Posted By teresa on October 20, 2014
Posted By teresa on October 10, 2014
Its dark – it’s an indisputable fact as we look around us. It’s the absence of light as we watch the day trickle away and leave us. As we all know the sun rises in the east and goes down in the west. To be accurate the sun doesn’t really go anywhere it pretty much stays where it is relative to the earth. But the earth rotates from west to east so the sun appears first in the east and last in the west…. OK too much information but you get my meaning.
But that is not the only reference in which this statement can be interpreted. It can be that something is difficult to understand, it can be characterized by gloom about to descend on us. It’s a Lacking of enlightenment known to us as being in the dark about an act or a fact. This in turn can leave us in a state of ignorance or totally uniformed. It’s a shot in the dark at an attempt to guess at something of which you have no information or knowledge about. It can be secrecy concealment or even obscure. There is the occult where we find things mystical dark practises or a phenomenon. I’m sure if we were to play around with this word there are many more ways to interpret dark.
The dark is something that comes around full circle as each day passes returning to the light in the fullness of time. Night and day being the only distinction.
But my aim here is to try and explain how the darkness feels to those that have or still being abused right now as I type. All of the above of course still holds true, but there is a darkness within us that never seems to be able to find the light. A darkness that is not so easy to explain or relate to as I have done so above. For us the light never seems to touch us as we go through life with a veil covering our head. The dark is somewhere that we often choose to go, when a dark corner seems the only safe place to be. But there’s a conflict because we are also acutely aware that the dark for us was or is a place of immense pain. The dark is where the monster lives raising his head like a viper from a pit when we were most vulnerable. So we choose within the jumble of mixed up feelings and emotions. Not knowing if the dark is there for us to hide in, or a place that brings on the assault of abuse we have lived thorough or are still enduring. Your anguish can become so great that you even find yourself hiding from the truth within the dark just as we tried to hide from our abusers. Sadly as time passes we start to believe that the darkness is our place, where else can we hide from shame guilt or the embarrassment we feel if not in the dark? So is the dark our salvation? Or somewhere we have grown up knowing we have no escape from?
For us it’s never related to the time of day as we strive to find the light that always seems to evade us; we can be standing in a rainbow of colours whilst we feel the sun’s rays beating down on our bodies. Because the light we crave for cannot be found by the rotation of the earth; quite simply it’s only ever going to be found by the rotation of our mind set, as we struggle to come out of the shadow of abuse. That statement seems to be so easily said but where do we look to find the way out? You can’t just open a door and walk through; you can’t even find the door in order to do so. Often people around us open that door wide but it seems even with their help we can’t find the strength needed.
Our minds are very complicated it seems sometimes demanding that we alone are the right person for that particular job.
So let’s think a little about all the above – where do we start? We have believed for so long that we are swallowed up within that darkness. But the problem with that mind set is that we will always lose for as long as we keep telling ourselves we have lost. Wouldn’t it be nice to think that in time we will succeed and that the winning post is out there somewhere? If we can’t do this on our own then we need to reach out to those that may become our balance. Once we reach out with honesty within our minds then we are at last standing at the starting post. With a renewed clarity that we are now ready to walk that road with a new determination.
We start by looking for the support that is offered by others as they are the template that allows growth; they serve as a starting point as we try to begin the arduous journey of reformatting our lives. That support allows us to remould or rearrange our thoughts that until now we have thought was impossible. That support allows us to change the pattern of our behaviour, knowing that that template will hold fast below us if we slip. They are the light shining just beneath us always bright as we move towards finding our own. Once we learn to trust that light we find the strength we need to make upward strides. Make no mistake we are the only ones that can fully make the real difference on that journey. Whilst fighting for your right to stand in the sun. We will never forget that dark place how could we, but now we have the knowledge that it’s our finger that is now firmly placed on the switch.
There is another distinction between the light and the dark for us; this can’t be given to us even by the most accommodating of people. This gift is the one you give to yourself knowing that only you and you alone can achieve its turn around. Ultimately we are the only ones that can slam shut that door of abuse behind us completely; it’s the one thing that can’t be done for us on this we stand alone. For this we need to believe that we deserve to come out of the shade and face the sun. Even if done so gingerly at first by simply only peeking through the shutters. Strangely this can be conquered no matter the time of day.
It’s not the time of the day or night that we are scared of its feeling that we can stand alone long enough within it to make a difference. Whilst resisting the over whelming urge to run. The strangest thing of all is that we run back to the place that should never make us feel safe –the dark – the quarry it seems always looks for the darkest hole to run into when they feel pursued.
So let’s be honest here together quite simply by remembering that it’s never just dark or light – it’s never just black or white. There are the dusks the sunsets and the sunrise for us to look upon. There are so many shades of grey out there for us to choose from. We don’t have to have both feet planted completely on one side of that line staying within the darkness to feel safe. By which I mean that as a metaphor rather than a vision. We can venture out of our comfort zone by stepping over that line just long enough to take a peek at the sun. As time passes merely by default we stay a little longer each time we succeed in doing so.
