Posted By teresa on April 1, 2013
Posted By teresa on April 1, 2013
Posted By teresa on March 26, 2013
The above two words could be seen as travelling in each other’s company, but this concept could not be further away from the truth. If you have every walked the road I was set to travel the difference is insurmountable. Many may even think that the difference is only marginal so why split hairs? We have all at some point in our lives been involved in a sympathetic conversation, given someone that we care about a hug that will make everything turn out right. As we ourselves have received and taken comfort from. It’s an act of the power of sharing our feelings with another, an expression of pity or sorrow which acts as a two way street. In a word we are sharing ourselves with another with an understanding of the place they find themselves in. At some point or another we ourselves have experienced something similar. Sometimes all it takes is a hug given either way to make everything seems less painful. We see things so much clearer simply because we are stronger within this united force. We can now move forward in the knowledge that we know where we are going. Because of this alliance we have a greater understanding of the place we have been. The tears you have cried have been washed away; Sympathy has made all the difference.
Empathy however is a whole different kettle of fish, a whole new ball game, a horse of a different color. I could go on here but I’m sure I have made my point.
To be empathetic you have to draw on resources that sympathy could never hope to cover. Your life’s path must have traveled very closely within the pain that is sitting there in front of you; you can almost feel the tormented troubled mind screaming out for is release. No explanation needs to be given, and no explanation needs to be heard. You’re looking at a mirror image that seems as if it has always been your shadow. Your mind in running away as fast as it can, because it remembers the pain you yourself have suffered. But it seems no matter how fast the light can travel it always finds the darkness. So do you run before the memories flood in? Can you share their demons and still remain in control? Can we let our mask slip leaving ourselves vulnerable? These are all questions we face in the complete understanding of another’s abuse. Over the last few years it has become so very clear to me that yes the above is indeed possible. When we draw from our pain to walk with another the empathy is served both ways. I guess that the best way to explain it is that unless you have walked in the other mans shoes you will never know if they fit.
During my time of talking to other survivors we all seem to have found the same thing, talking to another survivor increases the healing process tenfold. There are so many professionals out there that do an excellent job, but this knowledge has been acquired through study hard work and the good grace to want to help others. We can never think that these professionals are not needed because that would be an untruth; I myself found my first tiny steps forward by drawing from their knowledge, so lest we not forget their input. The only difference quite frankly is that you can’t learn how it feels to be abused. If we are lucky enough to have found the way through our own demons we are the best person for that job.
So let’s return to that person sitting in front of you and the pain you see within that’s so very real. How can you ever say the right thing? You have a feeling of words are just not enough they would just seem so empty. You remember your own struggle so clearly now, and the journey you yourself had to take. So what was it that made the difference for you was it just words? This I can say without doubt that it’s always the spoken word that makes a difference.
The other difference we may be forgiven for if missed.
When we really break it down it’s just so very simple. If you what to learn to drive you consult a driving instructor. If kayaking is your thing you need to be on the river with someone that respects the water and its dangers. When we look at other aspects of our lives it is a simple choice, we consult those that can teach us how. So is it so very different whilst dealing with our abuse pain and emotions?
As a survivor you have the knowledge that if nurtured in the right fashion can make all the difference. If you can learn to walk back within your own pain to that gateway of understanding, then you have a gift to impart that has taken you a life time to achieve. We lose so much because of our past within abuse, that there has to be some good found within. Your journey has given you the power to step up and show the world that the road ahead can be met with hope.
You are the difference we may be forgiven for if missed……………….
Posted By teresa on January 20, 2013
Posted By teresa on January 18, 2013
Lost days – if you have ever been abused we all have them. Days that we either choose to push back into the recess of our mind, or we have completely lost all memory of them. To this very day I still recognise this trait within me. In truth the only difference is that I no longer feel the need to revisit them to rake over my past. Having finally dealt with my past I no longer have that over welling compunction. Control is now totally within my grasp. If of my choosing I were to walk through that door once more, I would now be able to face the demons that lurk within, whilst leaving again unharmed. For some of you out there it is impossible to even think this possible, surly this is something you will have to live with your entire life. That place in time is only something that you can only dream of. The thing to remember is what we are never changes, but who we are changes all the time. The saddest thing that you can ever do is lose yourself, I’m not even sure that you know you have lost yourself until you have. When this happens we have truly reached rock bottom. This is the time we need to remember with clarity, to take strength in the knowledge that you have survived this far against all the odds. This is the time where we need to let go, to try to find answers to all the questions that have been there for so long.
