Teresa Joyce

Author Of "There's A Fine Line"

Tolerance

Posted By on May 8, 2015

ToleranceLet us first look at the word tolerance which wears many hats – There is an outdoor sculpture in Israel near the Goldman Promenade – The Tolerance Monument. It forms a visual broken column which stands divided but still very much linked – So are they tolerating each other? It can be the study of accumulated and variation within mechanical parts and assemblies. There is the tolerance of drugs or alcohol, simply because the more we use or drink the more our bodies deal with the substances we consume or afflict. Pain tolerance is also very much up there, oddly it seems that the longer we live the pain our tolerance increases. Before I rattle on here in danger of sounding very much like a dictionary, let’s move on to something that we neither would nor could think would sit right within the middle or that word – Abuse tolerance.

So how do we make this distinction? I have it mixed up – Turned over – Beaten with a stick – Along with juggling all of the parts within this puzzle. But still I am not wholly aware of why we would do so? So I am going to stick my neck out here, and make a guess to the best of my knowledge and past experiences. If we were to crawl around amongst every word sitting here right above us at this time, then maybe we could find the answer to my ever burning question. Why would anyone much like me tolerate abuse? The entire variables above stand fast in our every growing effort to make our lives have meaning.

Let’s first look at the Monument – Over many years it has stood there trying it would seem to break away from the base that holds it together. Each part seems to want to leave the other behind, but unable to make the final splintering at the base to make that possible. Are we not splintered that way whilst we still hold on to our abuse? No matter how far the pillars move away from each other they are still only bending not breaking.

Mechanical – If we were to think about the working parts of our bodies are we not in essence a machine? All parts needs to hold fast working within our tolerance. We do this every day with our abuse. The problem is that no matter how hard we try these parts will always fail never tolerating this intrusion into our bodies and minds. Until we take over the maintenance because we are the only ones holding on to the tools to alter that part of us.

Pain – Pain tolerance is something I can vouch for. After having an accident in 1998 in which I injured my back it’s been a challenge. As time passed I became drug/pain killers tolerant – Result I had to increase the dosage. On reached the ceiling of that pain killer I could no longer increase the dose safely – where was I to go? In truth it has almost become a part of me.

Drugs or Alcohol – This comparison is very different because we already have the key in hand to stop the continued use. Please don’t think that I am saying – It’s your fault – You are doing this to yourself – Why can’t you just stop. In all honesty I could never say those words to you because I used one of those props for so very long. I never went down the road of drugs, but alcohol was very much where I went to hide from the world. If I am being even more honest it was also where I went to find myself. Yes we may be able to see the drink in our hand or the particular choice of drug sitting in front of us, but that only means that these props are visible. The other three comparisons I have used are just as accessible to us when we learn to look within. Within our minds eye we can repair break away and alter every part of our being, it doesn’t need to be seen with the naked eye.

So why am I here today? It’s to share with you the oddest thing that I may ever encounter within my life – Although it’s taking me a while to get to the point – Sorry.

There is knowledge deep inside of me, which recognises that for so many years I was totally tolerant of my abuse along with its memories. I guess that everyone needs an anchor of sorts somewhere; to feel a connection to this world. It pains me to say that for so many years my anchor was my abuse. It was all I remembered as being the largest portion of my life. As sure as hell it was not the anchor that I would have hoped for it was the one I was stuck with. I was in a position of needed an anchor in life to feel that I was on solid ground, whilst trying with all my might to leave behind the abuse that I had suffered. I tried many times before I succeeded, but the point to make here is that in time I did – You will also.

So there was I – a plan in hand, intent on moving forward; but time after time I was left holding a spanner in hand ready to throw it into the works. Once thrown each time it caused my best thought out plans to crash and burn. The mental effort I had thought through so carefully giving it my up-most consideration. I was left with the remains of a car crash with myself being the only mechanic in town. The truth was that I was the one applying this outcome each and every time it happened. Why? It was natural for me to hold on to an anchor for stability, but I was burning my hands with every touch. I needed an anchor in my life, but the one I had was only destroying me.

An anchor is something solid it gives us the strength when necessary to hold on. Without it we would find ourselves flailing around unable to make a connection to anyone or anything. The end result deep down inside finds us thrashing around vigorously, aimlessly crashing around like a puppet with broken strings in an endeavour to find solid ground. Everyone needs to feel a connection to the world and our place within it. The one thing that dominates our lives is a structure implanted as we have grown. Something put in place that had or has an overbearing affect; if you like we can even call it our shadow. It’s always there but unless we are standing in a certain light it just not visible to us. Given a situation where we are standing where our shadow should be visible and it’s missing, it’s a very unnerving situation as we really cannot fathom its departure. Never in a million years should we tolerate our abuse. But we are so very unsure of our place within the world without it. Quite simply it’s all we know. It has been our anchor which sounds so completely off the wall and it’s been a heavy weight to carry.

Just like the picture depicts at the top of this piece we are somehow shacked to its longevity. So I should not need to tell you that for those of us that have or are still suffering abuse it’s by far one of the hardest things to overcome. We are left with nothing more than cause and effect. We need solid ground – The only solid ground seemingly available to us is our abuse. I know all this astounds but that’s where we will stay until we realise that there is another way. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just obliterate our past – Remove it completely leaving no trace – Wipe it out – Destroy every memory? I admit it sounds pretty good doesn’t it? But choosing that path is never a sure bet there could come a time where it will be back with you biting at your ankles. Suddenly tolerance seems the only action that can be taken.

But there is another action that will bear far more fruit; we should never feel that all we ever had through life was our abuse. It took me many years to be able to pull back the curtains just to take a little peek beyond my abuse; that’s where I found to my delight that there were good memories to be found they were simply lost within the circus. From that day forward I began looking for solid ground that I could build on. It’s a little scary out there because for a moment within that time, you find yourself without the anchor that everyone needs to feel safe. The reality check is that you were never safe because the ground beneath you has always been rocky; it seems at times we feel that what we know is safer than the unknown, no matter how fearful the right there and then may seem.

