March 2016

Being Believed

Being believed 2Being believed is something that I guess most of us take for granted unless we have been proven to lie or exaggeration, which if we are honest we all do at times its just to what degree. There’s that time when the truth can be hurtful so we adopt what is called a white lie where someone’s feelings need not be hurt unnecessarily. Examples – Do I look fat in this dress? I dyed my hair and it’s not what I was expecting do you think it looks alright? Do you like my new boyfriend but you think the guys a jerk? Ok I guess a little more honesty is needed there but I’m sure you get the gist. We interact daily with our friends family work colleges, and those that we surround ourselves with as a matter of course never in doubt that we are being believed. We feel that we should be taken on face value and that our words are both factual and truthful, never thinking that the person with whom we are engaging doesn’t believe us. To evaporated further the word believe is used in many different contexts. We have all at some point recited the words we would never have believed it if we hadn’t seen it with our own eyes. I myself have been in a position where I believed in someone completely, only to realise in the course of time that I had never knew them at all I had just believed the lie of who they portrayed to be.

Then of course there is make-believe which is a tool we acquire from childhood as we act out the life being shown to us, for some we create that make-believe friend who is always with us so that we are never completely alone. We pretend acting out situations where the only limit is within our own imagination. The question may be asked of us many times as we travel through life as to if we are credible and to be believed? We have own religious belief which may differ from those around us but it’s what we believe that matters. We believe that we are capable of sorting out a particular problem that we are faced with at that moment or time. So as we can see the word believe have many facets or faces that coincide with us on a daily basis, because so many things have to be taking on face value for life to run smoothly on. It has to be that way we can’t question everything around us never having any belief because to do so our lives would come to a complete standstill. All of the above in some shape or form resonates around the word believe.

But what if you’re not believed?

A reason for annoyance as we try to get our point across knowing that we are speaking the truth, but unable to make that other person take us on faith. Maybe we even think something like hell they have known me all my life why are they questioning my honesty? Disbelief can be extremely painful because within it we are under suspicion and we feel that distrust deeply. Our word is being doubted we are being judged as someone that takes that little white lie we spoke of above much further. We find ourselves reaching out all around us for the proof we need to right this wrong. We feel slated that we are being questioned wars have been started for less. It becomes a matter of pride to prove our honesty whilst feeling completely and truly indignant. I could fill this page with analogies of how we are made to feel when we are not believed. But for some not being believed is something that we have had to contend with always. Because even if the words ever left our mouths it had been deeply impregnated within, that our words would be dismissed even before the last word left our mouth. This knowledge had been force-fed to us by our abuser so vigorously over the years that we are disbelieving of ourselves without ever uttering a word!! Just how screwed up is that?

Since childhood we have grown up thinking that we will never be believed that our spoken words would always fall on a deaf ear. It had suited our abusers quite nicely to impregnate our minds with that negativity, reminding us always that to tell would be a fool’s errand. As we grow we carry that thought process with us we may even feel that it’s too late now why? We had never spoken up. I don’t know about you but this system seems only self serving as an aid for our abuser how the hell were we lost within that structure? It’s important here to really understand the thought process that has been created within; we have been groomed into believing that our words would never find any solace. I know that deep inside of me that little girl still exists because we converse often, and I am aware she still remembers the pain of the lie she was made to live. The big difference is that she has now found her voice in a way that someone else believing is no longer important. She knows with complete clarity that belief in her has been achieved by the only one that matter herself. For many years I thought that to be believed the child within would need to speak up which some would think should be easy. You are now an adult able to speak up and say what needs to be said surely? Sadly when you approach that child in order to do so without self belief it’s as if you had never left her behind. There we stand face to face with a cloud of disbelief that unimaginable and those unforgotten words ringing in our ears.

We are never going to truly move on with our lives if it all hinges on the pure fact of being believed by others, I was myself was reminded of that very recently. To be honest it put me on my back foot as I really thought that I had moved some way forward from the need of being believed. But it only served to prove to me that there is still a vulnerable side within me, but if I choose to receive this in a positive way maybe it was a blessing. To know that the soft side of me can still embrace life alongside the child within me, who still remembers her abuse but knows with full clarity it’s only her belief that matters. So often that child is lost from within us and when that happens they take so much more with them than the memory of our abuse. They take that which allows us to feel safety within our vulnerability in honesty and in trust. Maybe it served as a poke in the ribs for me to remind me that I believed in her. There comes a point in our lives where we have to look inside and find our own answers belief in you is the only thing that matters.

Let’s really think about it.

We could have an army of believers standing right behind us shouting our innocence up at the heavens, but that will never make you feel better about yourself unless you can stand there and do so alone. So are we looking for recognition of our abuse? Do we really need it what will it change? The only recognition that is needed is crying out to be heard inside of you. If I’m honest there was many times on this journey where I even doubted myself, so tell me so how would recognition from others have helped me there? Disbelief in yourself eats away at you until you change that emotion far more then to be disbelieved by others. We will move forward only when we eliminate our own distrust in ourselves and embrace those memoires simply because we can’t change them.

Disbelief in ourselves is not even an emotion that we have created it is one that was enforced upon us over the years. Tell someone enough times that it never really happened, that it’s a false memory that you have created within and that doubt starts to creep its way in. We need to remember that if you were only a child when the abuse was part of your life manipulation is our abusers biggest gun. It sure as hell only helps them if we don’t even believe in ourselves. For so many years with regards to my own abuse it was a suppressed memory I guess that was my own coping mechanism. So is it so difficult to see that under certain circumstances doubt rears its ugly head? It would be hard to imagine a more lively debate within the realms of psychology. I’m sure we have all heard the echo in the background of false memory syndrome. It describes a condition in which a person is affected by memories that are not factually or true but ones in which they strongly believe. Wow this topic has the ability to make my skin crawl when I know that there are people out there walking round unpunished because of this analogy. Does it happen? I’m sure that is does but the effect that it has on those that have truly been abused is devastating. If we look toward a court room all the jury needs is that one fragment of doubt it then falls to us to proof that we are speaking the truth and that’s one hell of a big ask. Once more there it is again that doubt standing right in front of us reflecting that emotion back like a mirror image.

So let’s take that leap of faith here today one that you are truly capable of belief in yourself not needing anyone else to pass judgement or to believe. Having them believe won’t take away the pain you feel inside; neither will it stop those nightmares that at times may still frequent your dreams. It won’t stop the back street gossipers that dig around it the dirt without any real ability to understand. Because the absolute truth is that we can’t alter how others may think but that’s their truth which can be fixed invariable and unalterable. Given time it will become clear to you that flogging that dead horse is a pointless exercise.

But what it will do is make you whole……………..