There is a statement to be made that there are some questions that never need to be asked, along with questions that should never be answered. That is so very wide of the mark. Until you have embraced the fact that these questions need to be addressed, you will continue on the merry- go- round never able to leave that ride. If I have learnt anything over the years it is that delay is the surest sign of denial. For many years we strive to disguise ourselves to others, but this is the surest path to the misconception that we can disguise ourselves to our self. If your abuser is a family member there is nothing more difficult than trying to understanding the mind of your abuser. But it’s something that we have to strive towards. Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you but trusting that they won’t. If this love and trust is for a family member it’s within you from birth, unquestionable for the one person you felt would die to protect you.
A thought entered my mind last night during an interview that hit home hard.
Fairy tales don’t tell the children that a dragon exists, the child already knows that the dragon’s exists. The only difference is that children are told that the dragon can be killed.
So how do we deal with the utter portrayal felt? The undeniable fact is that sometimes we need the space to be alone; for this is the place that if we look deep enough within we will find our answers. It’s true to say that this is a very lonely place to be, which in turn may lead to feelings of a fractured life where we feel pulled apart cut off and isolated. But until you let go of who you think you are you will never become the person you were meant to be.
Yes there are days we can never reclaim, but are we going to continue on wasting the days that stretch out before us? Do we continue on thinking that we will deal with it tomorrow? We all know that tomorrow never comes. However many years we still have stretched out in front of us, we have the ability to make them count. Let go of the pain that has followed you around for it seems like forever. Close that chapter of your life because the play ended many years ago, and the curtain has come down. You are now the director able to move in any direction you feel is right for you. You have the ability within to map out the rest of your life as you wish it to be. Take heart in the fact that the fat lady has already sung you have just failed to hear her……
Posted By teresa on January 10, 2013
I am deeply honoured to have been asked to speak as a guest speaker for The Mental Fight Club in London. As I continue to reach out to those in need. This organization are making great strides in their endeavour to make a difference.
Posted By teresa on December 26, 2012
This book is a memoir, unfortunately what this woman had to endure is not a work of fiction. How do you review someones real life? The author of this book is brave, having to relive these horrific memories to tell us her story. The stories told in this book are unbelievable, to think that someone can be so heartless, so manipulative. ‘Teresa’ had to deal with the devil himself. ‘There’s a fine line’ will take you down a dark road, a road that no one should ever have to travel. The author tells her story in so much detail and emotion that you feel as if you are standing right there with her. While reading the book I couldn’t help but get emotional, I got sad, happy but most of all angry, I was angry because of the situation she was forced in and at her stepfather. A lot of people will take something from this book, even people that haven’t been in a situation like this. It’s hard to think that life can go on after a tragedy or a horrific crime or something else life changing/shattering, but it does and the author is proof of that. It’s a giant step that a person has to make to move forward, everyone has their own methods that suit them best, the authors was this book. The rawness and vulnerability is etched into every word. The events that take place in this book are heavy, no doubt, but I think a person could take a great lesson from this book. I am glad I had the opportunity to read ‘There’s a Fine Line’
Posted By teresa on December 17, 2012
Posted By teresa on November 25, 2012
People would be hurt both physically and mentally. No one was safe if they stood in the way of my stepfather and what he claimed was his. I would be abused and blackmailed unable to stop or control anything going on around me; I felt that the only way out would be to check out on life completely and it seemed a welcoming prospect. Running from memories of all those years living by his rules, buried so deep within me I never really remembered or faced until I was forced to do so.
I would find myself in a situation that I had no control over and in the grip of a complete madman, who was hell bent on destroying my life. Whilst running from the memories of all the years I spent living under his rule. He told me that there was no reason for anyone to get hurt, so I guess that’s the day that I became no one.
I saw myself delving deeper and deeper into my own unconscious thoughts, revealing to me memories which seemed so alien. Happy memories for me are something that I hold in short supply, and I always thought that they were in my childhood. But that was about to be blown out of the water.
