Teresa Joyce

Author Of "There's A Fine Line"

Our Core Element

Posted By on August 26, 2015

core elementThe core element that resides within every one of us is the place where we decide the direction we wish to move in. It’s the place in which we interrupt the many things that are put up in front of us every day. It’s the place in which we sit when we need to determine both our negative and positive outcomes. This procedure in turn can manifest the complete way in which we look or relate to life. Our core element holds us where we are within the structure that keeps us upright and moving forward. We could even liken it to a seed from which we grow because every tree was once an acorn. It’s the stuffing that’s within us just like the trunk of that tree which supplies the roots of life. It’s from there our branches reach out not unlike that tree grasping at life and how we see it set out before us. Ever time this happens we see a glimpse of light which in turn will have a profound effect on our outlook of life itself. This is inevitable as we forage within that forest making room for growth; our branches always searching to find the light because put quite simply without light nothing grows.

Ok let’s just pause for a moment here – what if by some odd freak of nature we never even turned our heads towards the light, believing that our branches would only ever find their foliage within the darkness – that sounds pretty messed up: am I right? If we were to think about our lives and our role within it this falls into place often. Just by the way that we envisage and remember all that had gone on around us in order to form this state of mind. Abuse is the most destructive element ever to walk among us.

So where do I start? I guess a good place would be to recognise that every day we decide to be positive or negative within the choices that we make. Furthermore our reaction to every scenario we are faced with. Being positive or negative dictates the frame of mind that we are in. When we are feeling positive we deal with the situation calmly, thinking about our reaction before we blow the situation out of all proportion. When we are feeling negative the powder keg seems to alight itself, as we watch the line of powder creeping ever closer along the ground before us towards ignition.

We have all heard such things as the glass is half-full and not half-empty- that we should look on the bright side of life. It seems that positive people live longer. We are told that positive people make better decisions and that we should be thankful for ever day. I can agree that the above would be a great way to live your life, if only those negatives had not been instilled into your mind so completely. If only you had seen a snippet of the above whist you were that small acorn knowing which way to direct your growth. So here we are sitting within the life that was imposed upon us, overly more feeling that there is really nothing to be positive about. Wow that was one hell of a negative thought; I felt it even by the action of just placing my fingers on the keyboard. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that you have nothing to feel negative about; hell: you are carrying the weight of your past abuse upon your shoulders reaffirming your right to feel this way. In truth you have a get out of jail card which you can produce on demand I know this to be a fact because I used mine often.

So where do we go? We have to start to perceive things differently.

Some of the things that come to my mind easily used to send me on a road of complete negativity. A return call that was promised but not received. Did I think that person does not care enough to return that call as promised? Or do I think that person must be having a really busy day? An evening out has been arranged and extra transport is needed with the outcome that I end up in a taxi alone; do I think that’s just the way it is there was not enough room? Or do I think that I was singled out to travel alone? We could continue here but I’m sure I have put my point across.

Living through the terror of abuse can often make you feel complete negativity with regards to everything surrounding your life but it does have to stay that way? Can we not rearrange our thoughts to reflect the real meaning of all that goes on around us? Right here and now I can tell you that it is possible, but you are the only one that can make that change. You have to see beyond that something that for so long may have been stunting your growth. Believe that if we look beyond that point towards the light the above positives fit into our lives quite nicely. We can retrace our lives in order to start to repair the damage done during our years within abuse; there is always a back door you just need to locate it. Learn to trust that you have it within your power to alter everything from here on in. That a positive thought is something that you are allowed to have in the right here and now taking each day as it arrives. From today you could start to build a new life one that doesn’t feel the rain even before its starts raining. Sadly however much I would like to accompany you on this journey, it’s a journey we must travel alone. But I will leave you with this one positive – it’s the one journey in which you already have the ticket in your hand all you have to do is use it…….

Emotions

Posted By on July 18, 2015

soulEmotions – Wow! They are difficult, simply because they are so far-ranging. But the undeniable fact is that they are all coming from the same place of origin – deep-seated within the very core of our being. We have it within us to feel such a range of emotions, over which at times we have no control, no matter how we try. They seem to take on a life of their own – at times dragging us along behind, even whilst we are kicking and screaming. To try and contain all of the emotions we feel within this piece would be no more than a fool’s errand; quite simply – I would be here well into the night, and you would have fallen asleep, bored by the long-drawn-out process.

For everyone there are some emotions that are far more extensively used than others: love, hate, fear, sadness, are the four that come to my mind most readily. These are the emotions that enter our lives often, sometimes on a daily basis; they are the core elements, from which every other emotion finds itself standing at the starting block. Once these feelings are evoked within us, we find that we are unable to exclude the others; they are unable to wait their turn, all so eager to add their input. Emotions never arrive purely alone, there is an ever-ready queue standing right behind ready to jump abroad – sure that without their say we will never reach a conclusion. Purely for this reason at times it seems that we are forever chasing our tail. Inviting in or rejecting each emotion, as we try to find a way out of either the pain we feel that we can’t endure, or the love that seems to invade our every waking hour. At these times we are trying so hard not to allow another thought to enter our mind. But the truth of the matter is that the only choice you have is no choice. Granted they are doing so solely by means of trespass, but the Park Warden is nowhere to be seen. Emotions can take us along on a roller coaster ride through heaven or hell, which can fill us either with complete elation or the deepest despair. I guess we should never be so blind to think that we can survive purely by feeding on nourishment alone; without the other side of the coin, there would never be balance.

Our brain is very much akin to a computer: this is where we store all our thoughts; this is where we go to make our decisions. Our minds control everything that we do; we go there to retreat, to reflect, to work on the emotions within us which need attention to complete the development of our very being. But unlike the computer, we don’t have any access to a quick fix. It would be oh! So easy if – just like that computer – the technology was available to fix the parts within ourselves that is broken. We can’t rely on an easy downloadable program to fix our bugs within, to remove a virus, or even a super-smart defrag program to clear out our complete system, rearranging all the files within so that we have a speedier access point from which to start.

