Lost days – if you have ever been abused we all have them. Days that we either choose to push back into the recesses of our mind, or we have completely lost all memory of them. To this very day I still recognise this trait within me. In truth the only difference is that I no longer feel the need to revisit them to rake over my past. Having finally dealt with my past I no longer have that overwhelming compunction. Control is now totally within my grasp. If of my choosing I were to walk through that door once more, I would now be able to face the demons that lurk within, whilst leaving again unharmed. For some of you out there it is impossible to even think this possible, surly this is something you will have to live with your entire life. That place in time is only something that you can only dream of. The thing to remember is what we are never changes, but who we are changes all the time. The saddest thing that you can ever do is lose yourself, I’m not even sure that you know you have lost yourself until you have. When this happens we have truly reached rock bottom. This is the time we need to remember with clarity, to take strength in the knowledge that you have survived this far against all the odds. This is the time where we need to let go, to try to find answers to all the questions that have been there for so long.
There is a statement to be made that there are some questions that never need to be asked, along with questions that should never be answered. That is so very wide of the mark. Until you have embraced the fact that these questions need to be addressed, you will continue on the merry-go-round, never able to leave that ride. If I have learned anything over the years it is that delay is the surest sign of denial. For many years we strive to disguise ourselves to others, but this is the surest path to the misconception that we can disguise ourselves to our self. If your abuser is a family member there is nothing more difficult than trying to understanding the mind of your abuser. But it’s something that we have to strive towards. Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you but trusting that they won’t. If this love and trust is for a family member it’s within you from birth, unquestionable for the one person you felt would die to protect you.
A thought entered my mind last night during an interview that hit home hard: Fairy tales don’t tell the children that a dragon exists, the child already knows that the dragon exists. The only difference is that children are told that the dragon can be killed.
So how do we deal with the feelings caused by this portrayal? The undeniable fact is that sometimes we need the space to be alone; for this is the place that if we look deep enough within we will find our answers. It’s true to say that this is a very lonely place to be, which in turn may lead to feelings of a fractured life where we feel pulled apart cut off and isolated. But until you let go of who you think you are, you will never become the person you were meant to be.
Yes: there are days we can never reclaim, but are we going to continue on wasting the days that stretch out before us? Do we continue on thinking that we will deal with it tomorrow? We all know that tomorrow never comes. However many years we still have stretched out in front of us, we have the ability to make them count. Let go of the pain that has followed you around for it seems like forever. Close that chapter of your life because the play ended many years ago, and the curtain has come down. You are now the director, able to move in any direction you feel is right for you. You have the ability within to map out the rest of your life as you wish it to be. Take heart in the fact that the fat lady has already sung you have just failed to hear her . . .