There is a metaphor that comes to mind here quite readily – Keep both feet on the ground – Have they ever tried that when the ground beneath you is so unstably…………

Speak The Truth

Posted By on February 20, 2015

Speak the truthTruth – it’s a word we hear spoken often; it’s a word that gives weight to the facts being relayed to us. It’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We frequently hear these words spoken – sometimes within the program right there in front of us on the television. I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth – it’s a mantra recited dozens of times a week within TV shows or movies. These words are so familiar that their significance can be overlooked. Taking an oath in a courtroom makes everything said afterwards either the truth or perjury. The witness must vow to tell the truth to someone authorised to administer the oath – but do they always honour that vow? The truth is a fact or a reality that can’t be altered because of its very being. But it’s a sad fact that the real meaning of the word ‘truth’ is often lost; the world is bandied around without any relation to the above. Ask anyone today what the truth is and you are sure to start an interesting conversation. Your request may even be met by scorn or derision. Sadly, at times it seems that the concept of the word truth has fallen on hard times. The truth should be genuine actual or factual – but is it always? It should be indisputable and said with sincerity. At times it’s a matter of how we judge someone’s character when we think of them as being truthful – but are they always?

We could carry on here debating the truth and our understanding of its significance. But my aim and reason for being here with you now is to debate with you as to whether the words spoken are an untruth.

It’s at those times that sadness folds in around us like a cancer eating into our very being. When a falsehood or a lie is falling off the lips of our adversary, it takes us to a place where we feel we have lost our very being; the truth that should be there protecting us falls away, leaving nothing but emptiness. We then find ourselves being attacked by an untruth spoken so easily. This is happening in the here and now all over the world to so many people, who are unable to protect themselves because it’s just too difficult to do so. Why? Put simply – it’s because they have been completely sucked up into a place where the truth and the untruth seem to melt together. It’s a place where just getting through the day is a struggle. Thinking of tomorrow seems pointless because within their head space at that time; they just don’t care about tomorrow. We feel we have no hope in hell of the truth being anywhere near. The lines are blurred you question yourself daily, somehow being dragged into a precipice within our own heads where we even start debated with ourselves. You find yourself overhanging a cliff face with nothing below but a steep mass of rock just waiting for you to let go. Right there and then in that segment of time you even stop caring about the truth because quite frankly it doesn’t seem to matter.

You know from experience that you won’t be believed so why would you fight? The end result is that we flatly refuse to do so somehow some way that mind-set seems to be our only salvation. Giving in seems to be the only thing you are able to do whilst in that state of mind – resulting in a major fusion somewhere between our reality and the reality of life. We are lost so very deeply within those two little words – truth or untruth. We start to rely upon the drugs we are supplied: the more we take, the less it hurts; and the more we take, the more we need. We want to be in a place of existing where we are not living at all. I guess we are striving to become ghosts of sorts, so that we are never asked to defend what had happened to us. It is just so hard to make people believe. If we take people’s advice then it’s a run for justice that is so flawed it only seems to mirror our past. The upshot of this stance is – if your case should ever be heard in court, you would be grilled with regard to your honesty. We should expect an onset of aggressive questions from the Defence only doing the duty for which they are being paid. This is never a personal matter, but it’s the truth to say that those who have lived through the suffering of abuse will always feel it personally. Rightly or wrongly, we once more face the agonising torture of not being believed.

So how do we ever walk willingly into a place that only seems to offer us more pain then we have already lived through? It doesn’t sound good – right? If you ever find yourself in a place of strength where you are able to do so, then you can march into their courtroom with your head held high. Justice, we hope, will always find its way to the truth – but that’s not always the case in reality. I am sure that there are people walking freely out there who should never been allowed to do so. Equally there are some who find themselves incarcerated in a place that they were never meant to be. So do we rely on the truth floating to the top – like the oil emerging on the top of the water? That is something we can never predict; if only that were to be the case. So is the search for the truth a lottery? Nothing will ever be that cut and dried. Sometimes in the search for the truth there is just not enough evidence to be found, no matter how hard anyone looks. These are the times that we need to stand tall and except that we can be believed without that walk through the courtroom door. The strength you have already found to even embark on this journey in the first place is immeasurable. Convicted or not convicted you have shown your adversary that you have grown through the years, arriving at a place where even for a short time they were judged, no matter what the outcome was.

There will always be those that never reach the level of strength that’s needed to walk down this road. If that’s where you find yourself, then the words below are my sentiments to you. Because there is a way back within our own minds that does not need the involvement of others.

So where do we look?

A good place to start would be to really understand that there is only one truth. All the investigation and consultation in the world can never alter that. The ultimate realisation for which you must strive is to recognise that you are the only one that can set yourself free. If we regain our belief in ourselves then the only truth that matters is our own. We don’t need anyone to tell us the difference between the truth and a lie or to stand alongside of us when we reach that point in time. It’s pretty pointless unless you believe in yourself no longer needing to change the mind of others or sway any decision either way. When you take back your life knowing that your own understanding of the truth is all you need, the walls that crowd in around you will crumble. We can’t carry on through life trying to make others believe in what we know to be the truth. Abuse is a place that you have survived in so I am guessing that you already have everything you need to succeed. I myself stopped looking for that knight in shining armour a long time ago because we really don’t need him. I am sure that if we were to wait long enough he may appear riding into our lives upon his white steed. But sadly and much more likely the end result I’m sure would find us mucking out the stables……..

Am I A Victim?

Posted By on December 12, 2014

VictimA victim – The Interpretation of being a victim should be quite simple should it not? We have all heard this analogy being applied to us from many sources. If we look at the word analogy in its true form we find no argument with it explanation. An analogy is a form of logical argument and when we are thinking logically we are fully aware that we are indeed victims. The word ‘victim’ relates to a person harmed injured or even killed in an accident. It can be a person who feels helpless and passive within a misfortune or ill-treatment. There are victims of domestic violence that live within the fear not knowing what the day will bring, whilst treading on egg shells in the hope that today will be the day the violence will stop. After all that’s a promise given to them by their abuser on so many occasions. Continuing, we can find so many reasons that someone becomes a victim. However if we pull this word apart when becoming a victim, the one thing which stands out is that it’s never of our own choosing.