Let’s take a look at how we ourselves deal with our emotions within abuse. If it were within the realms of possibility for me to create a tick box list advising you which emotion to deal with first, that’s just what I would be doing. We could then together work through each and every one. From there we could easily remove them with a click of a mouse to our dealt-with or saved files. If only we were as analogical as the equipment in front of me here and now. But we have to live in the real world, knowing our place within it; there will never be a more complex force than the emotions that reside inside of each and every one of us. We all need to feel these emotions even with the highs and lows they create and inflict upon us, because without them each one of us really would become just another machine.

So now let’s think about the emotions that surround abuse. As children we learn that emotions are something that we have to learn to control, we can’t just hit out because a sibling makes us angry. We can’t always have our own way within the home environment compromise has to exist. We need to learn the art of sharing, waiting our turn, behaving in a manner that keeps a harmonious balance. All these lessons are of course life’s demands on the way in which we are expected to behave; if we all follow these rules then peace settles around us. Why rock the boat when you’re not even in the water? Ok! here ends today’s lesson of a life of a child without the terror of abuse.

You have to remember that even as children living with the effects of abuse, those same lessons were always being put up in front of us. Turning our world on its head, our emotions upside down, whilst we struggle to find as to how we can achieve any of the above. We have been singled-out for special treatment; we are so very lucky to have all this attention lavished purely upon us. All this adoration should make us feel that we are the favourite, the one that does not need to live within those rules why should we? How do the rules above apply to us anyway: surely by definition we are different? Maybe we act out a little just to push the boundaries that one step beyond. The emotions and conflicting signals all around us have us almost feeling that we are just a little bit spoilt. That last statement left a very unpalatable taste in my mouth. Confused? How can any child make any sense of the situation surrounding them within that world of complete madness?

So we learn those lessons but in a completely different way than a child not suffering the intolerable pain of abuse. We learn that, love, hate, fear and sadness exist – but in a completely different manner. We learn to hide our emotions; almost as if we are not allowed to feel them at all, we grow up to interpret the world in a manner which only an abused child would understand. We learn that nothing is only ever black and white there are so many other colours that blend in, so that where we want to be. If we could only just blend in we could go unnoticed. Our emotions will never have to be out there on show; maybe we can’t even feel any emotion in its purest form.

Speaking for myself I still struggle even today with being able to trust my emotions, or to trust anyone that ventures in to take a peek. I’ve learnt that emotions were to be held within – that a show of emotion leaves you in a situation you can’t control. I have spent so many years trying to undo the imprint of my childhood; yes: I’ve made progress but this is the one obstacle that for me is the hardest to climb over. Having dealt with my abuse you would think that it would have been a natural progression. But even the word emotion is hard to explain or relate to, whilst trying to find the words that seem unable to leave your mouth. Learning to live with these emotions unpicking all that has for so long been bonded together is not an easy task. Is it possible? I would like to think so. It’s a journey we can take together when we realise that we are not alone. The camaraderie found within us all can be felt even if no other person is present. There is another list of emotions that become new life lessons which once achieved will bring us closer together, enabling us to feel at one with our emotions within – honesty, loyalty, togetherness, affiliation and trust. But the hardest one of all that we need to embrace is self-love.

I guess today is a good day to redress my own list that is not yet completed; all you have to do is join me . . .

Memories

Posted By on June 17, 2015

memoryMemories – We all have them: good or bad, they are here to stay. Our minds are akin to a sponge absorbing all that goes on around us. It’s ever ready to acquire knowledge; the on switch is never off. It stands at the ready for the onset of knowledge that we will need to process during our wakening hours. Our memory is how we acquire the knowledge which will be needed to take us through life. We attend school daily hoping that in time we will understand the facts, figures and languages which at first seem to be so alien. It’s how we recall what has passed; it’s our recollection of what has previously occurred. It’s the place where we sum it all up with our mental faculty for retaining a good or a bad past experience. It’s where we find our remembrance of those that are no longer with us. Our memories are pretty powerful because in all truth they do far more than I have mentioned above. There seems to be no way of stopping its unquenchable thirst. For some this is an easy task: they find that their memory is in an A1 condition. For others, the task of retaining the knowledge they require is far more difficult. Our memories can bring us pain, happiness or distraction – just by the mere fact that at times we take them out to replay a particular episode.

But there is a huge difference for a child that has been abused. The memory of our abuse is ever present within the forefront of our minds. This memory, or so it seems, has not perfected the art of queuing. Pushing its way past any memorable experience that it deems is not necessary. No matter how hard we try we are just not equipped with the tools required. There is just no room for a happy memory to exist; we find only a void of epic expanse. Dragging us down with a force unparalleled to anything we have ever experienced. With us clinging to the walls with all our might – but still we fall. Knowing all too well that with each inch of ground lost, we will be forced to relive every horrific episode we encounter. The trauma is so very deep-seated it becomes a mushroom cloud blocking out the light, hanging over us with its intent of preventing the intuition of anything remotely like a diversion from its intention, which could even come close to making us smile. There seems to be no safe place to gather up and protect those memories that are important to us. It’s a dance with the devil where we have to keep ducking and diving, bobbing our heads up and down like ducks at a shoot-out: the memory of our abuse is an excellent shot – the only one holding the gun – equipped with a seemingly endless supply of bullets.

