November 2011

The crutch we depend on

I’m in a bad way: I have only just made it to the bathroom before throwing up; sitting there on my cold floor tiles I put my head between my knees just to keep upright. The room is spinning, rotating all around me like some never-ending merry-go-round. I know that this is where I will sleep tonight, not trusting myself to be too far away from the bathroom. Its cold the house is in darkness and has never felt so empty. It’s just me and my drunken stupor, along with my demons, which once again this evening I had attempted to drown. That night had started like any other. Just one drink it will take the edge off . . . two would surely not hurt . . . the third is to convince yourself that you are in control and not the bottle. You can stop at the drop of a hat, but it would be your decision. You did not need or want any advice, did you ask for it? Why can’t they mind their own business? By the time you get to your fifth you know it’s helping, the pain has receded somewhat. You know what you’re doing it was just for tonight, tomorrow will bring a new day you will stop then. By this point if I’m honest the count is immaterial. I sit backwards and lean against the wall, a bad move, once more I retch without any joy. My stomach is now empty, but it seems my system was still trying to rid me of the toxic elements. I then fall into a drink induced sleep, curled into a tight fetal position, hugging the child within me with all my might.

For some of you like me the above is an all too familiar situation, although for me it’s now past tense. For others your crutch may be different. Drugs are also a path that I know has been walked down, through conversations between myself and others. In an effort to block out the pain we visit places of real danger. Is there a difference? Although this was never a route I tried, I personal see none whatsoever. It’s your comfort blanket no more no less. So how do we stop this rendition of Ground-hog Day? The sad fact is that for a time we can’t, the scary part is that we really don’t want to do so. We need the support of our crutch, whichever one we feel supports us the most. It’s not easy to let go of the only thing you feel you have left to take you through the day. You need this to be able to retreat when the world is just too much to take, a place where you are oblivious to all that is going on around you. You’re told that you have to take some control of this off the wall behaviour, the argument is made that if you can go for days without this prop, well then you just don’t need it. I can only speak for myself here, but those words were alien to me for so long. The problem is that it’s not understood that during those days of abstaining; you have been fighting with everything you have, in order to do just as they ask.

So how do we get to a place where we feel we are able to let go of that crutch, where we can once more control our urge to drink or take the pills to survive? I am not going to sit here and lie to you, because the point I am trying to make here will be lost. It’s going to take a lot of hard work on your part; it will mean putting your trust in someone who in some manner or form replaces that misplaced security. Take one day at a time. Don’t run before you can walk; go at your own pace, not the one set for you. You are the one with complete knowledge of the rate you can move forward. Some days it will feel like the world is falling away from under you, but it’s ok to feel that way. It’s all part of the bigger picture where you grow in strength. Allowing yourself those days are going to be part of your recovery, and yes there will be days when you stumble or fall. Beating yourself up about it has no real purpose, remind yourself that while on this road to recovery, there was always going to be an exception. Keep walking forward towards that mountain, by the time you get there it will have already have become a hill. Change your mind-set. Instead of rebuffing yourself for the bad days, praise yourself for the days that went well. It may seem that you are not progressing, but there will come a day when the scales become weighted in the other direction. The good days are outweighing the bad. You will be able to face the world once more, with nothing holding you there but gravity. Stand tall, stand proud, you alone have made this journey in the way and time frame that worked for you. There may still be some doubting Thomas’s out there that are asking can I really do this? You need to believe it was never in question. Deep inside of you your soul was waiting to take flight once more, the only question that ever needed to be asked was regarding the time frame . . .

Extended Interview With Jasmine Sampson A Complete MeditationTechnique

Please follow the link below for a complete Meditation section. As we once more deal with the issue of forgiveness.

Abusers That Abuse

More than once to date I have received an email from an abuser and not the abused. The question that must pop in to our heads is why? Why would someone of that ilk visit my web page? Is it not rubbing their noise in it? Are their reasons for being here pure? After much pondering, I have decided to write this piece to those of you that have.

If you are here then maybe there is a way to terminate this continued devastation. Can I help you realise, see clearly the excessive damage and destruction you have caused to others. Can it even be repaired, or does that avenue no longer exist for you? Can I highlight here that ultimate control is exercised by the use of self-control? There are so many questions that I may never know the real answers to, without a monumental leap of faith on my part. As I sit here looking for the right words to explore this subject, I realise that it’s a very big ask. I have only ever known one side of the coin.

To try to come to some kind of understanding, will require me to look at things from the other side. Am I uncomfortable with that? You can bet your life I am.

Let’s start with the statement I have heard used so many times: I was an abused child – I was abused within a relationship. We know this to be a statement of truth because of our own past experiences; abuse is out there in so many ways. But the argument we now find ourselves in creates a massive divide – not all who were abused abuse. There is an argument put forward that it’s only the weak that walk that road that they are not strong enough to overcome the adversity suffered. That calamitous event within their lives had left them with no choice. How do we answer that? Is it only the weak that are abused? In my own case that statement is so very far removed from the truth. It was a case of – the strong require firmer handling – likened to owning the fastest car – not a horse but a stallion – breaking that spirit was all the more rewarding – I was a challenge – it was all about the power.

I was a guest on a radio show some months back now (GH Radio Michigan) when a lady came in to the chat-room to ask me a question. This lady had seen her mother abused terribly by her stepfather but it did not stop there. She herself was the victim of his abuse for many years. For years she felt like she was walking in the desert dying of thirst, without finding forgiveness for either herself or her abuser. Until the day she felt she could not continue on, without exercising some sort of payback. If I tell you now that this lady contacted me from prison, you can understand my sadness. It pained me to hear the route that she took. In the cold light of day she had purchased a gun, and seeking him out she took his life. This man had taken so much from her in her youth . . . he had now also taken the rest of her life from her through her own actions. She then asked me if she had done the right thing, my heartfelt reply was no not for her . . . Whist I am unable to condone the taking of a life, I am also unable to condone or judge her either. So here I sit on the fence, intently feeling the splinters from both sides. Wondering if during my own journey to recovery, was I only a hop skip and a jump away from that route also. Abuse costs life’s in more than one way that comes to the mind easily.

Some years ago I was to meet a lady that would become my best friend; she herself had been in and out of Mental Health Care for many years. She had been a victim of sexual abuse from her Grandfather, then again later in life of physical abuse from her husband. Over the years I have known her she has grown so very much, I am so extremely proud of her. We have spent many a night burning the midnight oil. On one of those said occasions, she chose to tell me that through her own pain she herself had become an abuser. I am not talking here of sexual abuse but purely physical. Her partner became the enemy and the receiver of this said abuse. If we sit and think about that statement it’s not rational, but at that point in her life she had not yet learned to overcome her own demons. I am not going to sit here and divulge it all blow-by-blow, that is not the point of me mentioning this conversation. It’s merely to say that this is something she regrets immensely. The ultimate cost to her was the loss of that relationship. She always makes a point of reading my blog posts, and I know that more than once she has relived every painful moment of her own life through doing so. This post will be no different as she faces down her own fears with regret. Today she should be extremely proud of herself. Change is possible she is a shining example to that statement. Does she know that I have included her story here? You bet your life on it.

Coming to the end of this piece I feel myself asking if these words will ever make a difference. The answer to that question should go something like this – If you are brave enough to still be here reading, then hopefully you have already made the choice for yourself to change . . . don’t waste another minute . . .