We start to understand that whilst there it feels good to feel the sun’s rays on your face; It’s a place that if we return to it often enough, we find that we no longer carve for the dark and its secrets. I know the question on your lips right now would be why would you miss the dark at all? I guess the answer to that is that when you have lived in the dark for so long, even the worst scenarios are missed when they have been there long enough. It’s almost like leaning to walk in the sun without the covers over your head lifting that veil just a little at a time. We have to learn a completely new way of living without the structures that have always been there good or bad. But believe me in time this is achievable as you will see when the light beings to filter through. Although the dark is remembered there comes a time that it’s no longer missed. That’s when we neither feel the urge to flee for that dark place to hide in or to run for our lives from the dark and its demons.
At the end of this process you will have acquired the complete knowledge within you that the dark is just another rotation of the earth……..
Posted By teresa on August 13, 2014
Everyone has a little voice inside their head that sometimes defines them, at times we all find ourselves feeling trapped within a set of circumstance. For us all without exception we have duties of sorts to complete during our waking hours. These are as varied as we are because no two people are the same so we will attack those duties differently. It’s what makes us the right person for that job; it’s a place where we and we alone fit. Our choices in life can be restricted by our alter ego more times then we know, it sits silently in the background but we must always remember that it’s there. Within our alter ego we find escape, freedom, a carefree look at life when we need to look away from where we are. It’s sometimes referred to as a ghost whose only job is to whisper alternatives in our ear. The happy go lucky you that is having a ball of a time to all that surrounds us. It’s a character that comes from within our imagination. We welcome it with opens arms as we dance within the game of life. It’s a cut of valve that knows just when to realise that pressure somehow knowing when the pipe is about to blow. Our own armature superhero created to swoop in and save the day. We use in often mindlessly reacting to a quick change of situations. It’s who we talk to whilst weighing up our options, continually darting around within our mind; this done silently without thought why because it’s purely a reaction. It’s the fun side of you a release from the pressures of life that everyone experiences.
Our alter ego could and would not be there without our input. Quite simply put we place things there that give us joy. It’s a makes us feel better when it’s raining outside. We strive to create a happy space by placing the positive things we gather throughout our journey. It’s the chancier within that sometimes gives us the push we need to complete something that may scare us just a little. Our opposite side of the coin the friend we can always count upon to see our side of things.
But what if it’s not?
What if that alter ego was a place of darkness which you had to tried to avoid at any cost where your imagination created the complete opposite?
As I have said above we create a place which makes us feel better by placement. Things that stick in our minds because of the great joy they bring. They have become outstanding events in our mind because of the magnitude of their very being. What if the outstanding events within your mind were so very far from utopia? Abuse leaves its mark like a cavern of explosions reducing your world to a battle field. If this abuse was from an early age then having anything to place within your alter ego that makes you feel joy of any kind is almost impossible. As we grow we learn the skills we need in life to become a whole rounded person learning from our peers. We learn to walk before we can run from those in direct contact with us a mirror image of who we may become. The building blocks are put in place by them to make that structure solid.
But what if they aren’t?
We are left within the remains of an explosion creating a land fill where we crawl around blindly in its remains. Aimlessly digging around, hoping that the bits we need have not been blown so far apart that their reassembly is just a pipe dream. Where to even think we can find a happy space to place within our self-made alter ego is a dream to far. The greatest truth is that we can’t step away from confinements within our lives when they become too difficult. You can’t unlearn things we can only try to rearrange them in the hope that there are still some pieces that may fit.
So all the above said what are our options?
Options when broken down are just a matter of putting one foot in front of another to move forward, without doubt options are the judgement calls that we make now. Quite frankly our alter ego may scare the hell out of us but it will always be a part of us no matter what. We can’t remove it by taking a chalk board to a board but we can learn that living with it is something we can do. No one said that the alter ego we have right here and now are the ones we are stuck with they are just our present. In truth they are not even that important because they are our past what we are looking at now is our future. Somewhere deep inside there is the alter ego that is waiting for the last dance. It’s the wall flower that always what’d to be asked to dance whilst being passed by. It’s the laughter and the joy that is just waiting to be untapped. It’s the smile on your face as you greet each morning on longer afraid of a backward thought. It’s the joy you find in those you choose to surround yourself with on this continued chapter of life. It’s the happy dog wagging its tail just from the joy of greeting, so happy to see you no matter how the day has pasted.
The whole truth is that we can’t bend mend or alter who we are, we can only look for the good and not expect the bad around every corner. Within you is all the strength you need to choose the right options for you. Tomorrow could be a good day with many more to come.
I guess the clue is in the name – Alter ego…….
