find that you don’t have a cat in hells chance. But each time you achieve a moment where you are able to stop and catch your breath you will acquire the knowledge that this is something you can do. You may take off again like a bat out of hell but you have achieved something that until that very moment in time was lost to you. It’s only then that you realise that it is possible to win this race because you were the only one that you were ever competing with.

You have been running with the finishing tape within your sight always now it’s long past time to break through……….