But the problem with opening Pandora’s Box was that once opened, I could no longer close the lid carrying it along with me – like an uninvited guest at a party that never knows when it’s time to leave. It left me with an enormous sociological/psychiatric residue. I myself would spend many years within mental health care system.
The onset of a set of circumstances beyond my control would stamp its seal, rendering my marriage unworkable. Engineered by the involvement of the one man I had learnt to hate – my stepfather.
I myself would spend many years within mental health care; I would move from a heterosexual relationship into a lesbian relationship. Firmly believing that anything controlled or even remotely integral to men, was something I never ever wanted part of again.
Through the writing my book, I have found the strength and hope to come back from a very dark place. My greatest wish would be to impart that message to others. We can all achieve that. There is a place deep inside of us that remains untapped, unless you reach your lowest point and allow the soul within you to take hold. Today my outlook on life is so very different; instead of the glass being half empty the glass is half full. It was time to heal the child within me she had suffered enough.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel; my aim is to reassure that.
After an accident in which I injured my back I was ill health retired. This has given me the time and dedication to put pen to paper. My life was no longer full. I found myself with an abundance of alone time, to sit and reflect everything I had tried so hard to bury. Although the writing my book was extremely difficult for me, my hope is that anyone finding themselves in the same abusive situation may take some strength from its content. If this book were to be catalogued where would it fall, a true account a personal autobiography or self-help? The real truth is in all three.
Whilst writing I was forced down a road that I never really wanted to walk again. It’s an insight to the lengths someone will go to achieve their goal. At times I had to walk away to deal with the emotions that it invoked. To say this person was very unhinged would be an understatement. Teetering on the edge of insanity, and crossing over more times than I can count. Where everyone else involved just became fall out. It was as if I were being pursued by the devil himself. Overly more there seemed to be nothing I could do to stop him and the destruction he left in his wake.
The facts within are very hard to believe, but believe it I must because I was there. It’s still incredible to me to think that I came out of it the other side. That said only just. Happily I have now taken back my life. My overriding passion is to help others reclaim their own.
To sum it all up I really want to make a difference for those in need of help with their own demons, I believe my book does this. Furthermore my website depicts that there is a way back; I am not special but it’s true to say that I have found my Holy Grail. If you live your life with a rain cloud over your head, you will never know if it has stopped raining unless you find the strength to put the umbrella down……
Posted By teresa on October 21, 2012
Dr. Carol Francis Radio Talk Show Discusses Sexual Abuse as Related to “Coach” Jerry Sandusky; Interview With Abuse Survivor Teresa Joyce, Author of “There’s A Fine Line”
Victims of sexual, physical or verbal abuse often remain loyal or desperately attached to their abuser. Jerry Sandusky’s trial brings this phenomenon to light. This Stockholm-like Effect deserves compassionate examination. Dr. Carol Francis on her Radio Talk Show discusses the magnetic pull between victim and abuser with Teresa Joyce author of “There’s A Fine Line” which is an autobiographical account of how twisted and entangled such relationships become.
“There’s A Fine Line” Autobiography about Sexual Abuse by Teresa Joyce
Quote startCoach Sandusky’s Trial compels every parent to take heed about the role of influential authorities in their child’s life. Sexual and mental abuse is real. Listen to your child’s unspoken cries.Quote end
London, England (PRWEB) October 19, 2012
Dr. Carol Francis discusses sexual abuse as related to “Coach” Jerry Sandusky sexual abuse against his young trusting students. This radio show is available on demand at Dr. Carol Francis Radio Talk Show.
“Jerry Sandusky misused his relationship as coach or a socially powerful man who could make or break these children’s youthful-athletic “careers,” self-esteem or sense of being “accepted.” The children’s responses at times clearly illustrated the human vulnerability to remaining attached and even loyal to one’s abuser,” explains Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Carol Francis.
Dr. Carol Francis helps listeners appreciate the depth of entanglement that victims feel with a power-figure who becomes emotionally and sexually abusive in this radio interview with author Teresa Joyce, abuse survivor.
