September 2013

Are We Evil

EvilThis question used to be at the forefront of my mind, embedded so deeply that there seemed to be no escaping the powerful emotions that it evoked. When did it start? Why was I born this way? How could I stop the terrible things going on all around me? I was hurting so many people. Maybe the answer would be found in prayer. I was willing to do anything to stop my world from falling down all around me. It seemed that everything I touched fell apart; I was just like my dad that was what I was told. My abuser had likened me to him so many times. Clearly I was from bad stock. Something was misfiring within my brain; were my circuits broken? I can’t seem to find a way out of the chaos it’s just a jumbled mess. I know that I am suffering blackouts; moments of time are being lost completely. There is an inherent unpredictability in my behaviour; I feel the need to lash out at the smallest of things but I can’t stop it. Nothing I do will end the pain and suffering that I had created. I’m just like my dad; the words playing over and over in my mind. Someone was hitting the repeat button reiterating just how evil I was lest I forget; some chance didn’t they know that I could never forget. After all I saw my reflection every day, the evil staring back at me with that dark look of menace. I’m not sure that prayer was the answer, maybe the answer to my questions would only ever found within the dark arts. This merry-go-round I was on must surely come to a stop at some point. I felt as if I was taking on the world, or was the world taking me on? Maybe I had made a pact with the Devil himself? Did I even believe in Heaven and Hell? I knew the Devil was out there; he was shadowing my every move. Who was I kidding? He had completely taken me over. I know that my real father had beaten my mother; I was in fact one month early because of a boot thrown at her in just another rage. The pub was where he spent most of his time, starving both her and us children of food, whilst choosing to spend his money on alcohol. Clearly I was from a bad seed because I was also choosing to hide my head in the bottle, but it was the only way I could get through the day. Waking each morning to a raging headache, sometimes spending the day running back and forth to the toilet as my body could no longer contain the poison I was inflicting on it. I couldn’t stop the memories were just too painful; I had to find some relieve even if only for a short while. I felt like a mouse running as fast as I could on a wheel that never stopped turning. So what of my soul did I even have one? If so it must be as black as coal. How could I fight the badness within that I was born with?

Let’s stop here and let the words above sink in do you really believe all of the above? I know that for many right at this moment in time the resounding reply would be a firm yes. I’m not going to even try to knock that reaction, because I myself lived through the whole experience. When you have been brainwashed to this extent, it’s a hell of a dark hole to climb out of; you may as well be at the bottom of an abyss. Light seems to be something that avoids you, sometimes of your own choosing as the darkness seems to hold some quarter of safety. Unconditional surrender to it seems to be the only answer; there is nowhere to look in order to find clemency. So there we sit doing just what our abuser hoped to achieve. We are just where he spent so many years trying to send us. Over more we seem to be happy there, the only other way was to fight it but that’s not an option right? Because it’s a fight we believe we have no hope in hell of winning. But the truth of the matter is that we are just puppets on strings, dancing to any tunes our abusers felt they could play. In truth they are not even involved in the scenario anymore; we are the only ones hearing the tunes. My own bobbed around for so long in my head that it felt empty once I found the strength to call it to a halt. To clarify, as if it needs to be said, it’s not an easy ride. But the real question you have to ask yourself without doubt sits right up there if you choose to look – is your life so easy now? Do you stay within the puppet show choosing to look the other way? There will come a time in your life where that’s no longer an option. We all have to arrive at a point in our lives where we have no other option than to stare our Demons square in the face. My aim here is to make the transition for you as short as possible.

Let’s now return to the top of the page and that overwhelming question – Are we evil? The resounding reply to that question is no. You were a child with the forethought and understanding of a child. The evil that sits all around us during that time is in the mind of our abusers, making it seem as if it was our life choice. You never had a choice. As children we look to those we love and our peers as to the rights and wrongs of life. As we grow we carry that pain along with us, until there comes a time when we all encounter that brick wall. It’s out there in front of us; there is no avoiding it; the wall always wins. So now we have a choice maybe for many for the first time in our lives. We can take it down one brick at a time or feel its full force when we encounter it. Together any wall can be pushed over; we are able to find that strength within each other. Your journey starts from just looking behind for a short period of time to take hold of those strings; on doing so you become the puppeteer. Once done there is no longer any need for backward glances; it’s now long past the time for you to look to the future . . .