Posted By teresa on April 18, 2014
A question you may have asked yourself many times over. Do you take control of your own life or blame others for how you live and behave? Do you walk the road of blame for the way you have turned out? Should you shout on high say with Augusto that you were abused so you abuse? Transfer your guilt if or even when it arises for the actions you have taken – It’s easy right? Quite simply you just pass it back through the years, believing vehemently that the pain you are inflicting is neither by choice nor of your making. Do you convince yourself of that? Live your life with no compassion after all none was ever shown to you. There’s that bubble you climb inside where you feel that all is justified, a safe haven, one in which you feel that you will not be condemned. What could you do about it anyway the apple never falls very far from the tree does it? That one I can vouch for because it was burned so deeply within me by my abuser since childhood. Just like my father before me I walk the road of the fallen. You’ve been conditioned that way how do you fight genetic inheritance? Told from such an early age that it’s ok that no one need no. It was just their way of showing you that they loved you. It was a secret – a bond that only you and your abuser shared. It was special others would not understand the love you both shared, Jealousy would spoil everything – so what’s the harm? You are only trying to repeat that bond a generation further.
Ok let’s rewind – can we even take any of the above justifications seriously? But the above scenarios are being put out there so often by those that abuse. Let’s be quite clear here there is nor could there be any justification for abuse whatsoever. When it comes to people making excuses for their abusive actions there are none. The words above quite frankly even now whist typing I can still conjure up a ball of fire ready to explode within me. So deep at times that it still reminds me of the rage I felt whilst trying to understand my own abuser. At that time there were days when the rage I felt was likened to a nuclear explosion. The impact of sexual abuse varies from child to child for many the damage is enormous, with the impact still being felt into adulthood affecting all aspects of their life. But this does not give anyone an open door to walk through to serve their own abusive damage. In a nut shell to all those abusers out there – being abused does not give you the god given right to abuse. You may be wondering why I made that statement during this piece so I’ll share with you. Those that are or have been abused are not the only ones that come here to read. I often hear the words of an abuser. I live daily with the hope that for them just being here it signals their first step toward change.
Working through the memories of childhood abuse is painstaking work it will never happen overnight. But if we are ever going to be tested in our lives then this is one of the biggest test of all. We find a way of working through, which in no shape or form puts others on that road to hell. It takes strength to cast aside the legacy we feel we were left with after abuse. No doubt this is the harder road to walk. But this is your life isn’t it? You alone make the decisions that determine your future. We can’t live in the past but equally we can’t bury it either it has to be faced.
Some would say that we have even lost our soul during those turbulent years; loss is not a word that comes to my mouth easily. To my mind it was never lost it was stolen, recovering that part of you is paramount. Once we lose our soul we also lose our identity we have just become just another static within the realms of abuse. We feel that we are no more than a faceless number, in truth you don’t even want to remember who you are. Along with this we find ourselves with a selective memory. We continue on pouring on an avalanche of rock to hold down the part of us we just can’t face. We feel dead within still breathing whilst hopelessly hoping there is no tomorrow. But tomorrow does come and face it we must. The strength you need is just waiting there to be tapped into. Once you take that leap of faith you will find that deep down inside there is small flame still burning; we just need to move the rock.
The above excuses at the start of this piece are spoken so often by those that abuse, that I’m guessing it seems to alleviate their conscience. Clearly without doubt the blame rests elsewhere. But for every one that chooses that easy road of denial there are two more that choose to take that hard road. They make the choice to be different ever ready to stand tall and alone if needed. They are the ones that I try to reach out to within my every waking hour.
There is a way through abuse to recovery that does not involve taking others on that downward spiralling staircase of abuse. For each of us its different there is no yard stick to measure our progress. We learn to process the memoires that we remember as and when we can, because those traumatizing memories are not always remembered all at once on a conscious level. In truth it’s your mind that is protecting you from confronting all those painful memories all at once. You will remember more when you are ready and able. With remembrance and time you find that you are working towards and able to see that positive outcome that can be yours. This is the right way – the one where you say to all that you alone stopped abuse in its tracks.
Once you reach that feeling of completion you will understand fully – that yes it is indeed you life.