I would like to share with you a time and place where my memory seemed to be so very hollow. When I look back on that time in my life, whilst I was still only a child, I had no recollection of my abuse. I had filled that place with the happiest upbringing a child could have ever hoped for. I had created a very false place but at that time it was all so real for me; it’s a place that so many abused children run towards simply because they had to escape the horrors within their lives. Let’s think about small children who are being abused – not really able to understand what was happening to them, so confused as to the nature of this touching. For some that memory is also a place of physical pain because their bodies have not even had time to mature. In turn this would mean that they would suffer acutely after each and every episode. If we think about it logically why would anyone want to stay within that place? What can a child do when their understanding of life is still so very stunted at that time? They feel that they have no choice but to run. It’s a race that is only ever taking place within their mind, but it seems to be the only race in which they have a cat in hell’s chance of winning. So they run: with each inch of distance covered and achieved they start to bury their present day. It makes sense when we reflect back that it had been a conscious choice at that time, but in truth, for me, I can’t even make that statement with full clarity. How does a child make sense of anything at that point in time? How in god’s name can a choice be made when it’s the only option that we can follow? We never had the luxury of any choice, but without doubt one was being forced upon us. This is something that can really screw with your mind when we reach a place of healing. We play ping pong ball for hours on end with the ball just bouncing from side to side never able to make that killer power shot.

Our story may differ slightly – which only means we were within our own set of circumstances. What doesn’t alter is that we just can’t cope with the reality that is our lives at that time. I’ve often tried to pedal backwards within time hoping to remember something – anything which would shine a light towards at what age I made that decision to run. What singular act forced me to seek a place within my mind, to push back everything that as that small child I was not able to deal with? It could have been a very traumatic ordeal; equally it could just as well have been that one step too far. I’ve tried to put all the pieces in order mapping out just where and when I removed myself from life.

I was to reach the age of 35 to remember anything, which would reveal the reason that for so many years I felt so out of place. I had repressed all and every memory or thought that linked me to that atrocity. In truth I may never have remembered if this pattern had not returned to my life in a different form many years later. I say ‘a different form’, but that may be a false statement. My abuser was the same person; I was now an adult – which should have made a difference. I still struggle to understand as to why this person could make me feel as if I were once more only 7 years of age. I had to go through 4 years of complete madness to arrive at a point where I could see it all so clearly. My revelation was to come in the form of a phrase repeated over and over many times on a page in front of me. Until the day arrived where everything I had shut out came crashing into my head, with such force that I was physically sick. I guess the name given to this analogy is a suppressed memory, but that day in the ‘there and then’, it was as if someone had taken my life and blown it into oblivion. I just did not want to own any of these memories; I tried to close my mind to all that was surfacing but the hatchet job that was in force at that time just continued on. I remember crying for many hours – I tried to drink away every memory that I was so sure were not my own – If I did not accept them they weren’t real – whilst hiding my head in a bottle. Completely sure that if I did not pay them notice they would have no other choice but to return from whence they came. To be totally honest, that was my answer to resolving the pain, anger and sense of complete worthlessness I felt for many years.

The strangest recurring thought of all is if what was happening to me as an adult had never occurred would I have ever remembered? I know that this phenomenon is in no way singular to me through those people I have had the honour to come in to contact with. Today I have around 95 percent recollection, which may be all that I will ever retrieve. But the difference today is that I now accept these memories are my own, which once accepted it took me half way towards my recovery. We will only ever be able to make those strides when we accept what was – Our past. There are so many reasons that acceptance is lost to us sometimes for many years, but the one that stands out in the crowd for all of us is quite simply the guilt we feel that is our own. But if you take nothing else from this piece, please understand – that statement is so very far removed from the truth. Any guilt felt should be so very far away from you that it’s impossible to quantify.

When we face these memories down, acknowledge that just by their very existence they are holding us back from the road to our recovery; our world is turned upside down by the realisation that we were not to blame in any way shape or form. We may even feel that up until that point in time that we had already been taking steps, which were moving us in the right direction one step at a time. But what’s needed is for us to stop in our tracks and become an unmoveable force. We then understand with complete clarity that we had only ever been marking time. We can’t move forward without embracing those memoires within our hearts, and accepting that they are part of us whilst taking them to a place of healing. You can be sure that the words above resonate in the thoughts of many throughout the world, affecting so many lives.

All I have done here is to say the words out loud . . .

Tolerance

Posted By on May 8, 2015

ToleranceLet us first look at the word tolerance which wears many hats – There is an outdoor sculpture in Israel near the Goldman Promenade – The Tolerance Monument. It forms a visual broken column which stands divided but still very much linked – So are they tolerating each other? It can be the study of accumulated and variation within mechanical parts and assemblies. There is the tolerance of drugs or alcohol, simply because the more we use or drink the more our bodies deal with the substances we consume or afflict. Pain tolerance is also very much up there, oddly it seems that the longer we live the pain our tolerance increases. Before I rattle on here in danger of sounding very much like a dictionary, let’s move on to something that we neither would nor could think would sit right within the middle or that word – Abuse tolerance.

So how do we make this distinction? I have mixed it up – Turned it over – Beaten with a stick – Along with juggling all of the parts within this puzzle. But still I am not wholly aware of why we would do so? So I am going to stick my neck out here, and make a guess to the best of my knowledge and past experiences. If we were to crawl around amongst every word sitting here right above us at this time, then maybe we could find the answer to my ever burning question. Why would anyone much like me tolerate abuse? The entire variables above stand fast in our every growing effort to make our lives have meaning.

Let’s first look at the Monument – Over many years it has stood there trying it would seem to break away from the base that holds it together. Each part seems to want to leave the other behind, but unable to make the final splintering at the base to make that possible. Are we not splintered that way whilst we still hold on to our abuse? No matter how far the pillars move away from each other they are still only bending not breaking.

