December 2014

Am I A Victim?

VictimA victim – The Interpretation of being a victim should be quite simple should it not? We have all heard this analogy being applied to us from many sources. If we look at the word analogy in its true form we find no argument with it explanation. An analogy is a form of logical argument and when we are thinking logically we are fully aware that we are indeed victims. The word ‘victim’ relates to a person harmed injured or even killed in an accident. It can be a person who feels helpless and passive within a misfortune or ill-treatment. There are victims of domestic violence that live within the fear not knowing what the day will bring, whilst treading on egg shells in the hope that today will be the day the violence will stop. After all that’s a promise given to them by their abuser on so many occasions. Continuing, we can find so many reasons that someone becomes a victim. However if we pull this word apart when becoming a victim, the one thing which stands out is that it’s never of our own choosing.

It’s the nature of my website to try to help unravel the lives of those that have been victims. Being that victim for me was in the form of sexual abuse; I have lived through the process of learning that without doubt and with great conviction that I was a victim. I would truly hope that I have an understanding of what it means to be a victim to those that walk along side of me. It’s something I struggled with for many years always hearing that little voice of doubt.

So how do we reach the point in time where we know without question that the above statement is true? This is where we start to unravel our lives. This is where it all gets a little confusing simply because we still carry around the guilt that you still feel is yours. It’s fair to say that our heads are just a little mixed up whilst struggling with the truth that is staring us full in the face. I will try to explain here how it was for me whilst I struggled still believing that I had to pay for my sins, whilst in truth I was paying for my virtue. This was where I started to believe that which was morally wrong in the hands of someone who had no virtue.

When told we are a victim, we really struggle to accept that we had in play no ball of our own. How can you be a victim you let it go on for so long right? You did nothing to stop the atrocity that was taking place. As a child the thought process above only really takes place in adulthood, but the reality is still always dealt with by your child within when we reach that moment in time. If it were to involve a family member, were you not already betraying those you professed to love? In fact forget that last statement because you were already doing so remaining silent, that question never needs to be asked right? In most cases of abuse it is someone close to us – someone we know well; our abuser’s significant other is then also known to us also. It could be a wife – a grandmother – a sister – a mother – or even a close family friend. But you still let it continue blindly on. But you must remember and take it in to your heart, that you were only armed with the mind of a child. We were out on our own gripped by the undercurrent below us. We can only use the skills we have acquired at that moment it time. Life and all that brings with it is still a mystery for that lost child in the there and then. With that in mind you also feel that you would be the cause of the complete obliteration of the family unit. But that abomination should never be placed on the shoulders of a child. You battle with your thoughts within trying to piece together your broken life. You’re told that it’s a secret and what would happen if you were to reveal that secret.

For me it was my mother whom I had to protect at all cost because quite simply I loved her beyond my own life. Sadly, she is not with us now but she remains in my heart always. Our abusers have perfected an arsenal knowing just which weapon to use to its full affect.

In adulthood trying to make sense of the things that happened to us and the choices we were made to take as a child evokes so many conflicting emotions. We ask ourselves these questions with no hope of an answer anywhere on the playing field. How can we truthfully know what we were feeling as that child? We can only question ourselves in the here and now, which will always bring forward a completely different response. Betrayal was a big one for me to come through; I questioned myself for so long but the answer evaded me for many years. In truth we are all at war with ourselves many times as we go through life I guess that’s the nature of being human. But that war was never going to be a fair fight you never had the artillery in your arsenal at that time for it to be so. What I am trying to say here is that questioning yourself in the here and now is a fool’s errand. It takes great strength to have held on through the blackest point in our history no doubt. But it takes far more strength to let go of the pain by finding yourself at peace within. You see that’s the thing about life it has a nasty habit of going on with or without us, so we need to find a way to get back in the race. We will nearly always experience a relapse whilst running in the race of life. But falling down is not failing it’s the not staying down that measures the strength that has grown inside of you as you have grown. You don’t believe it’s there for so many years, even when armed with the knowledge that you made it through a turbulent current. Not having any choice but to try to swim upstream without ever learning the art of swimming. But there comes a time where you just know it’s somewhat like a peace that settles over you, it’s then you realise you have learnt to swim without any instruction whatsoever. That’s what will make all the difference in the fight to reclaim your life. Maybe you lost that fight so many years ago but it’s within your power right here and now to make sure that ultimately you win the war.

Looking back today I know now without doubt that yes I was a victim, your eyes should be seeing and arriving at the same conclusion. When we feel like a victim we tend not to take action so a change in our mindset has to take place, we need to create a flushing of that mental block that seems to be part of your very core. Until we arrive at a point where we can take our minds to a place within where you are standing toe to toe with our abuser. Sadly we will always be linked by an invisible tread to our abuser that’s a knot that can never been undone. But it’s how we deal with that fact that gives us a balance of power. Whilst that link exists in its current form we continue replaying our past, over and over again. Until we stand still and refuse to be that victim any longer we will always be in inner turmoil and suffering. This action we take for ourselves alone – in that now acquired position of strength.

It’s that point in time where you will look at the glass as being half full and not half empty. Let’s use that metaphor here to continue. It’s time to open that bottle of wine that you have held on to for so long. It’s that special bottle that you thought would never leave that wine cellar. It’s a Chardonnay of the best calibre as we once more drink from the bottle of life.

So let’s return to the heading of this piece – Am I a victim?

The answer to that question is yes; but you are so very far removed from any accountability. You were a victim of the lack of truth and the disregard of any honesty. You were a victim of circumstance; you were a victim of your innocence that was taken away from you in the cruellest of manners. You were the victim of the nightmares that have troubled your sleep for so long. You were a victim of the trust that was ripped away from you; you may even find it hard to trust anyone totally to this very day. You were a victim of your abuser who felt they could strip away all of those things from your life without care at that time.

So let’s look at the conclusion you are striving to arrive at right now in this moment of time. This conclusion is now in your reach or you would not be here with me. Here together let’s spread everything out on the floor before us. You will then see that the only conclusion anyone can arrive at is yes you were a victim. But was that of you’re doing? Not a hope in hell.