Posted By teresa on January 26, 2014
So what would be our ultimate test be? The one that you know without doubt you now hold all the cards. The aces are now in your grasp and not in those of your abuser. It was a very surreal moment the very first day I knew that from here on in I controlled my destiny. At first it was a little difficult to deal with, because for so many years we are told how to think feel and react. What was allowed to be made public knowledge and those things we were told must always remain secret. We have learnt the hard of way how to hide our scars and emotions. It’s a long way to claw your way back to a place of complete recovery. For so long like the image attached to this piece you have felt gagged and restrained. These restrictions never needed to be seen we always knew they were just there within our world of pain. When we embark on the road forward to take we control it’s a little like a baby trying to take their first step, we know that we need to learn to walk or we will never move forward, but just like that infant we are going to fall many times. These falls never heal quickly even when the immediate cuts and brushes disappear because they have a profound effect on us. With each fall we take it just seems to compound that walking alone is something we can’t do. For so long we were controlled, confused, made to think that without our abuser the world could come to an end. I can almost hear those of you out there saying that was never the case but in truth it’s that exactly. I my own case I was made to feel that the only one that would be there for me was my abuser. He was the only one that cared; making it without him was a fool’s errand. Abuse is a strange way of caring for anyone right? But when told often enough that if they were to take it away you would never make it on your own you start to think would I? Thoughts are compounded so deeply within you that they are your only salvation you start to believe it. In a sick kind of way it seems that they are your only salvation. Let’s remembers here that for me this abuse was there for as long as I can remember. This resonates with so many people I meet within my work. We are dealing with the mind of a child one that believes what’s told to them. Sadly the end result is that this person becomes the one constant in our lives. Sitting here now talking to you I am well aware that for me that was the case, it took me many years to change that thought process. As for all of us it is a huge mountain to climb. My abuser followed me for many years well into my adulthood far after he was no longer around, but for some reason still unknown to me he continued to mould my mind – but why? I have been giving many answers to that question which once burned so deeply within me; the one repeated more often than not is that somehow through his control for so many years, I stayed very much that scarred little child. Through my many radio interviews I continue to meet those that have travelled much the same path as me, many still trying to heal that child within. It’s a hard up stream struggle. As we continue to grow into the person we are meant to be time heals those scars so deeply felt. I was asked quite recently if I recollect any good memories within my childhood, sadly without much thought the answer to that question was a resounding no. But with all that said happily I now have new memories, those of my own choosing. These happy memories go a long way to healing the pain of my past.
I’m going to return now to the heading of this piece and the reason I sit here today talking to you. I have crossed over many bridges to be who I am today, I have learnt to walk within my pain and I no longer feel the burning terror that used to tear at my emotions. I have faced my past and strive daily to connect with those still struggling within abuse. I give live interviews knowing that no matter what question is asked of me, I will be able to answer with control and in control. There have been some pretty difficult ones throw at me at times, but hey you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. Each day I start it as I wish now; I make my own plans and live my own life. I feel as if I am in a complete place of strength. So what was left for me to conquer? I had taken back my life; my abuser was no longer in control. I had been able to share my story with you within my book, which in truth helped me so very much upon completion. I am no longer looking over my shoulder afraid of what I may see; I can now visit places alone whilst still feeling safe. That may sound like a strange thing to say, but life for me before my recovery was very much how it was. I know quite clearly that my abuser is no longer even in this country but back then that didn’t seem to matter. Fear made me feel that he could reach me wherever he might be – that’s their ace in hand – our fear. For many years now it seemed to me that I had dealt with everything I needed to. That every stone had been over turned that in time I had won that fight. But there was just something lurking in the back in my mind that I was never really sure of, something that I could never really pin down. Then it came to me during a very surreal moment quite recently. This I knew was the resounding end to everything that ever happened to me. I sit here now to share it with you. But before I start I wish to make it totally clear that this is not a bench mark for everyone, it’s not a goal you wish to aspire to or anything else that springs to your mind whilst reading. It was my continuation that for many years I never knew existed. If I am completely honest with you it did further my strength; I won’t use the word recovery because for me that had already been achieved. I had already aspired to that some years ago. So why am I sharing? Maybe it’s just to share with you that we can face the monster head on and come away still whole.
It’s around eleven pm in the evening and I’ve been sitting here all evening relaxing watching the television. I had an interview earlier that evening that went really well the host was great and the interview had flowed. It had put me in a thoughtful mood which never fails to happen, you can’t share and then walk away as if the interview had never happened. But this evening was somehow a little different why I can’t say, there was nothing that sprang to mind then or even now. A niggle in the back of my mind my taking on a life of its own, one that I could not relate to or own at that time. Something just seemed fated at that precise moment. It was like I had taken an interval in the proceedings that had never really come to a full stop. I could not shake the feeling that there was an irreversible succession of events from the past just out of reach in my mind’s eye. Much like I had to stopped for a commercial break. It would not interrupt the program; it would just enlighten me to what’s out there if I cared to look. It was something which seemed to separate two points in time. My instinct at that time was telling me that whatever it was it had to be handled carefully, I just knew that it had seemed out of reach before. Ok I think I have made my point so let’s end it here before I over kill it – something for me was still left undone.