Mechanical – If we were to think about the working parts of our bodies are we not in essence a machine? All parts needs to hold fast working within our tolerance. We do this every day with our abuse. The problem is that no matter how hard we try these parts will always fail never tolerating this intrusion into our bodies and minds. Until we take over the maintenance because we are the only ones holding on to the tools to alter that part of us.

Pain – Pain tolerance is something I can vouch for. After having an accident in 1998 in which I injured my back it’s been a challenge. As time passed I became drug/pain killers tolerant – Result I had to increase the dosage. On reaching the ceiling of that pain killer I could no longer increase the dose safely – where was I to go? In truth it has almost become a part of me.

Drugs or Alcohol – This comparison is very different because we already have the key in hand to stop the continued use. Please don’t think that I am saying – It’s your fault – You are doing this to yourself – Why can’t you just stop. In all honesty I could never say those words to you because I used one of those props for so very long. I never went down the road of drugs, but alcohol was very much where I went to hide from the world. If I am being even more honest it was also where I went to find myself. Yes we may be able to see the drink in our hand or the particular choice of drug sitting in front of us, but that only means that these props are visible. The other three comparisons I have used are just as accessible to us when we learn to look within. Within our minds eye we can repair break away and alter every part of our being, it doesn’t need to be seen with the naked eye.

So why am I here today? It’s to share with you the oddest thing that I may ever encounter within my life – Although it’s taking me a while to get to the point – Sorry.

There is knowledge deep inside of me, which recognises that for so many years I was totally tolerant of my abuse along with its memories. I guess that everyone needs an anchor of sorts somewhere; to feel a connection to this world. It pains me to say that for so many years my anchor was my abuse. It was all I remembered as being the largest portion of my life. As sure as hell it was not the anchor that I would have hoped for it was the one I was stuck with. I was in a position of needed an anchor in life to feel that I was on solid ground, whilst trying with all my might to leave behind the abuse that I had suffered. I tried many times before I succeeded, but the point to make here is that in time I did – You will also.

So there was I – a plan in hand, intent on moving forward; but time after time I was left holding a spanner in hand ready to throw it into the works. Once thrown each time it caused my best thought out plans to crash and burn. The mental effort I had thought through so carefully giving it my up-most consideration. I was left with the remains of a car crash with myself being the only mechanic in town. The truth was that I was the one applying this outcome each and every time it happened. Why? It was natural for me to hold on to an anchor for stability, but I was burning my hands with every touch. I needed an anchor in my life, but the one I had was only destroying me.

An anchor is something solid it gives us the strength when necessary to hold on. Without it we would find ourselves flailing around unable to make a connection to anyone or anything. The end result deep down inside finds us thrashing around vigorously, aimlessly crashing around like a puppet with broken strings in an endeavour to find solid ground. Everyone needs to feel a connection to the world and our place within it. The one thing that dominates our lives is a structure implanted as we have grown. Something put in place that had or has an overbearing affect; if you like we can even call it our shadow. It’s always there but unless we are standing in a certain light it’s just not visible to us. Given a situation where we are standing where our shadow should be visible and it’s missing, it’s a very unnerving situation as we really cannot fathom its departure. Never in a million years should we tolerate our abuse. But we are so very unsure of our place within the world without it. Quite simply it’s all we know. It has been our anchor which sounds so completely off the wall and it’s been a heavy weight to carry.

Just like the picture depicts at the top of this piece we are somehow shacked to its longevity. So I should not need to tell you that for those of us that have or are still suffering abuse it’s by far one of the hardest things to overcome. We are left with nothing more than cause and effect. We need solid ground – The only solid ground seemingly available to us is our abuse. I know all this astounds but that’s where we will stay until we realise that there is another way. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just obliterate our past – Remove it completely leaving no trace – Wipe it out – Destroy every memory? I admit it sounds pretty good doesn’t it? But choosing that path is never a sure bet there could come a time where it will be back with you biting at your ankles. Suddenly tolerance seems the only action that can be taken.

But there is another action that will bear far more fruit; we should never feel that all we ever had through life was our abuse. It took me many years to be able to pull back the curtains just to take a little peek beyond my abuse; that’s where I found to my delight that there were good memories to be found they were simply lost within the circus. From that day forward I began looking for solid ground that I could build on. It’s a little scary out there because for a moment within that time, you find yourself without the anchor that everyone needs to feel safe. The reality check is that you were never safe because the ground beneath you has always been rocky; it seems at times we feel that what we know is safer than the unknown, no matter how fearful the right there and then may seem.

There is a metaphor that comes to mind here quite readily – Keep both feet on the ground – Have they ever tried that when the ground beneath you is so unstably…………

Speak The Truth

Posted By on February 20, 2015

Speak the truthTruth – it’s a word we hear spoken often; it’s a word that gives weight to the facts being relayed to us. It’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We frequently hear these words spoken – sometimes within the program right there in front of us on the television. I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth – it’s a mantra recited dozens of times a week within TV shows or movies. These words are so familiar that their significance can be overlooked. Taking an oath in a courtroom makes everything said afterwards either the truth or perjury. The witness must vow to tell the truth to someone authorised to administer the oath – but do they always honour that vow? The truth is a fact or a reality that can’t be altered because of its very being. But it’s a sad fact that the real meaning of the word ‘truth’ is often lost; the world is bandied around without any relation to the above. Ask anyone today what the truth is and you are sure to start an interesting conversation. Your request may even be met by scorn or derision. Sadly, at times it seems that the concept of the word truth has fallen on hard times. The truth should be genuine actual or factual – but is it always? It should be indisputable and said with sincerity. At times it’s a matter of how we judge someone’s character when we think of them as being truthful – but are they always?

We could carry on here debating the truth and our understanding of its significance. But my aim and reason for being here with you now is to debate with you as to whether the words spoken are an untruth.

