Let’s first turn our attention to the outside world looking in. We have unstable minds, deliberately causing untold injury to ourselves, whilst finding or being given justification. No one in their right mind would be able to do such a thing, what perverse pleasure are we striving for? Questioning our sanity fully aware the question has already been asked and answered. They turn to our Psychiatrists for answers; how can they stop us doing this? How do they deal with the dilemma now facing them? Make no question this is all about them loving us, trying to shield us from any more harm than we have already experienced. There are so many books out there; maybe that’s where they will find the answers. Anything is worth a try, they can’t sit and watch us 24 hours a day it’s just not possible. Then there’s the guilt they feel when leaving us to our own devises, unaware of what they may find on their return. They see themselves losing all control whilst striving to help us in our recovery. Sadly they are between a rock and a hard place.
Control is the key word here as we explore the other side of the coin, inside the bubble that we have created for ourselves. Whilst trying to claw back any control whatsoever.
For many like me, all control was removed the day our abuse started. Control is not always as straight forward as it seems, in the way many people regard it. From an early age we are told by our abuser that they are in control and that we best not ever forget that, and in truth you don’t. Even in adulthood when the abuse may or may not be behind you, you follow the golden rule. Your abuser doesn’t need to be there for this to happen, you’re conditioned this way until the day you find the strength to heal. Add to that the enormous pressure within the mental health care you receive. Even that is not straight forward; healing us takes structure. The script and time frame as they would have it, capitulating to their will. You’re asked to revisit a place that was all about control, a place of pain whilst in the hands of your abuser. The ultimate control that we have been fighting all our life’s to regain. The people who love us try to control our movements in fear of what we may or may not do. So what’s left for you? You embark on the road to Self harm.
The pain tearing you apart inside has been there for so long, that you have no control over it whatsoever. Overly more you never had. But you can control the pain you feel on the outside, that pain can then become the focal point. If you hurt enough physically, maybe it will shut out the pain of your terrifying memory. For my part it was something I tried to hide, choosing to create this pain where it was not visible, the more it hurt the less I thought about my painful past. I would never let it get to a place of healing, before I once more felt the need to open up the wounds. The most important factor in this whole issue is that you are in sole control. You can choose when or how to inflict the pain. Self harm is yours and yours alone. For all of this to make sense to people who have never been in this place, is really asking for far too much. All that matters to you is that one word – control. No one can take this from you, you choose how where and when. So how can we replace emotional pain by inflicting the physical? The truth be told is that we can’t, it deadens the nerve just enough to get us through the day.
The above story is happening all over the world as I speak, but it’s a journey we can come back from. Will it be easy? I’m Sorry to say that it won’t, but that should not hinder your journey to recovery. You will never take a bigger stride in your life, than the one you will make towards your journey’s end. But please believe me when I say, that’s the time you take back control of your life once and for all. From that point on the control becomes yours alone . . .