It seemed to creep up on me from behind, realisation slapped firmly full in my face. I had to complete the circle; I had to talk to him. Suddenly there he was standing in front of me. Of course it does not need to be said this was a scenario was being played within my head. Did someone not once say fear is the thing that makes us fearful? Well I’m here to tell you they were right on the money. There was nothing I could do to stop the thoughts in my head running away with me I had to talk to him, a fact unbeknownst to me until that one moment in time, there was just one more hurdle I had to climb over. Could I talk to my stepfather and take back the power? Because in truth all that had passed before I had completed on my own, my recovery had been my doing. Although as you already know I did not do that alone. A single branch will break, but a bundle is strong. I found that strength and camaraderie within you and others like you. Right then right there I knew that the only way for me to feel complete was to face him head on. There was no way this could be achieved face to face, the expanse of miles were too far apart he was no longer in the country. But to talk to him hear his voice would that be enough? I had his telephone number in a cupboard which had been given to me many years ago, it may not even be a number still in use but my gut told me otherwise. The feeling was not going away; it was now after 1pm in the morning, later in the place he now called home. I stood up and walked toward the cupboard, each step sending shudders up my spin why was it having this affect? All I can say is that the thought of his voice left me in a place akin to hell. I had spent so many years fearing that sound. My hands where sweating I had to wipe them against me to absorb the moisture. The vein in my neck seemed to be pulsating I could hear each beat of my heart like thunder in my head. I should walk away but I just couldn’t there was no retreat possible for me. I looked at the ink stains left there on the paper so long ago; did they even know the affect they were having on me? This was it I was not turning back; I steeled myself and walked towards the phone. The sound of the dial tone left me cold as I dialled the number and let it ring out. It just seemed to go on forever but no matter what it would ring out until it was answered. I leaned back against the wall unit willing it to prop me up this was a feeling I thought I had left behind long ago.
Hello, a voice that in the past had turned me cold was there, but the chill I was expecting just didn’t arrive it was just a voice. He sounded old and beating down by life, the power I thought he processed just wasn’t there. Right there and then I knew that the fear of this contact was all it had ever been. It was clear that the sound of my voice had hit him like a steam train. Right there and then I felt the power he used to control me with change hands, there had never been a more surreal moment for me. He was having trouble forming his words tripping over himself. Then he asked me the question that should have been mine to relay why? Why what? Why was I calling what did I want from him? Right there and then I knew I wanted nothing. He had broken me into so many pieces for as long as I could remember but not today I was whole. Once again did someone not say that the only thing to fear is fear its self? As a metaphor it could not have been clearer. He proceeded to tell me that he had spend a period of two years in therapy on disappearing from my life, I am still not sure why he felt the need to do so. I guess he was now somehow looking for absolution, hoping beyond hope that forgiveness would be mine to give. In truth by the end of our conversation it felt so very much like this time for him was spent as therapy. I have learnt through my work just how to converse with others that have travelled the path of an abuser, it’s not always those that have been abused that call into a show. There have been many times that it has been an abuser themselves. To my mind when this happens it’s as if they have already started to recognise their wrong doing, why else would they be there listening? Of course this is not always the case some are there for their very own perverse reasons. But could I give him the same part of me? This was my abuser wanting, hoping, to heal through the tools that I had come to acquire. I’m sure there are those of you out there that are having trouble getting your head around this, and rightly so even as I type it seems to be absurd to me. Life is never black and white; life can turn things on its head with a moment’s notice. What’s right for someone else is very wrong for others. You need to keep in mind that this was right for me; it’s not something you need to shadow. My monster had become a weak man as time had passed what’s more he probable always had been. Imagine when we were children and that big oak door had been just too heavy to push, as an adult it becomes just another door that we can open easily. The bogie man had become someone with no control in his life whilst I had become strong. So did I beat him down? Did I pour all my past anguish on him from a great height? The answer to that question is no I just didn’t feel the need it wouldn’t change the past. There was no explanation that he could ever have given me that would make up for the things he had done, even though at the start of our conversation that had been my quest.
I replaced the receiver and went to sit in the chair, it was only then that I realised that I had been standing the whole time, maybe I just needed to have that fight or flight option open to me. It was dark and well into the night but I felt as if I were soaking in the sun’s rays, the sky was blue; rainbows seemed to be appearing in front of me. My future had never been so bright. Could I now sleep after our exchange? You bet your life on it. I climbed the stairs one by one each one firmly beneath my feet. I climbed into bed with a complete feeling of peace and I slept like a baby……………….
Posted By teresa on November 19, 2013
Most of us believe in the circle of life it stands for reason because that makes sense. We are born we grow and then we leave this world. For each of us it’s a completely different path that we walk. We may enter into each other’s lives for many different reasons, each time our life’s are either enriched or affected by that chance meeting. We may feel an affinity towards them because something about them draws our attention, these connections are meant to happen; it’s my own belief that they are on the same path on which we were meant to travel. They can often bring us pain simply because of cause and effect; in short they cause us to reassess our own lives, which without shadow or doubt is a walk back to a place we only ever enter gingerly. But lest we forget at times during these chance meetings they also bring us happiness.