It’s at those times that sadness folds in around us like a cancer eating into our very being. When a falsehood or a lie is falling off the lips of our adversary, it takes us to a place where we feel we have lost our very being; the truth that should be there protecting us falls away, leaving nothing but emptiness. We then find ourselves being attacked by an untruth spoken so easily. This is happening in the here and now all over the world to so many people, who are unable to protect themselves because it’s just too difficult to do so. Why? Put simply – it’s because they have been completely sucked up into a place where the truth and the untruth seem to melt together. It’s a place where just getting through the day is a struggle. Thinking of tomorrow seems pointless because within their head space at that time; they just don’t care about tomorrow. We feel we have no hope in hell of the truth being anywhere near. The lines are blurred you question yourself daily, somehow being dragged into a precipice within our own heads where we even start debated with ourselves. You find yourself overhanging a cliff face with nothing below but a steep mass of rock just waiting for you to let go. Right there and then in that segment of time you even stop caring about the truth because quite frankly it doesn’t seem to matter.

You know from experience that you won’t be believed so why would you fight? The end result is that we flatly refuse to do so somehow some way that mind-set seems to be our only salvation. Giving in seems to be the only thing you are able to do whilst in that state of mind – resulting in a major fusion somewhere between our reality and the reality of life. We are lost so very deeply within those two little words – truth or untruth. We start to rely upon the drugs we are supplied: the more we take, the less it hurts; and the more we take, the more we need. We want to be in a place of existing where we are not living at all. I guess we are striving to become ghosts of sorts, so that we are never asked to defend what had happened to us. It is just so hard to make people believe. If we take people’s advice then it’s a run for justice that is so flawed it only seems to mirror our past. The upshot of this stance is – if your case should ever be heard in court, you would be grilled with regard to your honesty. We should expect an onset of aggressive questions from the Defence only doing the duty for which they are being paid. This is never a personal matter, but it’s the truth to say that those who have lived through the suffering of abuse will always feel it personally. Rightly or wrongly, we once more face the agonising torture of not being believed.

So how do we ever walk willingly into a place that only seems to offer us more pain then we have already lived through? It doesn’t sound good – right? If you ever find yourself in a place of strength where you are able to do so, then you can march into their courtroom with your head held high. Justice, we hope, will always find its way to the truth – but that’s not always the case in reality. I am sure that there are people walking freely out there who should never been allowed to do so. Equally there are some who find themselves incarcerated in a place that they were never meant to be. So do we rely on the truth floating to the top – like the oil emerging on the top of the water? That is something we can never predict; if only that were to be the case. So is the search for the truth a lottery? Nothing will ever be that cut and dried. Sometimes in the search for the truth there is just not enough evidence to be found, no matter how hard anyone looks. These are the times that we need to stand tall and except that we can be believed without that walk through the courtroom door. The strength you have already found to even embark on this journey in the first place is immeasurable. Convicted or not convicted you have shown your adversary that you have grown through the years, arriving at a place where even for a short time they were judged, no matter what the outcome was.

There will always be those that never reach the level of strength that’s needed to walk down this road. If that’s where you find yourself, then the words below are my sentiments to you. Because there is a way back within our own minds that does not need the involvement of others.

So where do we look?

A good place to start would be to really understand that there is only one truth. All the investigation and consultation in the world can never alter that. The ultimate realisation for which you must strive is to recognise that you are the only one that can set yourself free. If we regain our belief in ourselves then the only truth that matters is our own. We don’t need anyone to tell us the difference between the truth and a lie or to stand alongside of us when we reach that point in time. It’s pretty pointless unless you believe in yourself no longer needing to change the mind of others or sway any decision either way. When you take back your life knowing that your own understanding of the truth is all you need, the walls that crowd in around you will crumble. We can’t carry on through life trying to make others believe in what we know to be the truth. Abuse is a place that you have survived in so I am guessing that you already have everything you need to succeed. I myself stopped looking for that knight in shining armour a long time ago because we really don’t need him. I am sure that if we were to wait long enough he may appear riding into our lives upon his white steed. But sadly and much more likely the end result I’m sure would find us mucking out the stables……..

Am I A Victim?

Posted By on December 12, 2014

VictimA victim – The Interpretation of being a victim should be quite simple should it not? We have all heard this analogy being applied to us from many sources. If we look at the word analogy in its true form we find no argument with it explanation. An analogy is a form of logical argument and when we are thinking logically we are fully aware that we are indeed victims. The word ‘victim’ relates to a person harmed injured or even killed in an accident. It can be a person who feels helpless and passive within a misfortune or ill-treatment. There are victims of domestic violence that live within the fear not knowing what the day will bring, whilst treading on egg shells in the hope that today will be the day the violence will stop. After all that’s a promise given to them by their abuser on so many occasions. Continuing, we can find so many reasons that someone becomes a victim. However if we pull this word apart when becoming a victim, the one thing which stands out is that it’s never of our own choosing.

It’s the nature of my website to try to help unravel the lives of those that have been victims. Being that victim for me was in the form of sexual abuse; I have lived through the process of learning that without doubt and with great conviction that I was a victim. I would truly hope that I have an understanding of what it means to be a victim to those that walk along side of me. It’s something I struggled with for many years always hearing that little voice of doubt.

So how do we reach the point in time where we know without question that the above statement is true? This is where we start to unravel our lives. This is where it all gets a little confusing simply because we still carry around the guilt that you still feel is yours. It’s fair to say that our heads are just a little mixed up whilst struggling with the truth that is staring us full in the face. I will try to explain here how it was for me whilst I struggled still believing that I had to pay for my sins, whilst in truth I was paying for my virtue. This was where I started to believe that which was morally wrong in the hands of someone who had no virtue.