It’s the nature of my website to try to help unravel the lives of those that have been victims. Being that victim for me was in the form of sexual abuse; I have lived through the process of learning that without doubt and with great conviction that I was a victim. I would truly hope that I have an understanding of what it means to be a victim to those that walk along side of me. It’s something I struggled with for many years always hearing that little voice of doubt.

So how do we reach the point in time where we know without question that the above statement is true? This is where we start to unravel our lives. This is where it all gets a little confusing simply because we still carry around the guilt that you still feel is yours. It’s fair to say that our heads are just a little mixed up whilst struggling with the truth that is staring us full in the face. I will try to explain here how it was for me whilst I struggled still believing that I had to pay for my sins, whilst in truth I was paying for my virtue. This was where I started to believe that which was morally wrong in the hands of someone who had no virtue.

When told we are a victim, we really struggle to accept that we had in play no ball of our own. How can you be a victim you let it go on for so long right? You did nothing to stop the atrocity that was taking place. As a child the thought process above only really takes place in adulthood, but the reality is still always dealt with by your child within when we reach that moment in time. If it were to involve a family member, were you not already betraying those you professed to love? In fact forget that last statement because you were already doing so remaining silent, that question never needs to be asked right? In most cases of abuse it is someone close to us – someone we know well; our abuser’s significant other is then also known to us also. It could be a wife – a grandmother – a sister – a mother – or even a close family friend. But you still let it continue blindly on. But you must remember and take it in to your heart, that you were only armed with the mind of a child. We were out on our own gripped by the undercurrent below us. We can only use the skills we have acquired at that moment it time. Life and all that brings with it is still a mystery for that lost child in the there and then. With that in mind you also feel that you would be the cause of the complete obliteration of the family unit. But that abomination should never be placed on the shoulders of a child. You battle with your thoughts within trying to piece together your broken life. You’re told that it’s a secret and what would happen if you were to reveal that secret.

For me it was my mother whom I had to protect at all cost because quite simply I loved her beyond my own life. Sadly, she is not with us now but she remains in my heart always. Our abusers have perfected an arsenal knowing just which weapon to use to its full affect.

In adulthood trying to make sense of the things that happened to us and the choices we were made to take as a child evokes so many conflicting emotions. We ask ourselves these questions with no hope of an answer anywhere on the playing field. How can we truthfully know what we were feeling as that child? We can only question ourselves in the here and now, which will always bring forward a completely different response. Betrayal was a big one for me to come through; I questioned myself for so long but the answer evaded me for many years. In truth we are all at war with ourselves many times as we go through life I guess that’s the nature of being human. But that war was never going to be a fair fight you never had the artillery in your arsenal at that time for it to be so. What I am trying to say here is that questioning yourself in the here and now is a fool’s errand. It takes great strength to have held on through the blackest point in our history no doubt. But it takes far more strength to let go of the pain by finding yourself at peace within. You see that’s the thing about life it has a nasty habit of going on with or without us, so we need to find a way to get back in the race. We will nearly always experience a relapse whilst running in the race of life. But falling down is not failing it’s the not staying down that measures the strength that has grown inside of you as you have grown. You don’t believe it’s there for so many years, even when armed with the knowledge that you made it through a turbulent current. Not having any choice but to try to swim upstream without ever learning the art of swimming. But there comes a time where you just know it’s somewhat like a peace that settles over you, it’s then you realise you have learnt to swim without any instruction whatsoever. That’s what will make all the difference in the fight to reclaim your life. Maybe you lost that fight so many years ago but it’s within your power right here and now to make sure that ultimately you win the war.

Looking back today I know now without doubt that yes I was a victim, your eyes should be seeing and arriving at the same conclusion. When we feel like a victim we tend not to take action so a change in our mindset has to take place, we need to create a flushing of that mental block that seems to be part of your very core. Until we arrive at a point where we can take our minds to a place within where you are standing toe to toe with our abuser. Sadly we will always be linked by an invisible tread to our abuser that’s a knot that can never been undone. But it’s how we deal with that fact that gives us a balance of power. Whilst that link exists in its current form we continue replaying our past, over and over again. Until we stand still and refuse to be that victim any longer we will always be in inner turmoil and suffering. This action we take for ourselves alone – in that now acquired position of strength.

It’s that point in time where you will look at the glass as being half full and not half empty. Let’s use that metaphor here to continue. It’s time to open that bottle of wine that you have held on to for so long. It’s that special bottle that you thought would never leave that wine cellar. It’s a Chardonnay of the best calibre as we once more drink from the bottle of life.

So let’s return to the heading of this piece – Am I a victim?

The answer to that question is yes; but you are so very far removed from any accountability. You were a victim of the lack of truth and the disregard of any honesty. You were a victim of circumstance; you were a victim of your innocence that was taken away from you in the cruellest of manners. You were the victim of the nightmares that have troubled your sleep for so long. You were a victim of the trust that was ripped away from you; you may even find it hard to trust anyone totally to this very day. You were a victim of your abuser who felt they could strip away all of those things from your life without care at that time.

So let’s look at the conclusion you are striving to arrive at right now in this moment of time. This conclusion is now in your reach or you would not be here with me. Here together let’s spread everything out on the floor before us. You will then see that the only conclusion anyone can arrive at is yes you were a victim. But was that of you’re doing? Not a hope in hell.

Why Me And Not My Siblings

Posted By on October 30, 2014

SiblingsRight off the bat that must sound like such a selfish thing to say, why would I wish what had happened to me on my siblings? But it’s an age-old question that haunting me for many years. Did I do something wrong? Was it because I misbehaved? Surly not I only acted that way to get noticed. If I were noticed then people couldn’t help but see what was happening to me. Anyway, why should it only happen to me? There’s that selfish thought again. Truthfully I was not even sure that they weren’t living this hell, maybe we were all going through the same terrifying torment. Were we all experiencing this excruciating mental anguish? I couldn’t ask them because if they weren’t then they would know about me, I would unleash a chain of events that I couldn’t stop and then my abuser would know and that terrified me. There would be nowhere to hide from his wrath, he was firmly in control I had no control whatsoever; I would be thrown to the wolves. I remember trying to stay awake each night but my eyes got just too heavy to stop from closing them. Dreams were something I tried to avoid. The dreams could be terrifying. But maybe within them I would finally answer my questions. But nothing lay in wait there but the nightmares, where I would relive everything that had taken place.