The scales of life are weighted to bring a balance to our lives; nothing is without its problems right? Without enduring the pain that comes our way how could we feel the joy? It’s a kind of trade off a bartering system as such. When it seems to be that it’s our turn to remember that life comes with its own set of problems. Ones in which we feel as if we will never make it through. But in hindsight whilst looking back we already have, although a little battered and bruised. It’s how we learn through our experiences that matters most. We will for sure experience many difficulties and obstacles as we travel through life. What I am trying to say is that we have to walk that road, but we have it in our own control to choose how we do so. We can take many right turns in our life to make it through to the other side, whilst ultimately still completing that circle. We have no other choice but to continue walking, but the way we choose to walk it is our sacred privilege. Circles represent unity, wholeness, infinity without sides or corners. I have myself spent time watching TV where the program is all about the supernatural. It seems that once we are inside the circle we are safe from danger or bad influences. Some believe that once we have come to its ends meeting that we start again on our new journey of life. One thing I’ve learned is that life can take you to a place during this journey that is not even on the map, it’s a highway that seems to extend infinitely into the distance. But we must remember that circles come in all sizes so ultimately both ends have to meet.
What I am trying to convey, in which I hope I am achieving with some success, is that I have nothing but admiration for those that have suffered through abuse within that circle; they have found the courage and the strength to continue on with the knowledge that in time these ends will always meet. A circle is always a circle but when the bottom falls out and it becomes far more like a loop. Abuse is very much like that where quite frankly there are more hills to climb and further to fall. Changing the appearance makes it no less a circle it’s just no longer taut. So we learn to deal with the ups and downs until we are strong enough to take the strength we need from life. In truth we learn to trust just enough to take council from those around, sounds easy doesn’t it? But that statement is far from easy. Trust is something that was ripped from us so long ago. But where there is bad good can also be found, where there is evil you will also find a good soul tucked up there in the corner just awaiting your arrival.
The above is true for us all but for some staying on this path takes immense courage to continue on. They have the ability to be brave whilst in the mix of great pain. The inside of the circle is always beyond their reach, a safe place seems never to be found. They face each day with the thought that staying on this path is just too frightening. The journey is weighted and so very heavy to carry, it’s the one thing they seem unable to but down no matter how they try. They have no other choice then to continue walking, or to descend down the spiral staircase beneath them. The only problem with this particular stanch is that at some point we all have to climb up and continue. We need to learn to carry this weight which has many names so let’s call it here our affliction; that I’m sure has raised many an eyebrow. But it’s one that was once used as a summery towards my own mental health along with many others. There are so many terminologies out there to choose from. Let’s share some of those labels here – baggage; there is one hell of a misconception of mental health all on its own. Chronic depression mentally challenged or a nervous breakdown, unstable, paranoia. We could continue on but we won’t fill this page up with phrases we have all heard at one time or another. So what is it thought of by others this affliction? Is it a dark past; something no one talks about willingly if at all. If spoken of it’s always said within a whisper. The strangest thing of all is that some feel as if they are not able to converse about it with us, as if it were a secret that has to stay hidden. Lest by speaking the words it somehow brings it to life, wow if only that were the case! For those that have travelled or are travelling the very difficult road abuse it is very much alive. No matter how people choose to attach a label so it can be filed neatly away, the only word true to its origin is the word abuse.
People enter into our lives daily and cannot fail to leave an impression of sorts. Some only stay for a short periods before they retreat. They are like butterflies only staying long enough to warm their wings. These people are meant to enter our lives during our journey; something is always left behind from any encounter nothing is by chance. So we hold close those things in which we need to continue, whilst leaving behind those things that will only make our journey harder to travel. I always think of those that I have met throughout my work as angels on this earth with only one wing, seeking camaraderie with those of our like where an alliance is formed. Ultimately In time this alliance becomes an aid with which we can learn to walk with, much like finding our other wing which then enables fight.
