I’ve just returned home after another session with my Psychiatrist; today has really not gone well. I was asked to visit a place that had so many bad memories for me. Dealing with the sexual side of my rehabilitation is a killer. I know that I need this psychotherapeutic treatment, because I am drowning in my own pain. How do I put into words the sheer agony that I feel inside when I revisit that place. It feels like someone is tearing out the very heart of me, leaving me feeling hollow and empty. Every dirty moment relived. Surrender because I was too weak to fight back. I can feel his hands on me just as if it was yesterday, but the truth is that many years have passed. Then there’s the Psychological side of the coin, where you can’t escape your thoughts. So much so that you wish you could reach inside your head and rip out the entire episode. So which hurts the most?
Can you even compare the two? They are separate yet interlinked; you can’t deal with one without the other joining in. It’s far from a fair fight. There are no Queens-berry rules here, each growing in mass as they feed off each other’s misery. A game of Ping Pong between the two; where I have no hope of even seeing the ball. I know this effect will not lift an inch today, not a cat in hells chance. I try to remove myself from my home situation retreating to the bedroom, knowing that I am in a bad place and best left to my own devises. But it’s clearly not working. Questions so many questions, I feel as if my head is about to explode why can’t I just be left alone? You can feel it coming over you, mounting with each second that passes. There’s a heat rising within you that you know you will not be able to control, anger emanating from your very being. It should be visible to all as it engulfs you: too late – the moment has passed for them to retreat; you hit out at the only one there. All control is lost they become the enemy, and words are spilling out of my mouth with such venom. If they think it’s that easy then maybe they should go in your place. Then the inevitable statement – If this is how it affects you why do you attend at all? Which brings us back to the question; you have been asking yourself all day. I could elaborate here but I see no need, if you have ever been in this position no other exploration is needed. If you haven’t then the explanation you are looking for will ever materialise. The aftermath in this situation often differs, but the situation above more than not pushes the one you love to breaking point. How can we expect them to understand when it’s so far from a normal? There has not been a book written that can truthfully outline the intense emotions felt when you have been on the receiving end of such abuse. Once again it falls to us to regulate our reaction, to change the negatives to positives. If we don’t or choose not to, then we run a real risk of losing the only good thing left in our lives. Yes: we are loved, but everyone has a breaking point – a point of no return. Take heed it’s a lonely road to walk of which I speak from experience . . .
Here is the link to listen to my interview with swoopworld
It’s dark and I have no idea of where I am nothing around me looks Familiar, I can hear voices just out of eye shot. My head feels as if it may explode and I am fighting the urge to throw up. There is a swell of disinfectant hanging in the air which is not helping me much. I sit up in bed and try to take in my surroundings. I was not meant to be here; I had taken the decision to close my eyes for the very last time. I feel cheated; once more any control over my own life had been taken from me. Why could they not just let me go, did they not see that this was the best thing for all concerned? By removing the cancer the epidemic would be over. Everyone’s life would revert to the way it had been before I had caused this vast devastation. My life had been the only thing I had left to offer up as a sacrifice. Someone is standing next to me asking if I would like some tea, I can’t even muster the energy to reply. I turn my head into the pillow and cry silent tears; the pain inside of me is the only thing I can concentrate on. I had nowhere else to fall I had hit rock bottom. I am sure these words hit home with so many of you out there, and sadly we won’t be the last. So let’s talk some more about the fallout after this situation. People say things to you like “you tried to take the easy way out” “you’re too much of a coward to go on living” “your selfish only thinking of yourself” I am sure there are a few other gems out there I have left out, but they all equate to the same thing. These words are said to us by the people we love; because the thought that they may have lost us provokes an angry in them that they are unable to express, or can’t find the words that would make a difference. The truth is there isn’t any coming from that quarter. The answer lies within you. I can tell you here and now, that sitting with a bottle of pills and a bottle of cider was not at all easy, how in the hell can it be? Granted at that time you are not of sound mind, because the pain to go on living is just too much. But that does not make it easy, of that you can take my word. In the cold light of day a fear runs through you like an ice-cold dagger, but this is only in hindsight. Driving home hard just how many people you would have hurt, because of your complete and utter break down. What we need to realise is that removing ourselves from the equation was never going to be the answer; the devastation we feel we created will go on, we just won’t be there to see it. So is it bravery to take the so-called easy way out? Or take control of your life once more? Having tried the first I can tell you at this time in my life, that it was completely the wrong thing to do, and there will never be a repeat performance from me. My message to you having done both is that living is always going to be harder, but the rewards it brings with it in time are something you don’t what to miss. So when you feel that all is lost and there is no way back for you, dig deep; take an intake of breath, put your best foot forward; the rest will follow on behind. You have so much to give; it may take a little time to realise this, but if you are no longer with us you will never know . . .