Vengeance . . . there’s a word I thought of often but it evaded me for many years, by which time I no longer felt the need to harm anyone concerned. That was a hard one to achieve. I used to think it would be mine in the next life. But in truth the reality that became mine was that the best vengeance of all is to do nothing.

I can almost hear the gasps of air being taken in right now as I sit here typing, see in front of me the shocked faces that feel they will never understand my sentiment. These words almost always receive that reaction. If someone is still within the claws of abuse I may as well be speaking Martian. But we should remember here that justice is a different matter. It’s only after you have passed through the journey you are now on that these words become clear. Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles. We have to believe that nothing in this world is as strong as gentleness and nothing in this world is as gentle as strength. I looked for a reason for so many years as to why me without any success. But we can never understand our abusers reason because reason is not always automatic; those that deny it cannot be conquered by it. To our abusers mind that in turn means a reason does not even have to be offered. So where do we run with that? There is only one place left to run – which is straight through it. On emerging on the other side we no longer feel that the question has to be answered. What lies behind us or before us are tiny matters to what lies within us. On this journey into the abyss we find all we need to conquer that question. I also looked for some kind of communication to be given to me that would explain the journey I was made to travel. It’s true to say sometimes the strangest thing about communication is to believe that it has even taken place. But if we listen hard enough deep within we have communicated with the only one that matters – our child within. It’s been a lonely road out there for them for so many years, but once this communication has been established we just know. Emotional scars remind us of where we have been; they do not have to dictate where we are going.

So here I am back at that age-old question – why me? Do you still really feel the need to ask? Knowing why will never change our past; it only makes us hold on to a question that we have to leave behind us.

Let’s not forget vengeance – where there is anger there is always pain underneath, just by letting go we allow the pain to start to heal. I now firmly believe that before we embark on a journey of rage and vengeance we truly need to dig two graves………….

Interview On Truth Frequency Radio

Posted By on October 20, 2014

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Please visit this site to listen to my latest interview/podcast interview with Kevin Bull http://truthfrequencyradio.com/?s=teresa+joyce&x=0&y=0

It’s Dark

Posted By on October 10, 2014

dark roseIts dark – that’s an indisputable fact as we look around us. It’s the absence of light as we watch the day trickle away and leave us. As we all know the sun rises in the east and goes down in the west. To be accurate, the sun doesn’t really go anywhere – it pretty much stays where it is relative to the earth. But the earth rotates from West to East so the sun appears first in the East and last in the West…. OK: too much information but you get my meaning.

But that is not the only reference in which this statement can be interpreted. It can be that something is difficult to understand; it can be characterized by gloom about to descend on us. It’s a lack of enlightenment known to us as being in the dark about an act or a fact. This in turn can leave us in a state of ignorance or totally uninformed. It’s a shot in the dark at an attempt to guess at something of which you have no information or knowledge about. It can be secrecy concealment or even obscure. There is the occult where we find things mystical – dark practises or a phenomenon. I’m sure if we were to play around with this word we would find many more ways to interpret the word ‘dark’.

The dark is something that comes around full circle as each day passes returning to the light in the fullness of time – night and day being the only distinction.

But my aim here is to try and explain how the darkness feels to those that have been or are still being abused right now as I type. All of the above of course still holds true, but there is a darkness within us that never seems able to find the light – a darkness that is not so easy to explain or relate to as I have done above. For us the light never seems to touch us as we go through life with a veil covering our head. The dark is somewhere that we often choose to go, when a dark corner seems the only safe place to be. But there’s a conflict, because we are also acutely aware that the dark for us was or is a place of immense pain. The dark is where the monster lives raising his head like a viper from a pit when we were most vulnerable. So we make a choice within the jumble of mixed-up feelings and emotions. Not knowing if the dark is there for us to hide in, or a place that brings on the assault of abuse we have lived thorough or are still enduring. Your anguish can become so great that you even find yourself hiding from the truth within the dark just as we tried to hide from our abusers. Sadly as time passes we start to believe that the darkness is our place, where else can we hide from shame guilt or the embarrassment we feel if not in the dark? So is the dark our salvation? Or somewhere we have grown up knowing we have no escape from?

For us it’s never related to the time of day as we strive to find the light that always seems to evade us; we can be standing in a rainbow of colours whilst we feel the sun’s rays beating down on our bodies. The light we crave for cannot be found by the rotation of the earth; quite simply it’s only ever going to be found by the rotation of our mind set, as we struggle to come out of the shadow of abuse. That statement is so easily made, but where do we look to find the way out? You can’t just open a door and walk through; you can’t even find the door in order to do so. Often people around us open that door wide but it seems even with their help we can’t find the strength needed.

Our minds are very complicated; it seems sometimes demanding that we alone are the right persons for that particular job.

So let’s think a little about all the above – where do we start? We have believed for so long that we are swallowed up within that darkness. But the problem with that mind set is that we will always lose for as long as we keep telling ourselves we have lost. Wouldn’t it be nice to think that in time we will succeed and that the winning post is out there somewhere? If we can’t do this on our own then we need to reach out to those that may become our balance. Once we reach out with honesty within our minds, then we are at last standing at the starting post. With a renewed clarity that we are now ready to walk that road with a new determination.

We start by looking for the support that is offered by others as they are the template that allows growth; they serve as a starting point as we try to begin the arduous journey of reformatting our lives. That support allows us to remould or rearrange our thoughts in a manner that until now we have thought to be impossible. That support allows us to change the pattern of our behaviour, knowing that that template will hold fast below us if we slip. They are the light shining just beneath us, always bright as we move towards finding our own. Once we learn to trust that light we find the strength we need to make upward strides. Make no mistake: we are the only ones that can fully make the real difference on that journey. Whilst fighting for your right to stand in the sun, we will never forget that dark place how could we, but now we have the knowledge that it’s our finger that is now firmly placed on the switch.