So if our path is marked out in front of us however unfair let’s walk that road with pride. Because armed only with the simple reality that you are still sitting here reading, means you are trying to regain control of your own life. I have never been prouder of you………………
Posted By teresa on September 28, 2013
This question used to be at the forefront of my mind, embedded so deeply that there seemed to be no escaping the powerful emotions that it evoked. When did it start? Why was I born this way? How could I stop the terrible things going on all around me I was hurting so many people. Maybe the answer would be found in prayer, I was willing to do anything to stop my world from falling down all around me. It seemed that everything I touched fell apart. I was just like my dad that was what I was being told. My abuser had likened me to him so many times. Clearly I was from bad stock. Something was misfiring within my brain; were my circuits broken? I can’t seem to find a way out of the chaos it’s just a jumbled mess. I know that I am suffering blackouts, moments of time are being lost completely. There is an inherent unpredictability in my behaviour; I feel the need to lash out at the smallest of things but I can’t stop it. Nothing I do will end the pain and suffering that I had created. I’m just like my dad; the words playing over and over in my mind. Someone was hitting the repeat button reiterating just how evil I was lest I forget; some chance didn’t they know that I could never forget. After all I saw my reflection every day, the evil staring back at me with that dark look of menace. I’m not sure that prayer was the answer, maybe the answer to my questions would only ever found within the dark arts. This merry-go-round I was on must surly come to a stop at some point. I felt as if I was taking on the world, or was the world taking me on? Maybe I had made a pact with the devil himself? Did I even believe in heaven and hell? I knew the devil was out there he was shadowing my every move, who am I kidding he had completely taken me over. I know that my real father had beaten my mother; I was in fact one month early because of a boot throw at her in just another rage. The pub was where he spent most of his time, staving both her and us children of food, whilst choosing to spend his money on alcohol. Clearly I was from a bad seed because I was also choosing to hide my head in the bottle, but it was the only way I could get through the day. Waking each morning to a raging headache, sometimes spending the day running back and forth to the toilet as my body could no longer contain the poison I was inflicted on it. I couldn’t stop the memories were just too painful; I had to find some relieve even if only for a short while. I felt like a mouse running as fast as I could on a wheel that never stopped turning. So what of my soul did I even have one? If so it must be as black as coal. How could I fight the badness within that I was born with?
Lets stop here and let the words above sink in do you really believe all of the above? I know that for many right at this moment in time the resounding reply would be a firm yes. I’m not going to even try to knock that reaction, because I myself lived through the whole experience. When you have been brain washed to this extent it’s a hell of a dark hole to climb out of, you may as well be at the bottom of an abyss. Light seems to be something that avoids you, sometimes of your own choosing as the darkness seems to hold some quarter of safety. Unconditional surrender to it seems to be the only answer; there is nowhere to look in order to find clemency. So there we sit doing just what our abuser hoped to achieve. We are just where he spent so many years trying to send us. Over more we seem to be happy there, the only other way was to fight it but that’s not an option right? Because it’s a fight we believe we have no hope in hell of winning. But the truth of the matter is that we are just a puppet on a string, dancing to any tune our abuser felt he could play. In truth their not even involved in the scenario anymore we are the only ones hearing the tune. My own bobbed around for so long in my head that it felt empty once I found the strength to call it to a halt. To clarify as if it needs to be said it’s not an easy ride. But the real question you have to ask yourself without doubt sits right up there if you chose to look- is your life so easy now? Do you stay within the puppet show choosing to look the other way? There will come a time in your life where that’s no longer an option. We all have to arrive at a point in our lives where we have no other option than to stare our demons square in the face. My aim here is to make the transition for you as short as possible.
Let’s now return to the top of the page and that overwhelming question – Are we evil? The resounding reply to that question is no. You were a child with the forethought and understanding of a child. The evil that sits all around us during that time is in the mind of our abusers, making it seem as if it was our life choice. You never had a choice. As children we look to those we love and our peers as to the rights and wrongs of life. As we grow we carry that pain along with us, until there comes a time where we all encounter that brick wall. It’s out there in front of us; there is no avoiding it the wall always wins. So now we have a choice maybe for many for the first time in our lives. We can take it down one brick at a time or feel its full force when we encounter it. Together any wall can be pushed over; we are able to find that strength within each other. Your journey starts from just looking behind for a short period of time to take hold of those strings, on doing so you become the puppeteer. Once done there is no longer a need for backward glances it’s now long past time for you to look to the future…..
Posted By teresa on August 15, 2013
Right off the bat that must sound like such a selfish thing to say, why would I wish what had happened to me on my siblings? But it’s an age-old question that haunting me for many years. Did I do something wrong? Was it because I misbehaved? Surly not I only acted that way to get noticed. If I were noticed, then people couldn’t help but see what was happening to me. Anyway why should it only happen to me? There’s that selfish thought again. Truthfully I was not even sure that they weren’t living this hell, maybe we were all going through the same terrifying torment. Were we all experiencing this excruciating mental anguish? I couldn’t ask them because if they weren’t then they would know about me, I would unleash a chain of events that I couldn’t stop, then my abuser would know and that terrified me. There would be nowhere to hide from his wrath, he was firmly in control, l had no control whatsoever; I would be thrown to the wolves. I remember trying to stay awake once he left me, maybe I would then hear something that would finally answer my question, but each night my eyes got just too heavy to stop from closing them. Sleep was also something that I fought with a vengeance; nothing lay in wait there but the nightmares where I would relive everything that had just taken place. Vengeance…. there’s a word I thought of often but it evaded me for many years, by which time I no longer felt the need to harm anyone concerned. That was a hard one to achieve. I used to think it would be mine in the next life. But in truth the reality that became mine was that the best vengeance of all is to do nothing. I can almost hear the gasps of air being taken in right now as I sit here typing, see in front of me the shocked faces that feel they will never understand my sentiment. These words almost always receive that reaction. If someone is still within the claws of abuse I may as well be speaking Martian. It’s only after you have passed through the journey you are now on that these words become clear. Nothing is permanent in this world not even our troubles. We have to believe that nothing in this world is as strong as gentleness and nothing in this world is as strong as strength. I looked for a reason for so many years as to why me without any success. But we can never understand our abusers reason because reason is not always automatic; those that deny it cannot be conquered by it. To our abusers mind that in turn means a reason does not even have to be offered. So where do we run with that? There is only one place left to run – which is straight through it. On emerging on the other side we no longer feel that the question has to be answered. What lies behind us or before us are tiny matters to what lies within us. On this journey into the abyss we find all we need to conquer that question. I also looked for some kind of communication to be given to me that would explain the journey I was made to travel. It’s true to say sometimes the strangest thing about communication, is to believe that it has even taken place. But if we listen hard enough deep within we have communicated with the only one that matters – our child within. It’s been a lonely road out there for them for so many years, but once this communication has been established we just know. Emotional scars remind us of where we have been, they do not have to dictate where we are going.