Who do we see when we look in the mirror? You should be so comfortable with the face you were born with. We have seen ourselves grow and change, from the pictures we have witnessed when we were children. The truth is we never see the real us, the reflection always differs from the way that others see us. I am sure you know what I am talking about here, we think we are to fat but others tell us that not the case. Our hair never seems to look good, while friends ask us for our stylist’s telephone number. Your noise is too big. Why can’t I look that good in jeans? I could fill this page with examples, but I am sure they are not needed. Now here’s the kicker. For those that have suffered with mental Health, for those who are still within its care umbrella, the picture in front of us is so much darker. This is because we are no longer concerned with our outside appearance. We don’t even see that ugly fat person in front of us now; all we can see are the dark shadows lurking deep inside of us. That small child within us has been lost. Is it possible to look good on the outside, while deep inside you are dying from the inside out? To answer that question if asked of me at that time, it would be a compounding and definite yes. I lost all my self-worth, totally believing that I was not worthy of loving. That the monster inside of me had taken over. I believed it to be seen by others also so clearly. But the truth is that the monster is only recognised by us, no one else can look into that mirror and see what we see. If you are ever going to alter that image you may find yourself in the fight of your life, but there will never be a more worthy one. It’s true to say that for many of us years have gone by since our baptism by fire, but sadly we are still affected by our past. It’s likened to Groundhog Day, where it seems we are happy to relive it daily. Why? The answer to that is never going to be easy. Maybe facing it is just too painful, but there comes a time for all of us where turning away is no longer an option. It’s so evident to me on reflection tempered by my own personal experience, that with the right help we can all evict that monster from our lives. There is a feeling of let’s not stir things up; the past is the past that’s where it should remain. But the truth is that it was never left, we are still dragging it along with us. We can change that. All that is missing or lacking is the strength to move on. Each and every one of us will find that strength in an array of different places. So how do I know this? Simply because it’s a journey I have taken. That does not make me all-seeing; when I hit rock bottom the only place to go for me was up. It’s a journey that you too can make; we all have the capacity to do so. Through the blood sweat and tears you will once more emerge. The real you that may have been lost to circumstance which was not of you’re making. It may seem like we are once more putting ourselves in harm’s way, that revisiting those times has no real purpose. But how can we move on with our lives if we are unable to close that chapter behind us. Search for the innocence that was yours before it was taken from you; learn to love yourself once more. Find that self-worth that should never have been ripped away from you. Anything is possible; I have every faith in you as you should have in yourself.
It’s raining and I am kneeling next to my father’s grave. The dirty water and mud swish all around me but I pay no mind. I have so many questions that need to be answered by a man that has been dead for so many years. Do I remember him or only the stories I have been told over the years? I was only three when he departed this world. As far back as I can remember my Stepfather had told me that I was just like him. My Father had been a violent drunk; my mother had endured a life of hell under what should have been his sheltering wing. Just over an hour ago I met my Grandfather for the first time that I can bring to mind. I had asked him the same questions that I was now asking of the man that should have been my protector. Why had he cared so little for his family? A story was relayed to me of a time he had nearly lost his life diving into the sea to rescue a dog, proving it seemed to my Grandfather’s mind that there was evidence of good within him. This would beg the question; did we not matter as much? Should it not have been us that he would have risked his life for? It seemed not. Could I myself not render a reply? After all I’m just like him; this had been hit home hard for so many years. But I had spent so little time with him was it genetic? If so how could I alter it? I had been conditioned to expect the worst in any given situation I was evolved in. The rain is getting heavier running down my face mixing in with the tears I am unable to control. I sit back to alleviate the crapping pain in my legs, how do I come to terms with the legacy he left me? I am not sure how long I was sitting there while trying to make peace with my maker, asking of heaven to show me the route to my salvation. When I left there that day all those negative thoughts were banished from my mind. So maybe my questions had been answered. Many people out there have been affected by the same such scenario, I hear so many stories that could run alongside mine and fit right in. But the fact is who we are and how we treat others is of our own making. Although it may suit others to have us believe differently. The route we walk can alter immensely, just by taking hold of our lives at the scruff of the neck and giving it a shake. No one is born to be bad. If someone out there is making you feel that you are on the road to hell, that you deserve to be there. Maybe they are just looking in the mirror…..