There is another distinction between the light and the dark for us; this can’t be given to us even by the most accommodating of people. This gift is the one you give to yourself knowing that only you and you alone can achieve its turn around. Ultimately we are the only ones that can slam shut that door of abuse behind us completely; it’s the one thing that can’t be done for us on this we stand alone. For this we need to believe that we deserve to come out of the shade and face the sun. Even if done so gingerly at first by simply only peeking through the shutters. Strangely this can be conquered no matter the time of day.

It’s not the time of the day or night that we are scared of its feeling that we can stand alone long enough within it to make a difference. Whilst resisting the over whelming urge to run. The strangest thing of all is that we run back to the place that should never make us feel safe – the dark – the quarry it seems always looks for the darkest hole to run into when they feel pursued.

So let’s be honest here together quite simply by remembering that it’s never just dark or light – it’s never just black or white. There are the dusks the sunsets and the sunrise for us to look upon. There are so many shades of grey out there for us to choose from. We don’t have to have both feet planted completely on one side of that line staying within the darkness to feel safe. By which I mean that as a metaphor rather than a vision. We can venture out of our comfort zone by stepping over that line just long enough to take a peek at the sun. As time passes merely by default, we stay a little longer each time we succeed in doing so.

We start to understand that whilst there it feels good to feel the sun’s rays on your face; It’s a place that if we return to it often enough, we find that we no longer crave for the dark and its secrets. I know the question on your lips right now would be – why would you miss the dark at all? I guess the answer to that is that when you have lived in the dark for so long, even the worst scenarios are missed when they have been there long enough. It’s almost like leaning to walk in the sun without the covers over your head lifting that veil just a little at a time. We have to learn a completely new way of living without the structures that have always been there good or bad. But believe me: in time this is achievable as you will see when the light beings to filter through. Although the dark is remembered, there comes a time that it’s no longer missed. That’s when we neither feel the urge to flee for that dark place to hide in or to run for our lives from the dark and its demons.

At the end of this process you will have acquired the complete knowledge within you that the dark is just another rotation of the earth . . .

Our Alter Ego

Posted By on August 13, 2014

best alter egoEveryone has a little voice inside their head that sometimes defines them, at times we all find ourselves feeling trapped within a set of circumstance. For us all, without exception, we have duties of sorts to complete during our waking hours. These are as varied as we are because no two people are the same so we will attack those duties differently. It’s what makes us the right person for that job; it’s a place where we and we alone fit. Our choices in life can be restricted by our alter ego more times then we know, it sits silently in the background but we must always remember that it’s there. Within our alter ego we find escape, freedom, a carefree look at life when we need to look away from where we are. It’s sometimes referred to as a ghost whose only job is to whisper alternatives in our ear. The happy go lucky you that is having a ball of a time to all that surrounds us. It’s a character that comes from within our imagination. We welcome it with opens arms as we dance within the game of life. It’s a cut of valve that knows just when to realise that pressure – somehow knowing when the pipe is about to blow. Our own armature superhero created to swoop in and save the day. We use it often, mindlessly reacting to a quick change of situations. It’s who we talk to whilst weighing up our options, continually darting around within our mind; this done silently without thought why because it’s purely a reaction. It’s the fun side of us, a release from the pressures of life that everyone experiences.

Our alter ego could and would not be there without our input. Quite simply put it’s where we place the things that give us joy. It makes us feel better when it’s raining outside. We strive to create a happy space by placing the positive things we gather throughout our journey. It’s the chancier within that sometimes gives us the push we need to complete something that may scare us just a little. Our opposite side of the coin the friend we can always count upon to see our side of things.

But what if it’s not?

What if that alter ego was a place of darkness – a place which you try to avoid at any cost, where your imagination had created the complete opposite?

As I have said above, we create a place which makes us feel better by placement. Things that stick in our minds because of the great joy they bring. They have become outstanding events in our mind because of the magnitude of their very being. What if the outstanding events within your mind were so very far from utopia? Abuse leaves its mark like a cavern of explosions reducing your world to a battlefield. If this abuse was from an early age then having something to place within your alter ego that makes you feel joy of any kind is almost impossible. As we grow, we learn the skills we need in life to become a whole rounded person learning from our peers. We learn to walk before we can run from those in direct contact with us – a mirror image of who we may become. The building blocks are put in place by them to make that structure solid.

But what if they aren’t?

We are left within the remains of an explosion creating a landfall where we crawl around blindly in its remains. Aimlessly digging around, hoping that the bits we need have not been blown so far apart that their reassembly is just a pipe dream – where to even think we can find a happy space to place within our self-made alter ego is a dream too far. The greatest truth is that we can’t step away from the confinements within our lives when they become too difficult. You can’t unlearn things; we can only try to rearrange them in the hope that there are still some pieces that may fit.

So – all the above said, what are our options?

Options when broken down are just a matter of putting one foot in front of another to move forward without doubt, options are the judgement calls that we make now. Quite frankly our alter ego may scare the hell out of us, but it will always be a part of us – no matter what. We can’t remove it by just taking a rubber to a chalk board, but we can learn that living with it is something we can do. No one said that the alter egos we have right here and now are the ones we are stuck with; they are just our present. In truth, they are not even that important – because they are our past what we are looking at now is our future. Somewhere deep inside there is the alter ego that is waiting for the last dance. It’s the wallflower that always wanted to be asked to dance whilst being passed by. It’s the laughter and the joy that is just waiting to be untapped. It’s the smile on your face as you greet each morning on longer afraid of a backward thought. It’s the joy you find in those you choose to surround yourself with on this continuing chapter of life. It’s the happy dog wagging its tail just from the joy of greeting, so happy to see you no matter how the day has pasted.

The whole truth is that we can’t bend mend or alter who we are, we can only look for the good and not expect the bad around every corner. Within you is all the strength you need to choose the right options for you. Tomorrow could be a good day with many more to come.

Is It Your Life Or Theirs?