When told we are a victim, we really struggle to accept that we had in play no ball of our own. How can you be a victim you let it go on for so long right? You did nothing to stop the atrocity that was taking place. As a child the thought process above only really takes place in adulthood, but the reality is still always dealt with by your child within when we reach that moment in time. If it were to involve a family member, were you not already betraying those you professed to love? In fact forget that last statement because you were already doing so remaining silent, that question never needs to be asked right? In most cases of abuse it is someone close to us – someone we know well; our abuser’s significant other is then also known to us also. It could be a wife – a grandmother – a sister – a mother – or even a close family friend. But you still let it continue blindly on. But you must remember and take it in to your heart, that you were only armed with the mind of a child. We were out on our own gripped by the undercurrent below us. We can only use the skills we have acquired at that moment it time. Life and all that brings with it is still a mystery for that lost child in the there and then. With that in mind you also feel that you would be the cause of the complete obliteration of the family unit. But that abomination should never be placed on the shoulders of a child. You battle with your thoughts within trying to piece together your broken life. You’re told that it’s a secret and what would happen if you were to reveal that secret.

For me it was my mother whom I had to protect at all cost because quite simply I loved her beyond my own life. Sadly, she is not with us now but she remains in my heart always. Our abusers have perfected an arsenal knowing just which weapon to use to its full affect.

In adulthood trying to make sense of the things that happened to us and the choices we were made to take as a child evokes so many conflicting emotions. We ask ourselves these questions with no hope of an answer anywhere on the playing field. How can we truthfully know what we were feeling as that child? We can only question ourselves in the here and now, which will always bring forward a completely different response. Betrayal was a big one for me to come through; I questioned myself for so long but the answer evaded me for many years. In truth we are all at war with ourselves many times as we go through life I guess that’s the nature of being human. But that war was never going to be a fair fight you never had the artillery in your arsenal at that time for it to be so. What I am trying to say here is that questioning yourself in the here and now is a fool’s errand. It takes great strength to have held on through the blackest point in our history no doubt. But it takes far more strength to let go of the pain by finding yourself at peace within. You see that’s the thing about life it has a nasty habit of going on with or without us, so we need to find a way to get back in the race. We will nearly always experience a relapse whilst running in the race of life. But falling down is not failing it’s the not staying down that measures the strength that has grown inside of you as you have grown. You don’t believe it’s there for so many years, even when armed with the knowledge that you made it through a turbulent current. Not having any choice but to try to swim upstream without ever learning the art of swimming. But there comes a time where you just know it’s somewhat like a peace that settles over you, it’s then you realise you have learnt to swim without any instruction whatsoever. That’s what will make all the difference in the fight to reclaim your life. Maybe you lost that fight so many years ago but it’s within your power right here and now to make sure that ultimately you win the war.

Looking back today I know now without doubt that yes I was a victim, your eyes should be seeing and arriving at the same conclusion. When we feel like a victim we tend not to take action so a change in our mindset has to take place, we need to create a flushing of that mental block that seems to be part of your very core. Until we arrive at a point where we can take our minds to a place within where you are standing toe to toe with our abuser. Sadly we will always be linked by an invisible tread to our abuser that’s a knot that can never been undone. But it’s how we deal with that fact that gives us a balance of power. Whilst that link exists in its current form we continue replaying our past, over and over again. Until we stand still and refuse to be that victim any longer we will always be in inner turmoil and suffering. This action we take for ourselves alone – in that now acquired position of strength.

It’s that point in time where you will look at the glass as being half full and not half empty. Let’s use that metaphor here to continue. It’s time to open that bottle of wine that you have held on to for so long. It’s that special bottle that you thought would never leave that wine cellar. It’s a Chardonnay of the best calibre as we once more drink from the bottle of life.

So let’s return to the heading of this piece – Am I a victim?

The answer to that question is yes; but you are so very far removed from any accountability. You were a victim of the lack of truth and the disregard of any honesty. You were a victim of circumstance; you were a victim of your innocence that was taken away from you in the cruellest of manners. You were the victim of the nightmares that have troubled your sleep for so long. You were a victim of the trust that was ripped away from you; you may even find it hard to trust anyone totally to this very day. You were a victim of your abuser who felt they could strip away all of those things from your life without care at that time.

So let’s look at the conclusion you are striving to arrive at right now in this moment of time. This conclusion is now in your reach or you would not be here with me. Here together let’s spread everything out on the floor before us. You will then see that the only conclusion anyone can arrive at is yes you were a victim. But was that of you’re doing? Not a hope in hell.

Why Me And Not My Siblings

Posted By on October 30, 2014

SiblingsRight off the bat that must sound like such a selfish thing to say, why would I wish what had happened to me on my siblings? But it’s an age-old question that haunting me for many years. Did I do something wrong? Was it because I misbehaved? Surly not I only acted that way to get noticed. If I were noticed then people couldn’t help but see what was happening to me. Anyway, why should it only happen to me? There’s that selfish thought again. Truthfully I was not even sure that they weren’t living this hell, maybe we were all going through the same terrifying torment. Were we all experiencing this excruciating mental anguish? I couldn’t ask them because if they weren’t then they would know about me, I would unleash a chain of events that I couldn’t stop and then my abuser would know and that terrified me. There would be nowhere to hide from his wrath, he was firmly in control I had no control whatsoever; I would be thrown to the wolves. I remember trying to stay awake each night but my eyes got just too heavy to stop from closing them. Dreams were something I tried to avoid. The dreams could be terrifying. But maybe within them I would finally answer my questions. But nothing lay in wait there but the nightmares, where I would relive everything that had taken place.

Vengeance . . . there’s a word I thought of often but it evaded me for many years, by which time I no longer felt the need to harm anyone concerned. That was a hard one to achieve. I used to think it would be mine in the next life. But in truth the reality that became mine was that the best vengeance of all is to do nothing.