Teresa Joyce’s book “There’s A Fine Line” published by Chipmunka Publishing helps all readers feel the disturbing entanglements within these twisted relationships. The abuser seems essential to the victim’s perceived survival or worth. Listen to this powerful radio interview with Teresa Joyce at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dr-carol-francis/2012/04/16/sexual-abu… or on my YouTube.com/drcarolfrancis at http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4ECD9E3D9DF369E4.
“We teach children to respect authorities in their lives and too often instruct them to cooperate and “do as they say.’ These parenting instructions do not have innocent impact on children when those young ones are left in the hands of a sexual abuser or even verbally or physically abusive adults. Parents need to take heed to teach children to act with respect but only give genuine respect and genuine cooperative behavior when the adult proves to be worthy of respect and when that adult instructs the child to do worthwhile activities,” suggests Dr. Carol Francis. “Blind obedience is a practice which should have been discarded decades ago even before Hitler’s horrific era. Young children need to be taught the power of saying no, leaving a bad situation with an adult and knowing that even adults can have bad intentions. These are definitely harder parenting instructions to explain or teach to a young innocent child.”
Dr. Carol Francis has been a Clinical Psychologist and Marriage Child and Family Therapist for 32 years and has published extensively. Other radio shows, books, articles, blogs and discussions can be attained at drcarolfrancis.com
Posted By teresa on October 17, 2012
When we think about this emotion more times than enough it’s the way we look at others. Empowerment is the person we see standing in front of us totally in control whilst showing us the way. This person surly has all of the answers; they speak with wisdom and fortitude. Where do they find the strength the firmness of mind, enabling them to encounter danger with such courage? It’s there supporting them with every move they make, we have the odd feeling that an aura of power seems to emanate from them. There’s an undeniable force likened to something we have never encountered previously. So how can they speak with such authority? To my mind those that are at their best at doing so, have at some point been in a place that you feel you are right now. This is a scenario I have experienced on more than one occasion. The truth is that we all learn more from someone that has experienced the same emotion as we find ourselves within. Over the years I have seen more than one mental health professional all hoping to be the one that would end my struggle, which was a process that took many years. I was lucky enough in time to find that one person that changed the way I felt about myself. Sadly it’s a kind of lottery as to who may be your salvation. I sit here today and know that I could have found an easier route through empowerment. This may have started with attending seminars, listening to radio shows geared towards that subject. But the most powerful tool of all would have been hearing the words of a survivor.
So how do we ever stand a chance of becoming it seems to us the font of all knowledge? How can we command the strength of character that we are witnessing? The one true answer has to be self empowerment. You may be sitting there right now thinking that I am stating the obvious and you would be right, but knowing and believing are two very different things.
For so many because of the guilt we carry within self empowerment we feel is impossible to achieve. It’s the one thing that we can’t shake off it’s such a powerful emotion. It’s impregnating within us over the years of our struggle. You may be asking what or why do we feel so guilty? The resounding reply to that question is undoubtedly the brainwashing we were subjected to over the years. In my own experience it was unmistakable and unquestionable. For so many years I stayed within an abusive situation never able to see my way out. The longer the abuse continued the greater the guilt increased, until it was compounded so deeply within me it seemed I was unable to come up for air. Our abusers have played their game so well, the master tactician far more powerful then ourselves. Everyday seeming like ground hog day nothing alters our pain only increases. The word empowerment is so very far away. Self empowerment we believe is totally unobtainable.
So where do we start? We learn to place the guilt where it firmly belongs. We need to understand fully that we were the victims. If this abuse was during childhood how can the fault sit with you? More often than not our abuser is a family member or someone you may have looked up to trusted. Your protector whom you chose to believe would never put you in a situation of danger. Sometimes our beliefs are not under our control. Self empowerment is obtainable to every one of us when we take back control of our lives, when we understand that the sin was not our own but against us. When doing so we exorcise the ghost that seemed as if it would never leave.
Empowerment is the process of making our own choices, of having some impact on the desired outcome. We can only look within because in truth no one else is going to do it for us or can achieve the desired outcome. Align your life with the positives that are only just beyond your reach. You have to believe that’s possible. It’s a case of digging deep within to tap into the strength that carried you along this far which was no easy task.
You and you alone know the best way forward for you; backward glances are not an option. We can never forget but we can forgive which is a completely different concept. Who are we forgiving? That child within us that has suffered enough…….