Posted By on April 18, 2014

LifeA question you may have asked yourself many times over. Do you take control of your own life or blame others for how you live and behave? Do you walk the road of blame for the way you have turned out? Should you shout on high say with Au-gusto that you were abused so you abuse? Transfer your guilt if or even when it arises for the actions you have taken – It’s easy right? Quite simply you just pass it back through the years, believing vehemently that the pain you are inflicting is neither by choice nor of your making. Do you convince yourself of that? Live your life with no compassion after all none was ever shown to you. There’s that bubble you climb inside where you feel that all is justified, a safe haven, one in which you feel that you will not be condemned. What could you do about it anyway; the apple never falls very far from the tree does it? That one I can vouch for because it was burned so deeply within me by my abuser since childhood. Just like my father before me I walk the road of the fallen. You’ve been conditioned that way how do you fight genetic inheritance? Told from such an early age it’s OK that no one needs know. It was just their way of showing you that they loved you. It was a secret – a bond that only you and your abuser shared. It was special others would not understand the love you both shared, Jealousy would spoil everything – so what’s the harm? You are only trying to repeat that bond a generation further.

OK: let’s rewind – can we even take any of the above justifications seriously? But the above scenarios are being put out there so often by those that abuse. Let’s be quite clear here there is nor could there be any justification for abuse whatsoever. When it comes to people making excuses for their abusive actions there are none. The words above quite frankly, even now, whilst typing, I can still conjure up a ball of fire ready to explode within me – so deep at times that it still reminds me of the rage I felt whilst trying to understand my own abuser. At that time there were days when the rage I felt was likened to a nuclear explosion. The impact of sexual abuse varies from child to child for many the damage is enormous, with the impact still being felt into adulthood affecting all aspects of their life. But this does not give anyone an open door to walk through to serve their own abusive damage. In a nut shell to all those abusers out there – being abused does not give you any god-given right to abuse. You may be wondering why I made that statement during this piece, so I’ll share with you. Those that are or have been abused are not the only ones that come here to read. I often hear the words of an abuser. I live daily with the hope that, for them just being here, it signals their first step toward change.

Working through the memories of childhood abuse is painstaking work, it will never happen overnight. But if we are ever going to be tested in our lives then this is one of the biggest tests of all. We find a way of working through, which in no shape or form puts others on that road to hell. It takes strength to cast aside the legacy we feel we were left with after abuse. No doubt this is the harder road to walk. But this is your life isn’t it? You alone make the decisions that determine your future. We can’t live in the past but equally we can’t bury it either; it has to be faced.

Some would say that we have even lost our souls during those turbulent years; loss is not a word that comes to my mouth easily. To my mind it was never lost: it was stolen; recovering that part of you is paramount. Once we lose our soul we also lose our identity; we have just become just another static within the realms of abuse. We feel that we are no more than a faceless number; in truth we don’t even want to remember who we are. Along with this, we find ourselves with selective memories. We continue pouring on an avalanche of rock to hold down the part of us we just can’t face. We feel dead within still breathing whilst hopelessly hoping there is no tomorrow. But tomorrow will arrive and face it we must.

Within you is the strength you need to do so it’s just waiting there to be tapped into. Once you take that leap of faith you will find that deep down inside there is small flame still burning; we just need to move the rock.

The above excuses at the start of this piece are spoken so often by those that abuse, that I’m guessing they seem to alleviate their consciences. Clearly the blame rests elsewhere. But for everyone that chooses that easy road of denial there are two more that choose to take that hard road. They make the choice to be different ever ready to stand tall and alone if needed. They are the ones that I try to reach out to within my every waking hour.

There is a way through abuse to recovery that does not involve taking others on that downward-spiralling staircase of abuse. For each of us its different there is no yard stick to measure our progress. We learn to process the memoires that we remember as and when we can, because those traumatizing memories are not always remembered all at once on a conscious level. In truth it’s your mind that is protecting you from confronting all those painful memories all at once. You will remember more when you are ready and able. With remembrance and time you find that you are working towards and able to see that positive outcome that can be yours. This is the right way – the one where you say to all that you alone stopped abuse in its tracks.

The Ulimate Test

Posted By on January 26, 2014

gaged - CopySo what would be our ultimate test be? The one that you know without doubt you now hold all the cards. The aces are now in your grasp, not in that of your abuser. It was a very surreal moment the very first day I knew that from here on in I controlled my destiny. At first it was a little difficult to deal with, because for so many years we are told how to think feel and react. What was allowed to be made public knowledge and those things we were told must always remain secret. We have learnt the hard of way how to hide our scars and emotions. It’s a long way to claw your way back to a place of complete recovery. For so long like the image attached to this piece you have felt gagged and restrained. These restrictions never needed to be seen; we always knew they were just there within our world of pain. When we embark on the road forward to take we control it’s a little like a baby trying to take their first step, we know that we need to learn to walk or we will never move forward, but just like that infant we are going to fall many times. These falls never heal quickly even when the immediate cuts and bruises disappear, because they have a profound effect on us. With each fall we take it just seems to compound that walking alone is something we can’t do. For so long we were controlled, confused, made to think that without our abuser the world could come to an end. I can almost hear those of you out there saying that was never the case; but in truth it’s that exactly. I my own case, I was made to feel that the only one that would be there for me was my abuser. He was the only one that cared; making it without him was a fool’s errand. Abuse is a strange way of caring for anyone right? But when told often enough that if they were to take it away you would never make it on your own you start to think would you? Thoughts are compounded so deeply within you that you start to believe them. In a sick kind of way it seems that they are your only salvation. Let’s remember here that for me this abuse was there for as long as I can remember. This resonates with so many people I meet within my work. We are dealing with the minds of children who believe what’s told to them. Sadly the end result is that this person becomes the one constant in our lives. Sitting here now talking to you, I am well aware that for me that was the case; it took me many years to change that thought process. As for all of us it is a huge mountain to climb. My abuser followed me for many years well into my adulthood far after he was no longer around, but for some reason still unknown to me he continued to mould my mind – but why? I have been giving many answers to that question which once burned so deeply within me; the one repeated more often than not is that somehow through his control for so many years, I stayed very much that scarred little child. Through my many radio interviews I continue to meet those that have travelled much the same path as me; many still trying to heal that child within. It’s a hard upstream struggle. As we continue to grow into the person we are meant to be, time heals those scars so deeply felt. I was asked quite recently if I recollect any good memories within my childhood, sadly without much thought the answer to that question was a resounding no. But with all that said happily I now have new memories, those of my own choosing. These happy memories go a long way to healing the pain of my past.