I can almost hear the gasps of air being taken in right now as I sit here typing, see in front of me the shocked faces that feel they will never understand my sentiment. These words almost always receive that reaction. If someone is still within the claws of abuse I may as well be speaking Martian. But we should remember here that justice is a different matter. It’s only after you have passed through the journey you are now on that these words become clear. Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles. We have to believe that nothing in this world is as strong as gentleness and nothing in this world is as gentle as strength. I looked for a reason for so many years as to why me without any success. But we can never understand our abusers reason because reason is not always automatic; those that deny it cannot be conquered by it. To our abusers mind that in turn means a reason does not even have to be offered. So where do we run with that? There is only one place left to run – which is straight through it. On emerging on the other side we no longer feel that the question has to be answered. What lies behind us or before us are tiny matters to what lies within us. On this journey into the abyss we find all we need to conquer that question. I also looked for some kind of communication to be given to me that would explain the journey I was made to travel. It’s true to say sometimes the strangest thing about communication is to believe that it has even taken place. But if we listen hard enough deep within we have communicated with the only one that matters – our child within. It’s been a lonely road out there for them for so many years, but once this communication has been established we just know. Emotional scars remind us of where we have been; they do not have to dictate where we are going.

So here I am back at that age-old question – why me? Do you still really feel the need to ask? Knowing why will never change our past; it only makes us hold on to a question that we have to leave behind us.

Let’s not forget vengeance – where there is anger there is always pain underneath, just by letting go we allow the pain to start to heal. I now firmly believe that before we embark on a journey of rage and vengeance we truly need to dig two graves………….

Interview On Truth Frequency Radio

Posted By on October 20, 2014

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Please visit this site to listen to my latest interview/podcast interview with Kevin Bull http://truthfrequencyradio.com/?s=teresa+joyce&x=0&y=0

It’s Dark

Posted By on October 10, 2014

dark roseIts dark – that’s an indisputable fact as we look around us. It’s the absence of light as we watch the day trickle away and leave us. As we all know the sun rises in the east and goes down in the west. To be accurate, the sun doesn’t really go anywhere – it pretty much stays where it is relative to the earth. But the earth rotates from West to East so the sun appears first in the East and last in the West…. OK: too much information but you get my meaning.

But that is not the only reference in which this statement can be interpreted. It can be that something is difficult to understand; it can be characterized by gloom about to descend on us. It’s a lack of enlightenment known to us as being in the dark about an act or a fact. This in turn can leave us in a state of ignorance or totally uninformed. It’s a shot in the dark at an attempt to guess at something of which you have no information or knowledge about. It can be secrecy concealment or even obscure. There is the occult where we find things mystical – dark practises or a phenomenon. I’m sure if we were to play around with this word we would find many more ways to interpret the word ‘dark’.

The dark is something that comes around full circle as each day passes returning to the light in the fullness of time – night and day being the only distinction.

But my aim here is to try and explain how the darkness feels to those that have been or are still being abused right now as I type. All of the above of course still holds true, but there is a darkness within us that never seems able to find the light – a darkness that is not so easy to explain or relate to as I have done above. For us the light never seems to touch us as we go through life with a veil covering our head. The dark is somewhere that we often choose to go, when a dark corner seems the only safe place to be. But there’s a conflict, because we are also acutely aware that the dark for us was or is a place of immense pain. The dark is where the monster lives raising his head like a viper from a pit when we were most vulnerable. So we make a choice within the jumble of mixed-up feelings and emotions. Not knowing if the dark is there for us to hide in, or a place that brings on the assault of abuse we have lived thorough or are still enduring. Your anguish can become so great that you even find yourself hiding from the truth within the dark just as we tried to hide from our abusers. Sadly as time passes we start to believe that the darkness is our place, where else can we hide from shame guilt or the embarrassment we feel if not in the dark? So is the dark our salvation? Or somewhere we have grown up knowing we have no escape from?

For us it’s never related to the time of day as we strive to find the light that always seems to evade us; we can be standing in a rainbow of colours whilst we feel the sun’s rays beating down on our bodies. The light we crave for cannot be found by the rotation of the earth; quite simply it’s only ever going to be found by the rotation of our mind set, as we struggle to come out of the shadow of abuse. That statement is so easily made, but where do we look to find the way out? You can’t just open a door and walk through; you can’t even find the door in order to do so. Often people around us open that door wide but it seems even with their help we can’t find the strength needed.

Our minds are very complicated; it seems sometimes demanding that we alone are the right persons for that particular job.

So let’s think a little about all the above – where do we start? We have believed for so long that we are swallowed up within that darkness. But the problem with that mind set is that we will always lose for as long as we keep telling ourselves we have lost. Wouldn’t it be nice to think that in time we will succeed and that the winning post is out there somewhere? If we can’t do this on our own then we need to reach out to those that may become our balance. Once we reach out with honesty within our minds, then we are at last standing at the starting post. With a renewed clarity that we are now ready to walk that road with a new determination.

We start by looking for the support that is offered by others as they are the template that allows growth; they serve as a starting point as we try to begin the arduous journey of reformatting our lives. That support allows us to remould or rearrange our thoughts in a manner that until now we have thought to be impossible. That support allows us to change the pattern of our behaviour, knowing that that template will hold fast below us if we slip. They are the light shining just beneath us, always bright as we move towards finding our own. Once we learn to trust that light we find the strength we need to make upward strides. Make no mistake: we are the only ones that can fully make the real difference on that journey. Whilst fighting for your right to stand in the sun, we will never forget that dark place how could we, but now we have the knowledge that it’s our finger that is now firmly placed on the switch.