Follow the link to my second interview with GH Radio. We covered so much and the show was very thought provoking. I had the opportunity to take calls and messages. For me it was another journey to empowerment and healing, we must carry on reaching out.
I am sitting next to my mum holding her hand, just as I have been doing for the last thirty days. They have just turned off the life support; I watched her dying breath as it escaped her tiny body. She had gone to hospital with lower back pain, a complaint that should never have caused the loss of life. My head is in my hands, it feels like my body is being torn apart by the hounds of hell. How in the world could this happen. On arrival she had not been seen by the consultant in charge of that particular ward, the reasoning for this? He was on holiday. On his return after some seven days she was rushed to theatre. But this would prove to be far too late. I had walked with her as far as possible, coming to an abrupt halt at the theatre doors. The last words she spoke were to tell me that she loved me, she would never speak again. She had totally and utterly forgiven me for my part in the madness that had ensued. That day part of me went with her, never to be reclaimed. Some months later I would attend a formal hearing, where the duty of care was discussed. Tears are streaming down my face; I can’t focus on anything through the haze. The outcome was never really a surprise for me; once again she would touch the world with fairy dust. During her life she had given freely all that was asked of her, now even in death she had been able to reach out to others. During that meeting steps were taken to alter the macabre situation we had found ourselves in. Never again would anyone go through the torment felt because it increased a consultant’s work load. There is still an invisible thread that runs between us, one that however stretched will always hold fast even in death. They say the good die young, he or she was too good for this world .Both proverbs sit well with me. We may have no comprehension of the path that has been ours to walk. We may have no understanding of the battles we were made to face. But if we share this with others through our pain, they have a meaning a reason for being. We can then take a horrendous situation and spread a little fairy dust of our own.
When these words are spoken they are always received differently, depending on the impact they have on the person hearing them. For those of you like me who have gone through this experience, we also have a magnitude of different responses. Every one of us has a different story to tell. But let’s first go to those on the outside looking in. There is a stigma attached to those words that was never part of their remit. Association if recognised could taint their very being. They scoot around us with an uneasy feeling as though it were taboo to ask the question. Is this a reasonable reaction? Do they mean to make us feel as if we have the plague? The answer to my mind is a very easy one it’s a firm know. The way the system is run in many ways gives weight to those seemingly measured thoughts. It’s treated as an under the counter transaction, that should not bring it’s baggage along with it. So many things need to change if we are to alter their prospective. Mental Health is an illness, that should be treated much the same as any chronic condition. It’s ok to ask us how we are feeling, when returning to work after time away to heal, we won’t go up in smoke or become an out of control entity. We are still the same person we were before our episode; we need to move on in leaps and bounds to push this message home.
So let’s come back to us and our own insecurities. How do we prepare for that first day back at work? Will we be walking around with a sticker firmly pasted on our forehead, announcing to the world that we nearly made it to the funny farm? How should we respond to the questions that are asked of us from the brave? How many times have we asked others how they are feeling after time away? Would they really want an honest answer? Or is it just a courtesy? Do they want to sit with you for a time and discuss the truth? Should we just put it out there, make a joke about it as if we too can see the funny side. Do we make it quite clear, that there is no discussing the matter in any way shape or form? Do we see someone we know in the far distance and alter our route in avoidance? I myself have experienced each and every one of these scenarios.
If we were to put these two misconceptions together what would we be left with? To my mind for so many years, it became me on one side of the street and them on the other. Today I sit here and announce that those thoughts no longer have any head space. I have managed to close that divide through the power of healing. So I say to you here and now, please don’t imagine that for you there is just no way back. Simply because if you are strong enough to deal with the episodes consuming you while searching for a way back to the light, then you’re sure as hell strong enough to conquer anything.
enjoyed my interview with Trish, we touched all some very emotive subjects. Just follow the link
I am honoured to have been asked to become a team member of a new show on BlogTalkRadio. The name of the show is “Teens at crossroads” As well as me the other team members are Lori Finnila (Women Empowerment who is its spearhead) Tammy Gagnon (who wrote the book “No Longer Silent”) and Laurie Ann Smith (Dreamcatchers who is such an advocate for abused kids) we share our stories and speak about the projects we’re working on, while reaching out for sponsors and donations for our future goal. That goal is to open resource centres across America and beyond.These kids need to be off the streets. Removed from any type of abuse. Before they take their childhood with them in to adulthood. The introduction song to our show is called “Bless the Beast and the Children” Written and performed by The Carpenters. For those of you that don’t know his song, please visit the link below. No other words need to be spoken…….