I’m going to return now to the heading of this piece and the reason I sit here today talking to you. I have crossed over many bridges to be who I am today; I have learnt to walk within my pain and I no longer feel the burning terror that used to tear at my emotions. I have faced my past and strive daily to connect with those still struggling within abuse. I give live interviews knowing that no matter what question is asked of me, I will be able to answer with control and in control. There have been some pretty difficult ones throw at me at times, but hey you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. Each day I start it as I wish now; I make my own plans and live my own life. I feel as if I am in a complete place of strength. So what is left for me to conquer? I had taken back my life; my abuser was no longer in control. I had been able to share my story with you within my book, which in truth helped me so very much upon completion. I am no longer looking over my shoulder afraid of what I may see; I can now visit places alone whilst still feeling safe. That may sound like a strange thing to say, but life for me before my recovery was very much how it was. I know quite clearly that my abuser is no longer even in this country; but back then that didn’t seem to matter. Fear made me feel that he could reach me wherever he might be – that’s their ace in hand – our fear. For many years now it seemed to me that I had dealt with everything I needed to. That every stone had been over turned that in time I had won that fight. But there was just something lurking in the back in my mind that I was never really sure of, something that I could never really pin down. Then it came to me during a very surreal moment quite recently. This I knew was the resounding end to everything that ever happened to me. I sit here now to share it with you. But before I start I wish to make it totally clear that this is not a bench mark for everyone; it’s not a goal you wish to aspire to or anything else that springs to your mind whilst reading. It was my continuation that for many years I never knew existed. If I am completely honest with you it did further my strength; I won’t use the word ‘recovery’ because for me that had already been achieved. I had already aspired to that some years ago. So why am I sharing? Maybe it’s just to share with you that we can face the monster head on and come away still whole.

It’s around eleven in the evening and I’ve been sitting here all evening, relaxing, watching the television. I had an interview earlier that evening that went really well the host was great and the interview had flowed. It had put me in a thoughtful mood which never fails to happen, you can’t share and then walk away as if the interview had never happened. But this evening was somehow a little different – why I can’t say; there was nothing that sprang to mind then or even now. A niggle in the back of my mind my taking on a life of its own, one that I could not relate to or own at that time. Something just seemed fated at that precise moment. It was like I had taken an interval in the proceedings that had never really come to a full stop. I could not shake the feeling that there was an irreversible succession of events from the past just out of reach in my mind’s eye – much as if I had to stop for a commercial break. It would not interrupt the program; it would just enlighten me to what’s out there if I cared to look. It was something which seemed to separate two points in time. My instinct at that time was telling me that whatever it was it had to be handled carefully, I just knew that it had seemed out of reach before. Ok I think I have made my point so let’s end it here before I over kill it – something for me was still left undone.

It seemed to creep up on me from behind, realisation slapped firmly full in my face. I had to complete the circle; I had to talk to him. Suddenly there he was standing in front of me. Of course it does not need to be said this was a scenario was being played within my head. Did someone not once say fear is the thing that makes us fearful? Well I’m here to tell you they were right on the money. There was nothing I could do to stop the thoughts in my head running away with me I had to talk to him, a fact unbeknown to me until that one moment in time, there was just one more hurdle I had to climb over. Could I talk to my stepfather and take back the power? Because in truth all that had passed before I had completed on my own, my recovery had been my doing. Although as you already know I did not do that alone. A single branch will break, but a bundle is strong. I found that strength and camaraderie within you and others like you. Right then right there I knew that the only way for me to feel complete was to face him head on. There was no way this could be achieved face to face, the expanse of miles were too far apart he was no longer in the country. But to talk to him hear his voice would that be enough? I had his telephone number in a cupboard which had been given to me many years ago, it may not even be a number still in use but my gut told me otherwise. The feeling was not going away; it was now after 1 in the morning, later in the place he now called home. I stood up and walked toward the cupboard, each step sending shudders up my spin why was it having this affect? All I can say is that the thought of his voice left me in a place akin to hell. I had spent so many years fearing that sound. My hands where sweating; I had to wipe them against me to absorb the moisture. The vein in my neck was pulsating I could hear each beat of my heart like thunder in my head. I knew I should walk away, but I just couldn’t; there was no retreat possible for me. I looked at the ink stains left there on the paper so long ago; did they even know the affect they were having on me? This was it I was not turning back; I steeled myself and walked towards the phone. The sound of the dialling tone left me cold as I dialled the number and let it ring out. It just seemed to go on forever; but no matter what, it would ring out until it was answered. I leaned back against the wall unit, willing it to prop me up; this was a feeling I thought I had left behind long ago.

Hello, a voice that in the past had turned me cold was there, but the chill I was expecting just didn’t arrive; it was just a voice. He sounded old and beating down by life, the power I thought he processed just wasn’t there. Right there and then I knew that the fear of this contact was all it had ever been. It was clear that the sound of my voice had hit him like a steam train. Right there and then I felt the power he used to control me with changing hands; there had never been a more surreal moment for me. He was having trouble forming his words tripping over himself. Then he asked me the question that should have been mine to relay why? Why what? Why was I calling what did I want from him? Right there and then I knew I wanted nothing. He had broken me into so many pieces for as long as I could remember but not today I was whole. Once again did someone not say that the only thing to fear is fear its self? As a metaphor it could not have been clearer. He proceeded to tell me that he had spend a period of two years in therapy on disappearing from my life; I am still not sure why he felt the need to do so. I guess he was now somehow looking for absolution, hoping beyond hope that forgiveness would be mine to give. In truth, by the end of our conversation it felt so very much like this time for him was spent as therapy. I have learnt through my work just how to converse with others that have travelled the path of an abuser; it’s not always those that have been abused that call into a show. There have been many times that it has been the abusers themselves. To my mind when this happens it’s as if they have already started to recognise their wrong doing, why else would they be there listening? Of course this is not always the case; some are there for their very own perverse reasons. But could I give him the same part of me? This was my abuser wanting, hoping, to heal through the tools that I had come to acquire. I’m sure there are those of you out there that are having trouble getting your heads around this – and rightly so: even as I type it seems absurd to me. Life is never black and white; life can turn things on their heads with a moment’s notice. What’s right for someone else is very wrong for others. You need to keep in mind that this was right for me; it’s not something you need to shadow. My monster had become a weak man as time had passed what’s more he probable always had been. Imagine when we were children and that big oak door had been just too heavy to push, as an adult it becomes just another door that we can open easily. The boogie man had become someone with no control over his life whilst I had become strong. So did I beat him down? Did I pour all my past anguish on him from a great height? The answer to that question is no I just didn’t feel the need it wouldn’t change the past. There was no explanation that he could ever have given me that would make up for the things he had done, even though at the start of our conversation that had been my quest.