There is another distinction between the light and the dark for us; this can’t be given to us even by the most accommodating of people. This gift is the one you give to yourself knowing that only you and you alone can achieve its turn around. Ultimately we are the only ones that can slam shut that door of abuse behind us completely; it’s the one thing that can’t be done for us on this we stand alone. For this we need to believe that we deserve to come out of the shade and face the sun. Even if done so gingerly at first by simply only peeking through the shutters. Strangely this can be conquered no matter the time of day.

It’s not the time of the day or night that we are scared of its feeling that we can stand alone long enough within it to make a difference. Whilst resisting the over whelming urge to run. The strangest thing of all is that we run back to the place that should never make us feel safe – the dark – the quarry it seems always looks for the darkest hole to run into when they feel pursued.

So let’s be honest here together quite simply by remembering that it’s never just dark or light – it’s never just black or white. There are the dusks the sunsets and the sunrise for us to look upon. There are so many shades of grey out there for us to choose from. We don’t have to have both feet planted completely on one side of that line staying within the darkness to feel safe. By which I mean that as a metaphor rather than a vision. We can venture out of our comfort zone by stepping over that line just long enough to take a peek at the sun. As time passes merely by default, we stay a little longer each time we succeed in doing so.

We start to understand that whilst there it feels good to feel the sun’s rays on your face; It’s a place that if we return to it often enough, we find that we no longer crave for the dark and its secrets. I know the question on your lips right now would be – why would you miss the dark at all? I guess the answer to that is that when you have lived in the dark for so long, even the worst scenarios are missed when they have been there long enough. It’s almost like leaning to walk in the sun without the covers over your head lifting that veil just a little at a time. We have to learn a completely new way of living without the structures that have always been there good or bad. But believe me: in time this is achievable as you will see when the light beings to filter through. Although the dark is remembered, there comes a time that it’s no longer missed. That’s when we neither feel the urge to flee for that dark place to hide in or to run for our lives from the dark and its demons.

At the end of this process you will have acquired the complete knowledge within you that the dark is just another rotation of the earth . . .

Our Alter Ego

Posted By on August 13, 2014

best alter egoEveryone has a little voice inside their head that sometimes defines them, at times we all find ourselves feeling trapped within a set of circumstance. For us all, without exception, we have duties of sorts to complete during our waking hours. These are as varied as we are because no two people are the same so we will attack those duties differently. It’s what makes us the right person for that job; it’s a place where we and we alone fit. Our choices in life can be restricted by our alter ego more times then we know, it sits silently in the background but we must always remember that it’s there. Within our alter ego we find escape, freedom, a carefree look at life when we need to look away from where we are. It’s sometimes referred to as a ghost whose only job is to whisper alternatives in our ear. The happy go lucky you that is having a ball of a time to all that surrounds us. It’s a character that comes from within our imagination. We welcome it with opens arms as we dance within the game of life. It’s a cut off valve that knows just when to realise that pressure – somehow knowing when the pipe is about to blow. Our own armature superhero created to swoop in and save the day. We use it often, mindlessly reacting to a quick change of situations. It’s who we talk to whilst weighing up our options, continually darting around within our mind; this done silently without thought why because it’s purely a reaction. It’s the fun side of us, a release from the pressures of life that everyone experiences.

Our alter ego could and would not be there without our input. Quite simply put it’s where we place the things that give us joy. It makes us feel better when it’s raining outside. We strive to create a happy space by placing the positive things we gather throughout our journey. It’s the chancier within that sometimes gives us the push we need to complete something that may scare us just a little. Our opposite side of the coin the friend we can always count upon to see our side of things.

But what if it’s not?

What if that alter ego was a place of darkness – a place which you try to avoid at any cost, where your imagination had created the complete opposite?

As I have said above, we create a place which makes us feel better by placement. Things that stick in our minds because of the great joy they bring. They have become outstanding events in our mind because of the magnitude of their very being. What if the outstanding events within your mind were so very far from utopia? Abuse leaves its mark like a cavern of explosions reducing your world to a battlefield. If this abuse was from an early age then having something to place within your alter ego that makes you feel joy of any kind is almost impossible. As we grow, we learn the skills we need in life to become a whole rounded person learning from our peers. We learn to walk before we can run from those in direct contact with us – a mirror image of who we may become. The building blocks are put in place by them to make that structure solid.

But what if they aren’t?

We are left within the remains of an explosion creating a landfall where we crawl around blindly in its remains. Aimlessly digging around, hoping that the bits we need have not been blown so far apart that their reassembly is just a pipe dream – where to even think we can find a happy space to place within our self-made alter ego is a dream too far. The greatest truth is that we can’t step away from the confinements within our lives when they become too difficult. You can’t unlearn things; we can only try to rearrange them in the hope that there are still some pieces that may fit.

So – all the above said, what are our options?

Options when broken down are just a matter of putting one foot in front of another to move forward without doubt, options are the judgement calls that we make now. Quite frankly our alter ego may scare the hell out of us, but it will always be a part of us – no matter what. We can’t remove it by just taking a rubber to a chalk board, but we can learn that living with it is something we can do. No one said that the alter egos we have right here and now are the ones we are stuck with; they are just our present. In truth, they are not even that important – because they are our past what we are looking at now is our future. Somewhere deep inside there is the alter ego that is waiting for the last dance. It’s the wallflower that always wanted to be asked to dance whilst being passed by. It’s the laughter and the joy that is just waiting to be untapped. It’s the smile on your face as you greet each morning no longer afraid of a backward thought. It’s the joy you find in those you choose to surround yourself with on this continuing chapter of life. It’s the happy dog wagging its tail just from the joy of greeting, so happy to see you no matter how the day has pasted.

The whole truth is that we can’t bend mend or alter who we are, we can only look for the good and not expect the bad around every corner. Within you is all the strength you need to choose the right options for you. Tomorrow could be a good day with many more to come.