So here I am back at that age-old question – why me? Do you still really feel the need to ask? Knowing why will never change our past; it only makes us hold on to a question that we have to leave behind us.
Let’s not forget vengeance – where there is anger there is always pain underneath, just by letting go we allow the pain to start to heal. I now firmly believe that before we embark on a journey of rage we need to dig two graves………….
Posted By teresa on July 3, 2013
1. Tell us a little about your latest book?
In a nutshell, my book is a walk-through of my own personal experiences, within the mind field of abuse and recovery. Through writing my book, I found the strength and hope to come back from a very dark place. My greatest wish whilst writing was to impart to others, that we can all achieve this. I guess the prayer offered up within its pages, was that the strength could be found within, for others to make their own journey to recovery.
After an accident in which I injured my back, I was ill-health retired. This gave me the time and dedication to put pen to paper. My life was no longer full, and I found myself with an abundance of alone time, to sit and reflect everything I had tried so hard to bury. Although this journey was extremely difficult for me, my hope is that anyone finding themselves in the same type of situation may take some strength from its content. If this book were to be catalogued, where would it fall? A true account, a personal autobiography or self-help? The real truth is, in all three.
Whilst writing I was forced down a road that I never really wanted to walk again. It’s an insight to the lengths someone will go to achieve their goal. At times I had to walk away to deal with the emotions that it invoked. To say this person was very unhinged would be an understatement. Teetering on the edge of insanity, and crossing over more times than I can count. Where everyone else involved just became fall out. It was as if I were being pursued by the devil himself. There seemed to be nothing I could do to stop him and the destruction he left in his wake. The facts within are very hard to believe, but believe it I must because I was there.
For myself my book was a journey that I had to take. I needed to silence the demons I was carrying along with me.
There is a place deep inside of us all that remains untapped, unless you reach your lowest point and allow the soul within you to take hold. Today my outlook on life is so very different; instead of the glass being half empty the glass is half full. It was time to heal the child within me; she had suffered enough.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel; my books aim was to reassure that. “There’s a fine line” was my saviour, and through my writing I found my way back to the right side of that line…..
2. Who is your primary target audience?
I guess my primary audience would be those who have lived through the suffering of abuse; it has so many forms and guises. So would that fall under any heading? If only it were that easy. You will find abuse lurking in ever dark corner available, so my primary audience would be those that need to come back to the light. Those who want to take that step to heal the void that abuse creates, even those that are not quite ready to face their demons. Camaraderie can still be found within the madness of abuse. Small steps over time become a stride. By coming together, we find that there is a hand to hold, to take the right steps. Sadly my audience is vast.
3. Where do books stand in the ever-growing self-help industry?
Books or any reading material will always be an ever-growing part of the self-help industry; they are a part of everyone’s daily life. We can lose ourselves in books, escape the daily droll of life. The self-help industry with regard to books is one that allows us to take steps forward in our own time. What I mean by that is that recovery is not black and white; it’s all shades of gray.
If we sit in a doctor’s office we are expected to relate and relay our feelings, which is not always an easy thing to do. Books on self-help are flexible, because we can read and digest at our own pace. If we have had enough for that day we can stop; the book is always there tomorrow. A lot of the books are written by survivors or those that work within the field. But the greatest gift of all is that it’s right there in your hand, and always there for reference.
4. What do you think can further improve the coming future of the self help industry?
There is always room for improvement within the self-help industry as there is in any walk of life; we should never feel that improvement it not needed. For me it’s a question of asking the right questions to the right people. What do I mean by that? Well, if you what to learn how to drive, you ask a driving instructor, so the best person to ask about self-help are those that have achieved that aim. I feel that there is a lot of knowledge out there that remains untapped; the greatest understanding is always given by those who have walked that road.
Link to Letsmote.com
Posted By teresa on May 30, 2013