I replaced the receiver and went to sit in the chair. It was only then that I realised that I had been standing the whole time; maybe I just needed to have that fight or flight option open to me. It was dark and well into the night but I felt as if I were soaking in the sun’s rays, the sky was blue; rainbows seemed to be appearing in front of me. My future had never been so bright. Could I now sleep after our exchange? You bet your life on it. I climbed the stairs one by one each one firmly beneath my feet. I climbed into bed with a complete feeling of peace and I slept like a baby……………….

Completing The Circle Of Life

Posted By on November 19, 2013

circle of lifeMost of us believe in the circle of life it stands for reason because that makes sense. We are born we grow and then we leave this world. For each of us it’s a completely different path that we walk. We may enter into each other’s lives for many different reasons, each time our life’s are either enriched or affected by that chance meeting. We may feel an affinity towards them because something about them draws our attention, these connections are meant to happen; it’s my own belief that they are on the same path on which we were meant to travel. They can often bring us pain simply because of cause and effect; in short they cause us to reassess our own lives, which without shadow or doubt is a walk back to a place we only ever enter gingerly. But lest we forget at times during these chance meetings they also bring us happiness.

The scales of life are weighted to bring a balance to our lives; nothing is without its problems right? Without enduring the pain that comes our way how could we feel the joy? It’s a kind of trade-off a bartering system as such. When it seems to be that it’s our turn to remember that life comes with its own set of problems. Ones in which we feel as if we will never make it through. But in hindsight whilst looking back we already have, although a little battered and bruised. It’s how we learn through our experiences that matters most. We will for sure experience many difficulties and obstacles as we travel through life. What I am trying to say is that we have to walk that road, but we have it in our own control to choose how we do so. We can take many right turns in our life to make it through to the other side, whilst ultimately still completing that circle. We have no other choice but to continue walking, but the way we choose to walk it is our sacred privilege. Circles represent unity, wholeness, infinity without sides or corners. I have myself spent time watching TV where the program is all about the supernatural. It seems that once we are inside the circle we are safe from danger or bad influences. Some believe that once we have come to its ends meeting that we start again on our new journey of life. One thing I’ve learned is that life can take you to a place during this journey that is not even on the map, it’s a highway that seems to extend infinitely into the distance. But we must remember that circles come in all sizes but ultimately both ends have to meet.

What I am trying to convey, in which I hope I am achieving with some success, is that I have nothing but admiration for those that have suffered through abuse within that circle; they have found the courage and the strength to continue on with the knowledge that in time these ends will always meet. A circle is always a circle but when the bottom falls out and it becomes far more like a loop. Abuse is very much like that where quite frankly there are more hills to climb and further to fall. Changing the appearance makes it no less a circle it’s just no longer taut. So we learn to deal with the ups and downs until we are strong enough to take the strength we need from life. In truth we learn to trust just enough to take counsel from those around us, sounds easy doesn’t it? But that statement is far from easy. Trust is something that was ripped from us so long ago. But where there is bad good can also be found, where there is evil you will also find a good soul tucked up there in the corner just awaiting your arrival.

The above is true for us all but for some staying on this path takes immense courage to continue on. They have the ability to be brave whilst in the mix of great pain. The inside of the circle is always beyond their reach, a safe place seems never to be found. They face each day with the thought that staying on this path is just too frightening. The journey is weighted and so very heavy to carry, it’s the one thing they seem unable to but down no matter how they try. They have no other choice then to continue walking, or to descend down the spiral staircase beneath them. The only problem with this particular stanch is that at some point we all have to climb up and continue. We need to learn to carry this weight which has many names so let’s call it here our affliction; that I’m sure has raised many an eyebrow. But it’s one that was once used as a summary towards my own mental health along with many others. There are so many terminologies out there to choose from. Let’s share some of those labels here – baggage; there is one hell of a misconception of mental health all on its own. Chronic depression mentally challenged or a nervous breakdown, unstable, paranoia. We could continue on but we won’t fill this page up with phrases we have all heard at one time or another. So what is it thought of by others this affliction? Is it a dark past; something no one talks about willingly if at all. If spoken of it’s always said within a whisper. The strangest thing of all is that some feel as if they are not able to converse about it with us, as if it were a secret that has to stay hidden. Lest by speaking the words it somehow brings it to life, wow if only that were the case! For those that have travelled or are travelling the very difficult road abuse it is very much alive. No matter how people choose to attach a label so it can be filed neatly away, the only word true to its origin is the word abuse.

People enter into our lives daily and cannot fail to leave an impression of sorts. Some only stay for a short periods before they retreat. They are like butterflies only staying long enough to warm their wings. These people are meant to enter our lives during our journey; something is always left behind from any encounter nothing is by chance. So we hold close those things in which we need to continue, whilst leaving behind those things that will only make our journey harder to travel. I always think of those that I have met throughout my work as angels on this earth with only one wing, seeking camaraderie with those of our like where an alliance is formed. Ultimately in time this alliance becomes an aid with which we can learn to walk with, much like finding our other wing which then enables fight.

So if our path is marked out in front of us however unfair let’s walk that road with pride. Because armed only with the simple reality that you are still sitting here reading, means you are trying to regain control of your own life. I have never been prouder of you………………