More than once to date I have received an email from an abuser and not the abused. The question that must pop in to our heads is why? Why would someone of that ilk visit my web page? Is it not rubbing their noise in it? Are their reasons for being here pure? After much pondering, I have decided to write this piece to those of you that have.
If you are here then maybe there is a way to terminate this continued devastation. Can I help you realise, see clearly the excessive damage and destruction you have caused to others. Can it even be repaired, or does that avenue no longer exist for you? Can I highlight here that ultimate control is exercised by the use of self-control? There are so many questions that I may never know the real answers to, without a monumental leap of faith on my part. As I sit here looking for the right words to explore this subject, I realise that it’s a very big ask. I have only ever known one side of the coin.
To try to come to some kind of understanding, will require me to look at things from the other side. Am I uncomfortable with that? You can bet your life I am.
Let’s start with the statement I have heard used so many times: I was an abused child – I was abused within a relationship. We know this to be a statement of truth because of our own past experiences; abuse is out there in so many ways. But the argument we now find ourselves in creates a massive divide – not all who were abused abuse. There is an argument put forward that it’s only the weak that walk that road that they are not strong enough to overcome the adversity suffered. That calamitous event within their lives had left them with no choice. How do we answer that? Is it only the weak that are abused? In my own case that statement is so very far removed from the truth. It was a case of – the strong require firmer handling – likened to owning the fastest car – not a horse but a stallion – breaking that spirit was all the more rewarding – I was a challenge – it was all about the power.
I was a guest on a radio show some months back now (GH Radio Michigan) when a lady came in to the chat-room to ask me a question. This lady had seen her mother abused terribly by her stepfather but it did not stop there. She herself was the victim of his abuse for many years. For years she felt like she was walking in the desert dying of thirst, without finding forgiveness for either herself or her abuser. Until the day she felt she could not continue on, without exercising some sort of payback. If I tell you now that this lady contacted me from prison, you can understand my sadness. It pained me to hear the route that she took. In the cold light of day she had purchased a gun, and seeking him out she took his life. This man had taken so much from her in her youth . . . he had now also taken the rest of her life from her through her own actions. She then asked me if she had done the right thing, my heartfelt reply was no not for her . . . Whist I am unable to condone the taking of a life, I am also unable to condone or judge her either. So here I sit on the fence, intently feeling the splinters from both sides. Wondering if during my own journey to recovery, was I only a hop skip and a jump away from that route also. Abuse costs life’s in more than one way that comes to the mind easily.
Some years ago I was to meet a lady that would become my best friend; she herself had been in and out of Mental Health Care for many years. She had been a victim of sexual abuse from her Grandfather, then again later in life of physical abuse from her husband. Over the years I have known her she has grown so very much, I am so extremely proud of her. We have spent many a night burning the midnight oil. On one of those said occasions, she chose to tell me that through her own pain she herself had become an abuser. I am not talking here of sexual abuse but purely physical. Her partner became the enemy and the receiver of this said abuse. If we sit and think about that statement it’s not rational, but at that point in her life she had not yet learned to overcome her own demons. I am not going to sit here and divulge it all blow-by-blow, that is not the point of me mentioning this conversation. It’s merely to say that this is something she regrets immensely. The ultimate cost to her was the loss of that relationship. She always makes a point of reading my blog posts, and I know that more than once she has relived every painful moment of her own life through doing so. This post will be no different as she faces down her own fears with regret. Today she should be extremely proud of herself. Change is possible she is a shining example to that statement. Does she know that I have included her story here? You bet your life on it.
Coming to the end of this piece I feel myself asking if these words will ever make a difference. The answer to that question should go something like this – If you are brave enough to still be here reading, then hopefully you have already made the choice for yourself to change . . . don’t waste another minute . . .